Time out

The more I try to read my scriptures the more I need it. Like this week I turned to it twice just because I needed it.

This morning I finished 2 Nephi and I really love the last chapter. It touched me so much that I had the feeling I could hear his voice.

Anyway these few minutes of pondering on a spiritual subject helps me during the day more than I thought it would and this morning “time out” was something I really needed today.

I work in a high school. I am not a teacher. My job is about relationship with the kids, passing on informations, making sure the rules are followed or entertaining the students. This morning my co-worker told me that he got in trouble because “an information was not passed on”. It was a very important one.

THE INFORMATION HAS BEEN PASSED ON!

It is just that the teachers did not bother taking a look at the form that he had filled.

This really makes me mad. This is what I have experienced over the past few years: you do your best to do the second mile and people try to put tumbling block over your path just with the first mile. This co-worker is much respected by the kids and does a great job. Something screwed up and they blamed it on him when it was not his fault at all.

I really need to find another one. Not just for my mental health sake but also be cause I make so little money that paying tithing will mean not being able to buy groceries and I don’t feel like relying on the ward for it. So here are TWO good reasons to find a new job.

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Coming to think of this

I would have felt hurt before if the bishop had told me to basically “go seek help somewhere else”. I think I would have been kind of right and although I think that he could have said things a different way I think he made me face in a very blunt way that there is no way I can be perfect by the time I get baptized just because it is not the point of it.

It is not like I have thought about becoming perfect or believed I should be perfect by the time I get rebaptized. I have understood that the path is more important than the pace. But I cannot help falling back into my old flaws.

My issue these days is also that I want to do more to be ready I want to prove our Heavenly Father that I mean it. I know it is stupid because it is not like He does not know me. Yeah I know what you might think or want to tell me: “keep cool, breath deep, relaxe”.

LOL

I have not come here to fail

I met with the bishop today because I wanted to talk to him about this forgiveness issue I have. I intended to talk only for 5 minutes because I just wanted to express it but not to like take the time to talk it out to totally solve it. I don’t think that he got my idea because he tried to advise me but he did not have the time to do so because he had told someone else he would meet her and she was waiting and it was hard on her because she was sick.

I really did not intend to put him under pressure. I told him that I wanted to meet with him about it again and he asked me if I could talk about it to someone else. He was honest and straight to the point, I was too. I told him no because (I don’t doubt others have the answers I am looking for but) he is the only one I trust. I don’t trust him to have the answers and I don’t trust him to be smarter or more loving or more caring. I think that many people master in these fields much better than he does (his son for example who was the bishop when I got excommuncated). I trust him to be honnest and straight to the point with me and I trust him to be more gospel oriented than most people I would/could turn to.

Beside the fact that he has no magical recipe to teach me patience and forgiveness he told me what I needed to hear that this is the way to solve my issue: prayer and relying on the atonement.

The thing is that I have a hard time relying on it and in the mean time I am upset about myself because it is like I know I can let go. I have experienced it. I know how to do it. I know how good it feels. I know everything I need to know about but I am still holding on. And there is nothing wrong realyl about it. I can take the time I need but I am mad at myself for not being able to do it again when I know I have been able to do it once. I feel like in a web and the more I try to get out of it the more I feel tangled up in it.

It is not like I am angry and I hate these two leaders anytime I think of them. It is more like they are buttons that can be pushed on to make me angry, feel hurt and therefore make me weaker. And one of them could as well be dead now or not even remember why I could be mad at him because he was already “not that young” back then. It is ridiculous. I am having all these feelings because of someone who can be dead now and not give a d*mn of how I feel because he has a thing or two he needs to take care. I want to be able to erase this things fully, without any “contempt”. I want to be able to really love these men because loving everybody in a Christ-way “but these ones” is just failing and as another local leader put it when I was a teen “I have not come here to fail”.

If anyone has a good scripture or a good experience to share, just feel welcome to type it in here.

Sweet Dady

On my mission I knew it was a time of “faith booster” and I wanted to use it to help me forgive my father. I worked hard for that. Then when I came back the more I tried to forgive him the more he’d hurt me or my sisters or my mother.

So I decided to set my forgiveness aside until better times when I could fully work on this subject.

They are many abuses I need to forgive him. One of them being a real sin. But the thing I need to forgive him right now without waiting for “better times” is how he treats my sisters who are his biological children.

My mother called me a few hours ago telling me not to scream when she would tell me what happened. Good thing that she did because I would have and I still want to. My youngest sister (going on 15) asked him for a favor and his reaction was to beat her and to tell her not to come back. Hope that this time she will understand that there is no point in trying to mend things because this is not a good behavior patern to catch on. She is not the one who should mend things up.

I am so angry that I just don’t know how to deal with it. I am angry at my sister, I am angry at the american student who talked about my sisters tendency to forgive my father anything as “the light of Christ” because this is no light of Christ. He never asked children to fix their parents.

I want to be able not to be angry anymore. This will go on as long as he stays alive and he is not old enough that I can hope to see the Earth cleaned of him anytime soon. So if I want this to stop I need to work on it myself. I wish someone had a piece of advice to spare. I am praying about it. It works. But not fast enough. I guess I need to learn to be patient with myself as well.

