Spiritual vacation?

I feel like it since I am staying at home and pretty much hangind around. My goal for this time is to learn magic tricks that don’t involve special cards or a fake thumb and to learn how to make lace.
I just enjoy my time and take it easy. I am also in the process of moving to a bigger appartment with an extra bedroom for my 18 years old sister. Speaking of which I really wonder if she is going to make it. She just says yes to anyone not wanting her happiness if they have some kind of authority on her (a.k.a our mother and her father). She is just about going to university and she had not taken any real vacation yet, she is about to go under minor surgery and she is going to spen pretty much the whole month of August running from one point to another one (one of them being Paris which is quiet a distance from where she lives). Anyway I hope that when she starts university and see how demanding it can be she will have the guts to say “no”.

Yesterday evening as I picked up my scriptures I looked how much I have read and how much I still have to go until I get rebaptized. I felt like setting as a goal to finish reading it before I get rebaptized. Considering that it could happen in about two weeks I would have quiet a lot of reading to do.
I really don’t know if it was one of my old habbit kicking back or something else but I realized that once again I was doing it: putting myself under unnecessary pressure.
The scriptures are intended to be spiritual food, not some kind of challenge that would ruin the purpose. Beside, considering th odds of faling I would probably come to my baptism day with a feeling of failure. What a way to start! OR I would make it, but the price would be bad relationship with people who matter to me because I would be all focused on my rigtheous goal.

I am glad I was able to recognize it this time. I pray that I will always be.


I am almost here! Hold on! Wait for me.
What am I going to do then? Change the name of my blog to only “…and then…”?


No, it would spoil the whole purpose.

I spent a very less spiritual week end but somehow I don’t feel guilty at all.
I am happy. I spent a spiritually free week end BUT in the mean time I had the feeling that God was taking care of my spirituality while I was “having fun”.

Let me be more specific.

It all started friday night.
I had my best friends over for dinner and we had crêpes. I was so happy to see them. I had not seen them for two weeks and you need to know that Marie and I call each other at least once a day and that our fridays are schedule for each other :o)

I spent pretty much the whole night chating and then talking with someone that I may have to talk about in the future. the first converstaion was NOT spiritually focused. Then I went to bed to sleep a couple of hours and I woke up to call him again (I have free phone for where he lives and he does not). We talked about politics. One of my favorite subject :o)

Later this day my mother asked me if it was ok for her to just come whenever she felt like since she was to pick up my sisters the following day. I said that there was no problem. We spent some time together, she took me out and bought me a nice shirt. We spent some quality time together.

We came back home and went to bed after midnight. I had a hard time finding a moment to read my scriptures on both days but I made a point to do it anyway.

Then on sunday morning I decided to ditch RS and sunday school. I had forgotten that it was my little sister’s first sunday in RS. But in the mean time I am glad I was not there. I was able to spend more time with my mom. I don’t know when she will be back to her old ways so I enjoy each seconds of her being as she is now.
We had lunch together. then when they left I just tried to catch up some sleep and I slept pretty much the whole afternoon. I woke up and felt lame to spend such a “not focused” sunday but in the mean time I had the feeling I made the right choices today. Beside the day was not over when I woke up. So I sat at my desk and started looking for uplifting material.

Why do I need uplifting material TODAY?

The bishop ran to me as I was living the church building to tell me that he go the green light!!!!
I am baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack people. It is only a matter of days. Really only a matter of days!
I am going to go through an interview either next sunday or the following one.

Do you know how I feel? I feel like like a spiritual Paris Hilton. I feel like a spiritual brat.
I have all these things coming up in my life, showing me how much God cares for me and takes care of me and I feel like there are not enough hours in a day to do all the things I want to do AND to thank our Heavenly Father properly. Not that I don’t care, it is just that I feel like a loving brat.

Anyone ever felt this way?

I know it is ok, though. As long as I behave and have the right priorities on mind ;o)


Yesterday my pets almost got killed the most horrible way: BURNT ALIVE. Just because a stupid neighbor of mine had thrown a cigarette that burnt the sheet under which my pets usually hide. This morning I had just not let them out as I usually do.

When I came back from down town I got sick as I have been in the past. Only that instead of being sick all day long I got sick when all my very important stuff were done.

This morning I got a call from my housing company while I was grocery shoping: I can have the new appartment with one extra bedroom, so I am going to move in just in time for my sister to move in too and to go to university.

It may sounds stupid and these are things that are not a matter of life and death (although it was for my pets). But it definitely makes life easier.

And the scripture of the day is…..

Alma 36:3

And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I bessech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions and shall be lifted up at the last day.


That’s it!

Trust has always been such a big issue for me. It is crazy to see all the way I have come so far and the way I need to go still.

