I have been thinking a lot about how things can’t be as simple as what we are taught in the church. I believe everything is true but being a “goddess in embryo” I can’t be fed on what I will be when I am a full developed being right?
Therefore this cannot be all there is to know.
I was thinking t about the premortal existence and the war in Heaven and how we take a certain version for granted.
Let me told you this story from my mission:
This sister dreamed one night that she had a friend who meant more to her than most of the sisters we were all in Heaven. It was during the war we are taught about. Her friend was afraid by the plan of Salavation. She just did not believe she could make it. It was just too hard. Although the sister who had this dream tried to convince her that our Father knew what He was doing the sister followed Lucifer. Not out of hatred or pride or whatever we are taught in the church but out of fear. She just did not believe in Herself and I guess lacked of confidence/faith in our Father.
Nobody can know how true or false is this dream yet it lead me to re-think deeply how things were taught to me as I grew up in the church.
How can really one third of the spirits be “that evil”? Can god have prepared evil spirits from first idea?
Hard to imagine.
Let’s picture this little fantasy.
Lucifer is a smart one. He is highly educated in divine things and he is so sure he knows it all. He just knows he knows it better than his father. Manipulation is a key weapon when you want to lead a population and fear, envy, lies are part of it. He just manipulates tones of spirits into believing that if they are strong enough, if they make our Father’s plan fail then God will have to admit His was wrong and they will eventually get their way.
Considering that they have now been deprived from having a body what a strong motivation must be there’s. They have to make this plan fail because it is their only way out.
And maybe they can make it. Maybe they can, maybe they are just delusional.
As far as for myself I understand how hard it must be but I have not yet solved my divine Oedipal complex an dI chose our Father’s side now again because no matter if I make it or not I believe it is a beautiful plan. And if I don’t make it I don’t care because I have grown already so much and I know I have still room and time and opportunities to grow that I have come to the realization for myself with the understanding that is mine as I type these words that their would have been no other way to be who I am without this plan.
And frankly I just love who I am.
And yes, it would be so easy to manipulate me again if I had not come to understand my Father’s love for me so as to be able to love myself.
To love ourselves, to divinely love ourselves and to feel grateful for who we are is one key shield against Satan.
Because when you love yourself you understand there was no other way you could have come to this without the plan of Salvation. Yes, the plan of Salvation is a plan about eternal and superior love.
My youngest sister just sent me a text message (11.20 pm) to tell me that she has a lump that hurts when she touches it under in her arm pit by her right breast.
Can this be only a kist please? Thank you.
My youngest-cutest little sister is in love.
And the boy is really cute and sweet.
The story is too long and too complicated but basically his mother does not understand nor want to understand how complicated our family situation is and that although some things should not happen a certain way there are different” situation when exception should be made.
I totally understand her point of view and I think hers is a sane one when dealing with normality.
The problem is that our situation is everything but normal and sane and you can’t apply your normal rules with our stories.
And I feel frustrated about her and angry against my mother.
On a more positive note I had a neavus that hurt me and I went to have it checked. It is perfectly fine. No worry.
The thing is that I found out that I have another huge one in the back that I had NEVER noticed. I am sure it was not here two years ago and the doctor told me to keep an eye on this one because it looks a little wrong. Now I don’t want to accuse this poor naevus of something it is not but I find very suspect that it should sneak in my back this way and not be able to really tell if it is dangerous or not.
You never know with those. they may tell you they are cute and stuff but in the end they give you a skin cancer when you have protected yourself all your life from the sun!
And I have learned something that I did not know. I always thought the cute little beauty marks were on the whole fine and you should keep an eye on the ugly big ones when they change. This is partially true. the big ones are to keep an eye on but the cute small ones are actually the most dangerous when changing.
Oh and big surprise! she told me I don’t have too much to watch out for.
What? I thought I was a real dalmatian!
Well this is good. and the other good point that I had never realized is that most of mine are in the front so they are easy to check.
It is easy to become a member.
It is even easier to leave it or to be excommunicated.
But it is much much much harder to come back.
