2 months

I have been thinking about this blog and the fact that I need to write here to tell where I am.
I am in a place of anger.
The end of last year was rough emotionally but I decided to keep it just under the surface instead of burying as usually and pretend this is nothing and I am fine. the reason why I did this was because I knew I was going to see a therapist to help me deal with…with what?
Oh with my whole life I guess.
We don’t have “church” therapist in France. We just have a few therapist that happen to be LDS. I was highly encouraged by several people I respect to go and talk to this one and I did. She does not know for now that I am LDS. she may get a hint of she sees my work as a photographer for I have taken a picture of the wife of our stake president of whom I have talked before since she was my nursery friend when we were two years old. My little sister thinks it is cool that we were friends back in those days. Yes, everybody love her in the stake probably even more than they love the stake president.
She asked me why I wanted to talk to her so I told her that she had been greatly recommended to me by some of my friends. She then asked me who and I said that for now I did not want to talk about it. I was surprised at the way she brushed it away as if it were really not important. I liked it a lot.
I did not want to tell her right away that I am LDS because I wanted to hear what she has to say if “I am not LDS”. It worked perfectly, she asked me a question I know she would not have asked me if she had thought I am LDS. After talking to her I felt partly dirty, partly low, partly I don’t know but it was negative and I did not feel like going back but 48 hours after I felt better and now I am eager to meet with her gaain. I think that I partly feel so bad because I told someone who does not me or my full story yet how much I hate my mother. I think this hate is very recent and very logical. I have hold on so long on the hope that I was capable of changing something that would improve our relationship and her life. I found out last year that it is out of my reach and actually was never within my reach and I feel angry. Maybe this anger and hate is actually the last thread that holds me in this relationship and I just can’t let go. But she is my mother and the only and last piece of family I once almost had. It feels like she is probably the reason why I can’t project myself in a family situation and therefore work toward having a family on my own. I guess if I were to let go of something I can’t really identify my whole life would be easier and happier.

Anyway, here I am agin at a point of my life that I don’t like and that is getting old for going back to this point so often but the good thing and good news is that I have enough experience now to know that it has nothing to do with God’s responsibility. The past days I have actually remembered a strange feeling I have had when I came back to the gospel. What I have to tell about why I came back always unsettle members even the most open minded ones so I’ll keep it for myself a little longer I guess and share only with you this: at one point I had a feeling of wonder because it felt like I caught a glimpse of the perfection of this plan I am a part of. I remember loving it and feeling: it is perfect. The sad thing with the word “perfect” is that it is both incorrect and a little wrong on the edges.
The word “perfect” means “finished”. If something needs to be added or if you can add something to an initial subject then the subject is in its essence imperfect. I have caught a glimpse of a glimpse of how beyond perfection this plan is. I am saying that it is beyond perfection because the plan does not need this word to be qualified.
This plan is.
Using a word like “perfect” helps us as mortals to reach intellectually the plan but it is almost mocking it to use this word. I mean it would be mocking it if it were about looking down at it or disregarding it but since it is about helping us understand it is ok to use this word. Yet I feel uncomfortable with the use of this word because I am sadden by the shortcomings of human languages.
With this knowledge I know how important it is for me to overcome this feeling of mine I have toward my mother but it is the biggest task I have had in my whole life I think and I don’t know how I can do it all in this life. Yet I know that I can’t progress in this life in any field of my life without overcoming this.
I so don’t want a daughter. I so don’t want her to have to go through this kind of feelings and trial too because at this point of my life I can’t picture having a daughter and failing where my mother and her mother and her mother have failed.
Well I am going to be 36 so my wish is on its way to be fulfilled 😛

The temple and my B-day

It was hard to come back from the temple.

In Europe, since temples are so far, we often go there for several days most of the time we go for a whole week. we get there on Monday when the temple is closed and we leave on Saturday.

