The bus

A few weeks ago I ditched church. Looking back I honestly believe this is one of those situation when I was probably better at home than at church. You know like a kid you ground because he/she has a bad attitude with the other kids.

This morning I ditched on RS. Or I should say I wanted to ditch on RS. I wonder if my feelings will ever change about this organization…oh well my feelings is not the point of my post. I left late and I saw the bus coming down the hill. I thought there was no point trying to catch it since on sunday it usually goes straight down the hill but I felt the spirit urging me to run.

I did not.

Then I saw the bus had actually stopped. I thought I should have run to catch it. Then  the bus did not leave, this is when I understood I really needed to run to catch it. And I did.

So I arrived for RS late and…and…and…and there was not RS.

What the heck?

There were few sisters and they had just slipped into quality chating instead of doing RS. I was surprised to here that my lesson last week has been apreciated. It was THE very subject I did not want to teach about. I thought the lesson in the manual just sucked and I was not going to put up with the stupidities I had been raised on that we keep on hearing (by the way the lesson was number 39 about the law of chastity).

What I did (which seems to have been lived by most of the sisters) was to start off by writting three things on the black board I did not want to hear:

The world

Happiness (and all the substitutes)


I had a blank to start with for like 5 minutes. It was funny. The sisters were totally taken aback. You should have seen their mouth opening and no sound coming out of it. But what I think was actually cute is that they all tried it and even if one “failed” they all had consideration for my rule and did their best to follow it.

We finally ended up only discussing sexual education of children which is a subject we mostly all agree on.

Some sisters were rude last week. Like really really rude during my lesson. I thought, I believed firmly, I was the only one thinking they were rude. I was sure the other sisters thought it was okay to behave like they did because their motivation was about the gospel.


I found out today that the other sisters mainly thought it was rude too and that they had no good excuse for behaving this way.

I am happy I caught the bus this morning.

(I don’t know what went wrong when I typed this post, a paragraph is bold when I have not done anything purposely to have it this way and it seems that nothing can be done to change it)

turning a page

I am going to ask to be released from the nursery. I just feel tired and I don’t have the feeling that I am going anywhere with this calling anymore. I know that when I am tired (no matter what level) you can tell me the most simple thing I just won’t get it.
I just know that I will be back there someday but ti is ok. I am fine with going back to the task it is just that now it is pointless for me to have this calling.

I feel a little sad but in the mean time I need to go to RS and Sunday school. I have not been there since I was re-baptized, it is kind of crazy. I should say that the first thing I wanted was to serve and to be put to the task, so it is not like I have been forced into it.

I also hope to get new insight and new inspiration for this blog because I am totally slacking off.

A talk on a subject I loath

“listen to your leaders”

What an aweful subject.
I don’t believe in listening to our leaders. I don’t believe in what they say.
Rather I believe in God and I want to listen to what He has to say.
And I understand that He set up something to make communication easier between Him and us. This is also a way to grow in many different aspect.

So my talk went about this way:
Soemtimes we believe that our leaders are up to no good and that we could do better than them.
And the horrible truth is that we are right!

We could do better than them and it is pretty much why we were not called to this position.

In Aïkido there is Uké and Tori.
Tori is the one doing the exercise. Uke is the one lending his/her body so tori can progress. No Uke no progression. And very often Uké is going to hurt because Tori messed it up.
But we take turn. Tori is not always the same person and Uké is not always the same person either. Sometimes I am the one doing the exercise and progressing and sometimes I lend my body.
Yet, Uke is not passive because a smart Uke will learn from a good or a bad Tori.

It goes the same way in the church.

When we sustain people it is not just moving an arm up. It is a vow to not only let the person fulfil his/her calling the way she/he thinks fit but also an agreement to be Uke knowing that we may get hurt in the process. We lend our lives and we give some time to the person called for his/her progression.

Last summer during my Aïkido seminar I felt even more grateful toward the Uke I met who had been doing Aïkido for sometimes 50 years. I have learned so much with them. Sometimes I would find them after the class and even if I had thanked them on the Tatami I needed to tell them thank you again. Because I never understood what I was doing even if I was supposed to be the Tori, but they always not only lent me their body but they also gave me a few minutes out of the time when they could have learned themself with someone better than me.

