This is one of my stumbling block as well as for many but mine I think takes a special way to manifest itself.

I don’t get proud when I have things to feel above the “common people” I become proud as a way to protect myself like when I am hurt or low or whatever.
This leads me to be less open to the spirit which prevents spiritual growth which prevents being happier and so on.

The problem is to keep a healthy balance between living a normal life which implies living in this world and drawing closer to God which for me implies a kind of locking away from the “real” world (please not the quotes because sometimes one can really wonder what is real and is not without having to be too religious).

Right now I am feeling good because I don’t feel anymore that achieving my professional goal is out of reach (although not the simplest and easiest way I admit), I feel I am doing the right things and if I keep myself in check I know I’ll get divin support (best connection ever). But what when I have obstacles? How can I right now anticipate this behavior of mine I know I have when I am not on the top of the world (or think I am)?

Can a goal of mine not fail?

I have made an add on facebook for my other blog. I can’t put in too much money so I invest the smallest amount possible and it seems that it is bringing some fruits since people are saying that they like it. I mean not on my blog but on facebook.

Theeeeeeeeeen there is the fact that things are made a little easier to get a driving licence or I should say “cheaper” because it is the main obstacle for me right now and no car means no job specially concerning my goal.

My mother (for once) is being very effective in her support. I mean she tries to be supportive but she often more like another anoyance I have to deal with than real support.

I am just excited by the fact that things looks good from where I stand. I know it is easy to say this because I may not be aware of all the traps and difficulties but I just have an overall good feeling about it. Not that it is going to be easy, just that it could work.

Something fun eventually

I’ve treated myself because I think I’m worth it.

Here is what I bought.
I have made up my own log, own design and everything to see what their product looks like. Yep, it is for my little business thing. After all the kind words I have had about my pictures I think I deserve those profile cards, don’t I?

What I have done though is kind of a “mysterious” card. I have on it on one side the link for my blog and on the other side my job and my email. No phone number or adresse and it is on purpose.

The point is when I meet people and tell them about myself, if they want to see more this is liek a profile card as much as an add. they can go on my blog/site to come and if they like what they see (and they will) they can contact me to set an appointment for the pics.

It seems that the price I want to ask for my pictures is right. I think I can make it.
I also had another good idea for my business in order to stand out of the crowd of all the photograpers out there but I first need to check out if it is really realistic. I may think it is but I could be wrong.

Another big trip

I am going to Lebanon.
I am.
I bought my plane ticket already now I need to get a visa.
Someday I want to go to Israël too.

It seems that people enjoy my pictures VERY much which is encouraging so this trip is to see my grand mother as much as to take pictures for my other blog.
Sorry for most of you who don’t speak French yet there is very little to read and nothing that is really worth learning French.

Anyway This is going to be a wonderful trip no matter how things go. This trip has been decided since I was 6 or 7 and I am almost the last of the grand children to go. It is a shame.

I wish I had something inspiring to write about but I feel really low these days. I am reading my scriptures and doing what I should and I feel the presence of the Spirit but not enough to write something inspired or inspiring. No new insights. I can really tell that from reading the new testament I understand so many things much better that helps me understand not only Jesus but God also. Not that I really understand Him. It is more like I see a patern in things He does or doesn’t and it sets enven deeper in me the beliefe that we are up for a FAT surprise if we decide that what we hold to be true is all there is to know.
The more I read the bible the more I think that we know everything we need to DO, not everything there is to KNOW. It feels to me like we have been given a rough sketch of how and why but definitely not the details. The reason is probably because when seeing how people “great” the news of the plan of salvation there is little chance even the most enlighted souls would not have at least a hard time with.

I don’t care really what the big surprise is going to be like.

I love God and I am trying to match my love for Him to the love He has for me and that’s all I really care about. The rest for me, at the present time, is only details.
Although I am sure it won’t be “details” for me when I am on the other side.

Working on changing my career path

Things are very different in France and in the US. You don’t change your career path the way you do in the US.

Let me give you an example of what you have to face in France.

A friend of mine in high school had a very smart and educated father. He had two master degrees in fields that were different but linked to each other since one was in computer enginering and the other one in mathematics I think.
When he applied to a job the guy in front of him asked him what he had a master in.
So the father answered that he had two master degrees and indicated the fields he had them in.
To which the man asked again “yes but…what did you graduate in?”
And the conversation went on this way for a few minutes.
The father did not get the job because the guy could not figure out what the man had a degree in.

I know I have a talent for photography but I also know I need to learn a lot more before I can really settle as a professional. I mean I have seen professionals doing pictures of lesser quality than mine but this is not what I am aiming at. So I have decided to work on learning and progressing but I just anticipate and dread the lack of “out of the box” thinking that I am going to encounter from the administration which will make possible or not for me or not to achieve my goal.

Feeling a little low tonight can you tell?

