I feel nervous

He is going to tell her today that he breaking off with her. Today at 2.00pm my time.
I trust him.
I should say we trust each other.
But still it is not a good time for him and it is going to be even a worse time for her.
I feel bad for her but I am too happy in the mean time.

It is official


“H” came yesterday.
I took him to a picnic by a lake outside the city.

He kissed me.

And the funny part is that when he did we heard a choir practicing far away.

If this is a joke from HF it is actually funny.

We talked a lot.

I feel bad for “A” because he is the kind of person who is really willing to mend things up when possible and he tried for years.
One of the thing he told me is that about ten years ago she had a miscariage and they never talked about it.
My heart broke when he told me this. And he did not say anything but it came in a discussion about losing a child and how it is the most horrible thing and I could tell he was upset that it was called only a “miscarriage” when it obviously meant more to him.

Anyway he is really willing to obey the law of chastity for me.
Can I say how much of a hard time I have to sleep these nights?

No big M word dang…

Mikki, can you refrain from being such a girl?

So, when I bought this really nice camera I also registered on a photography forum. Of course I put my photography blog on my profile and all the members came to see it.
One of the moderator of the forum came back often and even left comments.
We wrote a lot to each other and it is realy nice to have someone who has so much knowledge who is willing to help me.

I really need to talk to my bishop because the temple in France may be bocoming a reallity and I was expecting not to be able to go there when I was out of the church, even when I came back I knew that if something should happen I may not be able to go to the temple but now it has been like two years and I would be sad to miss this out.
Beside I really need to go there no matter where it is because I need councelling and I need to feel really close to our Heavenly Father. Well I feel close, I need to feel even closer. I am in one of those situation where I need to know of feel where/what I am steping in although I feel really good about it. I need to know it is not just me but it is also really approved by our Heavenly Father.

Sometimes life is tricky.
All right Mikki.

April fool

This moderator and I have been communicating a lot and he drove 90 km back and forth to spend a day with me and he will do it again next friday.
I need to go to the temple. I really like him.
The “funny” part is about the law of chastity. I don’t know how I screw things up but I must not have been clear about it because he understood something much harder than it is really. When I cleared it out he said “oh, ok, I can live with that”. I refrain from saying “YOU CAN? Because I have a hard time with it myself!!!!”
It would not have been smart to say such a thing after how much we’ve been discussing the subject.

Anyway, he has been with this woman for 18 years but they have been less than roomates forever. They are not even sleeping in the same room.

This week end she has asked him to go to the French Riviera (which he hates) and he told me that he would much rather go there with me. To which I answered that it is up to him. He answered back that this situation was not going to last forever and that it was a matter of weeks. WOW, due to the situation I was expecting a few months. I mean I don’t know what they have in common but I knid of expect them to have bought their place for example. If it is not their place I am sure they have much stuff in common and I don’t see how this could be solved quickly.

Beside he can’t change city since his job is very specific. And the city is really small so I wonder how he is going to work things out.

I may be jumping the gun but I have checked out if there is an Aïkido club for my league there. And not only there is but it is a nice one.

let’s start with the sad part

I wrote a while back about my best friend and the poor choices she has been making. I knew she was wrong and I could not have been clearer when I told her so. I guess either I am wrong and I could have been or she really chose to use her free agency the wrong way.
I understand our Heavenly Father better when we tell Him “I am going to do that” and He is just screaming “Noooooooooooo” and still we do it. what can He do next? Help us out to get out of the bad situation we put ourself in because He loves us.
It is the same with my friend.
Yet I thought it would take longer before she would find herself in the state that she is in.

She is going crazy, literraly as I have in the same situation. She is hurting a wonderful man who has been with her for close to a decade.

Seeing her hurting this way I have felt anger again because she is writing her own condamnation and I had a feeling of unfairness. See, it is not so much the choice she is making but why she is making them and the fact that I keep on telling her the why and the how because I have been there but it does not seem to matter. If I should get exalted I am just not interested in getting there without my loved ones which includes her. I owe her so much and I can’t imagine eternity without her to stimulate me on an intelectual level and more. I just can’t imagine somehing that is worth not having her around anymore.
I know this kind of anger, I have felt it before and I know what it has lead me to feel and chose and do.
First I know that I need to sleep better because being tired damages my ability to see clear and to feel the spirit.
I know it sounds very “mortal” but i can tell the value of the word of wisdom.
Second what I have been doing has been to go to the bishop to tell him about what is bothering me. Not that he can do something for me, this kind of situation is way beyond his understanding but I need him as a bishop because I need to “check” myself.
Third I know I am doing good (not wonderful but good is great already) with my scripture reading and prayers and I need to keep this up. Something that excommunication has helped me with is that I have strictly no problem with expressing my anger at God. I know He finds my concern really slight compared to what He thinks is good for me but this is how I feel and I need to know that He knows to. I need to be sure that He knows that very little matters more to me than her being ok AND being with her if I should get exalted. And I intend to do my best to deserve it.
She is my best friend and this are not light words, this means something to me.

I have felt strongly an answer after expressing my feelings to God, I have felt that this is not really my business but His. He is aware of my feelings but He won’t stop her from doing what she wants the same way He has not stped me. I also felt that it is taken care of but I have an issue with this: Faith. If I don’t know or if I don’t see for myself I have a hard time trusting the way I should.
I don’t want to be told that she is taken care of I want to see how for myself. I want evidences. I want papers signed up with His own hand writting.
I know this is ridiculous too.
So I am just letting go and trying to be a friend as much as I can because honestly I am getting mad at her sometimes.

I have invited her boyfriend to the restaurant. I thought he needed to hear some things and I still think he needs to but I quickly found out he needed to be listened more than anything else. I felt bad for thinking I was going to tell him I wanted to be his friend and then starting to explain to him things that are true but that he does not need.

So things may turned out bad for my best friend but I will be there for her and if her couple should really explode as we are all expecting I hope I can be a friend for her boyfriend to as I claim to be.

I knew it

I knew it had been too long since the last time I wrote but I thought it had been longer than that.

Many things have happened.
I must say that I feel inspired again to write since I have gone through some things that I want to share.

As I thought I was right about my best friend and now she is in pain and I am too.

So this is the bad/sad/teaching part of all the things I have to write about.

I guess I must be doing somehting good with my life (I am not always sure, I only try to be honest) since I am being really blessed in the fields that matters the most for me.

Let’s start with the shortest news: I am doing good with my Aïkido. I did not pass with flying colors but I know I can do better than what I did on the tatami. So this is good enough for me.

And in case you wonder I am the fat one 😉

What else? Oh my gosh can it take less than a day to write about it? I don’t think so therefore I’ll leave it for Monday meanwhile I hope I’ll get a chance to talk with my bishop because I really need to.
No I did not do anything wrong, I just told you I must bedoing something good with my life, but I do need to talk to him about going back to the temple since it has been two years now AND I just need to go to the temple but I guess I need to tell you why. the problem is that it is way to long to type so come back on Monday for the big thing going on in my life right now.