last sunday

Was not as bad as I feared it would be.
I came early and sat in the chapel in hope to find somme peace. This is when this brother came in and said loudly “well, it is quiet a study atmosphere here.” To which I did not answer: yes, this is why you thought it would be appropriante to disturb it.
A sister made a smart comment when I told her: it would have probably helped if the door had been closed for him to feel a difference between what was going on there (me and some other members studying or pondering) and the lobby.

Anyway something happened. All of a sudden I saw all this as a play and I was just sitting in the theater. I think I have found a way not  to be so much sensitive about the church and the members.

I need to try this trick again and to master in it. Maybe I can get some peace back.

On the same subject (meaning me and my progression) I have found this blog that helps me tremendously. It is very inspirational and it really helps me focus on what I feel I have lost and what I am searching for.

Supporting her to me is what RS is really about:

The letter

I can’t believe how long it has been since the last time I wrote.
Things are going so fast now, things are changing so quickly and I have so much to write and no time to do so (or I should say that I don’t have a slave leprechaun to help me with this blog. *sigh*)
Anyway, last Thursday I went to see my therapist and the session went very deep in some things I need help with. I would say that my main stumbling block is the church as a community. I am not talking about a spiritual stumbling block but something that gets in my way on many levels.
Something she said (that I have noticed too) is that when people have a problem with the church it is often because the church represent a parent they have a problem with. It is easier to leave the church than to leave the parent who is the problem.
I knew it applied to me as God embodies the father figure and the church absolutely represents my mother. I have known it for years and I won’t deny that many of my reaction are linked to my relationship with my mother.
Is the church full of mad people who need a therapist much more than they need a church? Oh yes baby. Just like some people need a therapist more than they truly need this football game. But my reactions, I know, are very less effective in my search for happiness.
I won’t talk now about how much the church IS my mother (crazy, dangerous, cruel, selfish, blind…am I forgetting anything?) because it would not be right. My mother is sick.
She is sick and it is not her fault at all and this is partly why it hurts so bad. If it were her fault I could hate her. Instead I am just left with my anger that I can’t aim at anybody and a walking dead-like being that gave me birth but that I can’t reach because it would jeopardize my fragile balance and family life.
I pray everyday that God will take her. Not because I hate her at all but because I want her to be at peace and not to suffer. And I want her to be able to enjoy how much we have overcome her bad treatment even if she won’t be able to interact with us. Because right now she can’t interact with us AND she can’t enjoy it either.

My therapist said “it seems that your mother subject is still a problem”
Yes it is. And it will always be and there is no solution to this problem in this life. So all I can do is not to think about it too much. There are cruel moments when I wish I could call her and talk to her and tell her about Anne. And I have to refrain. I wish I did not have a choice. I hope that someday I can tell that having a choice was a good thing.

I am going to make it short now because this post is already too long.

I am going to write a letter to my new stake president. I am not crazy about him but I know he can’t be as bad as some other leaders I have had. I feel this one is sincere.

The reason I am going to write to him is because I wish I could talk freely and openly about my excommunication and my coming back but it feels like there is no room for such a talk in the church. I believe it is because excommunication is an ugly word that totally misleads people. This way I feel that I can participate positively in the church and not just by being “the misfit” , the one who never think along with the crowd.

I believe that it can help me concerning my issue with the church.

Not going to church for a few weeks I guess

So, I developed some health issue during my pregnancy that got even worse after Anne was born.
It turned out it is multiple sclerosis.

It is like a big, ugly and scary name for something that is not so bad in my case. One of the doctor I have to see for that has me on some drugs that works pretty well but I have to try some others to see what fits me the best. Until what kind of medicationI should take is set and clear I don’t feel like going to church.
Sorry to say but each time I go to church my symptoms worsen. I know it is partly my fault because I am so stressed out that I get tired more easily and fatigue is one of the thing I have to watch out to have a better daily life.
I get stressed out because I worry for Pascal and Anne. I hate going to church without them BUT in the mean time I really don’t want Pascal to join the church.
Then I get to church and I have to gather all my strength to deal the members.
The only time I like and the reason I put myself under this is because I want to take the sacrament.

Therefore I like the new changes in the church in France.

Now the whole country has to do sacrament meeting first before all the other meetings in order to bring more spirituality in our teachings and how we deal with each other. I love it.

It does not change the situation it only helps me in finding the spiritual help I am craving for. Considering that it makes things a tiny bit (only a tiny bit) harder not to miss the sacrament I think I am going to wait until my friend Dany can take me to church or until I have this dang driving licence to be able to go to church without a part of the pressure. I was going to write “without all this pressure” but not having it is impossible.

Nap time for Anne

I just read what I wrote yesterday. Nice, exactly what I dread to write: something that sounds like a good wife and mother taking care of her baby and hubby (by the way I don’t call Pascal sweet names, I don’t like it).
I quickly took a look at Mikki’s blog and I am happy to see that she is still alive.
Ray seems to be the same and I will read again his blog when I have time.
I have been following Kim on Facebook and I am glad that she has eventually found a way to be happy and at peace.

The last time I wrote on this blog a long time ago I was in a situation that was quiet disturbing.

I had dated guys and every time things ended up quickly as I prayed for it to end if it was not right. Then Pascal came up. He fited everything I both dreamed of since I was about 10, what I wished for as an adult which made the situation quiet complicated as it was right what I knew would happen AND what I dreaded because it would be quiet and inextricable situation.

So one day (evening I should say) he felt something was not right and I had the hardest time saying this: we could not be intimate unless we were married. That was the end of it for me but he started sobbing and as I asked him why he was this way he said “I never met someone as honest”.

I was stunned. This was really not how things were supposed to turn out according to my experience of life.