Almost everytime I went to the temple before I was excommunicated the experience was bad in one way or another. somehting would really spoil it. the first time….well it was the first time. When you’re 19 or 21 and you’re going for the first time it is the “first time”. I really regret I had to go there before going on a mission. I wish we had a choice.

So when I got to the temple I tried really hard not to yield to my old negative feelings and tried to let myself be surrounded by the spirit. It is true that you find in the temple what you came with.

After getting properly dressed as I climb the long series of stairs a feeling of unworthiness amost overcame me and made me feel like running away. I felt below dirt. I felt like I had nothing to do here. I realized that this could really not come outside but came from inside. I knew I was worthy to be there and that this feeling did not have a ground to stand on from a gospel aspect. I was able to acknowledge that this came from in me and that it has always been here and maybe will always be here. I understood that this was the button Satan likes to press on one way or another to weaken me. I prayed for these feeling to go away and it did but neither the pain though nor the memory of it, though. I was very troubled by it and I understand a little better how they are things God really can’t go against. We are the ones who can make it go away if we have the will, He can only provide the tools. If I had children I would teach them to use those tools.

During the session I kept on playing with my piercing out of being nervous. Yes, I had an all white piercing just for the temple :P. When the moment came when I was just about to leave the session to go to the Celestial room I realized that my fist was clenched which is not an habit for me at all. This was such a trial for to go though this again but I wanted it so bad and this time I knew how to make it right. I was much better prepared. I really wish I had not been endowed so young. I was worthy of it but absolutely not emotionally ready for it.

So at first I went only once a day cause it was already much for me later during the week I was able to attend it twice. And eventually I was able to slide in a little session just before going back to France.

I am ready to go back now. The temple was the last fear I had to overcome. I wanted to write right away about it but it was really too much emotions and I am getting shy about it. Yes I know it is very different from the beginning of my blog when I hid very little. Now I like to try to make it as cool as possible partly to make my ideas and sentences more clear. I know it also loses a little of its “taste” (I don’t know how to say it another way. I am sorry, I am French. I either had to make a reference to food or sex, what would you have liked better?) but it takes too much energy now to do it the way I used to.

I wish I could share some things about my temple experience. I wish I would truly understand what I want to express. I wish I’d stop intellectualizing everything 😛

Anyway, two days after coming back form the temple was my birthday. This means that it was yesterday. I a got a “what the duck”. I love it. I feel cool with it.

Doing not too bad

And I am grateful for trials.

I just got robbed of 800 euros.

I am grateful for this because ten years ago I would have died if such a thing had happened to me.

I was angry when this happened of course but I also understood it was just another trial I had to go through. this one was more than unexpected as you’d think God would protect me in the field I need the more help. i don’t have the ffeling I have not been protected rather I feel it has been a unique opportunity for me to see if I would have enough faith to see His protection through this trial. It took me time but then I realized that I still have a roof, I still have friends or the church I can turn too if this becomes really an issue. I am not alone and even if I am upset and angry at lyself for letting myself being robbed I am still loved and watched over.

I feel like writing

I know I should have come back here sooner but I kept on feeling shy.
I know it sounds a little weird after all that I have written here but it is precisely because of all that I have written.

Many things have changed in my life since I Iast wrote. I am afraid to take a look back to check out when was the last time I wrote and what about.
Somehow I fell I must write and I start identifying this kind of urge.

Two weeks ago after church a brother hurt me in a way that withdrew much strength out of my physical and spiritual body. The following day my mother told me something really horrible and I know it is only a matter of time before she tells me something that will end our relationship.
It was so horrible that I was shaking and I had to ask for a blessing. It took me a week to get over it and I asked for another blessing the following sunday.
I am fine now but if I know my mother issue is something that cannot be solved in this life I have wondered what had driven this brother to hurt me. It is not so much what he said because he is entitled to his own opinion but the way he said it and how much he was deaf to my plead to him to stop saying what he was saying.
I realized that this brother must be not doing too good in his personal life because even if he looks the same he really seem to struggle to look the same. Beside I really think he was only an innocent tool in the hands of Satan to hurt me, to reach my most tender spot.
See I have committed to improve the quality of my sabbath this year. I even hope to be able by the end of the year to fully respect the sabbath as I believe and feel it should be. Kind of funny isn’t it?

