I feel emptied. Not emptY. I feel I have been emptied and it is weird to feel so light and so lonely in the mean time. I know this feeling won’t last.
I need to be more specific about feeling “lonely”. I have wondered if I should use the word “alone” but “lonely” is more appropriate even if it is actually something good.
This week my youngest sister asked me a a question that I did not think I was going to reflect on today. She asked me if I ever feel “lonely” to which I answered “no” and I explained to her how it is good to learn to love to be alone once in a while and blah blah blah. A short and nice little sermon to tell her that when she become more mature she will learn that it is better to be alone than to be in bad company. Of course this is not what I told her. I am smarter than that. I just said things in a way that will eventually maybe someday lead her to this conclusion.
But after these past two days I realize that more than never “alone” I never feel “lonely” because I realize that I am always in bad company.
I spent the past two days with my nursery girl-friend and her family:
I was able to tell many things that I have written here and some that I haven’t written here (yet?). As I have previously said she is probably the only person on Earth who can understand what I write here.
When I came back yesterday I felt exhausted and I could tell it had been highly because it was emotionally rough but it is only this morning that I felt how much I needed it.
When I woke up this morning I felt I had been emptied like something had been sucked out of me and maybe for the first time in my life it felt like all the noise it my head was gone. I felt silence.
It is the best way I can describe it. Like if all sudden all the noise of the world had stopped and it did not scare me because what I am talking about is the noise of my world and I realized that they are cries and screams and bangs and explosions and more all the time. Not just when I wake up till I go to bed, even at night. I knew I don’t remember my dreams most of the time because those screams become louder but today I have felt for a few hours the difference.
I realize this is highly why I like to be alone better. The row is so loud in my head and in my heart that I have a hard time bearing anyone’s presence because it mainly adds to it or worse very often it echoes to it. The last possibility is close to unbearable.
Anyway during a few hours this morning it felt like all had been sucked out of my world which is what drives every breath out of my lungs. This has been so much out of my dreams that although I have been longing for this I did not even have words or an image to tell exactly what I needed. Here on this blog someone has told me a few years ago about forgiving the problem is that forgiving is both out of subject and out of place in my case. If it were about forgiveness it would be easy and it will be easy when the noises stop. I mean forgiveness is absolutely part of the solution in this way that it is the key that will lock my demons out of my world. During a few hours loving and understanding my mother was a piece of cake. But before I can forgive her I need silence or at least less racket.
During those two days I felt my protective wall crackling and even tumbling down in some places without a need for rebuilt at that time. I felt secured. I did not feel like I was taught by the Spirit anything important but I felt like I was shown that something else is possible. Just to feel and know that it is possible even if takes me all my strength is enough of a hope. I don’t care how bad it hurts or how much energy it takes as long as it is possible. And it could even happen in this life which would be really sweet.
During those two days I told myself that I knew I am loved.
Then as soon as I realized the state I was in that I could associate with peace I knew the adversary would soon remind me of the noise and I felt it slowly coming back. Nevertheless I am writing down those words so as to remember for myself when I feel low of the experience I had and what and why I know it is possible.
but what I am experiencing just brings me sadness and disgust.
I lost 8 kg since mid January. the first 5 kg were lost actually within a month. My figure has changed and I have noticed that the kind of people I wanted to get acquainted with eventually have noticed me. Not because I am thinner (they don’t care) but because I am a runner now. I like it. I like it a lot.
The terrible part though is that some people’s attitude has changed too. I am the same person, I say the same things and I am hurt by the same things but NOW they pay attention to what I say, what I do and they care for my feelings.
I am the same person but they are changing. I should like it but I don’t. I have taken on running for myself, for my own health benefit. I never thought that what they cared about when I opened my mouth was how much I weighted.
I went to an extra aïkido training over the past two days. I have been doing this for three years now and it is the first time I hurt so much. Specially my legs hurt. As usually I felt dumb and inadequate and this year was even worse as I slept only 3 hours during the night between Friday and Saturday. Then I ran early in the morning to go to this training which included much Iaïdo. Basically I went home and almost cried out of being tired and hurting. I had tears in my eyes at least twice on the tatami.
So today was RS free and I went to sacrament meeting. There I had the greatest surprise to find Natacha my nursery girl friend and the stake president’s wife. We had a great time chating after church and it was just what I needed.
I told her that I went to see this therapist who happens to be LDS and I explained to her that I chose not to tell her that I am LDS at first. what she told me helped me a lot to understand that this therapist will understand that I did not tell her right away about our “connections”.
Her story is roughly this: her father died when she was very young. Her mother did not have a job or any kind of education but she was enough blessed that she found a position as a janitor in an apartment building which in these times in France meant free housing and a paycheck. As low as the money may have been they were safe.
I guess her mother was extremely busy because it seems that she is an amazing woman nevertheless her oldest daughter had to take care care of her younger siblings.
Once they were off on their own she started living her own life. Went to university where she studied psychology and is now a very respected therapist. She has her own practice also works in a hospital as well as at the university (we’re talking about a major city here, not some kind of little university) where she gives lectures or classes (I don’t really know). Anyway her opinion is very much respected.
Yet from what I have been told about how she is I understand that she would absolutely NOT be recommended by the LDS social services from what I understand. For example, if she is too tired to come to church well she’ll try to come to church but not beyond what she feels she can do/take. She is also very “unpleased” with many things she sees or hears in the church and the stake president knows her very well. He sent me to her anyway.
