last sunday

Was not as bad as I feared it would be.
I came early and sat in the chapel in hope to find somme peace. This is when this brother came in and said loudly “well, it is quiet a study atmosphere here.” To which I did not answer: yes, this is why you thought it would be appropriante to disturb it.
A sister made a smart comment when I told her: it would have probably helped if the door had been closed for him to feel a difference between what was going on there (me and some other members studying or pondering) and the lobby.

Anyway something happened. All of a sudden I saw all this as a play and I was just sitting in the theater. I think I have found a way not  to be so much sensitive about the church and the members.

I need to try this trick again and to master in it. Maybe I can get some peace back.

On the same subject (meaning me and my progression) I have found this blog that helps me tremendously. It is very inspirational and it really helps me focus on what I feel I have lost and what I am searching for.

Supporting her to me is what RS is really about:


The letter

I can’t believe how long it has been since the last time I wrote.
Things are going so fast now, things are changing so quickly and I have so much to write and no time to do so (or I should say that I don’t have a slave leprechaun to help me with this blog. *sigh*)
Anyway, last Thursday I went to see my therapist and the session went very deep in some things I need help with. I would say that my main stumbling block is the church as a community. I am not talking about a spiritual stumbling block but something that gets in my way on many levels.
Something she said (that I have noticed too) is that when people have a problem with the church it is often because the church represent a parent they have a problem with. It is easier to leave the church than to leave the parent who is the problem.
I knew it applied to me as God embodies the father figure and the church absolutely represents my mother. I have known it for years and I won’t deny that many of my reaction are linked to my relationship with my mother.
Is the church full of mad people who need a therapist much more than they need a church? Oh yes baby. Just like some people need a therapist more than they truly need this football game. But my reactions, I know, are very less effective in my search for happiness.
I won’t talk now about how much the church IS my mother (crazy, dangerous, cruel, selfish, blind…am I forgetting anything?) because it would not be right. My mother is sick.
She is sick and it is not her fault at all and this is partly why it hurts so bad. If it were her fault I could hate her. Instead I am just left with my anger that I can’t aim at anybody and a walking dead-like being that gave me birth but that I can’t reach because it would jeopardize my fragile balance and family life.
I pray everyday that God will take her. Not because I hate her at all but because I want her to be at peace and not to suffer. And I want her to be able to enjoy how much we have overcome her bad treatment even if she won’t be able to interact with us. Because right now she can’t interact with us AND she can’t enjoy it either.

My therapist said “it seems that your mother subject is still a problem”
Yes it is. And it will always be and there is no solution to this problem in this life. So all I can do is not to think about it too much. There are cruel moments when I wish I could call her and talk to her and tell her about Anne. And I have to refrain. I wish I did not have a choice. I hope that someday I can tell that having a choice was a good thing.

I am going to make it short now because this post is already too long.

I am going to write a letter to my new stake president. I am not crazy about him but I know he can’t be as bad as some other leaders I have had. I feel this one is sincere.

The reason I am going to write to him is because I wish I could talk freely and openly about my excommunication and my coming back but it feels like there is no room for such a talk in the church. I believe it is because excommunication is an ugly word that totally misleads people. This way I feel that I can participate positively in the church and not just by being “the misfit” , the one who never think along with the crowd.

I believe that it can help me concerning my issue with the church.

Long time no writing and I am not sorry.

I knew I would come back to it this is why this time I did not close it down.
I needed a break off this blog to live for real and eventually to need it again.

My life had changed much and (I am so sorry for all of you either in our out the church who wished it were otherwise) I am still LDS.

Pascal and I got married a few days ago but that was only after having ANNE!

I don’t know if I like the path God has set me on. I think I like it because of its greatness but what I don’t like about it is how I am so much always on the verge of making the same old pride mistake.

I also decided to go back to see my therapist. I thought I could do for a while without her and I was right. It is just that some things came up that made this time much shorter than I hoped.

I wish I could write more but I have lost a lot of time today and I still have to exercise, sleep and clean a little our home before Pascal and Anne are back from work and day-care.