Weird dream

I woke up this morning because I really needed to go to the bathroom which is a shame because I was having the most interesting dream ever.

I was living in this kind of middle age play (yes it was something like a play but I was living in it, do not try to figure out it is just a dream) but of course since it was not real I still was able some basic comfort items such as…..my fish tank. Now…..wanting to gain some space I had decided to put two of my three guinea pigs in THE WATER with the fish.

Theeeeeeeen deciding that one of them was not really having that much fun (really?) I decided to dry out the fish tank (do not ask me what happened to the fish). But the problem is that if one of them was fine the other one was not so pleased because she had set up her mind on becoming an amphibia. Seriously. It is like I knew what she wanted and this is why she was upset. She was happy in the water because it was an opportunity to become an amphybia.

Anyway today is a beautiful day and for the first time in my life I am loving saturdays as prior to Sabbath day.

A few things to work on

Reading my two last posts I realize that I really have a lot to work on. Specially my teenage-like tendency to shock people. I mean I am able to do it in a very mature way you know. I am a lady after all.

But I get such a teenage-like kick out of it that I really think I should work on it.

Or shouldn’t I?

Anyway, tonight I thought about one specific local leader of the church when I was a teenager and I realized that I need to forgive him. I get extremly mad when I think about him because along being wrong in the way he dealt with my family (which makes him partly responsible for the fiasco although his responsability is really tiny I should say) he almost enjoyed hurting my mother and making my sweet adoptive dady feel like his was right to do and behave the way he was. I think if I’d come up to him and tell him that this man that he supported was a child abuser he would just not believe it.

He is an idiot and I need to forgive him because it is sad. It is just sad to be who he is no matter how much glory he gets in this life for being a “pionneer” of the church in my country.

I really need to forgive him more than I need to forgive either of my parents.

How about setting it as a goal before I get re-baptized?

It is funny how I can work on forgiving the big things a lot more easily than the little ones. I have let it take so much space in my life that it has in the end taken as much space as the abuse. This is also the direction in which I send my anger just because sometimes only being angry at my parents is too much. It is like I need to have another subject, like another shelf in which to put my little pot of anger. And although this man was wrong I would have never known he was had my parents been different. Or I should say: had they made different choices, more gospel oriented. So he is not the real responsible for my anger. He may have messed up really bad but there are very few leaders who have not. For example the wonderful bishop I had when I was excommunicated was seen as too rigid by some people.

What also makes me mad is that I have a clear memory of something when I was a teenager when he had a really contemptuous look when looking at me. This look is like a symbol of how I have felt about the local leaders of the church from then. It is stupid and I need to work on this also a lot more than I need to work on the delight I get out of shocking people. This is only a joke thing really. When my concern about this specific man is really something that may be a problem in the futur if I don’t solve it.

Anyone has an idea beside praying? I mean I will probably do this because I don’t know any better way but if you had some kind of insight it would be great…anyone here?

I am sooooooooo in trouble

These girls invited me to a church dance that will take place next month.

First I did not want to go because: I hate to dance, I have strictly no sense of rythm, these events are always like a cattle market where men will look for a good haffer to bread them a cute little calf or two (we’re not in Utah so two could be enough).

But I feel like seeing other faces and these girls really want to see me there and for once I feel like pleasing them.

So I’ll go.

But the more I think about it the more I am planning ways to “throw a stone in the pound”. I have always loved to disturb people. I love to see a “how shocking!” look and I really don’t want to have idiots seeing fresh meet swarming around me. I am highly counting on the church high percentage of single women to distract hunters away from me.

I want to take my camera to try to make a good pic or two but I know it is not going to be discret and it is goign to draw people’s attention.

So I am preparing a line or two and fully enjoying the fact that I am not a member again yet. I can picture a conversation starting and at one point the membership subject will come up (it always does with idiots) and I wonder if I will have the opportunity to tell that I have been excommunicated and why. I really want to see the face they will make when I say the magic word: SEXXX! And then with a very lascivious voice tell them something like “I am a naughty, naughty giiiiiiiiiirl”

I remember when I was a child (and it was the same latter) when my mother was a single mom how things went between male and female when they were single. How they looked for the perfect girl with a clean past and pleeeeeease not too many brain cells (so that there is no competition).

I know all men in the church are not like this. But I know how they are in my country. I grew up with them, I grew up with the youngest ones and I know the “converts” because I saw them behaving when I was younger with my mom and none of them qualify in my view as an eternal companion.

YET!

If one can laugh at my jokes (specially the provacative ones) I will definitely reconsider his position.

I am not afraid of getting married in the church anymore. It does not mean I want to sell out myself for less than what I am worth and as far as I know the male members of the church in my country, none of them can afford me.

I think that what bothers me the most is that very few go there just to have good and clean fun. They all go to get married which brings a very disgusting atmosphere.

WHY AM I GOING?

I think it is really because I want to test myself. I don’t what kind of test but I feel like it is one for me. And also because the girls were so cute and I did not feel like disapointing them and I need to stop refusing hands that people reach out to me just for the sake of refusing. If this kind of thing is really not for me what will come out of it will be clear enough and people will stop waisting their time on me in this field.