Self righteousness

This is the feeling I am experiencing these days and I hate it.

I know this is linked to pride.

And I know where my pride is coming from.

I am not talking about self righteousness in the typical Molly Mormon stereotype.
I am talking about this feeling when you know you’re right and you feel pretty comfortable in this situation.

I need to slow down my pace and ponder a little more about what would be Jesus teachings for our days.

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I have a had an interesting experience yesterday about lies and how Satan uses our own strength to turn it into stumbling blocks. It was nothing to describe that would make a good post on my blog but although my prayers have not been that exceptionnal lately I have been able to dismiss the fears coming from this experience. It is not like I asked about it because the feeling I had before praying was strong enough to make me believe it was true. But when I started praying my fears vanished and a feeling of peace came that really felt like “this was a lie, this won’t happen”.
It was interesting.

I am curious

As I read the NT I really wonder what was this world.
Jesus teachings sound so obvious to me. I wonder what was this world in which what he taught was revolutionary.
I understand that it sound obvious because I grew up with his teachings.
But the thing is that I wonder how did humanity survive without those basic values until he taught them on a broad scale?
I can imagine that some must have come up with the conclusion of his teaching BEFORE he taught them but it seems that it was not culturally the general rule. I start wondering if people living in His time were really that lucky.
I mean you may say that obviously He said things that were needed in this time and that were turned out into teachings and religions. Thank you I am not an idiot.
It is just that taking our current understanding of what is right and what is wrong according to His teachings I wonder what He would teach us now if He were to come back and teach us again like He did in the past.

Humility is not mediocrity

I heard a very inspirational talk today.
This young man, father of 3.5 children was explaining to us how we don’t need a beautiful house but a crappy house is enough and how we don’t need a fancy car as long as you can drive it.

I am sorry but a crappy house is not enough for me and a fancy car is not something I really long for but I like how some recent cars are more secure than the older ones.

You’d think he was trying to say something right and that there is some truth in what he said. I agree 100% the problem is that I know what this talk leads too and this is the title of my post.

The best was when he talked about the good things we can do or learn to be ready and not having to rely on anyone or any social service…Men get all the intellectual stuff and woman all the stuff about cooking and cleaning. See? This is what I mean by I want to get married in the church but not to a righteous priesthood holder. The problem is that this talk is what I hear even from the smartest men in the church in France. I really don’t see why I should give up the little I have (and I have close to nothing) for someone like this.

I was talking with someone who calls me a friend when I failed the CAPES. One of the thing I said was that I want to earn my own money and not have to rely on being married to ensure a way to provide for myself. So many women have thought this in the past and have traded their freedom of thinking for security. And what he said was that if I should find a husband he’ll be happy to provide for me.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
I know what he meant and this is sweet but this is not the problem. I just don’t want to depend on any man. Is it that hard to get? Men feel pride in providing for themselves why would we not want to feel this way too? they have a sense of accomplishment, why should ours be limited to diapers and cooking?
I enjoy cooking, it is one of my talent and I want it to remain this way. I refuse to have it turned into an expectation.
One thing about the boy friend I had when I got excommunicated.
All those years he congratulated me for my cooking and I never ever got a feeling that he was expecting it. When I hear “good standard members” bragging about the fact that they don’t have a single friend outside the church and that they don’t go to a restaurant because “mommy” cooks so well it makes me shiver.

I have been thinking about this A LOT and I am starting not just to feel comfortable or at peace with the idea of never getting married but I am starting to enjoy it.

I did it!

I know this is against church policy but I did “it”.
Talking about church I may have to skip it tomorrow. I really can’t talk and I am a little drooling.

As times passes it seems more and more crazy not to had it done before. I love it. I feels really like a part of me and who I am. This is crazy, I thought it was only about physical appearance but I understand what some people said about it. It is really something that means to me. It is like a long lost part of me.