I guess I am going to add a new category called “family life” or something of the kind.IMG_1094 IMG_1095

Unsettled and feeling at peace

I am right now at a very weird place in my life. The more I pray about it the more it feels like I am doing what is right although my mind tells me the opposite and it is very disturbing.

It is hard to describe with words that have not been yet used without giving the wrong impression about my life and what I want.

I have come at peace with what I am and who I am no matter the laughters and sniffles. Although I want badly someone to understand me I realize that I don’t need it really to progress.  And to tell the truth it is hard.
I know my words sound easy to understand but it is only because I am always keeping things on the surface so anyone can reach to it. And I know this sounds very arrogant when I am just expressing pain and loneliness.

I don’t know when will be the next time I write on this blog because things are getting too personal to be shared even in an almost anonymous way. I wanted this blog to be a record of perpetual progression when I realize that although it can be I guess this is a quiet time for experience and growth that needs to be done in secret before I can come up with new insights.

What has been on my mind the past month

And it goes in circle:

I now understand that both what I can do that others can’t or don’t (they don’t necessarily can’t as it would imply a need for something to take place when some things are just incidental) is only because of the way my brain has been shaped and wired. The intensity and the reason why I may vibrate to things that people don’t even see or care about. 
So what is really me?
I have met others like me and it was crazy to hear my words in their mouth when before people would either look at me as if I were nuts or would basically run away from me.
Meeting others like me who use their abilities to do things I don’t agree with made me realize that my choices tell me a little who I am and I have been searching more in depth who I was before coming here and who I am expected to become.
Yet this entanglement between who I am and what I am either here or there and it goes both ways has made me look at things the way I have when I was a teenager (until I understood I was crazy and I needed to stop of course) but with more of the knowledge I was hoping to have someday.

I am often grateful and humbled by the blessing of knowing what I know now. I am grateful for the confidence it gives me in my choice and the solace and serenity I find in my life. I am humbled by what I can see from the little cleaning of my dark glasses (Ray this is for you) as it makes it an emergency to learn to love the way Christ did because it is the only way to be saved really.

There is nothing that the love I can show will really change. Yet it can help someone face another day until they can the answer they needed to feel and be better.
I know understand how what I can do is both small and nothing to brag or to be ashamed about but it can have enormous consequences. I knew it before and I had experienced it but always as a recipient of someone else’s deeds. 

There is also something I don’t understand concerning this whole matter. The more I want to follow the path He wants me to take the more it seems that I am deriving from it. I am not talking about “opposition” I am talking about praying to know His will and having the only path I thought was the wrong one opening before me.
Yet what I have learned and I know is that the most important is what I desire really and my relationship with Him. Hopefully someday it will all make sense.

bitter sweet time of my life

I love to go to talk with my therapist. She has helped me much and has made possible for me to be where I am now. I couldn’t be happier I guess considering that what I want is not up to me.
Mister P has bought a home for us to have a family. It is an apartment in a “posh” area which actually means that we won’t have to worry about the environment we will raise our kids in. Of course we were blessed that he got the place for a little over 3/4 of its price without having to discuss. The other blessing about it is that it is way under the maximum of the minimum he was allowed to borrow.
He got a loan over a 20 years period, he will pay only 60 euros more than what he is paying now for a three bedrooms apartment with tone of space to store and organize things. It has a big living room that is separated in two parts so we can have if needed a living room and an office area.
The apartment building is short and spread around a very pretty park that we don’t have to pay for since it belongs to the city, yet it looks like it belongs to the owners of the apartments.

It is only 500meters from the tramway which can take me downtown Saint-Etienne in a blink of an eye. It is right by the police station, a drugstore and more. Right across the town hall (as it is not in Saint-Etienne but in a nice suburb).
Everybody is jealous of him, he could sell it in 6 months and make even more money to buy a nicer place which sounds pretty hard as this one is pretty much on the top of the list.
Most people around have a swimming pool, as Mister P said “we’re going to make friends in the neighborhood!”

He is proud of me and believes in me more than I do most of the time.

His family likes me and I like his family.

And I can’t share this with my mother.

