I am still here

At least for 24 hours I guess.

Talking to this siter from my mission was better than I thought after writting my post yesterday.
I felt really good. I think I had a glimpse of what it willl be like when all this is over and we are together again.
Our stories are different but we have come to the same spiritual conclusions in a lot of things. Maybe not everything, I can’t really tell because we spoke for only 45 minutes or so, but enough things that we can relate to what each other say.
I pray that she has a bishop as good as mine.
Not that mine is perfect but he was perfect for me at this time. I mean he did say things that were kind of wrong but they did not really matter. It was just not very smart and understandable in the mean time. I mean, he is a former military, there is no way I can expect him to have a little tact. LOL
Poor bishop.
He has been through much this year but I am happy that things are falling back in place for his familly.

Yesterday I prayed really hard that I can learn the things He wants me to learn though my “brand new” calling.
I mean I am missing the point of it. I have to. I am put back in the exact same spot I left. I have wondered if it is because I can be “such a good teacher” and I think I can be and this is partly why I am called there but I honestly believe it has more to do with a step that I have not figured out yet. I have progressed much these past months but this one is just a mystery to me.
Do you know what comes to my mind when I think about inspired callings and teaching?

SCAVENGER HUNT!

It feels like it.

We have the instructions, we have plenty of them and we can get help. And it is up to us to find the treasures.
I think I am going to keep this picture to help people who have a hard time with their calling. And if it does not help I will try fear and tell them about me being stuck in the same calling no matter how much I try to get out of it even through excommunication!

Thank you so much

I was supposed to give the keys of my appartment on saturday but nobody in my housing comapny works on saturday.
So I was scheduled for monday morning which gave me a good 24 hours more to move my stuff.

The woman from the office called me….they can’t check my appartment until friday NEXT WEEK.

Oh thank you.

This is really a big blessing, this way I am going to move myself without asking anybody and still do it without being too tired.

Today I was able to call someone from my mission. It felt good to talk to her. I was happy to talk to someone about the things I am writing on this blog. It is not like I need it, it just that it is nice to be able to.
Anyway, this might be my last post before a few days or a few weeks, I don’t know. I should be cut off from the net tomorrow I hope I’ll be able to blog tomorrow but I just don’t know.

This is amazing

This has strictly nothing to do with a spiritual subject.

I can’t believe what I just heard.

Ok here is the thing.
Since I am going to NH in October and since there is a high school and since they are teaching french there I thought I could contact them to offer to come to talk to the class. I also want to try something like a pen pal thing with the kids I am working with.
Anyway I was able to talk to someone this time (not the teacher) and I got the most demotivated person on Earth. I really thought that all these people lived in France you know.
Gosh! This is funny. I really hope that the teacher won’t be this way. I will call again in a few.

USA won’t cease to amazes me. When you think it is one way (for good or bad) then someone will pop out and prove you wrong. But I’d rather when people are better than I expected you know. I am funny this way.

So many things to do

I got to run to my housing company to bring papers for my sister, then I got to run to the electricity company to have electricity in the new appartment when I move in, I have to get some groceries and I got to clean I little my horrible mess.
What should I start with?
Oh I know!
Blogging.

I had so many things to write about yesterday but I knew my post would be “un-readable”.

I had prepared myself for this big sunday.
I even arrived a little early to church.
I participated in both RS and SC which is unlike me.

Taking the sacrament was not a earth-shaking experience. The whole sunday has been filled with the spirit but not in a way that would have made me cry. More in a soft flooding way. During the week it feels like I cary the spirit with me. Like a have my share of it and I can enjoy as much as I want. Sunday was different. It felt like it was all around and I did not have to carry it but more like I was swimming in it.
Yes, I think that’s it.
The spirit to me this past week compared to yesterday felt like water in the desert. We all have a bottle that can be refilled as much as we want, we don’t have to drink it, we can use it for anything and even waiste it. But on suday we get to an oasis and we get not only to drink and rest but also to swim in the lake if we feel like. Then we’re off again for another week until the next oasis.
Taking the sacrament has been more like diving in the lake. And I decided to let myself float and rest.

