There is nothing more I need

I now understand how and why we are told that we forget the Lord when we are granted blessings. I have to double check myself to pray and read my scriptures. I guess I never was blessed enough that all I could think about was the blessing I got. Kind of stupid to replace the source of my blessing my the blessing itself.
This blessing is so “gigahuge” to me that I have to focus very hard to feel the spirit. It is kind of disturbing to feel this way as not everything in this story is perfect as I have been taught perfection should be in the church. Oh well I guess this just adds up to the evidence I already have that no matter what we think or believe, our ways are not His ways really no matter what we assume his ways to be.

I need to read my scriptures now.

Freaking Frightening

I have been told by two different people who have nothing in common that I look like I am scared of something about “him”.
Yes I am and I think I am barely figuring out what.
Everything is so perfect that I am afraid for a reason or another it is going to end.
I now trust him and his feelings.
I need to stop being afraid because I know that with a twisted trick of life it is when we fear something that this thing happens.

My instinct tells me it is true, the Spirit confirmed to me twice that this is true AND good and yet something in me wants it to stop before life puts an end to it.
The only way I have found to fight it is to be with him but as we both need to work (and he does more than me) I just can’t have it my way, beside I know it would only be a patch, not the solution. I know he would just love the patch, though. But on a long run it would not be wise.
I really need to talk to my therapist. She asked me for the next time to think about what scares me in this relationship. I thought I wanted to tell her that I am afraid he will become a member and therefore I will lose him. I am sorry to say so but the mormon culture is devastating for so many couples. I am not saying that the gospel destroys families. Heck no.
The mormon culture destroys couples who don’t agree to revolve only around this paradigm. Yet because the gospel strengthen families people are “happy”. I think this is what I have been fearing and envying in the mean time.
I want to family model I have been raised to like but I don’t want the couple model at all.

I really need to talk to my therapist about what I think made this fear I have even more real:

I was sleeping at his place. I often wake up at night to go to the bathroom and of course I did. On my way to the bathroom an incident happened which made a violent row. I knew it was going to wake him up and of course it did. I heard he was awake so I tried to calm him and tell him that it was only me.
I expected him to yell. I have been used to yelling and more in this kind of situation. He needed to sleep because he does a very important job that involves armies not just ours. I would have been normal to me for him to be crossed.
I was devastated.

He rose and I repeated that it was only me.

I was really afraid of his reaction as he went back to bed and did not say anything

Later on he held me very tight in his arms and his breathing changed. I did not understand his reaction because I was expecting anger and his reaction was something I could not decypher. I asked him what it was and he told me “I was scared”.

Had he been crossed even slightly I would have felt better now as I am typing this.

I am so grateful for the gospel and the gift of the Spirit that enables me to see through a blurry vision and that both comfort me and guide me. I know I need to talk, I need to get it out, I need to write it here so as to have a trace of it, this way I’ll be able to talk with my therapist about it and get it out of my life and out of my working system.

It’s him

It seems that I should be married by the end of the year or the beginning of the next one.

I try to take it easy but it is hard. It would be so easy to let things flow and spend most of our time together but I don’t believe it is a good thing. Like today he wanted to cancel something that he does every Wednesday to be more with me. I told him to go because we will spend time together anyway yet he loves what he does then and I don’t know at all if I’d love it or not. He needs to have things he does alone like I do.
We both do A├»kido but I would never want to go to his club or him coming to mine. It could happen in the future though as we don’t practice on the same days and it would really make sense when we are married to spend more than two or three evenings together a week.

My biggest issues is that I have debts and I need to find ways to pay them before we get married. They are not debts out of wrong things, I had no choice but they are debts anyway.

the good news is that I can sell a body camera that I was saving as a spare body in case of trouble if I’d ever shoot weddings again. But since he has the same camera as mine I could borrow his in case of problem so next week this camera is out and I will reduce my debt and thus hasten the time when we can get married.