About Surdouillette

I want you to know me but basically I don't feel like giving out any infos that would enable you to spot me anywhere in the world. I want to try to make this blog as neutral as possible as far as "identity" is concerned but I want it to also be something that will not only be a trace for myself but also something that people will be able to relate to. I think that the path I went through is a very classical one but also a tough one. Because there are so many things the church can be (wrongly) blamed for that it makes it difficult for some of us to come back even if we feel this is what should be done. I am writing this blog for myself, for times when I will need to remember the wondefull experience I am going through right now and also for people who are looking for some kind of answer, hoping they can find it there if they have not found better source (and believe me there are plenty).

A little frustration and guilt.

Last week was general conference and like 6 months ago I told me husband I wanted time out to watch it at home.

Again it felt like I was even more solicited than any other week end when I skip church. It is so frustrating. I know I can catch back but of course I never do. And today Is skipped church again but this time out of health reasons and family reason. So I told my daughter we would do a little spiritual moment like we were supposed to last week (and did not do of course). Last Thursday night we headed to the hospital and although things went fast and turned out alright it messed up our night. Pascal was already dead tired and this event screwed up our Friday (he had taken a day off). Then on Saturday we went to the car dealer of the brand of our car hoping we could change it and came home with our same old car.
Mind you, we have a car that is both strong and well taken care of as Pascal is very careful of anything he owns or that is under his responsibility. So although this car is 15 years old we might very well keep it for another 20. I strictly don’t care about earthly belonging but I want a new car so bad because Pascal would be so thrilled. I was so frustrated when we came home. This is so ridiculous compared to the worries some men have all over the world. A new car is such a shallow desire. But it is a shallow desire from a man who does everything for his family. Pick up any talk from our leaders about a good priesthood holder who make the Lord happy and you got his faithful description appart from the priesthood as he is not a member of the church. Many men strive all their life to be what he is. He was born with many features and had a good up-breading but he is also someone who wants to do what is right and seek for the right thing to do.

There is strictly nothing I can ask him more.

I want to write something spiritual and up-lifting to read for latter but I just want Pascal to have his new car.

On the bright side I read something else that made me feel less alone in my spiritual journey on Earth. It is really strange how the Lord grants some experiences and not others. I am eager to understand it all.

 

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Another Sunday

I have been going to primary with Anne since the beginning of the year. Although she was older she did not want to leave the nursery because the sister taking care of it is like her grandma. But we had made a deal that starting in January she’d be going to primary and I would stay with her. I pretended I was doing a favor but actually it is an excuse to see and hear what she is exposed to.

My conclusion is what a waste of time primary is. It is also spiritually potentially dangerous.

But the problem is that nobody wants to be in primary so I am grateful for the mess that gives me an opportunity to have conversations with my daughter about Christ and other gospel topics.

Bad mother :P

We had a little snow these past days.

And today is Sunday but I sent Pascal and Anne to a tiny sky resort.

I am a bad mother.

Am I?

Well one of the flaw I passed on to Anne is low self confidence. This goes side by side with my “ability” and her father’s ability to “feel” how things can turn bad. The only way I can teach her otherwise is by making her do things and gain self confidence in her accomplishing things. This way I hope she can find more serenity than me as she grows. Sunday and specifically today, being the only day he can take her skiing I guess I am going to spend a lot more times during the week to help her grow spiritually. I fell this is right and I could be totally mistaken. Maybe going to church is the only thing I should make her spend Sunday on but I don’t know how going to church each Sunday has helped me be a balanced adult because I am not balanced at all.

What I know is that some things have helped me draw closer to God and to His son. Sometimes they were “church” related and sometimes they were not. In the end I want my daughter to follow the right path not their right path.

Years of silence

It has been years since I last wrote here and I don’t know if I can’t really do an update.
Pascal and I got married and Anne is the best daughter I could imagine to have. She is not perfect and I can see some of our flaws in her. The thing is that I know and want to teach her to be different because it has not lead us to be happier. I know I need to teach her to see good and beauty in people like I used to. But I also need to find a way to teach her to be resilient to the pain inside. I can tell she is as sensitive as I am and it could be a strength if I teach her what I would have needed when I was her age.
Anne is amazing, it feels at times that she does not need me. There are fields in which she is wise beyond her age, sometimes better than some grown ups.