Same goes with church leaders.

It does not matter if we are better than them. Or rather it does matter but then what do we do?
Am I better than my bishop and is it a shame that I’ll never be called as a bishop?
But then if I think so don’t I have the duty to help Him grow and improve? Isn’t it one of the htree mission of the church I pretend to belong to?

And maybe I am wrong. Sometimes we feel so smart as Uke. Thinking that we understood everything perfectly and we are eager to show our partner what are the correct movements because we just understood it all.
And then when it is our turn most of the time we really make a fool of ourself because although we think we have done it close to perfectly the master comes and correct almost every movement we have done because what we have done may have looked good on the Tatami but it is pretty much dangerous for ourself in the real life.
Same thing in this life.

This is a Tatami life and we are all doing Aïkido. But someday the class will be over.
Will we run to others wanting to thank them for helping us progressing?

I remember one of them reeally looking at me as if I were weird and telling me something like he would not have imagine this seminar any other way.

Listening to our leaders is not about being submissive to idiots.
It is about listening to God’s communicating with us. and when the communication does not go through and we know it is not our fault THEN listening to our leaders is a matter of love, of deap and true love for them because it is the only way they can progress. We are Uke, they are Tori. They can’t progress if we don’t lend our lives and if we don’t tell them with all the love we are able to show, how they can progress.

Back ten years ago

I am not complaining.
I have always wanted to serve God but my mind/spirit has always been cluttered by a bunch of other things that hurt me and eventually lead me to live another life.
When it got really rough during my time out of the church I would remember how on my mission I was deeply moved by one of the song of Julie De Azevedo “masterpiece”.
When I heard it on my mission it would take me much strength not to cry because this is what I wanted. This was put in the right words what I really wanted. So when I was excommunicated I would feel angry and bitter when this song would come back to my mind.
As I have said before, when I was excommunicated I felt strongly the spirit telling me that it was ok. That God was sad and sorry for the path that had lead me to this point and that it was definitely what he had in store for me at first.
This was why I would be angry when I would remember this song and the feeling it had conveyed. He knew I had been sincere, He knew that I could not endure some things and yet had let it happen still.
I am not angry at all anymore. I just wanted to say this so you’d understand.
Ten years ago I so wanted to serve him and I knew I was screwing up almost everything I was doing. Nope, sister missionary are not better than elders.
Anyway, ten years ago I had a companion I could work with. I did not feel alone.
Now I do and I am scared.
I have realized that I am the only one Belle will talk to because she expects me to agree with everything she says or do because she sees me as a rebel.
This is true, I am. but only because I firmly believe this or that not because I have to rebel. I am a rebel to men, not to God.
I understand that I have the potential to have her keep a window open in case she wants to come back and that being the only one she trusts I am the only one who can do this. I feel like when I was on my mission. I don’t want to decline the responsibility but I know I have the power to screw it up beautifully and I am afraid of this.
She is behaving such like a child, I understand that she would not want phone calls from the older sisters in the ward because she must think that they, having knowing her for like 20 years or so, must be judging her (which could not be further from the truth) but the youngest sisters should be like white pages to her. This is why I feel alone.
I opened up to my lovely-sweet-close to perfection(I am kidding on the last one) RS president and expressed to her how I feel. She told me I am not alone and that she can be here for me. I know she is sincere and I know she is capable of much. I trust her and feel better. She said exactly what I needed to hear and they were not just words. I feel like she is my companion in this case and it makes me feel good.
But I am still the only one in the front row and it makes me nervous. Like very nervous.

Sometimes I really wish I had not been sent to the US. Sometimes I wish I had been sent to a country where things had been easier culturally so that I could have focus more on the work and less on trying to make myself understood or on understanding what was going on.

I am glad I went my mission to the US because I have been able to grow in ways that I would have not been able to elsewhere I think but I get also pissed off when I think about the work I have spoiled/missed/failed in. I don’t know, maybe I would have then be too self confident and would totally lack something that I must have because of my lack of current self confidence concerning this case. You know how life and human nature can be very ironic.

