We had a little snow these past days.
And today is Sunday but I sent Pascal and Anne to a tiny sky resort.
I am a bad mother.
Well one of the flaw I passed on to Anne is low self confidence. This goes side by side with my “ability” and her father’s ability to “feel” how things can turn bad. The only way I can teach her otherwise is by making her do things and gain self confidence in her accomplishing things. This way I hope she can find more serenity than me as she grows. Sunday and specifically today, being the only day he can take her skiing I guess I am going to spend a lot more times during the week to help her grow spiritually. I fell this is right and I could be totally mistaken. Maybe going to church is the only thing I should make her spend Sunday on but I don’t know how going to church each Sunday has helped me be a balanced adult because I am not balanced at all.
What I know is that some things have helped me draw closer to God and to His son. Sometimes they were “church” related and sometimes they were not. In the end I want my daughter to follow the right path not their right path.
It has been years since I last wrote here and I don’t know if I can’t really do an update.
Pascal and I got married and Anne is the best daughter I could imagine to have. She is not perfect and I can see some of our flaws in her. The thing is that I know and want to teach her to be different because it has not lead us to be happier. I know I need to teach her to see good and beauty in people like I used to. But I also need to find a way to teach her to be resilient to the pain inside. I can tell she is as sensitive as I am and it could be a strength if I teach her what I would have needed when I was her age.
Anne is amazing, it feels at times that she does not need me. There are fields in which she is wise beyond her age, sometimes better than some grown ups.
She is capable of discerning people’s character and to hold or not someone accountable for what happens. She is also capable of projecting herself in the futur and how relationships can evolve as she grows older. She can identify a pattern with an accuracy that gives me so much hope for her.
Pascal is everything I hoped for.
And this is the problem.
He is just like how I was but never got a chance to change and hence is now on medication against depression. He is extremely smart and envision things before they happen. The problem is that I can never prove him that although he is right, he also has been wrong. Thus he lives constantly under pressure.
As for me I am fighting hard my state of gloom thoughts. Yesterday I felt almost ok and I thought it was the beginning of the end. Well I don’t feel very good today but I remember I felt good and why I felt good. So I feel low but…not so low that one should worry about me.
Some thoughts came to my mind these days:
I remembered how I once asked for a blessing to a random priesthood holder. We wanted to stay in contact because he said he never felt such an outpouring love from Heaven for me. I lost his email but it is ok. I have a testimony from a stranger that I am loved beyond anything he had ever experienced.