This morning I woke up with two ideas for the church. One for my calling and one for the ward and our futur missionnary (he is puting his papers in).

I will try my idea for my calling starting on sunday but I want to try it before I let you know about it.

My idea for the ward would be about missinnary work.
We are a small ward in which Guillaume has always lived.
My idea is to have him scan his tag when he gets it in the MTC, or maybe have it scanned when he gets in the field since he may not have access to a scanenr in the MTC.

I will have his tag printed out on something hard, or maybe not but not as soft as paper and I want to make a LOT of them.

Then I want to write down this program for missionnary work where everytime you do some missionnary work you get a “point Guillaume” (Guillaume is William, so it would be like a William point). This will last during all his mission time. I think I want to give TWO points for sharing a testimony. Then members would get one point for going with the missionnaries or inviting a friend to meet the missionnaries. This will be a way to both encourage missionnary work in the ward in a way that will help the members relate to it since half of them have known Guillaume BEFORE his birth. They will be encouraged to do it AND they will support our missionnary in a way that I know will mean something to him. Well, you get an idea of the benefit it would be for everybody.

We have many new families so it would also be a way to help them feel really a part of the ward although we have been pretty nice to them. LOL we can’t really afford to snob them anyway.

To help the children remember Guillaume I have another plan.

I have found this thing to mesure up the children. I have asked the primary president (who is the wife of the bishop) if her husband could have it put on a piece of wood. Then I want to measure them about once a month and put their name on it. Before that I will have measured up Guillaume and put a big picture of him on the side of it. This way I want to teach the oldest about “growing”. If you see any problem in my idea just let me know.
The only thing I WON’T accept to hear is “they are too young”. My first memory traces back to when I was 18 months and it is one where I was fully aware of the world above me. There is a way to teach them but they are not too young.

Anyway, I need to write down my program and hand it over the bishop.

Everybody knows I am back

The bishop got a meeting with all the presidents before church meeting. He told me he would tell them that know I had been re-baptized so I could give prayers.

OH GOSH!

Opening prayer in RS: Me

Opening prayer in Sacrament meeting: Me

And guess who got a calling RIGHT after church?

That would be me again.

And what calling did I get?

Let me think.

When the bishop told me that when I would be re-baptized I would get quickly a calling I knew I would be called in the nursery. It is not like I “feared” I would be called in the nursery. I KNEW IT.
So what calling did I get?
Oh my gosh!
This is nursery president.
Because there is a president ofr the nursery now? Boy, I have been out too long.

It is not that I don’t like children. It is just that kids are not my cup of tea. I mean I like them when they are around 10. Before an after this time I think they should be cryogenized or something like that. The issue is that then they would not grow and skip the two periods I dislike (before and after ten). I think I need to work this concept out.
You know, when they are ten they are smart enough to have a good little conversation bu hormones have not kicked it yet.
I know you think I am trying to be smart but not really. I am just expressing my deep feelings about kids.

Now my sweet Heavenly Father and I are going to have a little talk tonight. I mean I am sincerely thankful that I got a calling. I am going to be able to relieve mothers from a the worry of not knowing what to do with their child and they’ll know they are pretty safe with me. I am not complaining about the fact that I got called in the nursery.
My question is “why AGAIN?”
I have been the primary president and I have been in ursery before. Does Heavenly Father really think I should deal with members’ brats children to earn celestial kingdom? Aren’t they other callings that could bring me the same knowledge?

I know you are going to say “no” and I aggree with you. But I am sure that with a little effort we could work something out.
I start wondering if the parents are going to be that thrilled when I start “teaching” their kids.
These are all my feelings but as I have already said, honestly, I want to serve anywhere I can and I really don’t care if the callings are inspired or not. Honestly, if it is inspired then “great”, if it is not the “too bad” FOR THEM. I just want to serve and if they don’t put me in the right position then it is their lose not mine. All that I am asking is to serve, specially in this ward, and learn.