When you get excommunicated, if it is not a matter of losing your testimony and if you understand everything clearly you feel as I felt:
Well I screwed up and I have strictly no evidence that my effort to come back will qualify me for half of the blessings I lost when I got excommunicated. According to God’s own law I am better off living a righteous life OUTSIDE the church than trying INSIDE.
Sometimes I think the atonement can clean it all and those days I feel spiritually powerful and ready to take down mountains. I feel like I am going to do it all with His guidance and power because I know this power I feel that could be mine is really His.
Sometimes I don’t and then I feel powerless but at peace because no matter what I have felt God’s love and something that I want to qualify as “stress” about me being outside the church. He has stressed out so much that I have experience a miracle which has been a change of heart I have not asked for. And when I have one of those days I strictly don’t care if having done something wrong enough to be excommunicated disqualifies me for the blessings I was entitled to before because I am grateful enough for the miracle I have experienced. This is probably the most wonderful experience I have had in my life and this is enough for me.
And if this is the closest I’ll ever get to God because my excommunication is something serious then let it be. I am not even sure I’d be able to handle more spiritual happiness anyway.
I have no children and this post is partly why sometimes I really don’t feel like having “a family”.
I know men in the church don’t mean to be paternalist and chauvinists and everything we blame them of. But they do very often. They don’t understand what is wrong because they do it so lovingly and don’t understand why, if they put so much effort and love and tenderness, some virago should reject their behavior that is so obviously in tune with God’s plan.
Yes, because not only are they dumb but they also think that they have all figured it out and women who think differently can’t.
and then they wonder why we go crazy.
So for those of you who don’t get it let’s sit down for a few minutes and please answer to those questions without cheating.
You know, it is like in the chain mails you get where you are supposed to answer to questions to get an unbelievable answer.
Well this one is also going to be unbelievable for a lot of you but please humor me for a few minutes.
When we were born we were babies (the cutest baby on Earth, each one of us) with a full body and a full potential, right?
Then we went to school, right?
Then we left home for about the same purpose, right?
We got an education, we had dreams and goals, right?
Then we got married, still following?
And you got praised for being a dad AND a husband AND successful in your career AND when the doors are closed you get even more praised (or lied to, but this has to be your neighbor’s case, not you) for giving “her” so much pleasure.
When we get married (in the church) we get praised for being a mother AND a wife AND…and nothing else….
Could you give me one single logical explanation to this?
Do you get a feeling of accomplishment when you are successful in your job? Why would women in the church be deprived of it?
Either it is a good feeling and we are entitled to it or it is not and you should stop enjoying it.
I KNOW there are smarter men out there but I am feeling this way because yesterday I got chased by my ex-boy-friend in the street again (he quickly stopped this time) and because I see my bishop and how deaf he is to all this and how he has raised a son who has lovingly destroyed a woman and I am very concerned for her (as well as for her 5 boys) and because I read this post that reminded me of why I just don’t see the point of getting married in those circumstances.
Well I have been quiet busy the past days and this is mainly due to the fact that I am building another blog.
Yes the word is building because it is all going to be about my pictures.
I bought a space for it.
I must say that wordpress is to me the best for anything about blogging. They are so many free “themes” to chose from. So nice.
This means that I am going to have to travel if I want to put there some interesting work so people will want to hire me. But the most important is that I have started.
Wanna see it?
I am thinking about going to Prague or to the south of Europe around Halloween. The thing is that Prague is a very beautiful city but I will need more light at this time of the year. I guess I decide when I see how much money I have for ths trip.
MC and Belle: not checked yet
These are four of the 5 persons I care for/worry the most about. I am trying to show more how much I am concerned but it is hard. I can think about doing it the whole day long and not dare to do it. It is just that I often feel it as an intrusion in my own life when people do that so I just don’t dare to do it. I know they appreciate it but still. I just wish I could send some telepathic message and that’s it.
Oh wait…this would be a real intrusion wouldn’t it be?
Beside if I start doing this I am afraid they are going to call me as an RS president and if they do this I swear half of the sisters will have gone inactive within 6 months because they will have been offended by me.
Seriously, there is this one sister I reeeeeeeeeeally want to spank for being such…RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAGH I need to shut up.