the biggest lesson in a long time


I need to stop thinking that I am bad at managing my own life. I always think that people are better than me at finding happiness and solutions.

I talked before about this teacher who destroyed a part of me and how much when I understood how what I already knew had worked I really wanted to kill her.

I eventually found her professional email address two or three weeks ago. She is still working (which is a wonder) and has become a school director.
As a school director she is a federal worker (like a teacher) and therefore her professional email address is public propriety as it has been issued by the government. Of course her personal emails are private even if she is a federal worker. We are a socialist country but not crazy yet.

So I wrote to her knowing it was her and ready for the fight. I was ready for anything but what happened yesterday as a I got an answer.
I was ready for her to deny what had happened. I was ready for her honestly not remembering what she had done as her brain may have erased it but what I got was an aggressive email stinking with guilt and the stupidest (not insult intended here) way to betray herself.

The tone of her mail was the woman I remembered and the content of it just gave me the image of a woman I had not imagined a second.
I had in this mail a woman crippled with guilt and bitterness.

Those past 29 years I have tried to survive her at school and then in my professional attempts when she has tried to survive herself. I can tell that for those past 29 years she has feared me and probably other former student as I know she has probably been this way with other children.
I was ready to fight my monster when she turned out to be a crippled little squirming and screaming  thing. Nothing to fear just someone to take pity on and even to love if she allows it.
But as she has become this tiny little thing her heart has shrink too and it feels that what I have to offer is too much for her.
I feel sorry, so sorry because not only has she not changed but she has gone even further down from my memory and what I expected.
I guess I ought to preserve my strength for myself and other’s who might need the help I wish I could bring her but that I know she will refuse as I don’t feel as powerful as I was 15 years ago. I guess it is also a matter of timing. I did not have the words 15 years ago to explain some things to a therapist as I thought that all my failures were my fault and only mine and that any explanation was just a lame excuse.
I need to be kinder with myself. I thought I had gone far already on the path of kindness toward myself but I am finding out that I am still long way from where I should be.
I need to get back to the subject of my post. I am always trying hard to keep in line as I know it is quiet unpleasant for normal people to read something going to 20 different directions at one time. Great I am doing it again.

Anyway when the vision of what she is came to me it felt like all my weapons vanished because it was useless.

I answered back her questions and I know she won’t answer because she has a narrow tiny little mind and imagination and would never understand what is going on in my life and my mind and it is ok.
I will still work on the plan I had as a “revenge” but not as a “revenge” anymore but because it is a good idea of a movie and because it could create job opportunities and eventually because it could turn into a lasting progress for myself.

My bishop’s wife

This woman is not my friend and will never be. Neither in the French meaning of it nor even in the American meaning of it (yes there is a difference).
I have made it clear to her several times because in the mormon culture in France that we try to pattern according to our understanding of American culture everybody is everybody’s friend and everybody loves ever and everybody should endure everybody to the point of insanity.
So this woman is not my friend, we have nothing in common, we have no taste in common, we have no point of view in common and I have no desire to make it change.

There is something that I appreciate about her it is that we are clear on the feelings we have for each other and it makes communication so much easier and so much clearer. I don’t mean that I don’t like her. I just don’t feel any duty toward her because she is LDS and me too (unlike the mormon culture expects us to have for each other, in France at least).

You need to know that this woman is really the kind of woman I did not want to become. She has 5 kids and wants more, she has no education and may say something smart and then the light will go off in her eyes and will become one of the stupidest creature on Earth.

About ten days ago at church she expressed how much she would like to graduate from high school and is planing on doing it with her children by studying with them. She then said that she thinks she has dyslexia and when she said this it “clicked” in my mind as very often over effective brain ARE indeed linked to some “dys” of any kind. Then she said how she feels when she reads something and this was soooooo not dyslexia and so much one of the symptoms of having a higher IQ. You need to know that she, like me, in our present times would have be considered children in danger and would be taken away from our parents. But when we were children, even if adults knew it was not right to be treated the way we were, people over looked it saying “what can we do?” although the structure existed people were reluctant about calling those services that were thought to be only for extreme situations.
Anyway I got beyond mad about what she described. She talked again about this thing she told me before of how one of her teacher broke her finger when she was 9 and her parents did…nothing.

Long story short she is definitely like me and will go see my therapist which I am thrilled about.

I told her tat I don’t “love her” but that what I was telling her was as a sister in an eternal sense not in a human way and we talked for a very long time about how she felt and reacted. I listen to her talk the following sunday and when I asked her some questions I knew the answers already.

What pisses me off beyond words is that I have been LUCKY to get a chance to have access to my abilities BEFORE I was told I was crazy and not normal and lazy and stupid. So the therapist is helping me reconnect with this but my bishop’s wife never got this chance. She has been crushed before getting a glimpse of what she could really do.

