My stake president

Nope, he has not called me again.
Nope, I am not going to say anything that is realy like what I have said before other than “he needs help”. But this is not a big deal since we all do at one point in some subjects.

I think I almost made it.

I think I can almost great him by a “good day” (the translation of “bonjour”) and actually mean it. I like it. I like it a lot. Now I know I can do it if I really turn to the right source of strength for help. It is the first time I have cared enough about this issue to really do something to change how I feel. Now this was an easy one because what I have against him, although being serious pain, has nothing to do with the commandments. It is not like he killed a loved one for example. It is something that can be fixed.
I like to feel more at peace about him. I know he is going to listen to me when I talk to him about my pain. I am sure he won’t understand it. Sorry…he does need help. But I think he will understand that he has to listen to me. Hopefully he will remember it and understand someday.
The thing is that I am pretty blunt and I hate to beat around the bush using “nice terms” so I hope that he will humor me.
I don’t know why but I start feeling confident about the fact that he will. And I like to feel this way. It is a change from how I have felt for the past ten years almost.

I don’t mean that I have been full of hatred and anger before. It is not how I work. But I have always been able to tame my feelings from an intelectual point of view. It was all good for me since it worked well enough to enable me to eventually feel the love I needed for the one who had hurt me. But as I said it was a matter of taming my emotions, mastering my feelings by being stronger than them. It is good. It is an excellent start but it is not a change of heart. And this last thing is what I want to feel. No matter how long it takes and no matter how much effort I must put in it. I want to be able to feel this little change of heart (I mean completly, not “almost” like what I am feeling right now) so I know I can make it and work on bigger goals.

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I think it is time now

I have read some very interesting things lately about the “first vision”, Joseph Smith’s account of it and BoM matters.

It was very enlightning and a few years ago I would have said it was very exciting. I love to learn and to know and to understand. Any learning subject is a thrill to me specially when my religion meets “logical” reasonning.

I only have one tiny issue about it which spoils my fun. Where is their testimony? Are they bothered by it? Is it because they don’t have any in the subject they are discussing? I am not saying that discussing the first vision should be a taboo. I have none and I don’t intend to have one in any field. I just think that we can all have our version of what “scientifically” happened and it won’t change the face of the world. What will change it is our testimony and what we do with it.

So just for the record I want to share here my testimony about the first vision.

When I was on my mission our mission president wanted us to give a presentation to members. It was a powerfull tool that I feel was inpired to help members to share the gospel with their friends. I have a few funny stories about how members reacted. It was scary because if done according exactly how we had been instructed it totally forced the spirit (if it is possible) in homes and members just could not resist. Yet we had to do a good follow up after and I am sorry to say that we did not always did so.

Anyway, in the presentation one of us had to say by heart the first vision.

We were at a sister’s place and things were going smoothly. She was paying attention and did not look like she was bothered by these two sisters who were obvioulsy going to make her do something tough.

I started: ” When the light rested upon me…” And I just could not go further. I had been feeling “weird” for the past minutes and as I said these words I knew it was true. I could not say a word and I just cried. I tried hard to go on but the more I tried the strongest the feeling was. I apologized to the sister because obviously, not being me, she could not understand what was going on. She softly said that it was ok. I think she understood what was happening to me.

I am sorry to tell those who spent time trying to prove that it is wrong and that he lied that I know for myself it is true. I had the strongest feeling that I had been there and that I had witnessed him. I know this part is not true, though. Don’t worry. I am not going to go off with my own little mormon cult. It is just that I know and that there is nothing else I can say on the matter. I don’t know why God wanted me to feel so powerfully this testimony that I have the feeling that I have been there. I don’t know why there are slightly different accounts of it (although I have my own theory about it). But I know this is true and I wish everybody could know that God can appeare to a teenager who sincerly turns to him, that it happened and that it can happen again if God thinks it is necessary because the full gospel has been restored.

We can discuss forever of the mean our Heavenly Father used for this to happen but it won’t change much to the fact that:

1) we won’t know for sure how He did it

2) it happened anyway

3) I know this is true: God and Jesus appeared to a teen who was later called to translate the Book of Mormon. No matter what we try to analyze with our little means and knowledge it happened still.

Anyway, no matter what I have been through, what I have thought and what I have done. I never doubted that this experience I have been through was a gift from our Heavenly Father to testify to me that something wonderfull had been brought to humanity. I hope that if you don’t understand what I am talking about you will ask directly to the source for a personnal knowledge of it.