Today this brother gave a talk.

I was horrified by something he said and I knew I was the only one in the assistance to be. It is something that I know people in the church think is acceptable and even right to say but I highly disagree. No matter what is the interpretation they have of the scriptures I know what is the general acceptable point of view on the subject is wrong.
Now I don’t fully understand how what I know fits in the plan God has for us but I know that the general opinion or interpretation is wrong just because of its fruits.
I usually don’t think it is worth doing anything and I usually don’t pay attention to talks like that. I wait for them to be over like I wait for rain to stop until I can get out again. But today I left the room and I found a friend of mine who was obviously really in pain. I found out that she had left the room for the same reason as I had but when for me it is just because I felt what was being said was un-acceptable she had left because what was being said was a direct attack to one of her children. Don’t get it wrong. This brother did not know he was doing this. Had he known I know he would have better chosen his words. Yet the pain has been inflicted. I wanted to cry when I realized that she was in pain and why she was in pain. We said a few sentence about it and then she said she wanted to talk about something else because she did not want to dwell in this feeling. We did and I made her test my newly created tiny cinnamon rolls. So in the end we talked about food (we French, nothing sooth us like food or sex but I guess we could not really talk about sex hu?) and my goals for this year.
We both felt better and I know we will never talk about it.

My friend will get over it. or so I hope, but I wish this brother would shut up these days.

Yesterday was hard

He broke up with her yesterday. It was very emotionnal.
She did not accept it.
She did not believe it.
Then she wanted to see a picture of me.
Today he told me she was extra nice to try to get him back.

What makes me sad is how she must think that he has cheated on her when he has not but he cant’ tell her that or else he will have to explain to her and she will either think we are crazy or that he is a bastard lying to her.

Monday was weird. I would feel happy and then nervous and then I would worry like crazy but then something that I have learnt to identify came. It was like a blanket of comfort and I knew everything was alright.

We know it is going fast and we know we look crazy but we both feel good about what we are doing and how we are doing it. I must add that I really feel the spirit that tells me I am right. He can always chose to go another way because he will always have his free agency but it won’t change what I feel which is : this is right.

let’s start with the sad part

I wrote a while back about my best friend and the poor choices she has been making. I knew she was wrong and I could not have been clearer when I told her so. I guess either I am wrong and I could have been or she really chose to use her free agency the wrong way.
I understand our Heavenly Father better when we tell Him “I am going to do that” and He is just screaming “Noooooooooooo” and still we do it. what can He do next? Help us out to get out of the bad situation we put ourself in because He loves us.
It is the same with my friend.
Yet I thought it would take longer before she would find herself in the state that she is in.

She is going crazy, literraly as I have in the same situation. She is hurting a wonderful man who has been with her for close to a decade.

Seeing her hurting this way I have felt anger again because she is writing her own condamnation and I had a feeling of unfairness. See, it is not so much the choice she is making but why she is making them and the fact that I keep on telling her the why and the how because I have been there but it does not seem to matter. If I should get exalted I am just not interested in getting there without my loved ones which includes her. I owe her so much and I can’t imagine eternity without her to stimulate me on an intelectual level and more. I just can’t imagine somehing that is worth not having her around anymore.
I know this kind of anger, I have felt it before and I know what it has lead me to feel and chose and do.
First I know that I need to sleep better because being tired damages my ability to see clear and to feel the spirit.
I know it sounds very “mortal” but i can tell the value of the word of wisdom.
Second what I have been doing has been to go to the bishop to tell him about what is bothering me. Not that he can do something for me, this kind of situation is way beyond his understanding but I need him as a bishop because I need to “check” myself.
Third I know I am doing good (not wonderful but good is great already) with my scripture reading and prayers and I need to keep this up. Something that excommunication has helped me with is that I have strictly no problem with expressing my anger at God. I know He finds my concern really slight compared to what He thinks is good for me but this is how I feel and I need to know that He knows to. I need to be sure that He knows that very little matters more to me than her being ok AND being with her if I should get exalted. And I intend to do my best to deserve it.
She is my best friend and this are not light words, this means something to me.

