Not going to church for a few weeks I guess

So, I developed some health issue during my pregnancy that got even worse after Anne was born.
It turned out it is multiple sclerosis.

It is like a big, ugly and scary name for something that is not so bad in my case. One of the doctor I have to see for that has me on some drugs that works pretty well but I have to try some others to see what fits me the best. Until what kind of medicationI should take is set and clear I don’t feel like going to church.
Sorry to say but each time I go to church my symptoms worsen. I know it is partly my fault because I am so stressed out that I get tired more easily and fatigue is one of the thing I have to watch out to have a better daily life.
I get stressed out because I worry for Pascal and Anne. I hate going to church without them BUT in the mean time I really don’t want Pascal to join the church.
Then I get to church and I have to gather all my strength to deal the members.
The only time I like and the reason I put myself under this is because I want to take the sacrament.

Therefore I like the new changes in the church in France.

Now the whole country has to do sacrament meeting first before all the other meetings in order to bring more spirituality in our teachings and how we deal with each other. I love it.

It does not change the situation it only helps me in finding the spiritual help I am craving for. Considering that it makes things a tiny bit (only a tiny bit) harder not to miss the sacrament I think I am going to wait until my friend Dany can take me to church or until I have this dang driving licence to be able to go to church without a part of the pressure. I was going to write “without all this pressure” but not having it is impossible.

Nap time for Anne

I just read what I wrote yesterday. Nice, exactly what I dread to write: something that sounds like a good wife and mother taking care of her baby and hubby (by the way I don’t call Pascal sweet names, I don’t like it).
I quickly took a look at Mikki’s blog and I am happy to see that she is still alive.
Ray seems to be the same and I will read again his blog when I have time.
I have been following Kim on Facebook and I am glad that she has eventually found a way to be happy and at peace.

The last time I wrote on this blog a long time ago I was in a situation that was quiet disturbing.

I had dated guys and every time things ended up quickly as I prayed for it to end if it was not right. Then Pascal came up. He fited everything I both dreamed of since I was about 10, what I wished for as an adult which made the situation quiet complicated as it was right what I knew would happen AND what I dreaded because it would be quiet and inextricable situation.

So one day (evening I should say) he felt something was not right and I had the hardest time saying this: we could not be intimate unless we were married. That was the end of it for me but he started sobbing and as I asked him why he was this way he said “I never met someone as honest”.

I was stunned. This was really not how things were supposed to turn out according to my experience of life.

We spent even more time together but there came a time when I knew I had to make this choice I did not want to make.
See, I have been excommunicated for breaking the law of chastity and not wanting to change my way. When I came back to the church I was not an 8 years old child, I knew what it would cost me to make this decision so to me there was no going back outside the church again. No matter how much I dislike the church (I love the gospel and my covenants) it was about a deal with God and not a matter of being accepted in a group (seriously who would want to be accepted by the mormons? They’re nuts!! If they like you it is time for you to get some help because you probably have something wrong.) therefore breaking the law of chastity was not an option in my mind. To top it all it was right the end of the time when my time of being watched to see if I would fall again in the same mistake was taking place.
Making this “bad” decision was like not only making fun of God but also making fun of the leaders of the church. I liked my bishop but even if I had not liked him I would still not have wanted him to feel like…oh well you get it.

But the thing was this:

Pascal has been married before. He lived with this woman for three years and he wanted to have a child. There was nothing he wanted more than that and she would always answer: no marriage no child. She already had a daughter and never married the father of Mélanie so I guess she had some good reasons this time. So they got married.
Then one day as they were having dinner with friends she just claimed that she did not want any more children. He was not prepared for it.

He thought that it was ok and that he would just be the best step-father he could for her daughter.

It went great for a while and then one day, after two years of being married she greated him with divorce papers telling him “you’re not the man I fell in love with anymore.”

They got a very fast divorce and as soon as it was over he asked his job to be transferred somewhere else (it is a big company with many sites) and this is when we met.

I really, really had the hardest time setting a similar pattern in our relationship.

Emotionally that was just horrible. I told him my reasons, I told him about the temple and how much I need it and all that my covenant represent to me. He knew from the start so I guess it was ok but I also felt very strongly prompted to make this choice to start a family with him even if it would mean so many things I did not want.

He very quickly promised me that we were going to get married.

I did not want to put pressure on him. I was ready to fight the leaders of the church if they put pressure on me concerning this state of things (considering where I came from). Fortunately I had a good bishop who, although was part of the council when I was excommunicated, understood the situation.

So here we are. I thought it would take something like 15 years and I was ready to wait but we got married over two weeks ago.