What I am trying to tell her through much unimportant things is that if there is ONE thing that I have learned from my excommunication is that I am not supposed to do it all on my own because no matter how strong I am (and God made me very strong) I’ll never be stronger than with the proper help when I need it. And if this help should fail for one reason or another then God will send His angels or His power or however you like to call it to help me.
I have been in a state of anger for the past….7 months maybe? The same kind of anger that initially lead me to excommunication. The difference is that now I can identify it, I can identify God’s love, I can see that this anger is not the end, just a phase I am going through which will bring me eventually more joy and more knowledge which is what I am the more after. Or maybe I ought to say that the both are connected. I was so hungry for what I am experiencing now before I was excommunicated but I was never taught how to feel it. I mean I knew where I was, what state of mind I was in and I knew what I needed to help me go through but I did not know the path.
Now this is the time when I was supposed to tell that the path is christ or the atonement or anything of the kind but these has been used so often that it sounds void of meaning. They are just words. The atonement is the path but what it leads to is not to God’s love because His love is everywhere, it is there for us no matter who we are. It is a path for us to know we are loved. It is like being in a dark room with no door or window or light of any kind and we get lost and start crying for food and water when it is actually in abundance everywhere. The atonement is not the food or the water, it is someone turning on the light.
I typed this in the middle of the night. Although it does tell how I feel I get more from this last post myself than I think I shared with you. I could be wrong. Time will tell.
Anyway I still feel so angry that I am under the impression that it is what is killing my sleep these past week. Yet I often “hear” something like “it is ok little one”. It is hard for me to describe but I feel loved and encouraged as much as I feel angry.
See? This is exactly what I was longing to feel before I was excommunicated, this is how and why I hold on no matter how fair I think my anger is. This is exactly what I have not been taught to hear. If I had children I would make sure they would learn to hear it.
It feels like I am pulling or pushing something that I feel is beyond my strength but this encouragement I feel is like a testimony of trust that I can do it.
I have been thinking about this blog and the fact that I need to write here to tell where I am.
I am in a place of anger.
The end of last year was rough emotionally but I decided to keep it just under the surface instead of burying as usually and pretend this is nothing and I am fine. the reason why I did this was because I knew I was going to see a therapist to help me deal with…with what?
Oh with my whole life I guess.
We don’t have “church” therapist in France. We just have a few therapist that happen to be LDS. I was highly encouraged by several people I respect to go and talk to this one and I did. She does not know for now that I am LDS. she may get a hint of she sees my work as a photographer for I have taken a picture of the wife of our stake president of whom I have talked before since she was my nursery friend when we were two years old. My little sister thinks it is cool that we were friends back in those days. Yes, everybody love her in the stake probably even more than they love the stake president.
She asked me why I wanted to talk to her so I told her that she had been greatly recommended to me by some of my friends. She then asked me who and I said that for now I did not want to talk about it. I was surprised at the way she brushed it away as if it were really not important. I liked it a lot.
I did not want to tell her right away that I am LDS because I wanted to hear what she has to say if “I am not LDS”. It worked perfectly, she asked me a question I know she would not have asked me if she had thought I am LDS. After talking to her I felt partly dirty, partly low, partly I don’t know but it was negative and I did not feel like going back but 48 hours after I felt better and now I am eager to meet with her gaain. I think that I partly feel so bad because I told someone who does not me or my full story yet how much I hate my mother. I think this hate is very recent and very logical. I have hold on so long on the hope that I was capable of changing something that would improve our relationship and her life. I found out last year that it is out of my reach and actually was never within my reach and I feel angry. Maybe this anger and hate is actually the last thread that holds me in this relationship and I just can’t let go. But she is my mother and the only and last piece of family I once almost had. It feels like she is probably the reason why I can’t project myself in a family situation and therefore work toward having a family on my own. I guess if I were to let go of something I can’t really identify my whole life would be easier and happier.
Anyway, here I am agin at a point of my life that I don’t like and that is getting old for going back to this point so often but the good thing and good news is that I have enough experience now to know that it has nothing to do with God’s responsibility. The past days I have actually remembered a strange feeling I have had when I came back to the gospel. What I have to tell about why I came back always unsettle members even the most open minded ones so I’ll keep it for myself a little longer I guess and share only with you this: at one point I had a feeling of wonder because it felt like I caught a glimpse of the perfection of this plan I am a part of. I remember loving it and feeling: it is perfect. The sad thing with the word “perfect” is that it is both incorrect and a little wrong on the edges.
The word “perfect” means “finished”. If something needs to be added or if you can add something to an initial subject then the subject is in its essence imperfect. I have caught a glimpse of a glimpse of how beyond perfection this plan is. I am saying that it is beyond perfection because the plan does not need this word to be qualified.
This plan is.
Using a word like “perfect” helps us as mortals to reach intellectually the plan but it is almost mocking it to use this word. I mean it would be mocking it if it were about looking down at it or disregarding it but since it is about helping us understand it is ok to use this word. Yet I feel uncomfortable with the use of this word because I am sadden by the shortcomings of human languages.
With this knowledge I know how important it is for me to overcome this feeling of mine I have toward my mother but it is the biggest task I have had in my whole life I think and I don’t know how I can do it all in this life. Yet I know that I can’t progress in this life in any field of my life without overcoming this.
I so don’t want a daughter. I so don’t want her to have to go through this kind of feelings and trial too because at this point of my life I can’t picture having a daughter and failing where my mother and her mother and her mother have failed.
Well I am going to be 36 so my wish is on its way to be fulfilled 😛