Too late to change my mind

I have called my grand-mother to tell her that I was coming to Lebanon this October.
Too late to change my mind now it would kill her I think.
When I told her I was coming there was like a very short blank and I think it felt like a mountain had fallen on her head and then when she really understood what I told her the first thing she said was “is it really true?” I thought she was going to cry and I would have felt really embarrassed.

It hurts me to talk to my grandma for the many reasons that I have explained before.
I am so sorry for her.

When my mother pretended to be a christian when did she think the atonement meant?
I know my grand-mother understands it.

Belle and her son

Just when I came back from my seminar I went to see Belle.

I have still not figured out what was/is the best way to react.

I have told you before about her but let me re-state the situation.

Good mormon mommy.
Living way in the country side in a so remoted place that there were only dirt roads to get to her place. Closer neighbors: in laws.
Even internet ahd a hard time getting through.
5 boys one having down syndrome.

Many of us saw it coming but it seems that neither her nor her husband (let alone her in laws who are at the heart of the issue) were open about discussing the problem which is absolutely understandable and yet this would have avoided the drama.

Anyway Belle is leaving it all.

Of course there were wrong choices made. And I see clearly now what everybody sensed or thought as I did.

The problem is that some of those choices have consequences and will have more for the next generation. How to make her understand that part of the drama comes from her and that she is at the heart of the problem WITHOUT being guilty of anything?
Here is an example that did not take place in front of me but the kind of thing that happens daily in her life:
She comes with heavy pans to put on the table with the meal for a family of seven. She then sits because she is tired after such long day of cleaning and cooking and ironing and so on for the whole family and then realizes that she has forgotten to brin some water on the table.
Of course she’ll get frustrated that nobody thought about just bringing some water when she has done everything for them today and will express her frustration. To which her going 16 boy will answer with contaimpt saying that it is not his job and that SHE can do it and thata there is no way this is going to be his job.

I thought I was going to slap him.

I saw that she was encouraging me to do so but I would have done more than this, I could have destroyed him with a few sentences and this would not have been good.

I can’t believe she lets her son talk to her and about her this way.

And yes, this is the problem.

She has let her husband and her father in law and her son treat her this way. In the end she is rejecting everything and anything slightly linked to all of them (gospel included) when the problem is how she agrees to be talked to and deep inside her self esteem.

I feel sick to my stomach when I think of what I have witnessed.

One of the thing that put her off also is that she does not appreciate our new RS president (the one I love)…well…this is the thing that she has not understood. what she does not like about her is exactly what she lacks and what she needs to learn.

M-E (our RS president) is someone who has understood very young that no man would treat her the way Belle has been treated. Same as what I have understood same as my sister has understood. Yes, our RS president is very blunt, sometimes she needs to soften her way to say things which is exactly my problem! But she won’t let anyone step on her toes because she knows she deserve respect and she makes sure people show her what she deserves.

How to make Belle understand that she won’t solve her issue by running away but by getting some guts and telling men to frak off when they need to hear it?

Oh and don’t missunderstand me. It is not a post directed at men. It is just that she is very able to tell women to go to h*** when she is just this suffering shy little thing when addressing to men.

I am back home and more

First of all I would like to introduce you to the first French LDS website not made by the church. Really a good one.
I know Mikki and Ray don’t speak French but in case you two meat anyone wanting to know more about the church and being French speaking…

Now concerning my Aïkido seminar.
It was really good. I have learned a lot. Well, not really. It is not so much what I have learned because I can’t really remember anything but the fact that I was able to progress as much as I would in one year and maybe more.
Tamura Sensei is physically amazing. He is 75, he is not taller than I am and definitely skinnier…and you should see him throwing big guys on the floor. This is the most vivid example of how much strength is NOT necessary in Aïkido.
I was called “crazy” for coming to this seminar because I have been practicing Aïkido for only 6 months (not even since the last month was vacation already). Everybody said that they would have never dared to come after so little time for fear of being ridiculous.
Do you know any better way to progres? Do you?
Plus, it turned out that they did not make the difference between me and someone who has been practicing for a full year or more. So I am right to think that it was definietly the place to be at for me.
The end of the seminar was a little spoiled for me by the attitude of other people but I know how to prevent this from happening next time.
I found out that there are three important seminar during the summer So I have decided to go to the last one next year since it is only 15 miles from where my family lives. I’ll be able to stay with them and take a bus to the seminar. Thus killing two birds with one shot.

I have taken a lot of very good pictures. I am extremly proud of myself. Yep. I think I can progress to a professionnal level:)

Oh and we had a B-day Dinner for all the B-days just yesterday. I got a brand new printer that is probably going to make things a little easier for me after this school year is over and I have to print things to find jobs.

On the whole I had a great time but I am barely catching back on my lack of sleep.

I have a lot more to write about but it would take too long and I still need to ponder about it and organize my thoughts. I just wanted to write a little to tell you that I am back and still alive.