Looking back I know almost anything that I could be told about like: ” blah blah blah God’s path for you blah blah blah”. I know it is His path for me because if it were not then it would mean that I can follow my own and get away with it.

What disturbs me is what I felt, all that I have known for years before all this took place and what it means for the future.


Long time no writing and I am not sorry.

I knew I would come back to it this is why this time I did not close it down.
I needed a break off this blog to live for real and eventually to need it again.

My life had changed much and (I am so sorry for all of you either in our out the church who wished it were otherwise) I am still LDS.

Pascal and I got married a few days ago but that was only after having ANNE!

I don’t know if I like the path God has set me on. I think I like it because of its greatness but what I don’t like about it is how I am so much always on the verge of making the same old pride mistake.

I also decided to go back to see my therapist. I thought I could do for a while without her and I was right. It is just that some things came up that made this time much shorter than I hoped.

I wish I could write more but I have lost a lot of time today and I still have to exercise, sleep and clean a little our home before Pascal and Anne are back from work and day-care.

I guess I am going to add a new category called “family life” or something of the kind.IMG_1094 IMG_1095

Unsettled and feeling at peace

I am right now at a very weird place in my life. The more I pray about it the more it feels like I am doing what is right although my mind tells me the opposite and it is very disturbing.

It is hard to describe with words that have not been yet used without giving the wrong impression about my life and what I want.

I have come at peace with what I am and who I am no matter the laughters and sniffles. Although I want badly someone to understand me I realize that I don’t need it really to progress.  And to tell the truth it is hard.
I know my words sound easy to understand but it is only because I am always keeping things on the surface so anyone can reach to it. And I know this sounds very arrogant when I am just expressing pain and loneliness.

I don’t know when will be the next time I write on this blog because things are getting too personal to be shared even in an almost anonymous way. I wanted this blog to be a record of perpetual progression when I realize that although it can be I guess this is a quiet time for experience and growth that needs to be done in secret before I can come up with new insights.

What has been on my mind the past month

And it goes in circle:

I now understand that both what I can do that others can’t or don’t (they don’t necessarily can’t as it would imply a need for something to take place when some things are just incidental) is only because of the way my brain has been shaped and wired. The intensity and the reason why I may vibrate to things that people don’t even see or care about. 
So what is really me?
I have met others like me and it was crazy to hear my words in their mouth when before people would either look at me as if I were nuts or would basically run away from me.
Meeting others like me who use their abilities to do things I don’t agree with made me realize that my choices tell me a little who I am and I have been searching more in depth who I was before coming here and who I am expected to become.
Yet this entanglement between who I am and what I am either here or there and it goes both ways has made me look at things the way I have when I was a teenager (until I understood I was crazy and I needed to stop of course) but with more of the knowledge I was hoping to have someday.

I am often grateful and humbled by the blessing of knowing what I know now. I am grateful for the confidence it gives me in my choice and the solace and serenity I find in my life. I am humbled by what I can see from the little cleaning of my dark glasses (Ray this is for you) as it makes it an emergency to learn to love the way Christ did because it is the only way to be saved really.

There is nothing that the love I can show will really change. Yet it can help someone face another day until they can the answer they needed to feel and be better.
I know understand how what I can do is both small and nothing to brag or to be ashamed about but it can have enormous consequences. I knew it before and I had experienced it but always as a recipient of someone else’s deeds. 

There is also something I don’t understand concerning this whole matter. The more I want to follow the path He wants me to take the more it seems that I am deriving from it. I am not talking about “opposition” I am talking about praying to know His will and having the only path I thought was the wrong one opening before me.
Yet what I have learned and I know is that the most important is what I desire really and my relationship with Him. Hopefully someday it will all make sense.

bitter sweet time of my life

I love to go to talk with my therapist. She has helped me much and has made possible for me to be where I am now. I couldn’t be happier I guess considering that what I want is not up to me.
Mister P has bought a home for us to have a family. It is an apartment in a “posh” area which actually means that we won’t have to worry about the environment we will raise our kids in. Of course we were blessed that he got the place for a little over 3/4 of its price without having to discuss. The other blessing about it is that it is way under the maximum of the minimum he was allowed to borrow.
He got a loan over a 20 years period, he will pay only 60 euros more than what he is paying now for a three bedrooms apartment with tone of space to store and organize things. It has a big living room that is separated in two parts so we can have if needed a living room and an office area.
The apartment building is short and spread around a very pretty park that we don’t have to pay for since it belongs to the city, yet it looks like it belongs to the owners of the apartments.