One thing…

…about my stake president. I won’t change what I think about him but I am definitely changing how I feel about him. One thing he said last saturday that touched me was about the fact that I did not have to have the whole ward there when I get re-baptized. It is not just the fact that I have an issue about it, it is the fact that he understood how I may feel about it.
I still want to pray to change what is wrong in how I feel about the ward being there or not so I’ll make a decision out of my free will and not out of fear or whatever negative feeling I could have.

Last sunday

I came to realize how much I need sundays.

Week ends are the time for me to relaxe from the tensions of the week. One of the thing I enjoy is to waste my time or things that matter or not but that are definitely centered on my pleasure. I can totally take time out of my sleeping time (which I badly need) because I know that I will only have to gather my strength for church time and then, since I have no other responsibility, I can sleep as much as I need. Great life style. Love to be single.

But this week end, since my mother and my sisters were there and since I had been invited to this thing in the aftrnoon, I just could not do it. So I kind of “functionned” but only kind of. I did not really and missed church. I was there but I missed it. And I miss it now.
I need it. I want to go back and catch on what I missed.
But I can’t. I understand this is one of the sweetest change that tells me that I have made it.

“Before” there came a time when going to church was a pain but I did it because it was a “commandment”. I would gather all my strength on the six days of the week to go to church on the seventh and leave church exhausted after it. I had good reasons to be exhausted. Nobody in her right mind would have gone through what I have been through.
But here is the thing: since it is not right to suffer that much then there is only one soltuion and this is to stop it. They are two ways to stop it. Either to leave the church or to find a way up.

I did not want to leave the church but I could not find a way up. I just did not think it was possible because I already knew everything there was to know. Does it sound proud to you? Well, sorry to say it was true. I knew everything there was to know. I knew it back then and I can still say it. I knew that there was something higher, though. It is like being traped in a wonderfull appartement. I knew the appartement by heart. I knew anything you can imagine there would be to know about it. From feng shui design to chemical components of everything in it. But I knew there was a world outside. And I knew there was also a roof. And I wanted to know both. But I just could not find my way out, the door!
I have been “outside” and now I can be on the roof if I want. I like it. The view is really nice. It is peacefull. But last sunday was like I wasted my time on the roof. There were things to see, things to learn and instead of doing something meaningful I slept.
At leats I have learned something: sunday is really the best day of the week.

Test

Yesterday was the most testing day since I commited to come back to the church.
First I was really tired so I was not able to enjoy what was said at church. My sisters told me that they loved what was said and since I often aggree with my sisters I am really sad I missed out on it.
Then in the afternoon I spent time at someone I really love’s place. She had invited several single sisters (including her ;o) from almost 15 (my little sister) to 78 and it was a great idea. I would have had a great time if I had not heard horrible things, offending things, disrespectful things, terrible things under the cover of their personal gospel that they tried to sell as THE gospel. I am saying this without judging them because I understand that this is their understanding of it. But I felt sad and angry. I came close to say something very hurtful and then it would have been even worse. LOL
Let me explain why.
We were discussing the idea of repentance. One person felt it was her duty to give her version of the gospel about it. The only thing she was able to talk about was pain. And all that she was able to preach was that if you don’t suffer when you repent then it is not a true acceptable repentance.

EXCUSE ME?

I felt like telling her that I knew what she was hiding and listening to her I understood better why she was not repenting.
It would have been a good line but the worst thing to say ever! I knew it so I kept my mouth shut. But having to listen to her for many hours during this day eventually made me physically sick because I had to hold back so many things and I control myself so strongly that I got really sick.
So the lesson to learn is to step back when I know I know better, when I am deeply offended or whatever. I need to do it because there is no way I can change their way to be and it is not the purpose of my coming here anyway. And since I cannot do anything about I need to stop making myself sick because this is just spoiling the fun I could have.

And no. Repentance is not painful. Repentance is the bandage you put on a blister. It is the arms of your father stretched out to you when you have run and fallen on the ground. It is the plugs you put in your ears when their is too much noise in a place that you cannot avoid. It is the soft voice of a loved one who tells you to come home when you’re not feeling good. Repentance is to aknowledge how little you are and how you messed up. It is understanding that it is ok to mess up. Repentance is a relief from the burden of making everything right, everything perfect, repentance is the only mean by which we can learn and this is why we came here. We did not come here to suffer. We came here to learn. If it must go through pain then let it be. But it is not the rule. It was never intended to be. It is sometimes unavoidable but it is not the plan at first.
Only Satan wants us to suffer. Only him wants us to be affraid of the pain and therefore do everything it takes to avoid it. Either by not repenting or by putting ourself under so much pressure that it becomes unbearable. This is one of the best way to destroy our soul because we do it to ourself and we totally miss the point: the price has been paid. It is ok to mess up as long as we learn from it and don’t make the same mistake again.

