My room

10 month after moving in and after doing my sister’s room we are eventually doing mine.
So far it is going good, hope no catastrophe will occur.

I have to tell much about this week end. But first and the most important you need to know that although the Mormon culture is different in France than in the US (and they are a few things that I really appreciate here) I think that I won’t fit in. It does not really matter because on the contrary to what happens elsewhere I won’t be shut out. I remember when I was a child that all those who where not part of the culture where not good members and actually this was one of the message of my bishop when I was re-baptized. Crazy? Yes but I did not care about it because I knew he was wrong. And better than this, although I did not feel comfortable last Saturday, I know it all came from me but I was neither pushed to feel this way nor pressure to feel better.
It as a good learning experience.

Hope, Faith…delusion?

My grand-mother called me from Lebanon.
I have been wanting to call her or to write to her since we came back from Nice and I had even started to write a letter.
I feel so sorry for her. I am so sad. She may not have been perfect but she does not deserve what she got.

But she has confirmed to me what I have sensed. I deeply believe that God not only loves her like he loves any of His children but I really think He is happy about how she has turned to him.

I am feeling low these days. Not that there is anything wrong really going on in my life but I see a lot of people going through hard times and I know now that there is nothing I can do to change it. I can do things to help but it will work only as much as they want it to work.

I spent yesterday evening with Belle and once again I have felt extremely sad. I know her husband was wrong but how in the world could he had gotten it when she even let her own sons treat her like a doormat? I understand that I need to be here for her but she won’t get better until she changes it and right now the only advice she listens to are those which encourage her to confront her “still” husband. It is wrong, this is not how she will get better.
I feel low because I want to do something. I want to change it and the best I can do is be here and wait because doing more would only result in a more negative out come.
I understand how God does NOT interfere with our lives as much as many people would want Him to. I understand the need to behave this way but I still have to learn how not to feel low and bitter. I am not really bitter but I think I would become if my life was only about looking at people making mistakes that I have solved already or that I could solve, knowing they have the potential to do it by themselves and still don’t.
I guess it is a matter of “big picture” stuff. Or at least I hope it is because if it is another skill to develop it is going to be much cry, blood and tears again.

How can He trust us?

My atheist best friend

My friend got a good laugh thanks to my mother.

My sister was on the phone last week with our mother and our mother told her “If I don’t get a miracle by the end of next week I will not believe in God ever again
It made me laugh.
It made my friend laugh.
And if I should get a chance to tell this to my mother she would not even understand why she is ridiculous. I mean she knows she is ridiculous but she would look for ways to justify her attitude.

I am getting a testimony that God could not careless the way we take as long as it is the best for us.
I believe the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has the most truth in it but I am getting a strong testimony that it does not make this church “the best” one.

I have felt that my grand-mother’s change of heart is the reason why I felt softly prompted to make it possible for her to meet Eÿnora and she is a devout catholic. I really feel from the change I have felt both in her behavior and in her talks that our Heavenly Father is pleased with her. I think I really love her just for the example she is setting.

My mother had had twice in a very short period of time the visit of nuns. They had never come to her door before. And she is asking for a miracle? I believe these nuns were inspired to come to my mother’s door and I am sorry for her that she just hardens her heart every time God tries to reach out to her. How could she ask for more? There is no sweeter miracles than this.

I don’t feel anger as I type this. I am sad for my mother but in the mean time I am grateful for a God who cares for my mother. A God who is putting so much effort in avoiding my mother some tremendous sadness when she gets on the other side and realize what she has lost.

I need to write to my grand-mother but I don’t know how to make short what I want to tell her.