It is only 500meters from the tramway which can take me downtown Saint-Etienne in a blink of an eye. It is right by the police station, a drugstore and more. Right across the town hall (as it is not in Saint-Etienne but in a nice suburb).
Everybody is jealous of him, he could sell it in 6 months and make even more money to buy a nicer place which sounds pretty hard as this one is pretty much on the top of the list.
Most people around have a swimming pool, as Mister P said “we’re going to make friends in the neighborhood!”

He is proud of me and believes in me more than I do most of the time.

His family likes me and I like his family.

And I can’t share this with my mother.

A little insane

The more time passes the more I am stunned by the sixth sense I had about who and what I needed. Everything has an explanation now and I don’t have to fight for what I know to be true so I am relieved in a way but I am also scared in a way. What else did I know the same way and that I just decided to overlook because it sounded too silly?

Everything I knew I needed in the other is what Pascal is. And when I say everything I need you to pay a little attention here.

Therapists have known for decades that there was something transmitted in the blood of a family when one relative had gone through something traumatic but of course it was partially disregarded since nothing could be proven. Now it has.
Since a few years it has been proven that the traumas one goes through are in our genes and it take several generations to erase it from the genes, then it may take a little longer (or not) to erase it from the descendants’ habits.
I would not open up too much about what made me afraid about getting married and having children because I knew people would mock me but I knew there was something wrong in me. 
the problem is that when I would say this people would burst into out of subject praises that I did not need and I would feel frustrated.
I knew there was too much violence and rape in my family history and as I often said I did not want to transmit “that”. I did not know what “that” was but I knew it was a burden I had carried and that I did not want my children to carry. I felt that it was too heavy for me and that it had almost crushed me. I just did not want to pass it on out of a selfish desire of reproduction.

So what geneticians have discovered is this:
1st generation: Trauma
2nd generation: depression
3rd generation: post trauma syndrome that no one can explain.
4th generation and on: bad habit from the previous generation that can be erased or amplified according to ones path.

You may say that you know people whose parents have gone through horrible things and don’t fit in this pattern.

Because there is a solution.

This pattern is true UNLESS something extra positive comes in opposition to this trauma.
OR if someone with “better” genes comes along in the family gene pool.

Now I know that when I told several times that there was something wrong with me I was right. I sensed it and I have lived according to it and if i have a child it will be for its benefit. It was a cruel fight but in the end it will benefit someone, hopefully more than one.

I now also understand and know that I can rest and contemplate what I have fought and be grateful for those who have helped me in this fight without even knowing it.

As I have said in the past I know my grand-mother has been raped by her father. What makes the situation even worse is that I inherited the specificities of my brain from her and she got it from her father. this made it hard for her mother to relate to her, adding to this that she had issues on her own and 13 children. I understand why she never understood my grand-mother’s cry and why my grand-mother does not understand either what went wrong.
The first fighter is my grand-mother because as my cousin says there is something in the way she talks and live that makes you feel that being “positive” and “christlike” is a matter of life and death to her. It is not just about good feelings and getting to Heaven. You can tell from her intensity that it is about this life now and here.
Now although she tried instinctively to fight it my mother was raped herself.
So my mother was a 2nd generation in this pattern but then a rape was added to her load.

I need to praise my mother as well.

See, on my mission I had a companion who was clearly a racist. She told me her mother had an abortion from a rape she was victim of. Now those who did it were black men. this was the justification she gave me. 
Now the man who did this to my mother was a black help my grand-parents had in their home when my mother was a child.
NEVER did she teach me to hate those of a different color. I can tell that she taught me to be careful of difference of culture in a couple but this was for French-American as well as for French-African. I can tell that she taught me to look beyond what I could see in a person.

It would have been so easy and understandable of her to teach me to hate African and anyone darker than me (which would have been an issue as I am very pale).
Now the disease has taken over and she is unreachable. I know understand what was my mother and what was her borderline illness.
The cruelty of it is that if I can have children I will have to protect them from her presence not because my mother is bad but because she is too sick and I don’t want them to have this influence in their lives.
It is unfair. It feels to me that she is being punished for being a victim. I don’t see anything more unfair. If you do please tell.

I am angry.

I only hope that she will get what she deserves on the other side.

Now this is where Pascal comes into place.

I have fought my best but I still knew that I could not be with the first “good guy”. I needed more than that.

Once I explained to him what is a family home evening and i told him this is something I would like to have in our home even if it is not religiously focused.
He paused and looked at me in the eyes and told me:”well this may come as a shock to you but this how I have been raised as it was this way every evening in at home when I grew up”.
I was indeed shocked. I told him “well someone has suffered!!!” 
The more I know about his family the more I want to be a part of it. It is not a perfect family just a family that can balance what I have in my blood.