Thinking about the spirit

Something just hit me this morning when I was still in bed. It all became as clear as water.
When I was younger I heard/read some authority, I think, who told us to be carefull because if Heavenly Father is mindfull of what we say in our prayers Satan can hear them too.
And when I woke up the way he woks to deceive us through our prayers and the answers we get or we looking for just became obvious.
We may get an answer or not from God. If we do it is very seldomly through an identified mail coming from God telling us step by step what we should do. It is so light and so hard to feel that we can be easily deceived by other “positive” feelings. Yet I want to say that once you have learned how to make the difference between the whispering of the Spirit and somehting else (whatever this may be) it is pretty easy to know you got an answer coming from the right source.
But what about when you get an answer coming from God that leaves room for interpretation? This is when Satan is so cunning and so smart. Because we DID get an answer. It DID come from the Spirit. So why doesn’t it fit in my life? Why is it not going the direction of my testimony?
Let me be more specific.
This sister I told you about who opened to me about how in pain she feels that she is not fnding a husbandis a good example.
One evening, I was having “family home evening” with her and two other girls and she told us how when she was a young member she wanted to get married, but then she did not get married to someone. She prayed about it and she felt an answer that she interpreted as “in three years you’ll be married”.
And of course she is feeling low because the three years are almost over and there is nothing that looks like a husband around her.
See where I am aiming at?
First was it “you will be married at the end of a period of three years”? Or was it “wait three years before you start really looking for a husband”? She strongly felt this three years thing. Good for her. I believe it is what God wanted to tell her but did she understand it right? And was it really from the right source? I want to believe it was. I feel it was. But we can imagine it was not.
What I am saying is that what I have been through has taught me first to identify the source of my answer and also another great and really valuable lesson in my case:
To take time to understand and interpret what I am feeling or being told. If necessary to go back on my knees and pray even more. God will never consider me too dumb if I don’t uderstand it at first or if I am unsure. It is exactly the opposite.
There is no rush. The only important thing, the only point I need to focuse on is to get it plain and right. Because my decision may be the most important in my life.

PS: Tomorrow will be the first day of October. This is getting closer and closer. I am almost done with all the preparations.

This morning

Is a new week. We are done with my sister’s bedroom. I feel I could do the hallway without crying (but I could be wrong because this hallway is going to be a pain) and I understood what bothered me so much about my stake president (he is going to be released at the end of the month). I have “put my finger” on why I feel sorry for him. And I do even more now that I understand why. And I mean really sorry, not “you idiot, I’d rather pity you than hate you”. What I have been through has made me stronger in some ways. Of course the fields I was weak before. It is like, I have becomre strong in my doubts. I used to see doubts like a kind of spiritual cancer that could be caught by unrighteous acquaintances, thoughts or whatever. Now I not only doubts but I also love it.

Talking about something else my sister told me something really cute this past week end and I think there is much to ponder actually on this little thing.
She calls her temple recommend her “V.I.P pass”. So, yesterday she got her interview to get her V.I.P pass. I like it. She is not anybody, she got her temple recommend. This is a V.I.P pass (how do you like it Mikki?). I hope that she calls it this way because she feels this is precious.

Yesterday one of the councellor of the bishop over heard me and some members saying “speach in sacrament meeting”. He pretended to sneak in the conversation saying “what? What? Did I hear “speach in sacrament meeting”?” I wanted to tell him that I don’t mind giving another one but I did not because I just don’t have this kind of reflex anymore.

Yesterday it went great in the nursery. The three little brats were pretty ok. Actually the only boy was absolutely great. He cried as usually and after that he just became the nicest kid on earth. He was so cute and funny and everything. He had plenty of stuff to eat so I asked him if it was ok to share. I don’t want to just share is treats because his mom had put them in it for him but on the other hand I could not let him eat while the other little children would look at him (and you know they would not just look at him). So it began a game between the three to share the treats. What happened is what I expected: they would give each others what they had or what the other had. It did not mean that they did not eat some. But some pieces would go to each child before it would be eaten.
I try not to think about all the germs that they also shared this way ;o)

It is looking good

Here is the project:

The art teacher wants to make her class work on “writing” photography meaning “writing with light” we are going to work on experimentale photography. I will have two groups of students to work with for an hour each group. This required me to change a little my schedule so as to leave work an hour latter. There was no problem for me but I had to ask my boss if it was ok if I’d come and leave an hour latter, beside it is only starting in Januray and will last like three months I think.

