No big M word dang…

Mikki, can you refrain from being such a girl?
geeeeeeeeez

So, when I bought this really nice camera I also registered on a photography forum. Of course I put my photography blog on my profile and all the members came to see it.
One of the moderator of the forum came back often and even left comments.
We wrote a lot to each other and it is realy nice to have someone who has so much knowledge who is willing to help me.

I really need to talk to my bishop because the temple in France may be bocoming a reallity and I was expecting not to be able to go there when I was out of the church, even when I came back I knew that if something should happen I may not be able to go to the temple but now it has been like two years and I would be sad to miss this out.
Beside I really need to go there no matter where it is because I need councelling and I need to feel really close to our Heavenly Father. Well I feel close, I need to feel even closer. I am in one of those situation where I need to know of feel where/what I am steping in although I feel really good about it. I need to know it is not just me but it is also really approved by our Heavenly Father.

Sometimes life is tricky.
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All right Mikki.

April fool

This moderator and I have been communicating a lot and he drove 90 km back and forth to spend a day with me and he will do it again next friday.
I need to go to the temple. I really like him.
The “funny” part is about the law of chastity. I don’t know how I screw things up but I must not have been clear about it because he understood something much harder than it is really. When I cleared it out he said “oh, ok, I can live with that”. I refrain from saying “YOU CAN? Because I have a hard time with it myself!!!!”
It would not have been smart to say such a thing after how much we’ve been discussing the subject.

Anyway, he has been with this woman for 18 years but they have been less than roomates forever. They are not even sleeping in the same room.

This week end she has asked him to go to the French Riviera (which he hates) and he told me that he would much rather go there with me. To which I answered that it is up to him. He answered back that this situation was not going to last forever and that it was a matter of weeks. WOW, due to the situation I was expecting a few months. I mean I don’t know what they have in common but I knid of expect them to have bought their place for example. If it is not their place I am sure they have much stuff in common and I don’t see how this could be solved quickly.

Beside he can’t change city since his job is very specific. And the city is really small so I wonder how he is going to work things out.

I may be jumping the gun but I have checked out if there is an Aïkido club for my league there. And not only there is but it is a nice one.
*sigh*

I had forgotten

I had forgotten this feeling.
One of the thing I wanted to get rid off when I was excommunicated was this feeling of duty that was really a pressure to me. Part of the reason why I felt under pressure was the fact that I thought I had to be perfect in my callings and not making it was a source of sorrow.

My bishop told me in a scary way again that he is going to give me a calling. the reason why it was a little scary is because it was right after the baptism interview. I feel they are going to stuck me in the nursery. Do you know how much I love brats? What is worse? RS or nursery????This is a tough one.

Anyway, I have been a little frustrated because I have not been able to talk and say things that were important to me. But you know what? It really does not matter. It does not at all. It was important to me at this moment and if I look back it still looks important but in the end, it does not change my purpose the least. So I guess it is only as important as I make it. And I will have other frustrating moments so I should really not start counting them down or they are soon going to be the only thing in my life.

In the end I explained that I did not want anyone here but MC. Since everyone is pretty flexible the day and time were set up according to her availibility. So it is going to be on monday at 3.30 pm.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I really needed it.
As I have said I did not need to feel God’s love as strong as I have , what I mean is that I need Him and His love but I did not need a special testimony, I have had it already. But it was good to know that people were with me. Not that the bishop had anything against me but it was more scary for me than when I was excommunicated.
I can tell now what I was scared of.
When I was excommunicated I knew there was nothing worse that could happen to me and I actually I was hopping it. So I knew I was going to be given the answer I really desired.
This time there could have been another option and it was not only up to me.
God could have put me through a test after all. Not that I don’t have a righteous desire but he could have wanted to test me to see if I really meant it when I said that I did not care what it ook to get rebaptized as long as it happened. Do you know what I mean? Anything could have happened.

