The world I love/ I love the world

I am a couchsurfer.

I can also be a couchpotatoe but this is another subject.

If you care about it then you can google it if not just read these past days experience.

This guy from Canada sent me this email that I did not see in time to request a couch. I was sorry that I missed his email because he had already found a couch somewhere else. We met on Monday and it was great. So we decided that he would surf my place for as long as I could stand him (we then figured out he needed to be gone by Thursday cause he had other people to visit). We talked, we shared. This experience was a real couchsurfing experience, one that gives me hope and strengthen my faith.

At the end of last year I went to Paris and I was hosted by someone who used to be a friend of my mother. She was also a member but got a testimony that she should get her butt out of this cult as fast as possible. I went to her church and the preacher said the smartest thing I have ever heard about the second coming. He referred to the scriptures to point out that Christ can’t be coming in a time of war and pain. The scriptures say that there is FIRST this time of destruction and then a time of peace. It is only after this time of peace that Christ will come. This is the smartest thing I have ever heard as far as “prediction” (cuckoo) goes and it fits with everything the church teaches and what I have always felt and….couchsurfing.

In the scriptures we are told and taught that Christ will come like a robber in the night. This means that we will come at the time when we expect him the least. When can we expect Him the least but when we seem not to need His peace anymore? When all has been accomplished and He has not shown up?

Very early in life I have felt that if we had been able to disappoint God so badly that He was ready to destroy us once for good, then we surely have the potential to surprise Him in the good way. I have always felt that this would be the most wonderful surprise we could get Him if there is a divine Fathers’ day. I never worded it out loud cause I knew I’d be called “funny” and “original” once again and this is a very dear subject to me. We can surprise Him. We have this potential. We just don’t have the will.

And all of a sudden the pieces come together into place to reveal a portion of the big picture. I have the firm conviction that the reason why are taught and asked to be peacemakers as followers of Christ is to hasten His coming. That Neither Jesus nor the angels know the time because the time depends of our own progression toward universal peace. The power of decision is ours, this is about our progression, and I am so glad I get a chance to practice peacemaking through couchsurfing.

We can’t blame God for not sending Christ back because He won’t send Him back before we have enough progressed that we can work together. And when we can the logical answer most people can have could be : “why do we need a Christ? How could there be a Christ since we have already overcome war and contention by ourselves?” thus explaining how so many won’t be able to recognize Him. Another answer could also be something like “We are christ ourselves. We have saved ourselves”. This will be a very sad reaction for they will pass by what the efforts of humanity will have made them deserve: Christ.

Thus there is no “prediction” or math to do about the second coming of Christ full point.

Change of mood

Last week I wrote about Natacha.

I saw her yesterday at a stake primary activity. I went there because it was taking place in a park which means much “green” which means great opportunity for IR picture (the pics I have posted lately are IR pics that I took). I wanted so much to be with her that it was violent. I was very confused by this feeling. Fortunately I HAD to take pics so I was away from the group for about half an hour or maybe a full hour. I don’t know. Time flies when I take pics.

Anyway when I came back to the group she came to me. I would not have come to her cause I was really scared that my “despair” would show. She came to me for another photography lesson and since I had a spare camera I was able to lend to her something to practice what I had taught her.

I came back home FREAKING late and I was miserable today at church (and still actually).

I realized where the violence of the emotion I feel when I see her comes from and why I am happy and in a good mood which is NOT normale when I am tired. AND NO I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HER! Which sounds like it when reading what I wrote.

The thing is that she gives me something that I did not realize I needed:


I am realizing right now as I am typing this that I have faith but I just don’t have hope.

I fall into my old trap again: I trust and believe very hard anything as long as it is not for me. Like I trust anything good can happened to anyone. I will pray hard and put all my faith into fasting for someone else but I just can’t put as much strength when it is FOR ME. I realize that this the most difficult lesson I have to learn in this life no matter what miracle God brings in it: this kind of hope that makes things happen for real. I thought I had learned it but nope. I wonder if I will ever. I see now what I need. I don’t need what she has (a wonderful husband, a beautiful house in a  gorgeous environment, three healthy kids) but what she brings me and I suspect her to bring it to a lot of people because I know she is loved in the stake.

I realize that what people “hit” like a wall when they meet me is not the fact that I am hard but the fact that I just don’t have “hope”. And how are “hope” and “faith” so similar that they can pretty much been used as synonyms? Well they are destroyed by the same thing: fear.

It is official


“H” came yesterday.
I took him to a picnic by a lake outside the city.

He kissed me.

And the funny part is that when he did we heard a choir practicing far away.

If this is a joke from HF it is actually funny.

We talked a lot.

I feel bad for “A” because he is the kind of person who is really willing to mend things up when possible and he tried for years.
One of the thing he told me is that about ten years ago she had a miscariage and they never talked about it.
My heart broke when he told me this. And he did not say anything but it came in a discussion about losing a child and how it is the most horrible thing and I could tell he was upset that it was called only a “miscarriage” when it obviously meant more to him.

Anyway he is really willing to obey the law of chastity for me.
Can I say how much of a hard time I have to sleep these nights?

team work

I just said my prayer.

I have two dates this week so it was a short prayer and it was like this:
Listen, I seduce them and you knock out the good one. This way we can bring him to the gospel.

Yes, our Heavenly Father and I can be…evil?

