I guess it is not over

About ten days ago I got a friendship request on facebook from someone who was a friend of my mother years ago.
This disturbed me more than I thought it would and a lot more than I wish.
Let me explain to you what, why and what I came to realize. I guess it is a good thing that I do but I don’t like it.
This “friend” of my mother is a member of the church.
she married a good young man in the church.
they got three kids.
He cheated on her. He left the church. They got a divorce, she was left alone with three little kids and with no job.
“WOW” you must think, what a horrible situation.
Yep.
But here are some important details to take in account.
I was only 9 years old and she would tell me all about her husband’s lover and how much of a slut she was. Did I really need to know this when I was 9 years old?
She was not really pretty and this is not to be held against her but she was also the kind of woman who thought that looking a little prettier was not necessary and close to being wrong. She particularly liked the old fashioned Gs, the real love killers.
I am not saying that her husband was right at all. But there is always an explanation and one can’t be absolutely evil 100%. I am a grown up and I don’t swallow her vision of their story anymore.
You may think that this is not of my business and that I should not be angry at her but wait a second because the story is about to get ugly.
When all this happened to her and she was in this bad situation my mother and I were starting what we hoped to be a better life with her new husband. This was when my parents decided that I should be adopted. She being my mother’s friend of course my mother told her all about what was going on.
The thing was that to be adopted by my step father my bio father had to legally deny me. My mother knew he would not because he did not like paper stuff. So, to convince him she told him (I was there I remember it very well) that if he would deny me she could not ask for the child support he owed us and that he had never paid. He was so happy and gave his consent right away.
Latter this friend of my mother found a good guy with the same vision on life as hers (good for them).
Because of what my mother had told her, she went to her ex-husband and threatened him through child support so that he would deny his kids so her new husband could adopt them. The difference being that the child support he had to pay was really a heavy burden compared to what my bio father had to pay.
This makes me furious. She used MY story to steal children away from their father. He was not a bad man. He was a man whose marriage had wrecked because of his own fault but he was not a bad father. He was a responsible father (mine was not).
Of course, as if it had not been enough, when their youngest child was around 17 and wanted to be in touch with her bio dad she threatened her daughter not to pay for her to go to school if she’d try to talk to him.
When this woman asked me to add her in my friends list and I saw a picture of her in front of the temple with her husband I felt a sudden rise of anger and felt like throwing my membership out the window again. Don’t worry. I only felt like doing it, I did not really want to.
You should see what her 29 years old son has become. The closest answer to it is: nothing. She has castrated him and she did an awesome job.
Tell me how she manages to sleep at night? Tell me how she thinks that she is right? this is just out of my way to work and I really can’t imagine how she can deceive herself to this point. how is her mind/spirit/soul not telling her that she is NOT fooling God?
How can she believe that people are more stupid than her and don’t read through her? DANG!
I really want to tell her what I think of her but then I will only be mean and blah blah blah…
I actually want to be the meanest person on Earth when I think of this kind of person. And it is not right. I guess I just want to drop myself down to their level and it is stupid because it took me 32 years to get to this level LOL

The thing that I realized today about my bio dad because of all this is that it is not accurate to say that he abandoned me.
He “did” not. He “does it” everyday when he does not pic up the phone to know about me and this is the thing that I have a hard time forgiving. I can hear everything, I can hear how it is my mother’s fault (I doubt it is 100% her fault but I can listen to him pretending it) I can hear anything. What I cannot hear is this silence that tells me more about how much he does not care about me than all the years he was not there when I grew up. and it is the first time I can really say what hurts me about him.
I can understand or pretend to agree on anything about the past years but I cannot accept that he does not call me (he knows my name and I am in the white pages) now that it is all behind us.
And I want to cry because no matter how fucking awesome I can be it won’t change his view about me. I am nothing. Just a lost sperm in a vagina.
And I think this is partly what’s wrong about me and men.
Nobody has wanted me as a daughter.
My bio father “sold” me in one way and my adoptive father molested me, abused me psychologically/emotionally and eventually wanted to deny me also (fortunately, because it was an adoption the law forbids it).
I have the hardest time wanting to be loved by a man but of course in the mean time I want it.
And all my relationships have ended the same way: I am the one who dumps the other. Seeing a pattern anyone? The only good point is that I have dumped losers so far. It would be worse if they were only good guys. I am sparing the good ones from a heartbreak LOL

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less than a week ahead

I have less than a week ahead and I don’t have to go to work on friday.
I am entitled to three days off BEFORE the test because I work for the school system but I could not take them all. But I don’t have anything to complain about, it is a new thing, we did not use to have days off.
One day off and this day being the biggest of the week is already nice.

I am trying not to stress out. I just wish I really had nothing else to do but to prepare myself for this test but of course I have to go to the doctor tomorrow and then I have to run downtown for stupid paper thing concerning money I think I am entitled to have.

