Talking about something else

This trip to Nice was really good.
I have felt sorry for my grand mother who only got to see my sister for such a short period of time. My grand mother will always be a pain in the neck but I could tell she was holding herself back so as not to bother us too much and thus maybe spoiling a chance to spend more time with us and specially with my sister.
I have seen the sorrow my mother brought because of her behavior and this has been agreat lesson. I never thought that she was right not even when I was younger but now that I am an adult I can really measure how much sadness she has created.
There was no question before concerning my choices but now I know why my family is really the only thing I have.
There is one memory that sticks to my mind and that I cherish even more now that I am an adult and understand what is meant for my grand-mother.
Of course my mother always taught me that her mother did not love her and she was physically abused and blah blah blah.
She raised me basically associating my grand-mother to Satan.
Don’t laugh.
In my my mind as a child this was what she was.
My grand-mother is catholic and this has always meant something to her.
When I got baptized she came to my baptism and brought me a gift. It may not sound much but knowing my grand-mother this memory now brings tears to my eyes. She brought me some materials to start sewing. My grand-mother does it really good and this has always been her pride to have her daughters wearing the most beautiful dresses that she had made herself.
To think of such a gift was not about spoiling me but really about thinking of me and what I could learn right now for my future.
I know how much it cost her to be there at my baptism as she totally opposed to this “cult” but I don’t remember one word or one facial expression that spoiled this day.
Maybe she said something to my mother (I doubt it though) but she didn’t to me and she was there from Lebanon.
There is too much emotions and to many things I still need to clear out because one thing that I realize now is that my grand-mother probably loves me more than I love her.

LOL

And I mean it.
The only way to lower down my expectations would be to agree to live off social security.

Right now what I want to do is to work on my grand-mother recipe for crêpes so as to find it and maybe try to do something with it. See, the thing with this recipe is that it is a secret recipe (not a joke, there is a copy right on it) but if I can make up my own recipe that will be as good as hers I know I could really do something with it. Like opening a business or something like that. Oh and no I can’t just ask her this recipe since she won’t talk to me.

I have also been considering painting since on my mission a sister offered me to teach me to paint. We never got the time to do it but I still want to start.

The cheapest of the two is probably to work on the crêpes recipe.
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My grand mother’s crêpes were golden brown, very thin and very soft and had a sweet and salty taste. I know how to get close to the taste but I am far from the texture or the look although my crêpes are always thin.

I got a recipe that sounded good on the internet and sounded logical according to what needs to be in it to get the taste and I started making my own modification.
I just made the batter and now it needs to rest for an hour or so.
I’ll tell you how close I will have gotten tomorrow because hopefully tonight my sister and I will be too busy with my crêpes.

I had a weird feeling when reading your answers and considering to give up this test. Like a cold, like a “NO!“. I want to be a teacher but I don’t think I’ll ever pass this test I just think there is something for me to learn in this.
Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I could be wrong either way but it does not matter. Tonight is crêpes dinner and if I don’t start a business with a recipe from Heaven at least I will be able to make people happy with it because my grand-mother’s crêpes made me happy. They would make anybody happy.

Jobs

I am trying to find a job that will be compatible with the one I already have and I may have found one but I still need to be hired.
I would not be much but it is good enough for me.

I have also downloaded the file to become a substitue teacher. I doubt it will help but I will be able to say that I will have done my best.
I doubt this is really what God has in store for me because if He wanted me to do this all my life there is actually a financially safer way for me to do it and He would have blessed me with success for this test.

I am still angry. Like really angry at myself. I don’t think, or maybe I just cannot remember, I have ever been this angry at myself.
Nobody is to be blamed for this failure but me.

I wish I had a way to express my feelings and emotions beside this blog. There are plenty of ways but none that I can afford.

Anyone’s got a good scripture for me please?

I don’t think there is one single scripture that really apply to anger in this case.
I am not angry at the jury. I think they wondered how in the world one could be this stupid. They probably don’t believe I can handle students and yet I can do it much better than a lot of teachers.
I am not even angry at the bad teachers I see around me. They just make me sad, not angry.
I am furious at myself because everything was easy. Everything was what I had been hoping for and I just spoiled my only chance to have something better.
I feel worthless not just because I failed but because I failed something that was given to me.
How in the world can I hope for something good if I cannot handle it properly?