Before we went in deep conversation I talked to my bishop about the therapist. since the church is paying for it he wanted to know how I am doing and I explained to him how I have progressed and what this therapy is helping me with and how much.
I drew him a sketch of how “normal” brains work and how MY brain works (and his also by the way but I did not want to go into this right at this moment). He understood it very well so when I told him about the old allegory if the eagle who is raised believing he is a chicken and how when you tell the eagle to fly he automatically added “the eagle will lay an egg!”.
We laughed because we understood each other but it was more about relief than about humor.

Anyway after that I talked with his wife about being a “zebra” and I could tell her how she felt in this and that situation, we would take parts in sentences that would describe the different cognitive situations we encounter everyday. It is not like one would finish the sentence the other had started, it was more like a one character play that two actress would play.
I was happy I could help her a little. I mean the hardest part is yet to come and I won’t be able to do anything for her since the path for her is going to be longer and harder but at least she has a supportive husband which I guess makes us even.

I am happy that I could help someone without the emotional involvement that is often required in the French mormon culture. I don’t know how it is in the US but in France it can get very intrusive and overwhelming. It is something I don’t want to yield into ever again.

What is also interesting is that I now know why I feel comfortable in my ward. “zebras” are 2% of the population (or so specialists think) and I have realized that easily one third to half of my ward are zebras. I now understand why there is like a natural respect for individuality and each other’s need. Of course some people will voice the fact that those needs are out of the gospel rules and those people are listened to by my ward (but me, I can’t or else I’ll lose my temper) and then the leaders will listen to the spirit rather than some personal issues.

To me this is a very good image of what it means when in the scripture it is said that the glory of God is intelligence.

My youngest sister….

My youngest sister went to see my therapist on the B-day of my other sister.
This is cute 😛

What came out is that I was right to think that she has a high IQ which makes me feel relieved because I was afraid to be doing a “projection” for fear of being “alone” again. So I am not “happy” I am just relieved for selfish reasons.

What also came out of this is that my sister is very likely to have dyslexia. I wrote to my sister on her mission right away because I am shocked.
Don’t misunderstand me, I am not ashamed or angry or whatever negative. It may be the Garnier side of me (Garnier is the maiden name of my mother’s mother and the one we got our brain from) but I am beyond proud of her.
Gosh SHE (this tiny little Earthling) managed to be that successful so far WITH DYSLEXIA. Seriously who would not be proud of her? failing her first year of medical school is the first time in her life she is failing something for “real”. I am using quotes because it is only real if you don’t consider the fact that she was supposed to be a student like any other student.

To Benoit, I know you read my blog : Fhé might not feel like talking about it, it is a very fresh and raw news to her and probably does not know what to do with it.

Hatred and anger

t took me forever to “slow down” to the point I could almost be understood by my environment and “reconnecting” with my real self goes too fast for my body. I keep on having minor troubles that are just a pain in the neck to deal with.

My therapist encouraged me to take a revenge on the first teacher who really started the work of destruction.
Whaaaaaaaaaat? You’re LDS AND a therapist aren’t you supposed to tell me “no” or to direct me on an other path?

Alright. I am just being facetious here as she does encourage me but only because my idea of a revenge is not what you expect I guess.

WOW I realize as I am typing that my anger, which is legitimate, is only an excuse not to face the fact that although I was made believe that I am not capable of doing what I want I actually can do it. Of course I may not have the time to do it all but most of it is still reachable.
WOW I am just finding out an exit for the state of anger and hatred I have been in for the past ten days.
These feelings that are RIGHT are just diverting me from what is important.
I knew it but I guess i needed those ten days to get it myself.

This therapist is really terrible. I told her about my aïkido teacher who is a really nice and wonderful deep inside but….so stupid. I am not saying that he is intellectually stupid because I have long learned that it does not change the value of who you are, I am saying that he is emotionally stupid. He is a living joke.
But he is also a very good aïkidoka and although he has strictly no ability to transmit this knowledge (no matter how high he thinks of himself as a teacher)  I want to stay with this teacher to learn aïkido as a martial art and not as a ballet-like martial thing.
So, I told her how this idiot has bothered me soooo many times with “stop thinking” when I had something to do and this would freeze me even more than if had closed his big mouth. As you can feel I am angry because he has spotted one of the way to make me lose my abilities and I have seen him playing with it.
Therefore I asked my therapist if she would write me a note in my Aïkido papers stating that I can’t stop thinking or I fall!
You guess it. She said yes. And I know she got the joke about it.
I call my teacher a homo erectus . I know that if I should explain to him that it means “the standing man” he would be pleased with it and not get what I mean.

When I have clearly sorted out how my brain works regarding spirituality I will write about it because this is something that is full of teachings both for me and for anyone reading this blog I think.