I have felt strongly an answer after expressing my feelings to God, I have felt that this is not really my business but His. He is aware of my feelings but He won’t stop her from doing what she wants the same way He has not stped me. I also felt that it is taken care of but I have an issue with this: Faith. If I don’t know or if I don’t see for myself I have a hard time trusting the way I should.
I don’t want to be told that she is taken care of I want to see how for myself. I want evidences. I want papers signed up with His own hand writting.
I know this is ridiculous too.
So I am just letting go and trying to be a friend as much as I can because honestly I am getting mad at her sometimes.

I have invited her boyfriend to the restaurant. I thought he needed to hear some things and I still think he needs to but I quickly found out he needed to be listened more than anything else. I felt bad for thinking I was going to tell him I wanted to be his friend and then starting to explain to him things that are true but that he does not need.

So things may turned out bad for my best friend but I will be there for her and if her couple should really explode as we are all expecting I hope I can be a friend for her boyfriend to as I claim to be.

Why was I born in this family?

I know now something that I have been wondering for a long time.

See I am always the one not thinking like the others. Almost to the point that I often think the opposite of what poeple expect me to think in this or this situation. I don’t do it on prupose, I am aware of it and I enjoy it on purpose but my attitude is not about contractidicting others it is really the way I am.

Spending time with my grand-mother I was touched by the way I am just like her in this attitude. I know now it comes from her. I just CAN’T bent myself into thinking like the crowd.
God knows she has made so many mistakes and still do but this “talent” has enabled her to find joy in situations that would provide none to anyone else just like for me. And I think that if it had not been for this ability to find something good in what people expect to be a catastrophy or to to think differently I would have made much more mistakes and maybe been dead even by now.

I also understand and feel how much our Heavenly Father loves her. She is half senile and half crazy but in the moment of lucidity she is able to draw closer to God than a lot of people I have met and I could relate so many time to what she would say (when I did not feel like beating her up).
I know, I just know without the Spirit bearing any testimony because I see it with my eyes, with the little spiritual sight I have that only for this, only because she has found the path to God, the path that enables her to be close to Him and understand Him He is trying to bless her with whatever she needs and want. And I know that when she is on the other side it will take a while before she understands the gospel (because let’s be blunt she is not the sharpest tool in the shed) but when she understands it she will accept it and it will really be easy for her.
She is to me an example of how no matter how old you are you can always work your way to our Heavenly Father. It may not be as easy when you are 75 as when you are 25 but it is always possible and this is really only what is asked of us. That’s all. It is so simple.
Because once we are close to Him then everything is easy, we just want to do it. It is by being close to Him that the desire to obey comes.


I am trying not to get too excited but it is hard.

This kid is supposed to be one of the tough one at the school but somehow we have bounded.
I have had the feeling that I was walking on egg shells lately with him and today after work the best thing happened.

I was on my way back home and I had stopped to buy something to drink and to eat because I was really hungry. I saw him as he was walking toward me and first I though that our path were just meeting so I handed some cookies over to him and then I realized that it was not an accident. He had seen me and had come over to reach me because he wanted to introduce me to his mom!
He even said to her that I was the one he had told her about and that I was kind.
Do you hear this?

He trusts me for real!

Now I have to make sure I can do my job and explain things to him and keep his trust. I only have a school year to go I hope I can hold on that long.