I hear

I love when people says things such as “are you sure this is what God wants?”

We can never be 100% positive this is God’s will we can only have promptings and confirmation through blessings, prayers, fasting, whatever…
As for myself I was sure until yesterday this was what I was supposed to do and I must say that I am confused and lost.
What I hold on to is that I know a year ago I made the right decision when I decided to come back to the church and I know Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. I really don’t know anything else.
Beside this I am lost and don’t know what do to, what to expect, what to fight for.

I am grateful for what I have: Aïkido. This helps me to feel better about myself because there is no failure for me at this point. I learn every time I go to my class and I feel I am making progress which is all I need. I need to feel I am going forward in one field in my life because the state of mind I am in requires much emotional balance.

This is just unfair.
I am not asking for a perfect life I am only asking for a life that I can love.
I don’t have the feeling that I am too demanding in what would be a life I can love:
A social life and a job.
I am not asking for fame or money and I am not asking for a perfect husband and perfect kids.
I am not even asking for a husband at all.
I really have the feeling that I won’t get married in this life and I am strangely fine with this.

I am only asking for a job. One that will make me feel I am not just my social security number.
Yes, in France your social security number means something.
The first number indicates whether you’re male or female. Then the year you were born in. Then the number of your state. The following numbers indicate the number your were in the hospital were you were born and then in the state. And sometimes it feels to me this is all that I am.
I have not done one thing that makes me feel proud about myself right now.
Nothing would have made me more proud than to pass. I know this is stupid because there are people for who I mean something. I am glad I do.
But I wanted to prove something that means the world to me.
I hear you already and I don’t think you can really understand what I mean unless I start talking about my school years and I won’t because this is too long and because this is something I don’t want to dwell on. Yet I know it is still here.
I will always feel like the unfitting lazy kid that my teachers and my mother made me feel I was.
I will always feel this way unless I can pass this test because I really don’t see any other way I can be “on the other side”.
And this is the only way I know I can make a difference in students life.
They are precious and I feel from my experience as a student and working in a high school that teachers just don’t realize this. I don’t know how much they can’t and how much they don’t want to see it but the difference does not matter because the result is the same.
They keep on blaming the parents for the poor way the kids are raised.
Fine.
But with who do the students spend 8 hours a day with? This on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Fridays. Then “only” 4 hours on Wednesday and Saturday.
Yes, parents are not perfect and their kids know very well which button to push. But if teachers are not on the parents’ side to help them in their task who will?
I don’t know.
Maybe I am too presumptuous thinking that I can make kids love English in the little time we have to teach them. Maybe I am day-dreaming when I think that we could make a change.
But I’d rather crash my dream against reality than having this feeling of failure and frustration again.

Ok I failed so what?

I know these coming days are going to be hard.

And I have a choice: get mad because I am entitled to be angry or figure out what else I can do.
My question right now is how long can I indulge myself a little whining? How much is too long?
I think that what I really need is friends who can make me laugh and don’t say things such as “oooooooooooooh I am so sorry”.
Of course you are!
You’re supposed to be my friend. I expect you to be sorry. But I also expect you to help me get out of this situation.
My friend Marie has been surprisingly a good friend the last hour. I mean I love her but she has told me hurting things every time I have failed the CAPES. For the first time she has not and she has made me laugh which is exactly what I need right now. I need a good laugh to get back on track.
We’ve done stupid tests on facebook together and it turned out that I am both bi-sexual and totally innocent concerning sexuality. Both tests are wrong.
Yes I know what felatio means and no I don’t think that clitoris is the name of an exotic bird. Although it would be a cute one. As far as women are concerned I know that I could not do it with a woman. Don’t ask.
I have tones to write about and I guess I’ll write about it tomorrow and the coming days.
Wow. Teaching time for me. Test of faith I guess.

I failed

And I know exactly what went wrong.
So what now?