But I got the answer I was hopping. In the end, despite the fact that I would have been crushed if I had been given a negative answer I know I would have accepted it. I am the one who messed up, and even if I think that I am sorry, even if I have learned, even if I am repenting I just don’t know what is ahead and I don’t know what I need to learn that is not obvious.

Do you want to know something that is funny?

In a lesser way I have been through this gain. But this time I knew what button he was trying to push.
I also know that if I learn he does too. And the only way for me to avaoid any wrong situation in the futur is just to keep it to the basics: scritptures, prayer, commandements.

Thank you all for being here for me.

Tomorrow

I am trying to get ready for tomorrow. 10.00 am it is. I am a bit nervous.
When I got excommunicated I totally expected to be rebuked and called to repentence or whatever. And no, nothing like that, on the contrary it was really all about love and about giving me a last chance. There is no reason why the interview tomorrow should not go great, I mean I am repenting, I am not going to go the same path again and when I say this I am not talking about the law of chastity, I am talking about anything that would drive me out of the church again.
But I am nervous.
I am packing to move for a bigger appartment so this is what is helping me not to think too much about tomorrow. I am also glad it is in the morning, this way it will be over before I have stressed out too much.

I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know what I am going to say, I have already said it all to the bishop. I know it is not going to be really painfull, I am not going to be judged and I know it is alright, it is just the normal thing, it is how it goes. But I can’t help it. I am nervous.

They are watching me!!!!

I went to talk quickly to my bishop.

I feel like walking in the desert without water and about to fall dead because I have no more water. I have the feeling that my bishop is like a vulture spining around my head ready to feed over my slightly rotten corps.

I know this is gross and kind of negative and this is not what I want to convey. What I want to say is how much I feel watched by my poor bishop who needs me to be member again so he can give me a calling.

In the mean time I feel like he is waiting for me and really excited about me.

My dear sisters, my dear brothers

The word of the day is LOVE, trust would also be appropriate.

How can I reach my love to my stake president?

I talked to my bishop today. I really love this guy. He innocently told me that it is taking time because…..the “stake” is being slow. WHY? WHY? WHY am I not surprised?
I really need to stop feeling the way I do but I have a hard time. When will this stake president just aknowldge that he has an issue with my mother and therefore have an issue with me? Of course you need to know that my mother and I are just the exact same person. I love when people deal with me as they would with my mother just because we have the same figure. I really love it.

Our first presidency sent a letter to all the ward and branches that was read before sacrament meeting about not sending them letters for our concerns. Fine. I understand this. Then they thought it was a good idea to add that the trust our local leaders to be inspired to answer our questions.
OK.
They have never met MY stake president.
Honestly I know he is a good man. He is not evil and I don’t believe he has done anything not to deserve inspiration. But this does not make him an inspired leader at all. EVERY single time he has an importunity that I know of to listen to the spirit in a choice he has to make or in the way to express something, I just cannot believe how much uninspired this man is. All right. I am pretty sure that I saw only the very few times when he has not listen to the spirit. This must be because I am unlucky like that.
Now the good news is that he and my bishop are going to interview me.
Can you tell how much I am longing for this day?
So this is my #1 priority: to solve my stake president issue BEFORE I meet him.

But the good news is that now I know where I stand. I only have to wait until my favorite stake president comes in town. Do you know what I think I would really love? I would really, genuinly love him to prove me wrong in how I feel about him. But everytime I feel this way people tend to prove me I was right. So I will just stop thinking about it and work on myself as much as I can. Hopefully I will solve my issue soon.

Here we are

The sky outside is extremly dark. It is hard to believe that we are in may. It looks more like winter than anything else. I had a good night of sleep and I have plenty of time to get ready.
Bishop….HERE I COME! And you’d better have some answer for me!

Away

Sweet Bishop is spending two weeks at the temple. Smart of him since it takes like four hours to get there, you might want stay for a good time. Besides I think he hopes to get enough strength to help his family and if I could I would do the same.

Now….what about my case?