Akward and sweet moment

My little sister turned 18 yesterday. This means that today she was supposed to be in RS with me but she said that she wil come next week instead. She’d better. Having her in RS is probably the only thing that is going to keep me going.
I remember my first sunday in RS when I turned 18 very well.
there was another young woman born the same month just ten days after me and although we did not get along that well back then I would have been happy if I had been able to wait for her to go to RS for the first time. Nobody thought it would be smart to let me in YW for two more sundays. Oh well! I is not like there is anything we can change now.
Anyway I hated Rs before I was there and I still do. I feel just no connection but I am going still.
As a part of my deal with God when I was excommunicated I had made the vow to keep on coming to church, to make a special effort to come. But I meant only to scacrament meeting because this is the only real part that matters to our salvation.
Now that I commited myself to come back I have decided that I will go to RS no matter how much I loath it just as a way to prove my sincerity to our Heavenly Father. It may not be where I want to be but it is where he wants me to be and that’s all that matters.

In the end, to conclude the lesson the RS president asked me to say the closing prayer. I quickly declined because I am not sure I am allowed to. Not that I am not allowed to pray but I really don’t know if I can say the closing prayer in this situation or not. I know I can’t in sacrament meeting for example but how about RS?
Anyway, it was akward but the RS president quickly and nicely turned to someone else.

I talked to her just after it telling her about the situation I am in (file lost, July being the month when the church administration is on vacation etc…) and she was surprised. She thought the whole thing was over and I thought it was sweet to have her thinking that it was over. I know she does because I come to church each sunday (but last week since I was at my mom’s) for the three full hours and I come dressed in sabbath clothes (I did not before). It was nice to feel that she did not see a difference between how I am and how a member-me would be.

Actually this RS president is a convert and she has never seen me being both a member and being worthy. I wonder if she will see a difference. It is kind of funny to think that she knew me when I was a member but not being worthy, then she knew me as excommunicated, now she sees me as someone who wants to come back to the church and who does everything for but I am not a real member yet. LOL. She basically only knows the worse me.

Talking about another subject that I really wanted to share with you I am currently reading Alma 34. I take my time to read it again because I just love it. I love Alme 32 and 33 too.
It is funny to see how much I have learned and I felt like crying when I read Alma 32: 21 to the end of the chapter.
This is the famous faith/seed thing.
I knew it on my mission; I had heard it thousands of times before my mission and it just never hit me emotionnaly as it did when I read it again. The thing that made me wanna cry was a little blue question mark that I had drew beside it. I remember on my mission, serving in Marana, Az, reading it and being like “what the heck?”
I remember vividly thinking that I understood this seed thing but why was he going on and on about the seed growing and blah blah blah… I remember clearly feeling bored by all his crazy stuuf that I thought was way over what was needed. I felt like he was spending way too much time on this little faith thing and not telling us enough about some more important things, answers that I knew I would need someday.
When I saw this little mark as I read these scriptures that were so sweet to my soul ten years after my mission I felt like this younger me was a little sister and not really me. I wanted to go back and to tell her not to be so light in trying to figure out what Alma was saying. I wanted to hug her and to tell her that when she does understand she will start reading the scriture out of love, out of thurst for this knowledge that she is looking for and that is right here, in this book that she as such a hard time relating to. I wanted to tell her that if she only knew what she was really teaching she would understand even better why she is sad when some people reject it. If only she understood what she was teaching she would be so much more respectfull and would not try to shove the discussions down the people throat but would enjoy any opportunity to talk about the Savior’s love.

I love how in chapter 34 we are not encouraged to “repent”. We are encouraged to exercice our faith unto repentance.
This is SO different.
Having “been there and done that” I know that the problem is not so much to repent but to think that we deserve it or that repentance is possible.
I had been taught all my youth that being a member of the church, if I got excommunicated then I was doomed. That I would never be worthy of the presence of our Heavenly Father again. I always had the feeling that no repentance was good enough, hard enough, strong enough that could actually make up for the mistakes I would make.
I was right actually, but the problem is that the atonement was excluded from the teachings I received. I mean Christ’s sacrifice was pretty much for people would did not know the gospel yet, it was a single chance for them. But having been almost born in the church this card (blessing) was just not in my hand.
How horrible.
If I ever have children I want to teach them that they have this blessing also. But like any other blessing this is not something that should be taken lightly. It is the most precious blessing and gift we could receive, the same way we treat our precious possession with care we should deal with the atonement with care, gratitude, love, respect. If I have children this is what I will teach them. I want them to feel loved, not under a pressure that was never a part of the plan, the deal, the love Christ has for us. This pressure made me miserable most of my life with little relief when I was almost up the task. This is so much like Satan’s way to deal with us. He must have had a kick when I got excommunicated.
The worse part for him is that I learn.
I had an experience when I was younger that taught me about his power. I guess back then he understood he needed to be more subtle with me. I guess he is learning that he is going to have to be even more subtle.
The problem for him is that I have learned a lot of things, one of them is to be on my guard. Another one is that even when I feel ok, I feel that I don’t really need to read my scriptures because I am too tired and I don’t feel like I spiritually need it I know I actually do and I am never too tired to read one tiny verse.
It is like vitamines.
You don’t take them because you need them. You take them because you don’t want to have to need them.