Big sunday

Do you all realize that next sunday I am going to take the sacrament?
I have not taken it since at least 6 years for I had resolve not to take it even if I had not been excomunicated yet long before I was.

It is going to be a very strange feeling.

I need to go to bed and I need to read my scriptures.

Socializing

I have tried again. I am getting better at it but it is just not my thing although I met nice girls yesterday.

I like to refer to myelf as a socially gifted geek. There is nothing wrong to being a geek I think if it is not out of imposed seclusion.

My best friend invited me over to a small party to wich she had invited her co-workers and their boy-friends. It turned out that the boys could not come so if it had not been for her boy-friend it would have been a girl only thing.
We had a nice evening but I just did not have anything to say. I enjoyed listening to them I guess.
I am not saying that it was a bad evening at all. It was really a good one. I am just realizing how much it is true that I just don’t like that much to talk anymore. I like to listen and look better than to share if I don’t feel a special bond with someone.
The high light of the evening for me was when one of the guest thought that I was (again) 10 years younger than the reality.
I really hope B has a sense of humor as twisted (and sometimes evil) as mine, I would like him not to say anything about me and let me deal with all the informations about myself so I can let people believe I am only between 22 and 27. This way, if we end up together I want to see how long I can hold on to such a lie without laughing….
Speaking of B I guess yesterday we could have talked too but I did not “want” to. I had a strong desire to talk to him but I did not “want” to.
It is so frustrating to have such a good time on the phone without having a chance to date before Halloween. I have spoilled all my little ways to divert my mind from thinking about the trip. I have bought almost all the candies I could think of and I am applying to this show just so that I will have something else to focuse on. There is also my moving in the new appartment and being back to school and trying to set this new club in the school I work in.
No I am not a teacher.
My position is more administrative and yet directly in contact with the teens. This position does not exist in the US.
Anyway my plan is to have them study and improve their english without making it like they are studying. What I want to do is to have “pen pals” over the net and do have web cam chat session with me to help them. This way they will NEED english because they will want to have fun. Me being there, hopefully, will make them more comfortable, then when they can point a difficulty we can work on it together.

I wish I could go on with my photography club but let’s face it, it has not been successful at all. I am hoping to make it with this other club.

Anyway, I can really say that I am at peace now.
All these things that I have written the past few days have enabled me to see life with new eyes.
Thinking about all the wrong people may do makes me more sad for the perpetrator than before.
I wonder how much evil would happen if people could feel the pain they are causing. I think that wrong things would still happen becaus some people just delight in chosing evil. But hings could be so much different. This is such a “Care Bear world” thought. LOL
I think that right now I just would like people to understand that all is well and that they may hurt when something negative happens in their life but they really don’t need to get stuck in this feeling. Nothing will come out of it. the only way to regain peace and happiness is to accept that others cannot do anything but to acknowledge our pain, not erase it, sometimes they can soften it but that’s all.
Pain only leads to more pain in one way or another.

It feels like I have now “soft spots” and not “weak spots” anymore.

What I mean is that I used to be very sympathetic, I use to feel really strongly other’s pains and it would really drag my strength out of me. I could get hurt for someone worse than if it had happened to me.
It feels like now I am beyond this. I know where this pain can lead them for worse or better. I wish there was a way to make sure they all make the righ choice. But this is not God’s plan. They cannot learn this way, they cannot grow and they cannot understand how much they are loved by God if I can make them make the right choices. At best they can love me and trust me if I say that there is a God who love them more than I could, but they cannot know it for themself. And this is a big deal.

The more I think about people who cannot find their way to our Heavenly Father the more I am sad for them. What a waist of time. What a waist of love.

Something that really does not count

But I wanted to share it with you anyway.

