We came here to grow, progress, develop, whatever word that can be used in this way this is what we came here for.
If you are following my blog since the beginning you I have had questions and doubts and worries since I came back. Not about the gospel but about my own growth and abilities. I knew I had learned how we can use the tools we have been taught we had, I knew I had understood the power of those tools despite their pointless look when in a hard situation. Yet I was wondering if I was right and if I knew really how to use those tools.
Those are: the prayer, talking to your leader, reading your scriptures, a blessing from the priesthood and one tool I did not use yet but that I may which is fasting. I have been heavily under Satan attack since I came back from the temple and it reached its climax this week end. I knew I could pull it by myself but I also knew the cost of it and what was the result of it. this was the time to try what I was hoping was true.
I prayed harder than ever specially walking to church just so that I would not yield to the feelings of self depreciation that I know is my utmost weak point. I am not talking about feeling low I am talking about feeling so bad that I am ready to take my life. My experience in the temple has taught me that this is in me and it has nothing to directly do with Satan but the fact maybe that those feelings are the aftermath of his work in my family. I expected those feelings to come back after I would get my blessings restored but it did not except maybe for the feeling of danger that may have been in my or the Spirit helping me to get ready. I don’t know.
What I know is that it came back as bad as it was before I was excommunicated after my temple trip but this time I can make the difference between what is right and true and what is Satan’s lie. So I called on what I thought I was entitled and I found out I was right and it works. Or I should say our leaders are right and it works. Let’s try to show some humility. What I think has not been emphasized enough in the teaching I have received as I grew up is how when you need this help from above it is not just about praying and forgetting about it expecting since you just handed your problem over it will be taken care of but it is really about exercising faith.
You are given the power you need to take apart yourself your obstacle. But if you expect that praying is like casting a magic spell and your stumbling rock will be taken away it is not how it works. As I just said you are given knowledge, enlightenment, strength to take apart and learn from this obstacle that Satan puts on your way. This is his strength and his weakness because if we are careful not to forget that he is always on watch and will use any opportunity to make us fall, if we don’t forget that he may be real and here but God is real too and here and has endowed us with much more than Satan has then we can learn from his attempt and understand and grow in so many ways. I know I am passing this test (not done yet) and I know it is only one and I know Satan needs us to fail to prove his point and I don’t think I ever agreed with him so why would I help him?
I am writing this for myself because I know this lesson I am learning is light in weight still and I know I will have to learn it again and again, I just never want to forget that I will have once passed it and if I did it once I can do it twice. I also understand that someday I will need much more strength than today and/or that I will need to look for more tools than what I already know and have but I know my Heavenly Father will never let me look for those in vain. Sometimes it will only take more strength more faith than others and I really hope I can grow without failing. Yet I know that if I should stumble the price has already been paid for me so I can rise and move on in my progression. I have experienced the atonement and I know that I am only asked sincerity and faith.