I knew that when I was blessed to pass there was a catch. I knew it was not as simple as “passing this test”. I knew it was probably more about the written part than the whole thing.

So what now?

I have no talent, so special thing to “sell” and next year I’ll lose this job I have.

So what am I supposed to do?
Get married and have children?
No way.
I won’t have children because I have failed anything else.
My children won’t be my best success.
They can be my favorite ones but not my best ones.
So no.
I refuse to chose to look for a husband because I have nothing better to do.
I want to get married because it is the best thing I can chose not because it is my only option.

So what are the career opportunities that are offered to me?
Let’s see…
Well, there is none.

I don’t know how He’s gonna do it

I came back home yesterday.
There are many, many things I could write about concerning these past two weeks but the main thing on my mind right now is how I flunked my only chance to pass.
The worse is not so much that I failed but how.
I have studied hard.
I have prayed and fasted.
I have gotten everything I wanted: a paper document to work on for the professional part of the exam and an audio document for the language part. It was British BUT I could perfectly understand everything.
And I don’t know what happened.
I have NEVER been like that in my life.
I just could not recognize myself.
My voice kept on lowering and I spoke way too fast. I think I spent only 10 minutes for something that should have last 30.
They kept on asking me extremely simple questions that I could not understand and they had to ask it like 5 times and every time a different way for me to understand what they meant.
Not to mention my English that was a joke. If someone spoke like that to me I would fast and pray that this person NEVER gets to teach English.

I have managed not to think about it and not to feel too low because people around have been nice enough not to talk about it and I did not feel like going to church at all because I knew they would ask me about it. Right on!
I and I have been both crying and trying to hold back my tears since this morning.
I really only went to church because I had no good health reason to come up with as an excuse to HF but I knew it would be bad for me.
It has been the hardest Sunday so far and at least I am proud to say that I made it.
But I would have liked better to have made it last Friday.
I mean, the results have not been published yet so there is still time for God to make a miracle but I really wonder how He is going to do this because I would not have let myself pass last Friday.

My only comfort is that I never had the feeling that the jury was mean. They were serious and demanding and I like better to fail because they sounded like they were demanding. How humiliating to fail with a easy jury! But they were never mean and never asked tricky question. At least I will always been able to dismiss doubts and fears from others who will have to take this test and that I will be able to talk to in the future 🙂

nb: witting this I forgot I had meat on the stove and of course it is burnt now.
I am really not in the mood for anything right now.

Ok everybody look at me, please.

I need your attention, please.
I am leaaaaaaaaving.
Yes, I am leaving in a few hours I’ll be on a train for Paris. So please remember me in your prayers because this could change and I kind of want it to change.
Mikki, thank you so much for your message about my previous post. I only took pics of a few kids, not all of them.
There are the three regular ones and I had to take a picture of Elsa since she is going to be the only girl since a long time. I don’t know what is going on with our wards but girls have to be brought in the ward. When women have babies when they are already in the boundaries of our ward they are ALWAYS boys. What’s up with this?

Honestly I believe it is because of Dany’s influence but I’ll talk about it latter.
Basically there is very little sexism in our ward as we very often find in the church. Dany has created a spirit in which if boys are raised they will take good habits from the youngest age concerning women.

1 year and 1 day

I have kept this blog for one year and one day.
I have slowed down on my writing because I don’t feel like writing just for the sake of it.
There are many things I still want to share but sometimes I wonder if it is really worth passing on to the next generation since this blog is pretty much my diary (definitely an open one).
I feel both happy and sad.
Sad because I am longing for a spiritual experience as powerful as what I have experienced a year ago but I am also happy because so far I have done good enough so that I’d be where I was hoping to be a year ago without having to betray myself.
I am not against changing my attitude about certain things or certain events but I want this change to come from within not from outside.

