A little frustration and guilt.

Last week was general conference and like 6 months ago I told me husband I wanted time out to watch it at home.

Again it felt like I was even more solicited than any other week end when I skip church. It is so frustrating. I know I can catch back but of course I never do. And today Is skipped church again but this time out of health reasons and family reason. So I told my daughter we would do a little spiritual moment like we were supposed to last week (and did not do of course). Last Thursday night we headed to the hospital and although things went fast and turned out alright it messed up our night. Pascal was already dead tired and this event screwed up our Friday (he had taken a day off). Then on Saturday we went to the car dealer of the brand of our car hoping we could change it and came home with our same old car.
Mind you, we have a car that is both strong and well taken care of as Pascal is very careful of anything he owns or that is under his responsibility. So although this car is 15 years old we might very well keep it for another 20. I strictly don’t care about earthly belonging but I want a new car so bad because Pascal would be so thrilled. I was so frustrated when we came home. This is so ridiculous compared to the worries some men have all over the world. A new car is such a shallow desire. But it is a shallow desire from a man who does everything for his family. Pick up any talk from our leaders about a good priesthood holder who make the Lord happy and you got his faithful description appart from the priesthood as he is not a member of the church. Many men strive all their life to be what he is. He was born with many features and had a good up-breading but he is also someone who wants to do what is right and seek for the right thing to do.

There is strictly nothing I can ask him more.

I want to write something spiritual and up-lifting to read for latter but I just want Pascal to have his new car.

On the bright side I read something else that made me feel less alone in my spiritual journey on Earth. It is really strange how the Lord grants some experiences and not others. I am eager to understand it all.


Another Sunday

I have been going to primary with Anne since the beginning of the year. Although she was older she did not want to leave the nursery because the sister taking care of it is like her grandma. But we had made a deal that starting in January she’d be going to primary and I would stay with her. I pretended I was doing a favor but actually it is an excuse to see and hear what she is exposed to.

My conclusion is what a waste of time primary is. It is also spiritually potentially dangerous.

But the problem is that nobody wants to be in primary so I am grateful for the mess that gives me an opportunity to have conversations with my daughter about Christ and other gospel topics.

Bad mother :P

We had a little snow these past days.

And today is Sunday but I sent Pascal and Anne to a tiny sky resort.

I am a bad mother.

Am I?

Well one of the flaw I passed on to Anne is low self confidence. This goes side by side with my “ability” and her father’s ability to “feel” how things can turn bad. The only way I can teach her otherwise is by making her do things and gain self confidence in her accomplishing things. This way I hope she can find more serenity than me as she grows. Sunday and specifically today, being the only day he can take her skiing I guess I am going to spend a lot more times during the week to help her grow spiritually. I fell this is right and I could be totally mistaken. Maybe going to church is the only thing I should make her spend Sunday on but I don’t know how going to church each Sunday has helped me be a balanced adult because I am not balanced at all.

What I know is that some things have helped me draw closer to God and to His son. Sometimes they were “church” related and sometimes they were not. In the end I want my daughter to follow the right path not their right path.

Years of silence

It has been years since I last wrote here and I don’t know if I can’t really do an update.
Pascal and I got married and Anne is the best daughter I could imagine to have. She is not perfect and I can see some of our flaws in her. The thing is that I know and want to teach her to be different because it has not lead us to be happier. I know I need to teach her to see good and beauty in people like I used to. But I also need to find a way to teach her to be resilient to the pain inside. I can tell she is as sensitive as I am and it could be a strength if I teach her what I would have needed when I was her age.
Anne is amazing, it feels at times that she does not need me. There are fields in which she is wise beyond her age, sometimes better than some grown ups.

She is capable of discerning people’s character and to hold or not someone accountable for what happens. She is also capable of projecting herself in the futur and how relationships can evolve as she grows older. She can identify a pattern with an accuracy that gives me so much hope for her.

Pascal is everything I hoped for.

And this is the problem.

He is just like how I was but never got a chance to change and hence is now on medication against depression. He is extremely smart and envision things before they happen. The problem is that I can never prove him that although he is right, he also has been wrong. Thus he lives constantly under pressure.

As for me I am fighting hard my state of gloom thoughts. Yesterday I felt almost ok and I thought it was the beginning of the end. Well I don’t feel very good today but I remember I felt good and why I felt good. So I feel low but…not so low that one should worry about me.

Some thoughts came to my mind these days:

I remembered how I once asked for a blessing to a random priesthood holder. We wanted to stay in contact because he said he never felt such an outpouring love from Heaven for me. I lost his email but it is ok. I have a testimony from a stranger that I am loved beyond anything he had ever experienced.

last sunday

Was not as bad as I feared it would be.
I came early and sat in the chapel in hope to find somme peace. This is when this brother came in and said loudly “well, it is quiet a study atmosphere here.” To which I did not answer: yes, this is why you thought it would be appropriante to disturb it.
A sister made a smart comment when I told her: it would have probably helped if the door had been closed for him to feel a difference between what was going on there (me and some other members studying or pondering) and the lobby.

Anyway something happened. All of a sudden I saw all this as a play and I was just sitting in the theater. I think I have found a way not  to be so much sensitive about the church and the members.

I need to try this trick again and to master in it. Maybe I can get some peace back.

On the same subject (meaning me and my progression) I have found this blog that helps me tremendously. It is very inspirational and it really helps me focus on what I feel I have lost and what I am searching for.