Back ten years ago

I am not complaining.
I have always wanted to serve God but my mind/spirit has always been cluttered by a bunch of other things that hurt me and eventually lead me to live another life.
When it got really rough during my time out of the church I would remember how on my mission I was deeply moved by one of the song of Julie De Azevedo “masterpiece”.
When I heard it on my mission it would take me much strength not to cry because this is what I wanted. This was put in the right words what I really wanted. So when I was excommunicated I would feel angry and bitter when this song would come back to my mind.
As I have said before, when I was excommunicated I felt strongly the spirit telling me that it was ok. That God was sad and sorry for the path that had lead me to this point and that it was definitely what he had in store for me at first.
This was why I would be angry when I would remember this song and the feeling it had conveyed. He knew I had been sincere, He knew that I could not endure some things and yet had let it happen still.
I am not angry at all anymore. I just wanted to say this so you’d understand.
Ten years ago I so wanted to serve him and I knew I was screwing up almost everything I was doing. Nope, sister missionary are not better than elders.
Anyway, ten years ago I had a companion I could work with. I did not feel alone.
Now I do and I am scared.
I have realized that I am the only one Belle will talk to because she expects me to agree with everything she says or do because she sees me as a rebel.
This is true, I am. but only because I firmly believe this or that not because I have to rebel. I am a rebel to men, not to God.
I understand that I have the potential to have her keep a window open in case she wants to come back and that being the only one she trusts I am the only one who can do this. I feel like when I was on my mission. I don’t want to decline the responsibility but I know I have the power to screw it up beautifully and I am afraid of this.
She is behaving such like a child, I understand that she would not want phone calls from the older sisters in the ward because she must think that they, having knowing her for like 20 years or so, must be judging her (which could not be further from the truth) but the youngest sisters should be like white pages to her. This is why I feel alone.
I opened up to my lovely-sweet-close to perfection(I am kidding on the last one) RS president and expressed to her how I feel. She told me I am not alone and that she can be here for me. I know she is sincere and I know she is capable of much. I trust her and feel better. She said exactly what I needed to hear and they were not just words. I feel like she is my companion in this case and it makes me feel good.
But I am still the only one in the front row and it makes me nervous. Like very nervous.

Sometimes I really wish I had not been sent to the US. Sometimes I wish I had been sent to a country where things had been easier culturally so that I could have focus more on the work and less on trying to make myself understood or on understanding what was going on.

I am glad I went my mission to the US because I have been able to grow in ways that I would have not been able to elsewhere I think but I get also pissed off when I think about the work I have spoiled/missed/failed in. I don’t know, maybe I would have then be too self confident and would totally lack something that I must have because of my lack of current self confidence concerning this case. You know how life and human nature can be very ironic.


I’ll call my former bishop’s future ex-wife “Belle” for you. I am not going to use her real name. I don’t know why I am doing this since: a) she is not going to read my blog. b) Even if she finds my blog she does not understand a word of English anyway. C) if she would read my blog and understand it it would not really matter because I am not saying anything wrong about her. d) you don’t know her anyway.

Belle sent me two emails today. I think that she is really doing bad. The reason why I named this post “mirror” is because I realize that I understand her perfectly because I am going through the same emotions although much less strong.

I understand she is angry and she should be. The problem is that she should not do anything that she will regret someday and I am afraid she’ll make any choice that will drive her away from what she has been the past year. The issue is that although the motivation for her choices were wrong the choices themselves were right.
This is what the kind of woman she and I are need to work on: make the right choices the way we have done them but with the right focus and not out of emotions.

The good news is that I am among the few women she seems to trust or she seems to want to be with because she has invited me and my sister to her place when it seems that she has not invited anyone else from the RS. I am sad that she seems to not want to talk to Dany. It makes it harder for me.
Now as much as I like our RS president I think I am going to have to keep this for myself because I know Belle is avoiding being a “project” and without meaning it this is what our RS president is doing out of her. I know she is doing it because she cares for her and not because she cares so much about being like a good RS president. She is smarter and better than this attitude. But I know she does not really understand the state of despair you are when you are taking the wrong path.
She is right now letting all that she had been repressing take control of her life and the worse thing we can do is going against it or even lead her to believe we are going against it. Even if all the sister in the ward only wanted to be with her without any church goal in mind at all she would just feel trapped. the fact that she would be wrong would not matter. What matters is how she feels and the path she is taking. I am going to do my best to be an exit for when she is ready.

I realized something today. Nothing big. I just understood a little better the mechanism by which I have been lead to make the choices I have made. I understand better why God trust me in some field and what are the fields I need to get stronger. It is kind of like looking at a watch. You know that there is a mechanism that makes it work. You can open the watch and see it. You can understand that this is doing this to that and so on. but it does not make you understand how to repair it.
I know what not to do if I want to keep it working. Thank you. But what I find interesting is how it works. Not that I would be able to fix it myself but maybe someday I’ll need this knowledge. And today I understood a tiny little thing.

Sometimes I think that when I get the big picture I’ll be so thrilled to have participated in it, I’ll be so amazed that I’ll keep my mouth shut and won’t voice the questions or reproaches. Then sometimes I only hope it is really worth it because it is surely taking a lot of strength to just try to do it, not even succeeding in doing something, only trying. I know this is where the atonement takes place too. But I just hope I won’t feel this sacrifice has been wasted on me.

I really wish I had a father

With the priesthood that I could turned to for a blessing. I know I can turn to my home teachers or any brother in the church but I wish I could just pop up and ask my father a blessing.
I need one these days. I have many questions that I have a hard time finding an answer to and it is getting more and more confused and I don’t do well in confusion.

I guess getting married would be a good way also to have the priesthood at home but I am in one of this time when I just don’t want anything. I feel grumpy and no it is not because I am PMSing.
And I thought that adolescence was over!