Specialists say that the reason people do this is because we want to re-appropriate our body, that in a world where all boundaries tends to be erased and where uniformity is becoming a rule, doing this is like the last fort we defend. I kind of agree but not totally.
I did not ask it for my ears,my mother had it done when I was three years old and I screamed like if they had been cutting off my ears, the truth was that I was more scared than really hurting. This is not a good memory. But this time it feels like I chose something for my body for once in my life and my body is the most personal possession I have. It could have been the opposite: to chose not to do it. So this is where the “I like it” part is involved.

The funny thing is that the guy told me that I had a really good tongue (thank you) and that because he could place it to perfection if I should ever have the crazy idea to have a second one it would be possible. This is right. This is a CRAZY idea. Who would want a second one? It would be ugly and I don’t think I’ll like to be deprived once again from normal food like I am right now.
I know most people will disapprove of it but I don’t intend to stick my tongue out to people who can’t understand and who view this as some barbarian thing. And I only did the tongue not the nipples!

langue

I understand why it’d be against church policy from a gospel point of view. Our body is a temple and you would not want to do something to injure it or destroy it on purpose. It is like the word of wisdom. It is for us to have a healthy body so as to be able to pay more attention to the whisperings from the Spirit. I totally understand this and the strange thing is that I understand this better NOW that I have done it. Because this is the thing. I had not done it to hurt my body because I have some psychological issues that should be taken care of. I had it done because I love it and I feel prettier with it, I have more self confidence and I love the feeling of it.

This has put some things into perspective. Some things I do to my body that are actually to hurt it. I sensed it before but never really thought of it as being “wrong”. Now I do.

hopefully with “this” I will feel like stopping what I am doing that is negative to my body.

Things turned out for the better

I am happy to say about yesterday that things turned out really good.

But I have been really affraid.

I think my friend is partly lying to herself about the situation but I think this is the best way to deal with it so as to avoid something really bad.

You may have read the thing I wrote yesterday. The thing is that the other person my friend has strong feelings for is a woman.

So she has decided to go and talk to her and the woman said that she has the same feelings but they have both aggreed that it is only friendship. I like it this way. I know it is not just friendship but I know my friend and I know this is the middle way, the one that will enable her to remain close to this person without destroying what she has built.
No matter what she calls it I just want her to be happy and never again to be in the state I have seen her because it has made me sick and as I have said it before, I don’t think I can handle it too often or for too many people.

I can’t handle more than one real friend

Because having a friend means being one when the time comes.
And this is one of those times.
And I realize that I can’t handle more than one friend if I want to be a true one.

I am waiting for her call.

Here is the situation.
She has been with the same boyfriend for 8 years.
She is not married but it is almost the same since they are what we call “PACsés”. It is the same as being married but it is for straight couples as well as homosexual ones.
So let’s call him her husband although she would kill me for calling him this way. Long story that I am not going to explain here but basically it will be easier for you to consider them married.
Anyway she has been “PACsée” to him for a few years now and they have bought a home together a year ago.

And she has fallen in love with someone else.

She still loves her husband and she would die rather than hurt him. She loves him but she is in love with someone else. the problem is that she is hurting because although she has not done anything wrong (and does not want to ) she has the feeling of not being honest with him and the feeling that she is not being honest with the other person either.
So she has decided to tell the other person about her feeling and hoping to make it clear that she is not expecting anything but the situation to be clear and clean.
The problem is that obviously this person is going to feel bad about her husband and she knows this person DOES NOT have those feelings. But it has become really obsessing to get it off her chest. She can’t sleep. She is not really there. She can’t focus at work.

We talked just before my Aïkido class and I felt horrible the whole class through. I could not focus either and I just wanted to cry. I love her husband. He is close to perfection. He is a real friend although of course he means less to me than she does. I could barely look at him in the eyes.

She and I know that he would forgive her and this is almost worse. I think this is probably one of the thing that is preventing from doing something wrong: he would forgive her.
But I am her friend and he would know that I would have known it all. And I feel horrible about what my friend is going through as I am typing this words and horrible thinking about her husband.

Yes. I can’t handle more than one friend because I would not be able to handle this tension for someone else more than once in my life. I can be a friend, but love someone like I love her is something different and I know I just don’t want more friends. I may be able to stretch and improve but right now this is what I am finding out about my limits. I really can’t.