About Surdouillette

I want you to know me but basically I don't feel like giving out any infos that would enable you to spot me anywhere in the world. I want to try to make this blog as neutral as possible as far as "identity" is concerned but I want it to also be something that will not only be a trace for myself but also something that people will be able to relate to. I think that the path I went through is a very classical one but also a tough one. Because there are so many things the church can be (wrongly) blamed for that it makes it difficult for some of us to come back even if we feel this is what should be done. I am writing this blog for myself, for times when I will need to remember the wondefull experience I am going through right now and also for people who are looking for some kind of answer, hoping they can find it there if they have not found better source (and believe me there are plenty).

A little frustration and guilt.

Last week was general conference and like 6 months ago I told me husband I wanted time out to watch it at home.

Again it felt like I was even more solicited than any other week end when I skip church. It is so frustrating. I know I can catch back but of course I never do. And today Is skipped church again but this time out of health reasons and family reason. So I told my daughter we would do a little spiritual moment like we were supposed to last week (and did not do of course). Last Thursday night we headed to the hospital and although things went fast and turned out alright it messed up our night. Pascal was already dead tired and this event screwed up our Friday (he had taken a day off). Then on Saturday we went to the car dealer of the brand of our car hoping we could change it and came home with our same old car.
Mind you, we have a car that is both strong and well taken care of as Pascal is very careful of anything he owns or that is under his responsibility. So although this car is 15 years old we might very well keep it for another 20. I strictly don’t care about earthly belonging but I want a new car so bad because Pascal would be so thrilled. I was so frustrated when we came home. This is so ridiculous compared to the worries some men have all over the world. A new car is such a shallow desire. But it is a shallow desire from a man who does everything for his family. Pick up any talk from our leaders about a good priesthood holder who make the Lord happy and you got his faithful description appart from the priesthood as he is not a member of the church. Many men strive all their life to be what he is. He was born with many features and had a good up-breading but he is also someone who wants to do what is right and seek for the right thing to do.

There is strictly nothing I can ask him more.

I want to write something spiritual and up-lifting to read for latter but I just want Pascal to have his new car.

On the bright side I read something else that made me feel less alone in my spiritual journey on Earth. It is really strange how the Lord grants some experiences and not others. I am eager to understand it all.

 

Another Sunday

I have been going to primary with Anne since the beginning of the year. Although she was older she did not want to leave the nursery because the sister taking care of it is like her grandma. But we had made a deal that starting in January she’d be going to primary and I would stay with her. I pretended I was doing a favor but actually it is an excuse to see and hear what she is exposed to.

My conclusion is what a waste of time primary is. It is also spiritually potentially dangerous.

But the problem is that nobody wants to be in primary so I am grateful for the mess that gives me an opportunity to have conversations with my daughter about Christ and other gospel topics.

Bad mother :P

We had a little snow these past days.

And today is Sunday but I sent Pascal and Anne to a tiny sky resort.

I am a bad mother.

Am I?

Well one of the flaw I passed on to Anne is low self confidence. This goes side by side with my “ability” and her father’s ability to “feel” how things can turn bad. The only way I can teach her otherwise is by making her do things and gain self confidence in her accomplishing things. This way I hope she can find more serenity than me as she grows. Sunday and specifically today, being the only day he can take her skiing I guess I am going to spend a lot more times during the week to help her grow spiritually. I fell this is right and I could be totally mistaken. Maybe going to church is the only thing I should make her spend Sunday on but I don’t know how going to church each Sunday has helped me be a balanced adult because I am not balanced at all.

What I know is that some things have helped me draw closer to God and to His son. Sometimes they were “church” related and sometimes they were not. In the end I want my daughter to follow the right path not their right path.

Years of silence

It has been years since I last wrote here and I don’t know if I can’t really do an update.
Pascal and I got married and Anne is the best daughter I could imagine to have. She is not perfect and I can see some of our flaws in her. The thing is that I know and want to teach her to be different because it has not lead us to be happier. I know I need to teach her to see good and beauty in people like I used to. But I also need to find a way to teach her to be resilient to the pain inside. I can tell she is as sensitive as I am and it could be a strength if I teach her what I would have needed when I was her age.
Anne is amazing, it feels at times that she does not need me. There are fields in which she is wise beyond her age, sometimes better than some grown ups.

She is capable of discerning people’s character and to hold or not someone accountable for what happens. She is also capable of projecting herself in the futur and how relationships can evolve as she grows older. She can identify a pattern with an accuracy that gives me so much hope for her.

Pascal is everything I hoped for.

And this is the problem.

He is just like how I was but never got a chance to change and hence is now on medication against depression. He is extremely smart and envision things before they happen. The problem is that I can never prove him that although he is right, he also has been wrong. Thus he lives constantly under pressure.