There is this show/game in France called “un diner presque parfait” (an almost perfect dinner). The idea is that five people get to eat at each other’s place once during one week. At the end of the dinner the host is giving a grade by the guests. At the end of the week the winner wins 1000€.
They are going to have it in St-Etienne next month and I want to participate. They called me and asked me to send pics of me and other things.
I really hope I’ll get selected. I would just love to participate. Of course I would like to win also but participating is 75% of the fun. Beside it would be my 15 minutes of fame since people would see me everyday for one week on TV.
In the mean time I am nervous, the others would probably be really good cook also and I am very sensitive when it comes about my cooking.

Today

I was able to speak to B this past night.
He bought a new phone so the communication was MUCH better.
We did not takl for a long time because he has resolved to make an effort to go to bed earlier and I think it is good, he is right. I just could not believe how late he was going to bed when he would tell me to call him at certain times.

Then I was not able to sleep so I did myself a french manucure while waiting to be tired again. I went to bed at like 6.00 am.

When I “woke up” I found Mikki’s answer that sent me to a blog of another lady.
This woman is saying the words I could have said which made me cry and made me sad for my mom.

This is the thing, she had let the wound re-open and re-open everyday of her life since I know her and yes this is the cack through which Satan slide in.
I am so sorry for her.
I have understood something that I heard when I was a child but which was not important, it did not hit me then as it has these past days. Back when I heard it it was just a teaching, someone’s understanding and that was all.

No matter who we are, if we pretend to be christian, bearing the name of Christ, showing that we love him and we are gratefull for His sacrifice then the only rule we should go by in our relationship should be forgiveness and this is what I am praying for. When he paid the price for our sins He did it to settle a new contract. We enjoy the fact that by taking our sins upon Him God will forgive us if we repent but what we don’t undertsand is that He paid this price not only to God but to ourself.
In TV shows and in daily life we may hear people saying “God may forgive you, I will not”. This is wrong. Whe He laid His life He did it to ease us. We may have very legitimate feeling of anger and hatred to the point of wanting to see someone dead.
So He did.
He died.
He died to interfere with our need for the most passionate negative desire saying: “you want him/her dead? Ok, listen I will suffer what you have suffered and more if it is what it takes for you to feel satisfied in your need for justice. If you accept my offer, if you accept me as your debtor then you don’t need anything more but to follow my steps and be happy. Thus I will be his/her creditor and his/her sin is not your problem anymore but mine. And then, the only thing I am asking of you is to love this person as you would love God who has provided this idea for all to enjoy”
Not accepting this is basically telling Him that the price was not enough.
If the price was not enough and decide it has not been high enough, not only are we being worse than the one who have hurt us but we also gamble with our own salavtion in this way that if the price is not the right one then we can’t enjoy it ourself when we are in the position of needing forgiveness.

One thing also.

Since He was the mediator. Since He was the one paying the price for us. Who was paying the price for Him to be able to be relieved from His heartaches?
Nobody.
He paid a higher price because not only did He take our sins upon him but also because there was nobody to relieve Him from the pain we cause and the price could not be paid by someone who was not willing to drop hatred and love unconditionnaly without “a little help”.

Writing this I realize that I just droped what my mother (and I) call my “Christ syndrom”. I had this tendency (as a lot of people do) to want to save everyone from anything and actually to do my best to do it and feeling litterally sick if I did not susseed. Yes my life has been miserable when it was not necessary.
Writing these has helped me to understand that I want everybody to turn to Christ because this is the way. I just can’t do it but a way has been provided. I need to enjoy this way and to invite everyone to enjoy it.

I am so sorry for my mother, she has never accepted the price. she has accepted the challenge but she has just decided that this price was not good enough for her. She does not understand the higher law of love and doing so she has lead a horribly sad life and made many mistakes that could have been easily avoided.

This is my little sister, the one who has a hard time not forgiving, the one who is like my aunt (my mother’s little sister) who has forgiven and who is happy now. I guess forgiveness can be genetically inheritaded…just kiding

When I was a child I was a Jedi (just kiding or maybe not)

You’ve got to be french to understand this title. It is just a french song that I like.

