I need to stop thinking that I am bad at managing my own life. I always think that people are better than me at finding happiness and solutions.
I talked before about this teacher who destroyed a part of me and how much when I understood how what I already knew had worked I really wanted to kill her.
I eventually found her professional email address two or three weeks ago. She is still working (which is a wonder) and has become a school director.
As a school director she is a federal worker (like a teacher) and therefore her professional email address is public propriety as it has been issued by the government. Of course her personal emails are private even if she is a federal worker. We are a socialist country but not crazy yet.
So I wrote to her knowing it was her and ready for the fight. I was ready for anything but what happened yesterday as a I got an answer.
I was ready for her to deny what had happened. I was ready for her honestly not remembering what she had done as her brain may have erased it but what I got was an aggressive email stinking with guilt and the stupidest (not insult intended here) way to betray herself.
The tone of her mail was the woman I remembered and the content of it just gave me the image of a woman I had not imagined a second.
I had in this mail a woman crippled with guilt and bitterness.
Those past 29 years I have tried to survive her at school and then in my professional attempts when she has tried to survive herself. I can tell that for those past 29 years she has feared me and probably other former student as I know she has probably been this way with other children.
I was ready to fight my monster when she turned out to be a crippled little squirming and screaming thing. Nothing to fear just someone to take pity on and even to love if she allows it.
But as she has become this tiny little thing her heart has shrink too and it feels that what I have to offer is too much for her.
I feel sorry, so sorry because not only has she not changed but she has gone even further down from my memory and what I expected.
I guess I ought to preserve my strength for myself and other’s who might need the help I wish I could bring her but that I know she will refuse as I don’t feel as powerful as I was 15 years ago. I guess it is also a matter of timing. I did not have the words 15 years ago to explain some things to a therapist as I thought that all my failures were my fault and only mine and that any explanation was just a lame excuse.
I need to be kinder with myself. I thought I had gone far already on the path of kindness toward myself but I am finding out that I am still long way from where I should be.
I need to get back to the subject of my post. I am always trying hard to keep in line as I know it is quiet unpleasant for normal people to read something going to 20 different directions at one time. Great I am doing it again.
Anyway when the vision of what she is came to me it felt like all my weapons vanished because it was useless.
I answered back her questions and I know she won’t answer because she has a narrow tiny little mind and imagination and would never understand what is going on in my life and my mind and it is ok.
I will still work on the plan I had as a “revenge” but not as a “revenge” anymore but because it is a good idea of a movie and because it could create job opportunities and eventually because it could turn into a lasting progress for myself.