Ditched on church?

I had a bad night and I have been in a state where I know I really won’t be able to handle relief society. I am trying really hard to calm down and find some good in it but the best I can do is try to have a better spirit about it. Since I came back to the church I wish I could tell my efforts have paid off. It seems to me that relief society is the basement of all misinterpretation and communication issues.

Ok I need to stop it. I just hate it and the best I can do is stop winning.

I am extremely disappointed because I meant to take a bus to go to sacrament meeting and the bus never came. So I just went back home and chilled out in front of my computer. Can I tell how much this is not sunday to me?

I have been reading the book of Job as part of my daily reading of the scripture. This is like getting hit in the face with a baseball bat. The story of this man is the absolute opposite to what I have been taught all my life in the church. This story is the absolute opposite to what I have heard all christians teaching about. So in case you wonder what I have been teaching wrong here is what I have been told/taught:

This guy is a good man, he is super faithful and stuff and is super wealthy. And then God and Satan decided to play what has always sounded to me like a twisted game to see if he remains as good. And then again no matter what his pains are and how much his friends try to change his faithful ways about God he still remains true to our Heavenly Father.
I really don’t know where this story was taken from but I am reaching chapter 30 and so far this story HAS NOT been taken from the book of Job.

I am just fascinated by what I read in this book because it feels to me I could have said each one of his words and I have heard each one of the words he is told by his good jew friends.

I also wonder about some of our leaders who quote Job in this manner I have mentioned just above, do they read the scriptures the same way they have read the book of Job? If so how scary. And if so how interesting also that God would have wanted me to go back to this church. This probably proves me right in what I feel about the gospel, the church, people winning about the church (or the relief society) either in or out. And if so this is also en evidence, a testimony, name it whatever you want, that we just don’t and can’t know what we call the truth. And I firmly believe there is much more to know than what we have already. So if we don’t know what we have I really can’t fathom what there is to know.

Maybe it is a good thing that I did not go to church this morning after all. This will enable me to read a little more from this book. I love this book. I think so far it is my favorite in all the scriptures we have.

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The temple and my B-day

It was hard to come back from the temple.

In Europe, since temples are so far, we often go there for several days most of the time we go for a whole week. we get there on Monday when the temple is closed and we leave on Saturday.

Almost everytime I went to the temple before I was excommunicated the experience was bad in one way or another. somehting would really spoil it. the first time….well it was the first time. When you’re 19 or 21 and you’re going for the first time it is the “first time”. I really regret I had to go there before going on a mission. I wish we had a choice.

So when I got to the temple I tried really hard not to yield to my old negative feelings and tried to let myself be surrounded by the spirit. It is true that you find in the temple what you came with.

After getting properly dressed as I climb the long series of stairs a feeling of unworthiness amost overcame me and made me feel like running away. I felt below dirt. I felt like I had nothing to do here. I realized that this could really not come outside but came from inside. I knew I was worthy to be there and that this feeling did not have a ground to stand on from a gospel aspect. I was able to acknowledge that this came from in me and that it has always been here and maybe will always be here. I understood that this was the button Satan likes to press on one way or another to weaken me. I prayed for these feeling to go away and it did but neither the pain though nor the memory of it, though. I was very troubled by it and I understand a little better how they are things God really can’t go against. We are the ones who can make it go away if we have the will, He can only provide the tools. If I had children I would teach them to use those tools.

During the session I kept on playing with my piercing out of being nervous. Yes, I had an all white piercing just for the temple :P. When the moment came when I was just about to leave the session to go to the Celestial room I realized that my fist was clenched which is not an habit for me at all. This was such a trial for to go though this again but I wanted it so bad and this time I knew how to make it right. I was much better prepared. I really wish I had not been endowed so young. I was worthy of it but absolutely not emotionally ready for it.

So at first I went only once a day cause it was already much for me later during the week I was able to attend it twice. And eventually I was able to slide in a little session just before going back to France.

I am ready to go back now. The temple was the last fear I had to overcome. I wanted to write right away about it but it was really too much emotions and I am getting shy about it. Yes I know it is very different from the beginning of my blog when I hid very little. Now I like to try to make it as cool as possible partly to make my ideas and sentences more clear. I know it also loses a little of its “taste” (I don’t know how to say it another way. I am sorry, I am French. I either had to make a reference to food or sex, what would you have liked better?) but it takes too much energy now to do it the way I used to.

I wish I could share some things about my temple experience. I wish I would truly understand what I want to express. I wish I’d stop intellectualizing everything 😛

Anyway, two days after coming back form the temple was my birthday. This means that it was yesterday. I a got a “what the duck”. I love it. I feel cool with it.

Rough times and blessings

I had never experience this cruel situation: when you’re doing so great that you want to shout it and you can’t because people around you are going through some horrible times. I have been blessed beyond measure and this is no joke.

My IR pictures made me get an 11 000 worth contract which will bring even more because a politician has asked me to document his next campaign. This means that I will go anywhere he goes and since he is a conservative AND a man with great influence and good reputation I am going to be around quiet influent people for about 8 months. When eventually a movie of my life is made because I will have become this big and influent photographer (jooooooooke) this event will definitely part of the legend because it really happened like in a movie.

I am also going to have an exhibition thanks to the same man and I am going to work on it this week end AND next week.

Next week? Oh yes, next week I am going to the temple for the first time since I came back to the church. I plan on going to a session in the morning and then taking pics the afternoon.

You must be going “WOW”. And yes I am to as I am typing those words even if it is already old news.

So what is so sad about it?

About two weeks ago I took this test to pass a level in Aïkido. after the class we found out that one of the participant had just lost his father of a very fast growing cancer that killed him in a week. He was to be buried two days after he told us the news. Then I called my former bishop about car pooling to Lyon for a stake activity when he told me that a member of our church had lost her husband the day before my budy’s father was buried. He had committed suicide.

I felt bad enough that this guy had lost his father so quickly and I was so sad for him and then, this member who has been one of the first person I have known in the ward lost her husband this way. It was just horrible. I could not stop crying for several days. I had never realized how much this sister was important to me. She is not that great sister in the ward that everybody loves because she is so special. It is just that we love her because she exists. I never thought I would cry that much for her. It was really for her because I have seen her husband at best twice in 16 years. I really did not know him but I know her. She is not my friend but she is important to me. She did not come at church the following sunday and I am glad she did not because she gave us a time to cry for her together. We did not have to act brave. She came to sunday after and this just killed me. I know I would not have been able to do that. And I did not know she mattered that much to me.