1 year and 1 day

I have kept this blog for one year and one day.
I have slowed down on my writing because I don’t feel like writing just for the sake of it.
There are many things I still want to share but sometimes I wonder if it is really worth passing on to the next generation since this blog is pretty much my diary (definitely an open one).
I feel both happy and sad.
Sad because I am longing for a spiritual experience as powerful as what I have experienced a year ago but I am also happy because so far I have done good enough so that I’d be where I was hoping to be a year ago without having to betray myself.
I am not against changing my attitude about certain things or certain events but I want this change to come from within not from outside.

I feel blessed really beyond measure already in fields that are essential for my own balance and I know I am going to be granted the blessings I ask for.
Right now it is this fraking CAPES (yes, “frak” does exist Ray) that I need the most but the thing I did not ask for and I am granted is to enjoy my calling. I am not going to say that I love it because it is not about the calling it is more about the kids.
Matthias is exactly the kind of little boy I want. I want a son like this, Heavenly Father. I don’t want children I want a Matthias. He is my pet and I am trying not to show it too much but it is hard.
Yesterday his mother had dressed him up into a real little man with a gorgeous tie and a jacket that matched his tie but he kept on messing up with it because he wanted to show me his missionary tag. No, I am not talking about the child little tag that you can get I talking about a REAL tag. His father’s tag 🙂
He and his brother had gotten to wear it yesterday and he was just in seventh Heaven because of it. This kid speaks so well and is so articulate for a three years old little boy. we can have real discussions. I don’t think I can go as deep as if he were an adult but I can talk with him about almost any subject like with a grown up.
Adam is just about to become also one of my favorite. Adam is…what is Adam? Adam is just Adam. He almost doe not speak (he is also much younger) but he has such expressive looks it is amazing, you can understand everything through his eyes. And if really you don’t get it then he show you. What amazes me is that although he is very young (19 or 20 months) he goes and brings children in when they don’t want to come. I can always count on him. It is not like a game for him. You can tell it is important. I tell him something such as “Adam, X does not feel like coming in, could help me please?” and I can be sure that Adam will tackle him and carry him if it is what it takes! Yet he is gentle. He will gently tackle them.
There is also Josua who is much more shy but I must say that the nursery without him feels not whole.
And I am going to have 2 to 3 more kids in a week or so.
There will be David and Elsa. Elsa is not a girl. I mean she is biologically a girl and I know her mother wishes the cute little dresses she makes her wear would change something because the problem (only for her mother) is that Elsa is really a handful and has nothing to fear the boys about!
I can’t wait to see what it is going to be like with her in.
I still don’t like children or my calling but I do love these kids and when I have a hard time waking up for church there are the exciting thought I turn to for a little motivation.

I am a geek and I am proud of it

I woke up at 3.45 am to watch BSG online.
I want to make an effort not to download anymore when I can avoid it.
Hey! I only (almost) download what I really cannot have in France such as BSG.

The last episode was…stunning. You could watch it without having ever watch one single episode of this show because this episode (like the writers have done before) was more about a “subject” than about the show. and the subject is FREE AGENCY.


I think that if I should ever be called as sunday school teacher I will just pull out this episode if I should ever have to teach a lesson about this subject.
The only concern I have is that this has been kind of done before in the 70s’ or 80s’ in the US…LOL

Then later in the morning my visiting teachers came and it was good.

