Some can run…

…but they don’t run faster.
They just run differently.

I can run too and I actually can improve too so I am NOT different from this man.

This is how I described how ridiculous it feels to me when I get the politically correct reaction that “we are all smart in very different ways”.

Er…yes, it is true I have met very humbling people with a lower IQ. I would never dare to set myself above them. But when it comes to try to make people understand what it is like to have my brain the best I can do is to use this allegory of a running champion who would be told “you don’t run really fast, you only run differently”.

Now the very sad thing about us is that we NEED to use our brain but it is not allowed for fear we would make others feel less. What we’d really like would be to solve some of the greatest problem the world has but by doing so we would make others who have studied sometimes longer the same subject feel ridiculous and boy you’d better never cross a French person on the subject of excellence.

Well there is also the same politically correctness all over the western world. This is funny because it never ever crosses their mind that maybe, perhaps there is a slight chance that we could use our brain for the benefit of others unlike the running champion who would never think of using his abilities to push a wheel chair faster than it could ever go just for the person sitting on it to get new sensations. It never crosses their mind that this talent of ours is really not only pointless if we can’t share it but also poisonous for us.

This is my conclusion on this subject for now. I have encounter three situations with this type of brain:
Those who get sick because of it

Those who shut it down not to get sick (the group I have belonged to for the past ten years or less)

Those who have found the way to make other benefit of it and to let the poison out so it becomes a cure for others. This is the group my shrink belongs to and the one I am aiming at.

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Third appointment with my shrink

You have no idea how it feels to have the feeling that nobody can see you or hear you unless you let them disguise you as they please. Like you don’t exist because of their inabilities to feel you one way or another. What is a sound you don’t understand? Just a noise, maybe even a loud noise that you want to turn down.

I have found people who can hear and see me and a therapist who can too and who therefore may not be perfect but definitely the only one who can help me.

Other zebras often refer to this as “mind reading” when one of us think something and the other zebra says it with the own words the first zebra would have used.
It is not mind reading at all just probabilities. We are not used at all to meet and talk to someone who is like us. We have never experienced the feeling of belonging to a crew like others have where we don’t have to make an effort (which is often pointless actually).
Our brains work a different way which make us use words a different way too and set us apart.
So when we make such an experience it feels like ” mind reading” but if they paid a little attention they would realize that it never happens for deep and specific and personal subject that no one knows about. First we are talking about the same subject, second we use the same language and third we think faster than and adeverage person. Basically all the ingredients for a conversation to have some “mind reading” moments when it is really not.

Anyway I had some of those moments with my therapist it was soooooo coool. You know the expression “been there, done that”? Well for us it is more “being here, doing this” so when it happens with a therapist it makes it easier to trust her/him (could have been a man).

She laughed with sadness at my sad joke about my mother sending me an email to tell me not to ever call her again and that I am like my grand-mother and blah blah blah (insert all that a sick brain with hatred and pride could say) when I told her that I had to choice for a transfer: either her or my grand-mother who lives in Lebanon. I called my grand-mother.

There was this time when she described something specific in my bedroom (just for your info this third meeting was the third time she saw me. We never met before.

My shrink is evil. Or she just has a high IQ that she has decided to use for the benefit of others.

Holy sh….

I am indeed not doing too bad.

I have been reading a forum for people like me and this morning my conclusion is: I may have found my crew I am definitely doing better than a lot of them.

The evident reason for it to me are two things: being my grand-mother’s grand-daughter AND having this personal relationship with our Heavenly Father and God.

Having this brain IS painful but knowing I can turn to my Heavenly Father for love, guidance and support and knowing that I can turn to my God for answers makes a difference that I will be accountable for I think. 

When I read about people’s experience with therapists I am stunned by their record. When I read their reaction I wonder if we are really on the same boat of”gift” which makes me grateful for the grand-mother I have and then when I read their conclusion about life I really feel I am privileged to have this vision that takes me a little further.

Let me make it a little cleared for you.

I went to a child therapist when I was ten and it turned out how it should have with a therapist who was also an idiot: I knew what to tell him and I did so his conclusion was: “she is doing just great”.

The Irony of the situation is that I went to see a therapist because one of my teacher had told my mother that I was crazy because I was doing something that is typical of over gifted children who have not been spotted by the time they are 10. The same teacher played a big role in the destruction of my self esteem by the way.

Then I went to see one after I came back from my mission and WOW. What a difference to talk to someone who knows what he is doing. Anyway I stopped after two meetings because I had understood that this man was only making me face things that I knew but that I did not want to face and that all that I needed was a little courage. This was 12 years ago.