I forgot. I should have told Him that I also need Him to carry the guy to church because He is the strongest.

God’s pet

when I was in the MTc I wrote a sign door that said “God’s pets”. I meant to be funny but now I really believe it.

I feel that I am one of his favorite daughters and probably His favorite ones around here.

It is not because I am the most faithfull nd the ones who follows the commandments the best. I am not even always trying as hard as I should although I try to keep my efforts high. Just that soemtimes it is not as high as it should be. Anyway I am not writing to tell how bad I am because I am not better or worse than anyone else.

Then how can He love me more than He loves you?

Because I have a better idea than you do of how much He loves me.
Because I know how low He can bring Himself when He is still God and because He has beaten me up before to make me know who I am really and who I am is above anyone or anything anyone can be down here. He has put in so much efforts and love in making me. I know it.

Hopefully you feel irritated by the fact that I brag about this truth concerning God’s love.

The real difference between me and most of people is that I am aware of who I am which makes me more accountable for my actions and thoughts and behavior.

It is not so much the fact that He loves me more than He loves you that I tried to tell you.
It is the fact that I know from first hand experience who I am and I wish you’d know it too.

We are told everywhere that we are children of God but most of the time those words feel like a hope more than a truth. It is good and warm and comforting. Sometimes it makes us feel presured.

But if you knew trully what it means to be a Divine Princess you would feel the power you have been endowed with which can be way above your short comings if you will.

Oh don’t worry, I fall in the trap of indulging myself too… everyday? But once in a while I like to exercice my power that has nothing to envy to the priesthood that men have been given.
And I whish you could feel it and know it too.

A little more

I don’t love vacations because I then don’t work but because it gives me the piece of mind I need to think and ponder upon spiritual matter.
I am grateffull for my relationship with my Heavenly Father but I wonder about my relationship with our Heavenly Mother. See how I can’t say “my”?
I have been thinking about our prayers and how we start them with “dear Heavenly father” or anything else of the kind refering to God. And I can imagine their email address being full of it and her sayong “never any mail for me!”
Of course you know I am kidding.
I have been wanting to know more about Her and since we don’t have any strong knowledge on the subject I figured out I got to do it on my own. Yet something has been disturbing me lately.
I spent New Year’s Eve with my RS president and a few other guests she had over. The conclusion to this was that my new year resolution is to spend the next one and the folllowings with my best friend and her guests no matter how drunk they may get.
I just had the feeling that not only did I not belong to their club (not wanted to) but also that their club was the “higher” one. In this club women talk about kids (and only kids) men ralk about their job and the common subject they may talk about is the building of their house.
Can you see me throwing up?
Hopefully you already know me well enough to understand and know why I have such a reaction.
Oh yeah, and the best part was that I almost did not talk because I had nothing to say on the subjects and nobody was really interested in what I had to say. Sorry, I like to talk about politics, geo-politics, arts, economy. Yeah I know, waaaaaaaaaay two complicated for some.
I am getting upset again and I could go on forever and again it would be hard to understand how it is relevant when talking about our HM.
Well I wonder if she was like my RS and her friends or of she was like me. Then I understand the purpose for polygamy. We don’t even know FOR SURE that it will apply up there. It is our “understanding” that tells us that it is the way it goes up there. I am not saying that it does not. I am just saying that unless we have been on the other side and back nd specifically investigate this field we can’t tell it is one way or another.
Anyway, if my HM is the way our RS is I wish HF has other wives so I can relate to them and feel closer to them.
I think the way I picture our HM is like Bree in Desperate House Wives. Of course a perfect Bree…which is even worse. For me the perfect wife is a Linette with a little Susan on the edge.
Anyway I am curious about her. Like a child curiosity not a spiritual one. So I think I should make this curiosity deeper because I believe I can grow from this understanding and maybe find some answers and some of the peace I am looking for.

tomorrow Beyrut

Tomorrow I will be on the plane for a week that I have been dreaming for during the past 27 years or so.
How cool is that?

I am going to takle tones of picture. I have bought an extra memory card for my camera and I am just excited when I think of all the pictures I am probably going to take.

Last year at about the same time I was getting ready to back to the US for a short trip and the situation was very different. the feeling about this trip was also very different. I love the fact that I have been far West and I am going far East within a year. This is a the kind of life I wish I could spend my years on. Just going anywhere, meeting people. talking to people, hearing what they have to say about life, how they see it in their corner of the world. I just love it.

I just love us

I watched yesterday one of my favorite episode of BSG with my sister “No exit”. Before I get to what and why I love it I want to say how tired I am of the lack of general culture of my fellow citizens. It never occured to them that “no exit” in English was the translation for “huis clos” by Jean Paul Sartre so they translated it a different way. Why do they have a real job and I don’t?


In this episode a creature talks with his creator. The creature is full of anger, jealousy, bitterness, has a sadistic personnality and so on.
Of course the creature tell its creator that the human genocide is all because of the flaws that the creator decided to make him with.
The creator answers back with free will and creativity.
What I loved best was when the creature had really good points to which the creator would answer with a “I am so sorry for you” kind of look because the whole purpose of the creature, everything that it did was to prove its creator wrong when it could have magnify what it was. The creator gave him the potential to destroy humanity, hence the potential to do the opposite too.
I just love it.

Of course what the creature said was a direct reference to Blade Runner but I like hos they kept the poetic aspect of it to make it something much interesting to ponder about.