I knew one of them from the time I was in primary in Paris (500km from where I live now which in France is culturally the distance between Chicago and SLC). I was friend with her brother (now inactive), we were not really friend because she was much younger than me.
Anyway I did not know her as an adult. When I was told that she would be in our ward and told this to my mother she told me that the had been told (notice how many times something has been “told”) that she did not have an easy temper to deal with.
When I was told about how she was supposed to be I thought that I would like her because at least she sounded like someone who would really speak her mind and therefore someone you could say “no” to instead of wavering between two confused and confusing possibilities (oh I hate that!).
Well, well, well….
I don’t like her.
She is indeed someone who speaks her mind, so am I.
She is also a woman who managed (I don’t know how) to be a full time mom, a teacher (science in junior high), the RS president councelor…
I have had her daughter and now I have her son in nursery and I can tell you that she and her husband are GREAT parents. They are examples.
they have managed to succeed what 99% of parents fail. Of course failing does not mean that you’re going to be bad as a mother or a father but since 99% fail it then takes special talent to be the best mother/father possible.
The trick they managed to succeed is the “frame”.
their kids have a structure, a “frame” in which they are allowed to express themselves fully but the frame is not movable and you cannot destroy it. It is a sane one based on simple things structured and gospel oriented.
I think that one of the strength of it is that the children also know that their parents could go out of the frame but they don’t. They show the example by respecting the frame.
They are also as one when it come to children (they have been married for 7 years). One can says anything and know that not a word, not a breath will come out of the other’s mouth to oppose.
Their daughter has a “strong” personality that her primary teacher is not comfortable with. I am comfortable with her because she is not hard or disobedient. She is just herself and very balanced. It is just that you have to accept that she is not going to stay on her chair staring blankly at you because she has been threatened by her parents in case she does not behave (sorry, I have seen many parents using terror instead of authority). the problem is that you have to have a stronger temper than hers and if you are weak yourself or not sure about your position as a normal and balance child she will just slide in the crack.
It does not mean that she will be mean but she will just not pay attention to you.
I love her.
And her little brother is great.
He is about the same but he is a little easier.
It is kind of hard to actually explain why or what I mean because I feel like I am saying that this sister is very permissive and just shows “a good example”. This is not just what her teaching is about. she is all about teaching, meaning, living…If you understand what I mean. Imagine the perfect example of the perfect mother and father for toddlers and you’ll have an idea.
I know she is not perfect and I know she will make mistake as a mother like all mothers do. But the difference is that she and her husband are giving right now they keys to their children to overcome the mistakes they will make as parents. It is pretty impressive.

I will talk another day about what we shared with her concerning this month’s message. It was good too but now is time for bed since I had a messed up night due to my BSG addiction.

The elders

My sister and I took the elders out yesterday evening. It was fun.
We took them to a place where you eat some real traditional french food that I did not even know before I went there last year.
It was fun and good and of course since it was Saturday night, although we were alone at first we were quickly surrounded by a lot of people, it is always good for missionary work to have a big missionary in a crowded place. LOL

The two elders we have are good and I am glad we have those two. But the more I listen to them the more I worry about myself as a missionary. I also was told some really sad and horrible story that happened during my mission and I wonder how I never was aware of it. I must really have lived in the wonderful world of Mickey Mouse despite all my struggle and family concerns. Now I understand why my mission president seemed to like me so much (as well as the other missionaries), this poor man must have spent sleepless nights crying. comparing to some of the missionaries, me staying in the field despite my mother running away from home with my sisters all the abuse story blowing up during my mission (of course for Xmas) must have look like a tremendous act of faith when it was not really. It was just that I could not fathom going back home. It was not so much faith as it was either good brainwashing or good determination. I must also say that I had a testimony that I ought to go on a mission right at this moment and not latter and that I had spent my youth (childhood and teen age period) dreaming of serving a mission. There was therefore no way I could go back home.
Anyway I am glad that the expectation from future missionaries have been raised because when I think about the story I was told this week I wonder how much damages these people have done to the church that will take a lot of good missionaries to mend.

It is getting easier

Weird how things, how the slightest thing, sounded like huge to do and how things are so much easier now.

I know that I have spent years in a “pre” depressive state but it can’t explain it all.

I called a sister in my ward today.
She has a hard time coming to church and nobody can blame her. She tries hard to come but she is one of these situation where breathing is almost a miracle.
Anyway this young sister has had a tumor removed from her skin. It was big but in the end it turned out not to be cancerous.
We heard about it in RS only once everything was over and last sunday I was told by the elders that she was sad that nobody from church asked about her health. But we just did not know.
So I called her. She is not my best friend. She is not even my friend. We have no common taste and I often have some difficulties to understand her when she speaks because she belongs to this “lower” class who does not bother articulte words.
But I admire her.
She has these two little kids and a husband who is a handfull to deal with but she still does her best to come to church and when she does one can tell that she is trying to get filled spiritually and emotionally with any tiny bit of whatever she will get.
She is not like a leech who will just suck our strength and energy out. She just seems to be drinking from all of us.
I wish I could do something for her. I guess calling her is good already but I wish I could do more.