A little insane

The more time passes the more I am stunned by the sixth sense I had about who and what I needed. Everything has an explanation now and I don’t have to fight for what I know to be true so I am relieved in a way but I am also scared in a way. What else did I know the same way and that I just decided to overlook because it sounded too silly?

Everything I knew I needed in the other is what Pascal is. And when I say everything I need you to pay a little attention here.

Therapists have known for decades that there was something transmitted in the blood of a family when one relative had gone through something traumatic but of course it was partially disregarded since nothing could be proven. Now it has.
Since a few years it has been proven that the traumas one goes through are in our genes and it take several generations to erase it from the genes, then it may take a little longer (or not) to erase it from the descendants’ habits.
I would not open up too much about what made me afraid about getting married and having children because I knew people would mock me but I knew there was something wrong in me. 
the problem is that when I would say this people would burst into out of subject praises that I did not need and I would feel frustrated.
I knew there was too much violence and rape in my family history and as I often said I did not want to transmit “that”. I did not know what “that” was but I knew it was a burden I had carried and that I did not want my children to carry. I felt that it was too heavy for me and that it had almost crushed me. I just did not want to pass it on out of a selfish desire of reproduction.

So what geneticians have discovered is this:
1st generation: Trauma
2nd generation: depression
3rd generation: post trauma syndrome that no one can explain.
4th generation and on: bad habit from the previous generation that can be erased or amplified according to ones path.

You may say that you know people whose parents have gone through horrible things and don’t fit in this pattern.

Because there is a solution.

This pattern is true UNLESS something extra positive comes in opposition to this trauma.
OR if someone with “better” genes comes along in the family gene pool.

Now I know that when I told several times that there was something wrong with me I was right. I sensed it and I have lived according to it and if i have a child it will be for its benefit. It was a cruel fight but in the end it will benefit someone, hopefully more than one.

I now also understand and know that I can rest and contemplate what I have fought and be grateful for those who have helped me in this fight without even knowing it.

As I have said in the past I know my grand-mother has been raped by her father. What makes the situation even worse is that I inherited the specificities of my brain from her and she got it from her father. this made it hard for her mother to relate to her, adding to this that she had issues on her own and 13 children. I understand why she never understood my grand-mother’s cry and why my grand-mother does not understand either what went wrong.
The first fighter is my grand-mother because as my cousin says there is something in the way she talks and live that makes you feel that being “positive” and “christlike” is a matter of life and death to her. It is not just about good feelings and getting to Heaven. You can tell from her intensity that it is about this life now and here.
Now although she tried instinctively to fight it my mother was raped herself.
So my mother was a 2nd generation in this pattern but then a rape was added to her load.

I need to praise my mother as well.

See, on my mission I had a companion who was clearly a racist. She told me her mother had an abortion from a rape she was victim of. Now those who did it were black men. this was the justification she gave me. 
Now the man who did this to my mother was a black help my grand-parents had in their home when my mother was a child.
NEVER did she teach me to hate those of a different color. I can tell that she taught me to be careful of difference of culture in a couple but this was for French-American as well as for French-African. I can tell that she taught me to look beyond what I could see in a person.

It would have been so easy and understandable of her to teach me to hate African and anyone darker than me (which would have been an issue as I am very pale).
Now the disease has taken over and she is unreachable. I know understand what was my mother and what was her borderline illness.
The cruelty of it is that if I can have children I will have to protect them from her presence not because my mother is bad but because she is too sick and I don’t want them to have this influence in their lives.
It is unfair. It feels to me that she is being punished for being a victim. I don’t see anything more unfair. If you do please tell.

I am angry.

I only hope that she will get what she deserves on the other side.

Now this is where Pascal comes into place.

I have fought my best but I still knew that I could not be with the first “good guy”. I needed more than that.

Once I explained to him what is a family home evening and i told him this is something I would like to have in our home even if it is not religiously focused.
He paused and looked at me in the eyes and told me:”well this may come as a shock to you but this how I have been raised as it was this way every evening in at home when I grew up”.
I was indeed shocked. I told him “well someone has suffered!!!” 
The more I know about his family the more I want to be a part of it. It is not a perfect family just a family that can balance what I have in my blood.