Not WHAT but WHO

I have been thinking a lot recently about this marriage issue I have had for a long time. As I have said before I feel at peace now, thank you very much Heavenly Father, but I don’t feel like going on husband hunting either.

I have had some resons to give much thoughts about it recently and the more I think about it the more I respect this blessing that marriage can be to the point where I don’t “want to get married”. Don’t worry, if I have an opportunity I will happily dive into it.

What I mean is that I heard (and still do) so many people wishing to get married for the sake of it. Either because it is a commandment or because they had some natural needs that they wanted to wrap into divine purpose.

To me marriage is so sacred that considering it a mere commandment is almost belittling it.

What marriage means to me? It is partnership. An association of two souls striving for the same purpose, biding their physical effort for the same spiritual goal. This is accompanied with “naked fun” (got this expression from someone else and it really cracks me up) with special moments, with trials and with success but it is a path, not the end.

I hope to find someone who picture marriage as an “advanced” class in high school that will enable him to go further and do better at university. Not a class where you want to be to get into the most popular groups of kids.

If I don’t ever get married I really don’t care. Advanced class is only what it is. You can get the same learning out of this class and in the end you can catch up at university still and do great, as well as the other kids or even better.

If I do find someone, though, I hope that he will marry ME, not the notion of being married. I hope that I can find someone who has the same purpose in life as I do: just go back to our Heavenly Father following the path He has set. Not because I want to be a good little mormon girl, I am so not “good”. Because this way is the best way to come back to Him and be both happy AND make other happy. I can see it now and I really hope that I can find someone who can see it or else I’d really live alone. I really don’t mind solitude, I learn much on my own and I’d rather not have the opportunity to share what I learn rather that to be frustrated by thinking I can and then finding out it was all a lie.

What am I really looking for?

Someone who has the same priorities as mine:


#2 Gospel

Yes, family first and in capital letters, the gospel is only here to help us enjoy everything we can get out of it the best way. Gospel can’t come first or it loses its purpose…YET sometimes looking like we put the gospel first is actually really puting our family first.

I hope that he will love to learn and understand. Learn anything, understand anyone and anything (start with me thank you very much). I also need him to tease me. Not in a mean way. I loved to be teased because it helps me stay focuse on what really matter or on my goal. It helps me remember that my ways are my ways and nothing more, not gospel turth. I love to be teased.

I need him to respect, love and understand what priesthood is about. It is not granted! It is not because he is a man! I want him to let me help him in this field and not consider that this is a pure thing that a woman would make filthy by just uttering this word. Some of you may understand what I mean, some may not (lucky you).

I want him to have a strong testimony. I do.

I want him to listen to me. I don’t want him to do what I say, I said only listen and remember what I told him.

If he can be this then he can be whatever else he wants: short, tall, fat, skinny, bold, hairy, very sportive or handicaped. I don’t care.

It is not what but who.

PS: if he could be kind enough to tell my mother to shut up when he sees that I am getting a migraine it would be really nice.

What I have learned

What I have learned from my family on my mother side is the importance of forgiving which is why I am striving for it.

What I know is that there a lot of love in her family but there is stictly no forgiveness. I understand that although my mother is claiming the opposite she just does not understand this concept and she just cannot forgive. I don’t know if it is that she has not been taught or that she was just born this way.

Either way is sad.

She has been so sweet and nice for the past few days. She has made a terrific effort to be nice (this mean for most people being just normal but it is a stretch for her so it is important to me). But I am sorry and extremly sad for her. I really wish she could forgive her mother so she would let me free to forgive her too. I will fully forgive her in then but she is making it harder. I know that I will forgive this too, just because I want to, but it is taking longer because in one way I have to carry her anger and bitterness in my own life.

I can’t freely talk about my grand mother with her, I can’t freely talk about her sisters. I mean, I can as long as it is to complain or say something that is not positive. My grand mother has a lot to be forgiven for, but she is a part of my history, she is a part of me. The older I get the more I wish things were different. Not for fun, just because she has been cutting herself away from a portion of love that was hers, even if it was not the kind of love she expected or needed.

She was not the mother I expected or needed either, I have learned from her sad example that what a mother can give, although not adequate, is always better than nothing.