One of the hardest thing for me about finding any kind of interesting person (and I am not even thinking about finding a friend or more) is that I have standards that I refuse to lower because I have done it before and I have wasted so much that I am not willing to do it again.
One of the thing I am looking for is courage.
I am not talking about the courage to stand up for your values and all type crap around it because when you meet one of these perfectly right person, most of the time they just “stood up” out of ignorance toward others. Thus confronting one ignorance to another one.
What I mean by courage is what it takes to leave the wide and enticing path of Mormonism to develop a personal relationship with our Heavenly Father and doing so developing spirituality. I am not talking about those who are in the church and have some crazy point of view on details concerning the gospel. You know what I am talking about.
I am talking about those who free themselves (or at least try) from what the church expect them to do to follow what God expects from them. This is why I love my RS president so much. She is one of those. As I have said many times I just disagree with her on about any gospel topic but we get along really great because she is the kind of person I am looking for.

I know I can let go with her and maybe we can become real good friends. I know she is looking for friends and support in this ward. Hey! She knows she already got my support. I don’t know about my friendship because I take longer now to grant it. I like to build this kind of relationship slower now.

Anyway I am glad she is around because I would feel very lonely. Not that have not prepared myself for this situation but it is nice to have her around still.

I knew it was going to happen someday

I was just hoping it would be latter.

When my mother came last week end she asked me absolutely out of the blue without trying to make it sound natural what is my biological grand-parents wanted to get in touch with me? Would I be willing to talk to them?

Oh mother, you are so subtle (not).

So they called you hu?

Why didn’t they call me? I am in the white pages and they know my name.

My best friend smartly suggested that they may have thought that I could just hang up when knowing who would have been on the phone. I wonder why they would fear this? Not sleeping well maybe? Is there anything that could bother them?

Anyway I told my mother “I would tell them” that I would not mind talking to them but they would have to understand that I am not the girl who wrote to them ten years ago. And ten years ago I was not the kid they had known although I was still pretty close to it. I hope she will faithfully tell them my words and not try to add a little something of her own. I hope that if they make the choice to call me they won’t do it on my B-day. I would just hate it. I knew they would want to get back to me someday I was just hoping that it would be latter but I understand they they’re growing old and they may want to leave this earth at peace with everything but I don’t feel like I have solved it all yet. I am still hurt by them. Funny because I am more mad at them than I am at my own mother.
No matter what I have to reproach my mother she has hurt me because of what she has done, not because she has left me.
This is how I feel about life in general. I find less guilt in something wrong done than in something good NOT done.
What makes me sad is that my mother is the only person who knows the whole story and pretty much the only person I can’t talk to about it.

Now I am waiting for their phone call. I don’t think they’ll call me in the coming days but it could happen in a few weeks or a few month. And since my B-day is coming up, once again I hope that they won’t call me for it.

On the plus side…if we talk again to each other I can have the secret crêpes recipe 🙂
and all the family pictures and find a way to do family history for their side of my ancestors although I am not legally allowed to.

I find interesting how when I want to help so much some sisters in my ward, how when I am ready to invest myself and my energy I get all of a sudden my attention sucked out by my family whether it’d be my mother and her mental disease or some sudden wake up call from an other part of my family that I was trying to forget about.

This is rough

My former bishop IS divorcing.
I am sorry for him.
It could have turned out ok with work but he did not want to. The saddest thing is that he believes he is right because this is how he has been raised by his father and he thinks that his father’s views were supported by the gospel.
I feel so sad about it. He is so wrong.

It has been a rough week and a rougher day.

I am right now in this situation where I know I can be of a great help and I know I have the potential to screw it up like really big.

I am going to write to his future ex-wife because I love her and no matter what she does I am only wishing that she does not do anything that will hurt her.

I hate to feel this way. It was the same on my mission when I cared for people who would have probably liked to know that I cared about them but frankly it could make me sick if I’d let this feeling invade my life too much. On my mission I did let it invade me. I am not sure I am ready for the same experience.
I guess it is prayer time again hu?

Once again why am I so stupid?

My mother had made efforts to be nice so I had made efforts to open up.

And yesterday she blamed me for something that is only in her head and hurt me with what I had opened up to her about.

Why do I always fall in this tick?

I am going to be 33 and I still believe her. There is really no preaching to do to others, no advise to give when I am still able to fall in this. She just plays with my need to have a mother because this is the way she can have an insane power over my life instead of having the power of love.

How much am I responsible for my feelings?

I think that I am not but am I right to think this way?

I feel angry. This is 100% directed at her but to be honest I am angry at myself for lowering my guard. Why do I have to have a guard against my mother?