I was able to talk to B yesterday. Yipee! He has been called as a single adult president. Not yipee. Hands off women! Let me buy his kids love before you try anything. More seriously, I will be in the US in less thanĀ  month now. He asked me if I was excited about my coming. I have never met him and it would be totally immature to be excited about this trip just because of him. I think he wanted me to say that I really wanted to see him but after the sweet experience that drove me (among other things) to be excommunicated I am a little (meaning a lot) more affraid to express such thing. I think I was too “intense” and I would be a little invasive with my way to express my feelings. I really think that I was too much. Now I wonder if I have backed up too far or if B is just more open about saying things that I am not comfortable with anymore.

I mean I used to be someone express her emotions without any fear, without any restriction. I loved to express my positive feelings and I loved to support the man I believed in. “G” just destroyed all of it. I may have been too much but now I realize that I don’t know what would be appropriate because I am affraid to spoil everything….

Typing this makes me realize that I am wrong.


He was the one who was totally messed up.

He was the one who could not handle someone believing in him, supporting him, being patient with him. He is the one who destroyed it because this was too good for him and having somehitng good means that you eventually have to deserve it.

My way to be was maybe a little too much but I was right in my attitude.

“Maybe” I need to change my behavior before I spoil something good.

Waiting for B

I am like an idiot, waiting by the phone, hoping I can talk to B tonight. I was supossed to call him exactly a week ago but thanks to freaking France telecom I was not able to do so. Thanks to my phone company that took over the problem so as to fix it as soon as possible.

This week one of the art teacher told me she would like to work with me on a project. This is exciting. She is interested in my photography club and the project she has would require me to change a little my schedule but I really don’t mind.

I will tell you more about it if it works.

The pleasure to study

I did not sleep well last night therefore waking up was tough. Since I had to work today I really wanted to read my scriptures before going to work.

I did.

You should have seen me, I was rather funny. It was so hard to open my eyes and to force both of them to focus so I could read that I would open one eye after the other because I really wanted to read and enjoy the feeling it brings for the day, how it makes me feel during the day. It is really nothing much and I almost don’t feel the difference if I don’t have to go outside or do something special. It is subtil. It feels like being wraped in a soothing cloud all day long which makes negative or hard things more bearable.

I am just grateful beyond words that our Heavenly Father kicked me back into the church. I am curious to know why but if I never found out I’ll be fine.

It feels so good to enjoy reading my scriptures. I never did before I was excommunicated. I just read them because I had to but never felt this connection between God and me when reading them. Now I do. Yes you’re going to say that there lies the begining of the answer and I will tell you that you’re right.

Before I moved out, a long time ago (a month ago) when I had a lot of free time. I would not necessarely read my scriptures right away in the morning. I would often spend the whole morning searching the net for things to study gospelwise or concerning the mormon cultur. Then I would read my scriptures with a more prepared brain. I miss having access to my own computer and internet and I miss having time to do it.

I understand now what I study, what I learn. I also know what I want and know what I need to work on.

I am aware now that I am not strong. Not at all. But I know where my weaknesses are now. I am aware of them. I am not talking about the obvious things. I am talking about the little slight things that in the end close my spirit and prevent it from being in tune with His spirit such as my awefull tendency to sarcasm. Sarcasm is ok, it is funny, it is witty. But too much will not lead me anywhere but where I have been. It was ok to be there for a while. I have learned what I needed to learn and I don’t need to go back because this time I will really lose myself. And I am what I have best.

I am bad

I really wat to wear my Gs again. I try not to think about it too much because then it makes me really sad. I try to divert my thought about it by enjoying the fact that I can by regular underwear that are cute. I mean I really enjoy them. You know how important it can be for us women. So I enjoy it while I can and try not to think too much about my Gs (that I have kept safe actually) and what they mean in general and what wearing them again will mean to me now.

Anyway I went shopping a little with my previous bishop’s wife. The one I told you about. I love to see how happier they look. I mean they look even happier than before all this happened. I am so happy for them that their love (maybe I should say his love more specifically) was stronger than their issue. I would have felt crushed if she had not come back to him. Of course he is the kind of man who learns from his mistake also. So it makes things easier ;o)

We had a little fun spoiled by her 5 years old brat adorable little boy. We bought the same lingerie which made us laugh. I mean it was really not expensive and cute. We laughed thinking that we could someday talk about how much “one” could like it. I mean she has someone, I don’t really but I could someday. Then we’ll be able to “discuss” it.

It was either a post like this or a sad post about how much I miss my Gs….what would you have liked better?