Supporting her to me is what RS is really about:


The letter

I can’t believe how long it has been since the last time I wrote.
Things are going so fast now, things are changing so quickly and I have so much to write and no time to do so (or I should say that I don’t have a slave leprechaun to help me with this blog. *sigh*)
Anyway, last Thursday I went to see my therapist and the session went very deep in some things I need help with. I would say that my main stumbling block is the church as a community. I am not talking about a spiritual stumbling block but something that gets in my way on many levels.
Something she said (that I have noticed too) is that when people have a problem with the church it is often because the church represent a parent they have a problem with. It is easier to leave the church than to leave the parent who is the problem.
I knew it applied to me as God embodies the father figure and the church absolutely represents my mother. I have known it for years and I won’t deny that many of my reaction are linked to my relationship with my mother.
Is the church full of mad people who need a therapist much more than they need a church? Oh yes baby. Just like some people need a therapist more than they truly need this football game. But my reactions, I know, are very less effective in my search for happiness.
I won’t talk now about how much the church IS my mother (crazy, dangerous, cruel, selfish, blind…am I forgetting anything?) because it would not be right. My mother is sick.
She is sick and it is not her fault at all and this is partly why it hurts so bad. If it were her fault I could hate her. Instead I am just left with my anger that I can’t aim at anybody and a walking dead-like being that gave me birth but that I can’t reach because it would jeopardize my fragile balance and family life.
I pray everyday that God will take her. Not because I hate her at all but because I want her to be at peace and not to suffer. And I want her to be able to enjoy how much we have overcome her bad treatment even if she won’t be able to interact with us. Because right now she can’t interact with us AND she can’t enjoy it either.

My therapist said “it seems that your mother subject is still a problem”
Yes it is. And it will always be and there is no solution to this problem in this life. So all I can do is not to think about it too much. There are cruel moments when I wish I could call her and talk to her and tell her about Anne. And I have to refrain. I wish I did not have a choice. I hope that someday I can tell that having a choice was a good thing.

I am going to make it short now because this post is already too long.

I am going to write a letter to my new stake president. I am not crazy about him but I know he can’t be as bad as some other leaders I have had. I feel this one is sincere.

The reason I am going to write to him is because I wish I could talk freely and openly about my excommunication and my coming back but it feels like there is no room for such a talk in the church. I believe it is because excommunication is an ugly word that totally misleads people. This way I feel that I can participate positively in the church and not just by being “the misfit” , the one who never think along with the crowd.

I believe that it can help me concerning my issue with the church.

Long time no writing and I am not sorry.

I knew I would come back to it this is why this time I did not close it down.
I needed a break off this blog to live for real and eventually to need it again.

My life had changed much and (I am so sorry for all of you either in our out the church who wished it were otherwise) I am still LDS.

Pascal and I got married a few days ago but that was only after having ANNE!

I don’t know if I like the path God has set me on. I think I like it because of its greatness but what I don’t like about it is how I am so much always on the verge of making the same old pride mistake.

I also decided to go back to see my therapist. I thought I could do for a while without her and I was right. It is just that some things came up that made this time much shorter than I hoped.

I wish I could write more but I have lost a lot of time today and I still have to exercise, sleep and clean a little our home before Pascal and Anne are back from work and day-care.

I guess I am going to add a new category called “family life” or something of the kind.IMG_1094 IMG_1095

Unsettled and feeling at peace

I am right now at a very weird place in my life. The more I pray about it the more it feels like I am doing what is right although my mind tells me the opposite and it is very disturbing.

It is hard to describe with words that have not been yet used without giving the wrong impression about my life and what I want.

I have come at peace with what I am and who I am no matter the laughters and sniffles. Although I want badly someone to understand me I realize that I don’t need it really to progress.  And to tell the truth it is hard.
I know my words sound easy to understand but it is only because I am always keeping things on the surface so anyone can reach to it. And I know this sounds very arrogant when I am just expressing pain and loneliness.

I don’t know when will be the next time I write on this blog because things are getting too personal to be shared even in an almost anonymous way. I wanted this blog to be a record of perpetual progression when I realize that although it can be I guess this is a quiet time for experience and growth that needs to be done in secret before I can come up with new insights.

What has been on my mind the past month

And it goes in circle:

I now understand that both what I can do that others can’t or don’t (they don’t necessarily can’t as it would imply a need for something to take place when some things are just incidental) is only because of the way my brain has been shaped and wired. The intensity and the reason why I may vibrate to things that people don’t even see or care about. 
So what is really me?
I have met others like me and it was crazy to hear my words in their mouth when before people would either look at me as if I were nuts or would basically run away from me.
Meeting others like me who use their abilities to do things I don’t agree with made me realize that my choices tell me a little who I am and I have been searching more in depth who I was before coming here and who I am expected to become.
Yet this entanglement between who I am and what I am either here or there and it goes both ways has made me look at things the way I have when I was a teenager (until I understood I was crazy and I needed to stop of course) but with more of the knowledge I was hoping to have someday.

I am often grateful and humbled by the blessing of knowing what I know now. I am grateful for the confidence it gives me in my choice and the solace and serenity I find in my life. I am humbled by what I can see from the little cleaning of my dark glasses (Ray this is for you) as it makes it an emergency to learn to love the way Christ did because it is the only way to be saved really.

There is nothing that the love I can show will really change. Yet it can help someone face another day until they can the answer they needed to feel and be better.
I know understand how what I can do is both small and nothing to brag or to be ashamed about but it can have enormous consequences. I knew it before and I had experienced it but always as a recipient of someone else’s deeds. 

There is also something I don’t understand concerning this whole matter. The more I want to follow the path He wants me to take the more it seems that I am deriving from it. I am not talking about “opposition” I am talking about praying to know His will and having the only path I thought was the wrong one opening before me.
Yet what I have learned and I know is that the most important is what I desire really and my relationship with Him. Hopefully someday it will all make sense.