Almost done reading the NT

I must say that I enjoy the gospels a lot more than all the stuff about Paul.

I totally understand some of his reactions but so many things he says or the way he deals with events surprises me.

I am actually puzzled by the reasons why people chose to keep this rather than other writings. I like to listen to how people talk rather than what they say, what they don’t chose rather than what they do or when they remain silent. It tells a lot more about them. And I think that the fact that Paul’s writing were kept tells a lot about the spirit of those who made this choice.

Sometimes I can relate to his feeling or behavior although I don’t think it is the smartest (hey, I am not always brilliant) and sometimes I wonder if what he did or said was truly inspired. I mean I don’t doubt that he wanted the best and was sincere but I can totally see how the apostasy may have come from what he said and how he said things.

And no I don’t blame Paul for the Apostasy. Things are hard to figure out when you only can rely on your relationship with God. I have a hard time keeping my life on the right track I can’t imagine what it would be like to keep a new born church members in the fold and not let them run in the wilderness. He did a very impressive job but I can’t help but be hurt by his view on the position of women in society for example. No wonder we have such a hard time today.

I did it!

I prayed for it and tonight I did it.
I controlled my anger when talking to my mother managing to end the phone call before I lost it.
It is only a battle I know but it is one when there was none before and I do feel the Spirit.

Sliding through my fingers

My best friend has made a choice that I never thought she would make and to me it is the sadest one. It implies much love and dedication or whatever you can think from the man who shares her life.
Because of this choice I see her being nicer to him which makes me happy but I was hopping she would see what I was trying to explain to her when she turned to me for councelling.
Well she did see part of what I meant but I was not able to make her feel or sense the point of not making the choice she has made.
First it made me sad because I felt lonely. Not because she had not made the same choice as I have but because despite her brilliant brain she was not able to understand what I was telling her. Maybe I should have used words instead of leading her. At first it seemed like a good idea because it looked like she was understanding much more this way.
The reason why I feel lonely is because I know this choice will eventually lead to pain inside her couple despite how much they seem to have found a balance this way and I just can’t say anything.
I feel powerless.

I guess one could say that all that was expected from me was to try to help her and to always be here as a friend no matter what things will turn out to be in the future.

See, the problem is that if things turn out wrong (and I think that they will eventually) they don’t even have the atonement to understand and to help them out. I mean you know they do. It is just that they just can’t understand the idea of God or the need for it.
It is also part of their strength because they make sure their choice is the right one and if it is not you can be sure that they will do their best to fix it. But being so proud they make sure they don’t have to fix anything. They are a great example to me on how to get things done the right way. I love them so much. I just hope that I am wrong and that they’ll never hurt because of her choice.

I just hate when people that I love hurt. It is so much easier to deal with my own pain.

I guess this is interesting to think about: the ability to stand the pain you know your loved ones are going to be in without running away and be ready in case what you fear the most happens.
I guess this is one ability it takes to become like our Heavenly parents. I think I can work on this ability like they have but I wonder if I will ever be able to do it without crying for them? Do you eventually get such a broader vision that you don’t feel the pain?

I love this friend so much. She is not just my best friend I really rhink that she is the best friend I could dream of and I thought I was going to be able to give her something back for all the times she has done something. Well I have done my best but it seems that it was not enough and now I am waiting and getting ready for the day when she regrets this choice. And just for the record: I am not looking forward to this day.

On a happier note: I have found the same jewel as the one I have swallowed this summer. The one I loved so much because she had bought it for me with my piercing.
Hey! I feel really cool with it. My best friend’s boy friend said that it looks like I have something stabbed in my tongue…
…well it is the case you know.

We say that he is not cool like us. He has a tatoo and we got a piercing. We just don’t belong to the same club.

Oh and some of the students at the school just found out I have a piercing. They think I am cool. Nice. So I will have eventually been cool in High School…just 15 years too late!

Hard one

I just found out yesterday that exactly 5 years ago a dear friend of our family lost a son. You know, being in France and them being in Utah it is not always easy to keep in touch as we would like to but they mean to us still.

I found them on Facebook so I got in touch with them and I will call them tonight.