As for me I am fighting hard my state of gloom thoughts. Yesterday I felt almost ok and I thought it was the beginning of the end. Well I don’t feel very good today but I remember I felt good and why I felt good. So I feel low but…not so low that one should worry about me.

Some thoughts came to my mind these days:

I remembered how I once asked for a blessing to a random priesthood holder. We wanted to stay in contact because he said he never felt such an outpouring love from Heaven for me. I lost his email but it is ok. I have a testimony from a stranger that I am loved beyond anything he had ever experienced.

last sunday

Was not as bad as I feared it would be.
I came early and sat in the chapel in hope to find somme peace. This is when this brother came in and said loudly “well, it is quiet a study atmosphere here.” To which I did not answer: yes, this is why you thought it would be appropriante to disturb it.
A sister made a smart comment when I told her: it would have probably helped if the door had been closed for him to feel a difference between what was going on there (me and some other members studying or pondering) and the lobby.

Anyway something happened. All of a sudden I saw all this as a play and I was just sitting in the theater. I think I have found a way not  to be so much sensitive about the church and the members.

I need to try this trick again and to master in it. Maybe I can get some peace back.

On the same subject (meaning me and my progression) I have found this blog that helps me tremendously. It is very inspirational and it really helps me focus on what I feel I have lost and what I am searching for.

Supporting her to me is what RS is really about:

http://lawsunbroken.com/

The letter

I can’t believe how long it has been since the last time I wrote.
Things are going so fast now, things are changing so quickly and I have so much to write and no time to do so (or I should say that I don’t have a slave leprechaun to help me with this blog. *sigh*)
Anyway, last Thursday I went to see my therapist and the session went very deep in some things I need help with. I would say that my main stumbling block is the church as a community. I am not talking about a spiritual stumbling block but something that gets in my way on many levels.
Something she said (that I have noticed too) is that when people have a problem with the church it is often because the church represent a parent they have a problem with. It is easier to leave the church than to leave the parent who is the problem.
I knew it applied to me as God embodies the father figure and the church absolutely represents my mother. I have known it for years and I won’t deny that many of my reaction are linked to my relationship with my mother.
Is the church full of mad people who need a therapist much more than they need a church? Oh yes baby. Just like some people need a therapist more than they truly need this football game. But my reactions, I know, are very less effective in my search for happiness.
I won’t talk now about how much the church IS my mother (crazy, dangerous, cruel, selfish, blind…am I forgetting anything?) because it would not be right. My mother is sick.
She is sick and it is not her fault at all and this is partly why it hurts so bad. If it were her fault I could hate her. Instead I am just left with my anger that I can’t aim at anybody and a walking dead-like being that gave me birth but that I can’t reach because it would jeopardize my fragile balance and family life.
I pray everyday that God will take her. Not because I hate her at all but because I want her to be at peace and not to suffer. And I want her to be able to enjoy how much we have overcome her bad treatment even if she won’t be able to interact with us. Because right now she can’t interact with us AND she can’t enjoy it either.

My therapist said “it seems that your mother subject is still a problem”
Yes it is. And it will always be and there is no solution to this problem in this life. So all I can do is not to think about it too much. There are cruel moments when I wish I could call her and talk to her and tell her about Anne. And I have to refrain. I wish I did not have a choice. I hope that someday I can tell that having a choice was a good thing.

I am going to make it short now because this post is already too long.

I am going to write a letter to my new stake president. I am not crazy about him but I know he can’t be as bad as some other leaders I have had. I feel this one is sincere.

The reason I am going to write to him is because I wish I could talk freely and openly about my excommunication and my coming back but it feels like there is no room for such a talk in the church. I believe it is because excommunication is an ugly word that totally misleads people. This way I feel that I can participate positively in the church and not just by being “the misfit” , the one who never think along with the crowd.

I believe that it can help me concerning my issue with the church.

Not going to church for a few weeks I guess

So, I developed some health issue during my pregnancy that got even worse after Anne was born.
It turned out it is multiple sclerosis.

It is like a big, ugly and scary name for something that is not so bad in my case. One of the doctor I have to see for that has me on some drugs that works pretty well but I have to try some others to see what fits me the best. Until what kind of medicationI should take is set and clear I don’t feel like going to church.
Sorry to say but each time I go to church my symptoms worsen. I know it is partly my fault because I am so stressed out that I get tired more easily and fatigue is one of the thing I have to watch out to have a better daily life.
I get stressed out because I worry for Pascal and Anne. I hate going to church without them BUT in the mean time I really don’t want Pascal to join the church.
Then I get to church and I have to gather all my strength to deal the members.
The only time I like and the reason I put myself under this is because I want to take the sacrament.

Therefore I like the new changes in the church in France.