How did it start?

I just got my…..
MY WII !!!!
I am having so much fun
It does not sound liek something too profound to talk about but give me a minute or two and it will be.

I was set apart yesterday as a ward missionary.
During our meeting with the missionaries we talked about two Chinese girls who were interested in the gospel and then suddenly all cold out. We’re thinking to stop trying to have the missionaries teach them and be their friends instead.
The ward mission leader has a little problem with reality and thinks that a 32 years old woman can just get along with two Chinese “almost” teenagers. I hate when people do that. He got “the look” from me.
But I think that my sweet little sister (who is about their age) could do great if I’d invite them over for crêpes and a wii night. The wii is a great thing to have fun and break the ice. I have experienced it before.
Nintendo and the gospel can be terrific together. What do you think about it? Do you think I should write a post for Mormon Matters about Nintendo?
Somethimes they get so carried away with some ideas that I think that Nintendo could just fit in.

Talking about the gospel I get a little bothered by people’s expectation from the law of tithing.
I want to obey this law just becauise I am asked to and because it is a hard one for me right now. this is what is fun for me: do something that is so hard.
If I get blessings FOR OBEYING THIS LAW then it is not hard anymore, there is no stretch and no learning.
I agree with getting blessings when I have been obedient but I don’t want MONEY like most members seem to talk about. I want to progress not get money!
I mean money is great. thank you. But I don’t want to get money back when I give my money. It makes no sense. Then tithing is just about investment and in this case I want to say that buying stocks is probably a better idea.

I would love to pass the CAPES but if I should pass because I paid my tithing it would start making the gospel about materialistic things and I don’t want that.

Father, bless me with the CAPES for my service as a ward missionary if You will but not because I am paying tithing. Actually I think that I like not to be blessed for this commandment at all. But it is not as if I could tell Him what is better for me. And on another hand if I pass the CAPES I will get three times what I am making and i will be able to pay three times as much tithing…..maybe He can bless me for that after all.

I hear you laughing.

Only 3

I only have three callings now.
I am so glad that I can’t be called as a bishop. Thank God for the priesthood being only given to men and not to us.
Brothers keep it!
Because the day we can have it (hopefully never) someone will figure out that we can just do it all and then you’ll have it easy while we’ll have it all.

Guess who’s been called to ward missionary?

But the things is that I felt it the same way I felt when I was called to the nursery and this is really telling me something.

So there is the nursery calling and then I have a “calling” that the bishop consider one but that I don’t because I just have not been set apart for it or sustained and because there is nothing about it in the church which “ward photographer”. I am just in charge of taking the pics for church activity and pictures of the families for the ward history.
A few weeks ago I was given a talk about another talk from G.B.Hinkley. I did shake a little of the dust and crossed some members (which was not my intend) after which the bishop’s councelor wanted to give me talks every sunday of the week for the coming year. I must say that this talk was for me almost more than for the members because I talked about a lot of things that I knew were right and that I did not do. This was wrong in this way that the reason I knew I should be doing it is because I served a mission myself when most members in my ward have not. I felt I was really under “condemnation” not in the hard way but in the way that I knew I had to kick my butt to start changing it.

In the mean time D&C 4 kept coming back to my mind and I started growing a desire to serve again but going on a mission again would not be the smartest thing to do for several reasons.

When the bishop came to me after sacrament meeting and told me he wanted to talk to me I knew he wanted to call me as a ward missionary and I tried to tell myself that I could not “feel” things and be right everytime.
then his first counselor put his hand on my shoulder and asked me if I knew that the bishop wanted to see me and there was nothing about the way he said it but I knew I was right. Oh yes, his counselor is also the ward mission leader and a good one.
I think I know the feeling now. It is not like when I feel the spirit telling me that this is right or this is wrong.
It is like there is the Spirit of God teaching me things when I need to be taught and there are times when it seems that it is my spirit that is in tune with higher purposes not in this way that I have any kind of influence on it but in this way that I know things.

I hope I can teach this to my children someday. And if I can’t ever at least I hope that someone will read this and understand the difference I am talking about.