You must wonder why it was such a testing day for me. Well it is because I had to avoid reacting like I have most of my life. See, the law of chastity has never been an issue. THIS IS!

SHOCK

Everything is fine.
I am going to be re-intregrated in the church. There is not problem. There is nothing wrong.

Now that I have stated a few things I need to write about the conversation I had with my stake president. First I must say that the more I talk with him the less I have hard feelings against him and the more I think that he is a good stupid man. I am not saying this is a contemptuous way. I cannot, I am the one who messed up. I am saying this more in a way like “brother X has a hard time with tithing, sister X has a hard time with not gossiping”. Well my stake president has a hard time with his tongue and the fact that he should keep things for himself sometimes. Now that I have said it, now that I have really gone out of the path I wanted to follow let’s randomly go back to the subject of my post.

I need to overcome the shock state I am in.
My re-integration is taking longer. The way he brought it just made me feel horrible. I felt crushed, rejected, punished for…for what? The way he started it forced me to call on all my desire to come back to listen to it with an open heart.
Then what he said was a reliefe in one way and like a block falling on my head in another.
It is only that my file “got lost”. They have no trace of it at SLC. From an administrative point of view I have not been excommunicated. God and I (along with everybody else) know that I have been. SLC has not been told. My file got lost between where I live and the stake. I am so glad that we are only 50km appart! Dang!
The stake president told me that he does not even have it in his office. It almost made me laugh.
But in the mean time I felt like the cards I have been playing with have been taken from my hand and re-dealt. It is fine. I can still win. It is just that I have to re-think a few things. I know you are going to think that this is not important at all and you are perfectly right. A 100% right. But I have to come to the fact that it is not important. The important thing is the end not the way. It does not matter if there is a lily on your way or a daisy, what could matter (not even sure it should) would be whether there is a flower or not. Do you know what I mean?
Temporal administration even the church’s adminitration IS NOT IMPORTANT. But it mattered to me. It was a part of the path I wanted to take and I needed everything to be this way. Now I have to get over this need and it is not impossible, it is just that I have this effort to make. It was more a psychological and emotional need than a spiritual need. The spiritual need was my time OUT of the church to stripe my life from what was wrong and to straighten a few things.

I am not sure I am clear about what is so disturbing to me, I have gone through to many things lately I can’t seem to organize it in a way that I can express it. And this is happening too. It is not wrong, it is just that I have to deal with it and it feels like confusing emotions.

I wish my stake president had not told me with so much details what is going on. Saying that they could not find my file was enough information. I really did not need more. I really need to explain this to him because I feel strongly that he needs to know it. It is not that I want to tell him how things are, I don’t want to “teach” him anything. I think he really needs to know that he is often giving too much information that are not good. Yeah, well you need to know that I have “heard” of him from other people. The more I think about it, the more I type about it, the more I feel it is right.

Now I must find the opportunity to do so.

I start hating words. They just don’t say what I want to say. I don’t feel it is my place, my right, my job to teach my stake president about anything. I just feel I must tell him about this.

Who is the happiest girl in the world?

ALL RIGHT!

My stake president eventually aknowleged my existence!

Who got a phone call from him this morning? And who missed it and was pissed because she had not felt her cell phone nor heard it when he actually called just one minute after she had checked it to know what time it was (she was on her way to work and her cell phone was in her pocket)? Who bought extra credit to contact him? Who sent him a text message so he knows that she wants to meet him? who is trying…no….who is succeeding in not getting offended by something innocent he said and that she first totally twisted? Who is succeeding in her efforts about him? Who is eventually glad that she gets to meet him not because she will get re-baptized but because this will be the time or never to forgive him for being so stupid? Who is trying her best to get ready for this interview?

Who?

Who?

That would be me I guess.

And just for the record: he called me today when I know that my bishop called him last sunday to check with him when we could meet. Yes…there is really nothing evil about him. Just a dangerous lack of awarness.