Now I am seeing this therapist who is like me and LDS.
For the first time in my life I have the feeling that I am a coherent being. It was violent to have this feeling that for the first time someone could see me. I believe it is more than a feeling, I think she can see me.
See, all my life I have been labelled because of pieces of me people thought they saw or knew of me and all my life I have known they were wrong. In the end I have developed this attitude of anger and bitterness by flinging in people’s face another picture of me that I made up with what I knew, although I did not understand what it meant but something they could handle enough that they would be far from the truth. The problem is that all my youth I have tried to know who I was and people have told me things that were “the truth because they knew better than me” and I have tried to conform to this beautiful image but I have eventually hurt even more when I was looking for healing.
As I have told a friend this week I feel like I have arrived. I don’t know where but it feels like if I had been running all my life with a load that at times had become too heavy (which was right since I was also carrying things I was not meant to carry and which I managed to drop through my excommunication). Now I have stopped running and although I know what is in my back pack I have found someone who can help me sort it all out and make the best of what is in it.

Blue eyes

In my last post I answered to Ray using an allegory that I think best describes how I have felt all my life and how I feel now.

But further than that it brings several subject “on the table”.

I have often felt that the commonly shared idea of equality was evil and like a lot of people (who are using it anyway) I hate labels.
When you talk about equality people will quickly agree with you that it could be the most unfair concept but in the end they always go back to their old habit of claiming we are all equal and that those who are stepping out of the rank should be destroyed one way or another.
Then they hate labels…or claim to because if they can’t label you they are afraid you want to step out of the rank and eventually you’re threat.

We are not equal.

God did not make us equal because then we would not need to learn to listen, to respect, love, compassion and so on. Because it is in our different abilities that we can get a glimpse of Him and learn to know Him.

Now that I know that I am not crazy or a monster or whatever I have been driven to feel about myself because I never fit in I really wonder how I can make other benefit from it.

I am not saying He made us all different (which is a common place and I hate common places) I am saying that he did not make us equal.
He gave most people the ability to run but some run faster than others no matter how much you train.

OK, from people’s different reactions I now know for real that you can’t use the word “over gifted” because it conveys pavlovian reactions about it. I know I am pressing the button “who-do-you-think-you-are?”
The answer to this question is: someone in pain…..do you want my f*cking brain just to see how much better I think I am? Now if you wanted me to be angry you just had the right reaction because not only am I in constant pain but I feel also betrayed because I believed you were better than that and that I could tell you. SEE????? I don’t think I am smarter than you because I thought I could tell you and obviously I was WRONG.

Lesson learned. I mean I have been told through the book, through chatting sessions that it was not well accepted by others and I thought that I would not use the “word-that-should-not-be-said” with people who had not known me for a long time but that I would with some people I trusted enough.
The result is that no matter how much I trust people or think high of them as long as I tell them using other words they behave like “they always knew” which is actually often true BUT if I use the word starting with an “O” then the communication is cut off.

Do you really hate labels people? Because from where I stand you seem to react quiet positively to them.

Anyway I know that I can’t talk about it as freely as people think I can. So I am now up for tone of frustration BUT I also have a group of people I can turn to for solace which is much more than I got the past 36 years.

So now what can I do with this brain that nobody wants to hear of but that is absolutely useless if I want to use it only for myself?
I mean obviously I could do great things for myself but it would be wasting what I have. I mean I can totally benefit from it (which is the least I deserve) but I could get the same benefit my brain can bring me by other ways like lying, stealing, betraying and so on. In the end my life will have meant nothing more than trying to make this time between birth and death a little more comfortable which to me is void.
So now that I KNOW I don’t have to distrust myself when I know with every fiber of my being something how do I help people know too?
All those times I have KNOWN things and then they happened and I have wondered if I was crazy or if people were stupid…..the answer is: neither. So now that I know I am right (with the clear experience of the probability of mistaking) what do I do? Watch the train knowing that nobody will believe me when I say it is going to crash? At least in the past I had the option “you’re crazy” although what I had “predicted” always happened, I don’t have this option anymore.

I guess it is good that I have a therapist who is both like me AND latter-day saint AND older because I really need help.

The weirdest for me

The weirdest for me has been to be able to test other’s brain and to find out that indeed 98% of people’s brain around me have a different way to work
One crazy thing was to test an american girl whose brain did function just like 98% of the brains are expected to work but I was wondering if an american brain would be different.

See I have this misconception I guess that considering that the american school system is more open than the french system it would enable brain to evolve differently.

I was wrong and specialists are right. The brain is pretty much done by the time we’re born. It is crazy to realize that it was there before I have tried to make my first friend. It was my brain that was the source of almost all my problems all the way and eventually the solution to all. When I ponder about this it just blows my mind literally.