She is capable of discerning people’s character and to hold or not someone accountable for what happens. She is also capable of projecting herself in the futur and how relationships can evolve as she grows older. She can identify a pattern with an accuracy that gives me so much hope for her.

Pascal is everything I hoped for.

And this is the problem.

He is just like how I was but never got a chance to change and hence is now on medication against depression. He is extremely smart and envision things before they happen. The problem is that I can never prove him that although he is right, he also has been wrong. Thus he lives constantly under pressure.

As for me I am fighting hard my state of gloom thoughts. Yesterday I felt almost ok and I thought it was the beginning of the end. Well I don’t feel very good today but I remember I felt good and why I felt good. So I feel low but…not so low that one should worry about me.

Some thoughts came to my mind these days:

I remembered how I once asked for a blessing to a random priesthood holder. We wanted to stay in contact because he said he never felt such an outpouring love from Heaven for me. I lost his email but it is ok. I have a testimony from a stranger that I am loved beyond anything he had ever experienced.

last sunday

Was not as bad as I feared it would be.
I came early and sat in the chapel in hope to find somme peace. This is when this brother came in and said loudly “well, it is quiet a study atmosphere here.” To which I did not answer: yes, this is why you thought it would be appropriante to disturb it.
A sister made a smart comment when I told her: it would have probably helped if the door had been closed for him to feel a difference between what was going on there (me and some other members studying or pondering) and the lobby.

Anyway something happened. All of a sudden I saw all this as a play and I was just sitting in the theater. I think I have found a way not  to be so much sensitive about the church and the members.

I need to try this trick again and to master in it. Maybe I can get some peace back.

On the same subject (meaning me and my progression) I have found this blog that helps me tremendously. It is very inspirational and it really helps me focus on what I feel I have lost and what I am searching for.

Supporting her to me is what RS is really about:

http://lawsunbroken.com/

The letter

I can’t believe how long it has been since the last time I wrote.
Things are going so fast now, things are changing so quickly and I have so much to write and no time to do so (or I should say that I don’t have a slave leprechaun to help me with this blog. *sigh*)
Anyway, last Thursday I went to see my therapist and the session went very deep in some things I need help with. I would say that my main stumbling block is the church as a community. I am not talking about a spiritual stumbling block but something that gets in my way on many levels.
Something she said (that I have noticed too) is that when people have a problem with the church it is often because the church represent a parent they have a problem with. It is easier to leave the church than to leave the parent who is the problem.
I knew it applied to me as God embodies the father figure and the church absolutely represents my mother. I have known it for years and I won’t deny that many of my reaction are linked to my relationship with my mother.
Is the church full of mad people who need a therapist much more than they need a church? Oh yes baby. Just like some people need a therapist more than they truly need this football game. But my reactions, I know, are very less effective in my search for happiness.
I won’t talk now about how much the church IS my mother (crazy, dangerous, cruel, selfish, blind…am I forgetting anything?) because it would not be right. My mother is sick.
She is sick and it is not her fault at all and this is partly why it hurts so bad. If it were her fault I could hate her. Instead I am just left with my anger that I can’t aim at anybody and a walking dead-like being that gave me birth but that I can’t reach because it would jeopardize my fragile balance and family life.
I pray everyday that God will take her. Not because I hate her at all but because I want her to be at peace and not to suffer. And I want her to be able to enjoy how much we have overcome her bad treatment even if she won’t be able to interact with us. Because right now she can’t interact with us AND she can’t enjoy it either.

My therapist said “it seems that your mother subject is still a problem”
Yes it is. And it will always be and there is no solution to this problem in this life. So all I can do is not to think about it too much. There are cruel moments when I wish I could call her and talk to her and tell her about Anne. And I have to refrain. I wish I did not have a choice. I hope that someday I can tell that having a choice was a good thing.

I am going to make it short now because this post is already too long.

I am going to write a letter to my new stake president. I am not crazy about him but I know he can’t be as bad as some other leaders I have had. I feel this one is sincere.

The reason I am going to write to him is because I wish I could talk freely and openly about my excommunication and my coming back but it feels like there is no room for such a talk in the church. I believe it is because excommunication is an ugly word that totally misleads people. This way I feel that I can participate positively in the church and not just by being “the misfit” , the one who never think along with the crowd.

I believe that it can help me concerning my issue with the church.