Now the whole country has to do sacrament meeting first before all the other meetings in order to bring more spirituality in our teachings and how we deal with each other. I love it.

It does not change the situation it only helps me in finding the spiritual help I am craving for. Considering that it makes things a tiny bit (only a tiny bit) harder not to miss the sacrament I think I am going to wait until my friend Dany can take me to church or until I have this dang driving licence to be able to go to church without a part of the pressure. I was going to write “without all this pressure” but not having it is impossible.

Nap time for Anne

I just read what I wrote yesterday. Nice, exactly what I dread to write: something that sounds like a good wife and mother taking care of her baby and hubby (by the way I don’t call Pascal sweet names, I don’t like it).
I quickly took a look at Mikki’s blog and I am happy to see that she is still alive.
Ray seems to be the same and I will read again his blog when I have time.
I have been following Kim on Facebook and I am glad that she has eventually found a way to be happy and at peace.

The last time I wrote on this blog a long time ago I was in a situation that was quiet disturbing.

I had dated guys and every time things ended up quickly as I prayed for it to end if it was not right. Then Pascal came up. He fited everything I both dreamed of since I was about 10, what I wished for as an adult which made the situation quiet complicated as it was right what I knew would happen AND what I dreaded because it would be quiet and inextricable situation.

So one day (evening I should say) he felt something was not right and I had the hardest time saying this: we could not be intimate unless we were married. That was the end of it for me but he started sobbing and as I asked him why he was this way he said “I never met someone as honest”.

I was stunned. This was really not how things were supposed to turn out according to my experience of life.

We spent even more time together but there came a time when I knew I had to make this choice I did not want to make.
See, I have been excommunicated for breaking the law of chastity and not wanting to change my way. When I came back to the church I was not an 8 years old child, I knew what it would cost me to make this decision so to me there was no going back outside the church again. No matter how much I dislike the church (I love the gospel and my covenants) it was about a deal with God and not a matter of being accepted in a group (seriously who would want to be accepted by the mormons? They’re nuts!! If they like you it is time for you to get some help because you probably have something wrong.) therefore breaking the law of chastity was not an option in my mind. To top it all it was right the end of the time when my time of being watched to see if I would fall again in the same mistake was taking place.
Making this “bad” decision was like not only making fun of God but also making fun of the leaders of the church. I liked my bishop but even if I had not liked him I would still not have wanted him to feel like…oh well you get it.

But the thing was this:

Pascal has been married before. He lived with this woman for three years and he wanted to have a child. There was nothing he wanted more than that and she would always answer: no marriage no child. She already had a daughter and never married the father of Mélanie so I guess she had some good reasons this time. So they got married.
Then one day as they were having dinner with friends she just claimed that she did not want any more children. He was not prepared for it.

He thought that it was ok and that he would just be the best step-father he could for her daughter.

It went great for a while and then one day, after two years of being married she greated him with divorce papers telling him “you’re not the man I fell in love with anymore.”

They got a very fast divorce and as soon as it was over he asked his job to be transferred somewhere else (it is a big company with many sites) and this is when we met.

I really, really had the hardest time setting a similar pattern in our relationship.

Emotionally that was just horrible. I told him my reasons, I told him about the temple and how much I need it and all that my covenant represent to me. He knew from the start so I guess it was ok but I also felt very strongly prompted to make this choice to start a family with him even if it would mean so many things I did not want.

He very quickly promised me that we were going to get married.

I did not want to put pressure on him. I was ready to fight the leaders of the church if they put pressure on me concerning this state of things (considering where I came from). Fortunately I had a good bishop who, although was part of the council when I was excommunicated, understood the situation.

So here we are. I thought it would take something like 15 years and I was ready to wait but we got married over two weeks ago.

Looking back I know almost anything that I could be told about like: ” blah blah blah God’s path for you blah blah blah”. I know it is His path for me because if it were not then it would mean that I can follow my own and get away with it.

What disturbs me is what I felt, all that I have known for years before all this took place and what it means for the future.

 

Long time no writing and I am not sorry.

I knew I would come back to it this is why this time I did not close it down.
I needed a break off this blog to live for real and eventually to need it again.

My life had changed much and (I am so sorry for all of you either in our out the church who wished it were otherwise) I am still LDS.

Pascal and I got married a few days ago but that was only after having ANNE!

I don’t know if I like the path God has set me on. I think I like it because of its greatness but what I don’t like about it is how I am so much always on the verge of making the same old pride mistake.

I also decided to go back to see my therapist. I thought I could do for a while without her and I was right. It is just that some things came up that made this time much shorter than I hoped.

I wish I could write more but I have lost a lot of time today and I still have to exercise, sleep and clean a little our home before Pascal and Anne are back from work and day-care.

I guess I am going to add a new category called “family life” or something of the kind.IMG_1094 IMG_1095