On the other hand it may have been better not to be in touch with them back then because my mother was really deep into her crisis which eventually lead her to be put in a mental hospital. Weird timing. I hope that 4 or 5 years ago was the best period of someone’s life because it is adding up and I don’t like it.

Anyway I also got in touch with their other son who is 5 years younger than me. I really enjoyed knowing him but it has been a long time since we talked so I hope that we can still be friends.

I know how we are taught/told about eternal families and stuff but I really have a hard time imagining what would be my reaction if such a thing would happen to me. Would I be able to hold on to the gospel? I know my reaction would be anger as a way not to fall into despair but who would I be angry against?

I hope they are not going to be too happy to talk to me because I am going to hate to bring them the news about my mother. How should I tell them things “you know all the stuff she told you about? Well it was only partly true” ? It kind of sucks but I really don’t know who to say it differently.
Gosh I hate bad news.

Who likes it?

It is very cloudy outside and I must say that this brings me even more down.

Come on! Let’s take a warm bath and focuse on my A├»kido class tonight! Yeah!

Why was I born in this family?

I know now something that I have been wondering for a long time.

See I am always the one not thinking like the others. Almost to the point that I often think the opposite of what poeple expect me to think in this or this situation. I don’t do it on prupose, I am aware of it and I enjoy it on purpose but my attitude is not about contractidicting others it is really the way I am.

Spending time with my grand-mother I was touched by the way I am just like her in this attitude. I know now it comes from her. I just CAN’T bent myself into thinking like the crowd.
God knows she has made so many mistakes and still do but this “talent” has enabled her to find joy in situations that would provide none to anyone else just like for me. And I think that if it had not been for this ability to find something good in what people expect to be a catastrophy or to to think differently I would have made much more mistakes and maybe been dead even by now.

I also understand and feel how much our Heavenly Father loves her. She is half senile and half crazy but in the moment of lucidity she is able to draw closer to God than a lot of people I have met and I could relate so many time to what she would say (when I did not feel like beating her up).
I know, I just know without the Spirit bearing any testimony because I see it with my eyes, with the little spiritual sight I have that only for this, only because she has found the path to God, the path that enables her to be close to Him and understand Him He is trying to bless her with whatever she needs and want. And I know that when she is on the other side it will take a while before she understands the gospel (because let’s be blunt she is not the sharpest tool in the shed) but when she understands it she will accept it and it will really be easy for her.
She is to me an example of how no matter how old you are you can always work your way to our Heavenly Father. It may not be as easy when you are 75 as when you are 25 but it is always possible and this is really only what is asked of us. That’s all. It is so simple.
Because once we are close to Him then everything is easy, we just want to do it. It is by being close to Him that the desire to obey comes.


I don’t know where to start.
Baalbeck was almost impossible to reach for me and I considered myself lucky to have been able to get to Lebanon.

But I was able on my last day to go to Baalbeck.

This is a gorgeous place that I want to go back to and if I should ever get a chance to go back I need to make sure it is during the summer.

Baalbeck (you can really write it the way you want since it is not a western name) is a pilgrimage city. Or I shoudl say it was a pilgrimage city for pagan comparable to Jerusalem for Christians.
It is huge. Many countries have tried to restore it but it owuld take an internationale effort and even then I doubt it would be enough considering we have so many wars to put our money in….Hope you feel my sarcastic tone here.

Baal was a pagan god as you already know if you have read the bible just a little bit and Beck comes from the plane of Beqa which is an immense croping area where they still grow wheat in any direction you look to.

When the Roman Empire took over Europe and more they turned this place into a temple dedicated to Jupiter, Venus and…Bachus.

Then the christians took over and turned it into a church and turned the close by temple to Venus into a church that they called St-Barbara.

then the muslims took over and tuned it into a fortress with a tiny mosque for the militaries stationned there and you can see traces of all these civilizations.

I felt tiny in many ways.

I feel so powerfull and in control of my own life but then I looked at these stones I really got a sense of “ephemere”?
These stones are still here and my time on Earth is going to be less than the time they have been here.
I can understand how some need to leave a trace and develope an ambition hunger.

This is food for thought.