I actually would like to adopt a child but I know I won’t.

This child would have to meet a specific requirement.

I want to adopte a down syndrom child.


Because I want to adopt a child and because I don’t mind handicaped and because when I was a teenager I saw a documentary about handicaped people and more specifically down syndrom young people. One of them had been pretty much abandonned by her sister (I think their parents were dead but I am not sure) in this home for disabled young adults. She had put her pic on the wal and she was proud to show it to the journalist and talk about the tiny bits of real life that she had experienced. When she talked about her sister the journalist asked her if she saw her sister. She said no. She bowed her head and said that her sister was ashamed of her because she had down syndrom.

I was a teenager but this really hurt me for her. There is nothing I can do for her but I could do something for another child, maybe.

This way not only would this child know that s/he is loved but also that s/he was desired specifically for what people see as reluctant. I want to teach someone for good that what makes her/him being diferent is not a handicape around the right people.

I mean seriously, what is a handicape?

It is something that makes you so obviously out of the norm and not as effective or productive as everyone has decided. What is a good production? I am totally a filthy UMPist (the french equivalent of democrate) and I believe in the survival of the fitest. But I have seen so many people who faked productivity or who, to me, totally endangered humanity through their stupidity and yet were considered “normal” that I have started doubting the notion of “handicape” as I was taught by our society. How many of us have seen people that should never have reproduce? I see it daily at my school. I see children that are so thick that I wonder how they ever learned how to hold a spoon and then I see their parents and I think that the apple did not fall far from the tree.

Compared to them a down syndrom child does not scare me at all and I would be more proud to have such a child than to have one of those moron as an offspring.

There is one person in my ward that I admire concerning mother-children relationship.

She has been a member of the church for 50 years but her children are not members at all. Yet, the way she raised them makes me want to have children. They are physically ok, pretty adverage from a “people magazine” point of view but I see them as beautiful because they look balanced and happy. They’re smart, they are educated, they’re funny, they’re clean and everthing you would expect from good standard LDS. But they’re not LDS.

The thing with members of the church is that they expect the acronyme “LDS” to be like a magic spell to have the best kids. But it is not the label that makes us who we are. And talking about this woman and her children I can see perfectly how the gospel has been their mother’s strength to raise people like them. She made me laugh once when I was younger. She said that her children were not beautiful. I was both surprised and chocked and amused. She does not see how good of a work she has done. She is aware that she has been a pretty good mother but she does not realize how great and handsome her children are because they look like they carry something better that makes them better than most people and this has come from her.

Anyway, I know I have little chance to marry someone who will share the same point of view as mine about handicaped children.

Maybe I do need to have children.

Just so that I can transmit this point of view to more people and thus optimize the chances to improve someone’s life….

Maybe children are good for something after all.

I hope that you all did not take me too seriously concerning my point of view about children. I mean I am not crazy about them but I don’t really hate them or look down at them.


I am so glad I did not comb my hair today.

Yes, most of the time, when I don’t even comb it people tell me that they look good. I understood this lesson a long time ago and thus saved a lot of time.

Anyway, one of the child in the nursery is a little girl who says only “no”, who is in love with her dady (she is a little early for this one) and who has (to say the least) a pretty strong temper. Not bad temper just strong.

Anyway I got her to like me a little today when I let her mess with my hair.

All right girl, if it is what it takes to have you accept me.

I also spent probably half an hour laying on the floor trying to sooth a little boy who cried pretty much the two hours nursery lasted.

I told him “Matthias I have two words for you “birth control”!”. And don’t worry, I said this in english.

If I should get married and my husband should like a child I will answer that I want a WII!!!!

This is why divorced men are great, they already have children so you have a good excuse not to have one.

I mean I would love to have children as long as they skip all the painfull years and directly reach the time when they are grown-ups and are interesting beings with who you can have meaningfull conversations.

Somehow I don’t feel any attraction toward diapers and screams. I don’t know what is wrong with me but I don’t think that the time the making of a baby last can be worth the time you spend trying not to lose your mind. I am FOR living the law of chastity even AFTER you have gotten married….but then what would be the point of getting married?

Having someone to help you with the grocery bags maybe?


I am tired, disapointed and frustrated.

I have been moving and working on the appartment and getting very little sleep for three weeks now. I am disapointed and frustrated because things just don’t go as fast as I had planed because I am so tired.

I wake up tired each morning and very often with a migraine.

But I am happy because I will be able to go to church tomorrow morning and this is the high light of the month since I won’t be able to go to church next sunday.