tomorrow Beyrut

Tomorrow I will be on the plane for a week that I have been dreaming for during the past 27 years or so.
How cool is that?

I am going to takle tones of picture. I have bought an extra memory card for my camera and I am just excited when I think of all the pictures I am probably going to take.

Last year at about the same time I was getting ready to back to the US for a short trip and the situation was very different. the feeling about this trip was also very different. I love the fact that I have been far West and I am going far East within a year. This is a the kind of life I wish I could spend my years on. Just going anywhere, meeting people. talking to people, hearing what they have to say about life, how they see it in their corner of the world. I just love it.

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I just love us

I watched yesterday one of my favorite episode of BSG with my sister “No exit”. Before I get to what and why I love it I want to say how tired I am of the lack of general culture of my fellow citizens. It never occured to them that “no exit” in English was the translation for “huis clos” by Jean Paul Sartre so they translated it a different way. Why do they have a real job and I don’t?

Anyway.

In this episode a creature talks with his creator. The creature is full of anger, jealousy, bitterness, has a sadistic personnality and so on.
Of course the creature tell its creator that the human genocide is all because of the flaws that the creator decided to make him with.
The creator answers back with free will and creativity.
What I loved best was when the creature had really good points to which the creator would answer with a “I am so sorry for you” kind of look because the whole purpose of the creature, everything that it did was to prove its creator wrong when it could have magnify what it was. The creator gave him the potential to destroy humanity, hence the potential to do the opposite too.
I just love it.

Of course what the creature said was a direct reference to Blade Runner but I like hos they kept the poetic aspect of it to make it something much interesting to ponder about.

turning a page

I am going to ask to be released from the nursery. I just feel tired and I don’t have the feeling that I am going anywhere with this calling anymore. I know that when I am tired (no matter what level) you can tell me the most simple thing I just won’t get it.
I just know that I will be back there someday but ti is ok. I am fine with going back to the task it is just that now it is pointless for me to have this calling.

I feel a little sad but in the mean time I need to go to RS and Sunday school. I have not been there since I was re-baptized, it is kind of crazy. I should say that the first thing I wanted was to serve and to be put to the task, so it is not like I have been forced into it.

I also hope to get new insight and new inspiration for this blog because I am totally slacking off.

Why does it always take me…

…so long to realize that “NO I AM NOT GOOD!” ?

I am not going to go to work today because I just came out of a full week of migraine and the peak of it being yesterday when the pain was accompanied to nausea and sensitivity to light and sounds.

I have felt like crap the whole week but did not realize it was like very light migraine until it was really bad.

What is also funny is that when the pain started calming down in the night I coudl tell my brain was like trying to suffocated the pain and I could tell that it was taking much, much physicall energy.

And it seems that it is always like this with me no matter what kind of pain it is. I have to learn to identify when I am not feeling good.
Is it unrealistic expectation that I have been taught to have about myself that disables me of identifying when I am in a position of weakness? Is it because my mother taught me to “tough it up” like she thought a man should even though I was supposed to become a woman?

Then when I come out of one of this crisis I need to be pampered.
This is a waste of time and energy.

I need to better identify my needs.

I think I am going to use today to catch up with my blog reading and to read better the bible because it is getting tough and I think I am going to need to read it morning adn evenings if I want to be able to undersand really what I am reading.

Feeling alone in my choices

I know the choices I make always set me appart from the crowd no matter what direction I look at.

I don’t expect people to understand me or to make the same choices as mine and I take pride in chosing the less taken road.

But today.

I was hoping that my best friend would understand that you don’t always have to chose the easiest road to be happy. I was hopping she’d see what I see and understand my words.
I have never told her do this or do that I just worked hard to show her a different way and I think that I really made it clear. She understood and then fell into the easy path and I am feeling sad and lonely.
I love her and I can’t blame her.

It is just that I fear the worse for her not because she has not made the same choices as mine but because she has made choices according to the short sight she choses to have.

I am sad because I know that someday she’ll regret this choice and will go through hard times just because this is easier right now.
I know one could tell that it has been the same for me a few years ago and yes in one way.
The thing is that nobody back then talked to me and showed me a different way but the two usual option I had grown up with.
I love her and I’ll be here for her when it happens. But I hope it won’t happen sooner than I think because I need all this time to learn to stop me from telling her “I tried to tell you but you would not listen” which is the worst thing to tell someone ever.
I am just angry at her because I thought she would make a smarter choice and thus living up to the image I have of her.
And the truth is that she did not have to.
It is just that I am angry at her for making me feel alone again.
I did not want her to follow my path. I wanted her to find her way and not fall into the trap of the “two only options” and we could have shared more then.

Brahim

I am trying not to get too excited but it is hard.

This kid is supposed to be one of the tough one at the school but somehow we have bounded.
I have had the feeling that I was walking on egg shells lately with him and today after work the best thing happened.

I was on my way back home and I had stopped to buy something to drink and to eat because I was really hungry. I saw him as he was walking toward me and first I though that our path were just meeting so I handed some cookies over to him and then I realized that it was not an accident. He had seen me and had come over to reach me because he wanted to introduce me to his mom!
He even said to her that I was the one he had told her about and that I was kind.
Do you hear this?
KIND!

He trusts me for real!

Now I have to make sure I can do my job and explain things to him and keep his trust. I only have a school year to go I hope I can hold on that long.

I had been wondering about the last incident and thought that maybe feeling bad that I caught him lying to me he would feel humiliated and break away from the little bound we were making but NO. He came to get me to introduce me to his mother.

Now I have to find a way to explain to him that he needs to calm down because not everybody is against him. Then I really need to help him get a little better education or at least want to.
He is a very smart kid but the kind who gets easily mad at everybody because he just does not have the words to tell or understand what he needs. if only he could get this education I know he could do much better than to be a mechanic in some factory.
I am not saying that to be a mechanic is wrong generaly speaking but it would be wrong for him because he can do something else, Something that would really enable him to blosom and grow and become the oak he can be instead of remaining a bush like the others.

I guess his potential the problem is to have him feel this potential and understand that it can be a drive instead of the pain I see he is experiencing.