We spent even more time together but there came a time when I knew I had to make this choice I did not want to make.
See, I have been excommunicated for breaking the law of chastity and not wanting to change my way. When I came back to the church I was not an 8 years old child, I knew what it would cost me to make this decision so to me there was no going back outside the church again. No matter how much I dislike the church (I love the gospel and my covenants) it was about a deal with God and not a matter of being accepted in a group (seriously who would want to be accepted by the mormons? They’re nuts!! If they like you it is time for you to get some help because you probably have something wrong.) therefore breaking the law of chastity was not an option in my mind. To top it all it was right the end of the time when my time of being watched to see if I would fall again in the same mistake was taking place.
Making this “bad” decision was like not only making fun of God but also making fun of the leaders of the church. I liked my bishop but even if I had not liked him I would still not have wanted him to feel like…oh well you get it.

But the thing was this:

Pascal has been married before. He lived with this woman for three years and he wanted to have a child. There was nothing he wanted more than that and she would always answer: no marriage no child. She already had a daughter and never married the father of Mélanie so I guess she had some good reasons this time. So they got married.
Then one day as they were having dinner with friends she just claimed that she did not want any more children. He was not prepared for it.

He thought that it was ok and that he would just be the best step-father he could for her daughter.

It went great for a while and then one day, after two years of being married she greated him with divorce papers telling him “you’re not the man I fell in love with anymore.”

They got a very fast divorce and as soon as it was over he asked his job to be transferred somewhere else (it is a big company with many sites) and this is when we met.

I really, really had the hardest time setting a similar pattern in our relationship.

Emotionally that was just horrible. I told him my reasons, I told him about the temple and how much I need it and all that my covenant represent to me. He knew from the start so I guess it was ok but I also felt very strongly prompted to make this choice to start a family with him even if it would mean so many things I did not want.

He very quickly promised me that we were going to get married.

I did not want to put pressure on him. I was ready to fight the leaders of the church if they put pressure on me concerning this state of things (considering where I came from). Fortunately I had a good bishop who, although was part of the council when I was excommunicated, understood the situation.

So here we are. I thought it would take something like 15 years and I was ready to wait but we got married over two weeks ago.

Looking back I know almost anything that I could be told about like: ” blah blah blah God’s path for you blah blah blah”. I know it is His path for me because if it were not then it would mean that I can follow my own and get away with it.

What disturbs me is what I felt, all that I have known for years before all this took place and what it means for the future.


Long time no writing and I am not sorry.

I knew I would come back to it this is why this time I did not close it down.
I needed a break off this blog to live for real and eventually to need it again.

My life had changed much and (I am so sorry for all of you either in our out the church who wished it were otherwise) I am still LDS.

Pascal and I got married a few days ago but that was only after having ANNE!

I don’t know if I like the path God has set me on. I think I like it because of its greatness but what I don’t like about it is how I am so much always on the verge of making the same old pride mistake.

I also decided to go back to see my therapist. I thought I could do for a while without her and I was right. It is just that some things came up that made this time much shorter than I hoped.

I wish I could write more but I have lost a lot of time today and I still have to exercise, sleep and clean a little our home before Pascal and Anne are back from work and day-care.

I guess I am going to add a new category called “family life” or something of the kind.IMG_1094 IMG_1095

Unsettled and feeling at peace

I am right now at a very weird place in my life. The more I pray about it the more it feels like I am doing what is right although my mind tells me the opposite and it is very disturbing.

It is hard to describe with words that have not been yet used without giving the wrong impression about my life and what I want.

I have come at peace with what I am and who I am no matter the laughters and sniffles. Although I want badly someone to understand me I realize that I don’t need it really to progress.  And to tell the truth it is hard.
I know my words sound easy to understand but it is only because I am always keeping things on the surface so anyone can reach to it. And I know this sounds very arrogant when I am just expressing pain and loneliness.

I don’t know when will be the next time I write on this blog because things are getting too personal to be shared even in an almost anonymous way. I wanted this blog to be a record of perpetual progression when I realize that although it can be I guess this is a quiet time for experience and growth that needs to be done in secret before I can come up with new insights.

What has been on my mind the past month

And it goes in circle:

I now understand that both what I can do that others can’t or don’t (they don’t necessarily can’t as it would imply a need for something to take place when some things are just incidental) is only because of the way my brain has been shaped and wired. The intensity and the reason why I may vibrate to things that people don’t even see or care about. 
So what is really me?
I have met others like me and it was crazy to hear my words in their mouth when before people would either look at me as if I were nuts or would basically run away from me.
Meeting others like me who use their abilities to do things I don’t agree with made me realize that my choices tell me a little who I am and I have been searching more in depth who I was before coming here and who I am expected to become.
Yet this entanglement between who I am and what I am either here or there and it goes both ways has made me look at things the way I have when I was a teenager (until I understood I was crazy and I needed to stop of course) but with more of the knowledge I was hoping to have someday.

I am often grateful and humbled by the blessing of knowing what I know now. I am grateful for the confidence it gives me in my choice and the solace and serenity I find in my life. I am humbled by what I can see from the little cleaning of my dark glasses (Ray this is for you) as it makes it an emergency to learn to love the way Christ did because it is the only way to be saved really.

There is nothing that the love I can show will really change. Yet it can help someone face another day until they can the answer they needed to feel and be better.
I know understand how what I can do is both small and nothing to brag or to be ashamed about but it can have enormous consequences. I knew it before and I had experienced it but always as a recipient of someone else’s deeds. 

There is also something I don’t understand concerning this whole matter. The more I want to follow the path He wants me to take the more it seems that I am deriving from it. I am not talking about “opposition” I am talking about praying to know His will and having the only path I thought was the wrong one opening before me.
Yet what I have learned and I know is that the most important is what I desire really and my relationship with Him. Hopefully someday it will all make sense.