I had been wondering about the last incident and thought that maybe feeling bad that I caught him lying to me he would feel humiliated and break away from the little bound we were making but NO. He came to get me to introduce me to his mother.

Now I have to find a way to explain to him that he needs to calm down because not everybody is against him. Then I really need to help him get a little better education or at least want to.
He is a very smart kid but the kind who gets easily mad at everybody because he just does not have the words to tell or understand what he needs. if only he could get this education I know he could do much better than to be a mechanic in some factory.
I am not saying that to be a mechanic is wrong generaly speaking but it would be wrong for him because he can do something else, Something that would really enable him to blosom and grow and become the oak he can be instead of remaining a bush like the others.

I guess his potential the problem is to have him feel this potential and understand that it can be a drive instead of the pain I see he is experiencing.

Missionnaries technics

I am right now listening to this post cast.
How can I express my gratitude for my mission president?

Did we get awards on my mission?
Did we get goals to reach?

Yes to every question that may come to your mind.

Yet my mission has been different.
I knew this mission president, although not perfect, was a good one but listening to this podcast I understand better the feeling some had that he was made of the same material as GA.

The awards we would get were not for the numbers of baptism we had, I mean unless some crazy numbers were reach (as high as 11! Which was nothing compared to what I hear on this podcast) but we never had a hard goal to reach.
I also remember the low, extremly low goal for “tracting” we had. I know they have really high goal in some mission. Not in ours. Our misison president really wanted quality rather than quantity so he had this requirement for us to be able to count a conversation as tracting. We had to have mentionned at least 3 gospel principals or subjects such as: families, God, Jesus-Christ.
This was smart because we had to have a real conversation with them in order to put them in our numbers and therefor to care for them a little more than we would have otherwise.

You bet we had awards.
They were for memorizing a certain amount of set scriptures.
Never for the bigest numbers.
Not only did he NOT take us out for dinner if we had big numbers but when he had to go home just a month before I did he gave a blessing to each of us. I remember what he said in mine because I wrote it down just after he did and I knew it was inspired. I still do.
Oh yeah…and all of the sisters got a hug too!

Did he used “sales” technics on the mission?
You bet he taught us to. He had worked in the advertisement all his life and after his mission went to teach it at BYU

But they were nere really applied to “the mission” but to “our mission”.
What I mean was that he cared for our growth more than for the mission growth because he knew the two were linked.
I know he helped me to become a stronger member.
Paradoxically I believe hard that if I had not served a mission and with THIS mission president I would probably not have been excommunicated. My mission and this man opened my eyes on so many things that when I came back home and knew what I needed and just could not find it, it really made things harder for me in the church as a member of the church.
I was more fragile like most missionnalies are specially when they come back to an environment where nobody understands what you come back from. And worse, all the members thought they knew because you knw…they have been long time members.
I had the theorical knowledge I needed to become a strong member but then not only did I not have the material to help but trials quickly worsen.

Up to this day I wonder if I had had what I needed when I came back if it would have made me as strong as I am today.
Excommunication is a pain to me because of what led me to this point of my life and I am not talking about the breaking of a commandment.
When I look back I still hurt and sometimes some things repeat themselves today.
The thing is that my time out of the church helped me to find in myself the material I was looking for outside.

I know the usual comments people make to this kind of thought is : yes you are stronger because you found the strength within and blah blah blah. And then they even come up with the diamond alegory sometimes. I like it and I think it is true.
But isn’t the fact that I HAD to be excommunicated to become who I am an evidence that something failed in my environment?
Wouldn’t I have been as strong but differently if things had gone they way they were supposed to? I am not talking about perfection and no trials. I am talking about a way where I could have found strength in the gospel in my ward. Where I could have been fed on the strength of others and then feed the others’ strength too.
My path makes me feel different and lonely because I have come to understand things on my own that I just can’t share with my ward and I feel it is a waste sometimes.