I feel blessed really beyond measure already in fields that are essential for my own balance and I know I am going to be granted the blessings I ask for.
Right now it is this fraking CAPES (yes, “frak” does exist Ray) that I need the most but the thing I did not ask for and I am granted is to enjoy my calling. I am not going to say that I love it because it is not about the calling it is more about the kids.
Matthias is exactly the kind of little boy I want. I want a son like this, Heavenly Father. I don’t want children I want a Matthias. He is my pet and I am trying not to show it too much but it is hard.
Yesterday his mother had dressed him up into a real little man with a gorgeous tie and a jacket that matched his tie but he kept on messing up with it because he wanted to show me his missionary tag. No, I am not talking about the child little tag that you can get I talking about a REAL tag. His father’s tag 🙂
He and his brother had gotten to wear it yesterday and he was just in seventh Heaven because of it. This kid speaks so well and is so articulate for a three years old little boy. we can have real discussions. I don’t think I can go as deep as if he were an adult but I can talk with him about almost any subject like with a grown up.
Adam is just about to become also one of my favorite. Adam is…what is Adam? Adam is just Adam. He almost doe not speak (he is also much younger) but he has such expressive looks it is amazing, you can understand everything through his eyes. And if really you don’t get it then he show you. What amazes me is that although he is very young (19 or 20 months) he goes and brings children in when they don’t want to come. I can always count on him. It is not like a game for him. You can tell it is important. I tell him something such as “Adam, X does not feel like coming in, could help me please?” and I can be sure that Adam will tackle him and carry him if it is what it takes! Yet he is gentle. He will gently tackle them.
There is also Josua who is much more shy but I must say that the nursery without him feels not whole.
And I am going to have 2 to 3 more kids in a week or so.
There will be David and Elsa. Elsa is not a girl. I mean she is biologically a girl and I know her mother wishes the cute little dresses she makes her wear would change something because the problem (only for her mother) is that Elsa is really a handful and has nothing to fear the boys about!
I can’t wait to see what it is going to be like with her in.
I still don’t like children or my calling but I do love these kids and when I have a hard time waking up for church there are the exciting thought I turn to for a little motivation.
mozaik

Back home

It was hectic and wonderful.
I brought tones of stuff that I would not find where I live, specially spices to make Lebanese dishes.
I have felt loved and understood and I know my sister has felt loved too and has understood a lot of things. Probably not as much as she will as she grows older and remember some of the things that have been said but enough to understand me a little better I think.
My cousins are the greatest little cousins on Earth. Ok they are not little. I am saying this just because I love them.
I had seen Marine only twice before this. Once when she was a baby and once when she was 10 or 11. nothing to have a reason to feel like knowing her more. She has turned into an amazing young adult.
My aunt Myriam taught me how to recognize wild asparagus that she picks up when she goes for a walk. So know I know how to recognize eatable mushrooms, wild asparagus, wild onions…
She got us some Rosemary that she dried for us to take home 🙂
Just for your info, this is my kind of fun.
Amusement parks get quickly boring for me. Looking for wild asparagus and picking up Rosemary IS fun.
I am sad for my grand-mother though. She has now understood that my mother is mentally ill and she feels guilty about it. Like maybe she has not breast fed her enough when she was a baby and that she has not felt loved enough. To which my other aunt told her it was ridiculous.
She had lost a 6 days baby boy before the birth of her first son and because of this she was really not in shape either physically or psychologically to great another baby boy although she had done everything to be pregnant again as soon as possible. And this son just loves his mother and is psychologically absolutely sane (ok maybe not but I love how crazy he is LOL).

It is hard, the more I learn the more I understand what my aunts mean and the more I see that my mother has always been unbalanced but nobody really realized how bad it could become because when she was younger there was just no way one could imagine or understand this kind of thing. And the more I understand the more I take pity on my mother because there is her disease on one side and there is her pride on the other and she is just not happy. At least if she wear I know her mother and her sisters would feel better. But she is not happy. I have seen her youngest sister really sad about it.

I love her family. I realize that I am really a part of her family and I am sorry that she cannot enjoy them.
But at least I can! Ha Ha Ha Ha

My youngest sister is going to fit in just perfectly. As we say she is going to be like a fish in water. This is just where she belongs to. When she sees the picture of our cousin doing what she has been forbidden from doing for yeeeeeeeeears she is going to understand that this is where she needs to be.
The crazy-amazing-unbelievable thing that she has always been forbidden to do being:
a hug to our sister!
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