Oh I am dreaming of the day when I won’t need governmental help anymore. I am dreaming of having to pay income taxes. I will be happy to have to pay it.

My friends pay 4000€ a year for their income taxes. Of course this is a lot but at least they don’t have to worry about how to make ends meet and they can buy whatever they feel like buying. I don’t complain either, I have a little money aside but so many don’t.

Nope, not having to pay taxes is not always a good thing.

If I pass the CAPES I want to try the next test. It is very hard but if I fail it won’t be a lose, yet if I pass it will mean MORE money and LESS hours of work. This means more tithing and more time for other things like my calling as a ward missionary.
I know I am dreaming. First I need to PASS the CAPES.

I like it, I like it a lot

I heard it today in a song that I never really paid attention to in the past. It says “I am a Queen but not the shadow of a king”.
I like it, this is exactly what I think of myself and how I envision my life if I should get married.

France has been going through a bad storm and many people have found themselves without some basic things. I am so glad that we have been advised to have food storage. The area where I live is far from the area that is destroyed but I am thinking that in case my sister and I are almost set.
One funny thing though, I have been told by my housing company that our city is officially in a “flood risk” zone….
I live in a building on the top of a hill !!!!
The worse that could happen would be to be stuck at home. I am very curious to see what my city would be like if we had a flood. I really wonder where it could come from.
I guess I’d rather be safe than sorry.

I am tired

I wake up everyday with a migraine.
I asked today for a blessing about the CAPES and I was expecting something like: God has something else in store for you. I mean I was ready for anything. I am not asking for the CAPES specifically although it would mean something to me. I am asking for something to get me out of the financial situation I am in. and I kind of rather have a job that means something. Being a teacher does mean something to me. I know…I am an alien.
Well the blessing was totally in the direction I chose. I am afraid to hope and to be disappointed again. It is like a part of me is hoping and a part of me is afraid still.

So….Just to show God that this blessing was not wasted time even if I am still afraid I decide to act upon my blessing and do something that may be a little too early but I am going to create this special teacher account I wanted to create on msn if I’d pass.
the plan was to give the kids this email address to which they could write to in case of need for an explanation. I would also tell them that I’d be online from this time to this time just to answer to any of there question.

My other plan is also to get one of those cell phone plan to be able to call the US for free so as to call the Us durong class in case of need. This way would have been a way to show the kids that English is not just a school subject but something real that people can use daily.

I have tones of other ideas like this one. One that I am actually testing right now even if I am not a teacher and it is working good.

Anyway. Time for a little act of faith. MSN here I come.

Emotional terrorism

I remember once going to church when I was a child. I must have been between 7 and 10 years old.
There was a prolife campaigne against abortion where a fetus was exposed on advertisement boards. It was huge. I remember being deeply hurt by this picture.
I was violent. It felt to me like a personal attack because I was a child and it was a baby.
I remember feeling violently against those who had put this picture up there.
I think that my pro-choice position come partly from this feeling I had as a child.
It stills conveys much anger when I think about this memory but it increased with time because I am an adult today with adult feelings.
I try to keep it rational because nothing good comes out from a point of view rooted in emotions. So I won’t make any statement that could have been influenced by the feelings I have right now concerning the subject I have talked about before.
I just want to say that no matter what your point of view may be, you cannot be right by using emotional terrorism.
Thinking about this I develop an even deeper feeling of respect for Simone Veil.
How much violence! It makes me feel like throwing up. I am feeling angry against someone tonight whose point of view I share about abortion (as far as the US are concerned) but I cannot agree on the mean to try to make a point and I wonder how numb one can be to be able to put such a picture. And no you won’t see this picture. No you won’t have a link to this blog because I highly disapprove of this being displayed.

bad bad bad bad

I did something bad with money that I don’t even have….
I bought myself this baby.
But you need to understand that this is actually and investment.
See, I payed only 70€ for something that it currently worth 200€. Then when the next one comes out with an image stabilizer I will sell this one to buy the new one brand new. Even if I lose a little money I will have gotten a good lens to play with while I will have been waiting for the next one.

So this is preventing me from going insane and who knows, maybe I can take a really good pic and get some money out of it.

I know I should not have done this. But I really wanted it. and I know I am good with this kind of lense and I am tired of being frustrated all the time because I cannot buy this or I cannot buy that and all this because they won’t let me pass the fraking CAPES.

Yes I am a geek. I know, I need to stop watching BSG. But I will have to stop eventually because there are only 9 episodes left and then it will be over.
Humanity will probably be over.
No more BSG.
No more Adama and Roslin.
No more Starbuck.
*sigh*

Ray and Mikki…you really don’t have to comment on this you know. I am pathetic.