Not going to church for a few weeks I guess

So, I developed some health issue during my pregnancy that got even worse after Anne was born.
It turned out it is multiple sclerosis.

It is like a big, ugly and scary name for something that is not so bad in my case. One of the doctor I have to see for that has me on some drugs that works pretty well but I have to try some others to see what fits me the best. Until what kind of medicationI should take is set and clear I don’t feel like going to church.
Sorry to say but each time I go to church my symptoms worsen. I know it is partly my fault because I am so stressed out that I get tired more easily and fatigue is one of the thing I have to watch out to have a better daily life.
I get stressed out because I worry for Pascal and Anne. I hate going to church without them BUT in the mean time I really don’t want Pascal to join the church.
Then I get to church and I have to gather all my strength to deal the members.
The only time I like and the reason I put myself under this is because I want to take the sacrament.

Therefore I like the new changes in the church in France.

Now the whole country has to do sacrament meeting first before all the other meetings in order to bring more spirituality in our teachings and how we deal with each other. I love it.

It does not change the situation it only helps me in finding the spiritual help I am craving for. Considering that it makes things a tiny bit (only a tiny bit) harder not to miss the sacrament I think I am going to wait until my friend Dany can take me to church or until I have this dang driving licence to be able to go to church without a part of the pressure. I was going to write “without all this pressure” but not having it is impossible.

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Nap time for Anne

I just read what I wrote yesterday. Nice, exactly what I dread to write: something that sounds like a good wife and mother taking care of her baby and hubby (by the way I don’t call Pascal sweet names, I don’t like it).
I quickly took a look at Mikki’s blog and I am happy to see that she is still alive.
Ray seems to be the same and I will read again his blog when I have time.
I have been following Kim on Facebook and I am glad that she has eventually found a way to be happy and at peace.

The last time I wrote on this blog a long time ago I was in a situation that was quiet disturbing.

I had dated guys and every time things ended up quickly as I prayed for it to end if it was not right. Then Pascal came up. He fited everything I both dreamed of since I was about 10, what I wished for as an adult which made the situation quiet complicated as it was right what I knew would happen AND what I dreaded because it would be quiet and inextricable situation.

So one day (evening I should say) he felt something was not right and I had the hardest time saying this: we could not be intimate unless we were married. That was the end of it for me but he started sobbing and as I asked him why he was this way he said “I never met someone as honest”.

I was stunned. This was really not how things were supposed to turn out according to my experience of life.

We spent even more time together but there came a time when I knew I had to make this choice I did not want to make.
See, I have been excommunicated for breaking the law of chastity and not wanting to change my way. When I came back to the church I was not an 8 years old child, I knew what it would cost me to make this decision so to me there was no going back outside the church again. No matter how much I dislike the church (I love the gospel and my covenants) it was about a deal with God and not a matter of being accepted in a group (seriously who would want to be accepted by the mormons? They’re nuts!! If they like you it is time for you to get some help because you probably have something wrong.) therefore breaking the law of chastity was not an option in my mind. To top it all it was right the end of the time when my time of being watched to see if I would fall again in the same mistake was taking place.
Making this “bad” decision was like not only making fun of God but also making fun of the leaders of the church. I liked my bishop but even if I had not liked him I would still not have wanted him to feel like…oh well you get it.

But the thing was this:

Pascal has been married before. He lived with this woman for three years and he wanted to have a child. There was nothing he wanted more than that and she would always answer: no marriage no child. She already had a daughter and never married the father of Mélanie so I guess she had some good reasons this time. So they got married.
Then one day as they were having dinner with friends she just claimed that she did not want any more children. He was not prepared for it.

He thought that it was ok and that he would just be the best step-father he could for her daughter.

It went great for a while and then one day, after two years of being married she greated him with divorce papers telling him “you’re not the man I fell in love with anymore.”

They got a very fast divorce and as soon as it was over he asked his job to be transferred somewhere else (it is a big company with many sites) and this is when we met.

I really, really had the hardest time setting a similar pattern in our relationship.

Emotionally that was just horrible. I told him my reasons, I told him about the temple and how much I need it and all that my covenant represent to me. He knew from the start so I guess it was ok but I also felt very strongly prompted to make this choice to start a family with him even if it would mean so many things I did not want.

He very quickly promised me that we were going to get married.

I did not want to put pressure on him. I was ready to fight the leaders of the church if they put pressure on me concerning this state of things (considering where I came from). Fortunately I had a good bishop who, although was part of the council when I was excommunicated, understood the situation.

So here we are. I thought it would take something like 15 years and I was ready to wait but we got married over two weeks ago.

Looking back I know almost anything that I could be told about like: ” blah blah blah God’s path for you blah blah blah”. I know it is His path for me because if it were not then it would mean that I can follow my own and get away with it.

What disturbs me is what I felt, all that I have known for years before all this took place and what it means for the future.