Anyway this post is indeed going to be about a childhood experience that I use to tell about when I was a teenager mostly because I did not understand it. I think there is still no explanation to it, I mean that the exlpanation is not for me to know in this life. Or maybe what I understand now is just what it was about.

Anyway, if you grew up in the church you probably stood up when you were very little to bear your testimony on the first sunday of each month to say “I know my Heavenly Father loves me, I know JS was a prophet of God, I know the BoM is true, I love my parents etc…” If you have never done this please raise your hand (and bow your head in shame just kidding again).
In the first ward we were in, the one my mom had been baptized in I would do it every month. The ward was my family and I was comfortable. As any other child my age (about 3 or 4 years old) I did not have a clue of what I was truly saying but I did it because we all did (the primary kids) and because (I am sure that the other children felt the same) WE KNEW IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Hard to explain but basically we knew it was right, we did not understand a thing about how important bearing a testimony is but we wanted to do it because we knew (oh please don’t tell me I was the only one feeling this way) it pleased our Heavenly Father.

The ward was closed down and we were all spread over other (and sometimes new) units.
I stoped bearing my testimony out of shyness. I just did not know these people and I was scared. We were in a huge ward, the building had few windows and there was no garden to run in with the other kids. I really missed my first ward.

Then one sunday, as all the adults stood up and bore their testimonies and I waited for this pain to be over, I heard a voice telling me to stand up and bear mine. The sentence was “go and bear your testimony”. I got scared because it was not a voice from outside and it did not belong to anyone I knew.
Helaman 5:30
And it came to pass when they heard this voice, and beheld that it was not a voice of thunder, neither was it a voice of a great tumultuous noise, but behold, it was a still voice of perfect mildness, as if it had been a whisper, and it did pierce even to the very soul.

I tried not to but the voice was insistent, so I did.

As I opened my mouth (and here you are waiting for a huge miracle) I was under the shock of what had just happened to me and I burst into tears. I did not say a single word. If you think that I was able to say anything intelligible just forget about it.

For years I have been wondering what was the good of it since I had not been able to actually bear my testimony. Then I understood that it was only for me to gain a testimony on my own before I was even 8 years old. and maybe it was the point.

But now that I am 32 I look at it as a teaching experience (along with my first testimony).

When I was really little I did not know what I was doing and it did not matter to me because I knew I was doing what was right and I was happy to do so.
Later I still wanted to do what was right but I started being afraid of doing it, beside I had acquired an understanding of how little I was in a lot of senses. I did no see the point of bearing a testimony that I did not think adults would really care about on a spiritual level. Of course I was cute and stuff but it was not what bearing a testimony was about.
Then I got this experience which has been my anchore through all these years. But the most important is that although I got scared both because of the crowd and because of the voice I still did what I was asked to.
Then as I grew up I let fear drive me (along with pain and bitterness).

Coming back to the church has been an experience that I want to others to enjoy.

I am still affraid of a lot of things. I still want to cry because I am affraid of them. But I also want to tell you that with my tears of fear there are tears of gratitude for a God who is by my side and who will not drop me if I let go of my fear.
He is aware of why I feel this way and He does not think these are minor concerns. But He wants me to know they are nothing compared to His power if I just let go and trust Him. The only power that can prevent his to help me is actually mine. So the choice is easy: do I want to progress and get rid of these fears or not? Do I want to do what is right or not? Do I want to feel He is pleased with me or not?
Do I want this feeling that drove me to write these words to last or not?

The answer to all these questions do not need to have a comlpicate answer. It is either yes or no. I am free to chose between the two and I chose yes.

What I am finding out also is that the gospel is very simple (maybe it had to be since we are so complicated). It is only a matter of yes or no and trust.

I hope I’ll never be affraid again of jumping in what I think is the unknown.
Yet I am finding out that it is not the “unknown” it is more like the “forgotten”. But this will be for another post.