I honestly believe that my bishop did everything he was supposed to, he was in the army forever, but just forgot to call me when he was supposed to, he is getting old. I really believe that the stake president is not doing his job the way he should. Not that he does not do anything. Just that he does not set the right priorities. I am not talking about how I feel now and my situation. I am talking about other events that lead me to believe that he has been called to this position more for his own improvement than for our own good.

But it is ok. After all I swore again and again that I wanted to come back and that was not going to stumble over the same rock and that nothing would stop me from getting back in the church no matter if it’d take one year and no matter whose fault it would be. Now it is the time to prove everybody and Heavenly Father first that I meant it. I am actually happy. I feel frustrated and happy. Weird, hu? Frustrated because I want to see things done even if it takes forever and I am not seeing them being done. I only have to trust that they are. I am bad at trusting in case you have not noticed. And I am happy because I get a chance to prove I meant it when I commited myself. I get a chance to prove I can make the right choice by myself and getting my strength to hold on from the right sources.

So on the whole, even if I want to cry because of the feeling of frustration I must say that it is an important little sunday today.

Where’s my bishop?

I am getting ready now to find him!

I hope that I was given a wrong number because I tried yesterday evening and still could not get hold of him. Seriously how many ward or branch have someone begging to be a member of the church?

I am sure I was given a wrong number. I can’t believe he saw my number in the caller ID and just did not bother to answer. LOL

I think I am going to create a new category called “tracking down my bishop”.

Grrrrrrrrrrr

I can’t get hold of my bishop and it is making me a little nervous. I know he cares about me and that he is probably busy with some family issue. His son (who was my bishop before him and therefore the one I had when I got excommunicated) is going through a horrible time. I love him with all my heart and I was affraid that this was coming. My mother and I have been seeing it coming for years but it is the kind of thing you cannot tell. You cannot be like ” hey T! You know what? I think that your wife has some big issues about being your wife and all that it implies. She also should consider getting some help because her daughter obsession is really getting to a worrying level” he is the sweetest man on Earth and one of the best bishop I had in my life.
I am sad. Really sad for him. the worse is that he is left with the five boys (from almost 5 to almost 15) and one having down syndrome. I need to tell that they are also lost waaaaay in the country side. The only good news is that his closest neighbors are his parents a.k.a my bishop and his wife.
So last sunday I did not ask to talk to him so as not to take any of his time and I decided not to call him right away. But the previous sunday he was supposed to call me back after having called the stake president about my file…..
No call.
Nothing.
I want to know!
I don’t care waiting as long as they want. I just want to know what is going on.
Anyway, book club time so I’d better go.

Added the following day: I think he is gone. It is like impossible to reach him. I don’t dare to call his daughter to ask her if she knows where her father is because it is going to look very odd. No point calling the son that lives right by him since he must be at work and I don’t have the phone number of the other son. Gosh he should have had more children! what’s a mormon family with only three kids? Oh! I forgot….we’re in France not in Utah.

I have not come here to fail

I met with the bishop today because I wanted to talk to him about this forgiveness issue I have. I intended to talk only for 5 minutes because I just wanted to express it but not to like take the time to talk it out to totally solve it. I don’t think that he got my idea because he tried to advise me but he did not have the time to do so because he had told someone else he would meet her and she was waiting and it was hard on her because she was sick.

I really did not intend to put him under pressure. I told him that I wanted to meet with him about it again and he asked me if I could talk about it to someone else. He was honest and straight to the point, I was too. I told him no because (I don’t doubt others have the answers I am looking for but) he is the only one I trust. I don’t trust him to have the answers and I don’t trust him to be smarter or more loving or more caring. I think that many people master in these fields much better than he does (his son for example who was the bishop when I got excommuncated). I trust him to be honnest and straight to the point with me and I trust him to be more gospel oriented than most people I would/could turn to.

Beside the fact that he has no magical recipe to teach me patience and forgiveness he told me what I needed to hear that this is the way to solve my issue: prayer and relying on the atonement.

The thing is that I have a hard time relying on it and in the mean time I am upset about myself because it is like I know I can let go. I have experienced it. I know how to do it. I know how good it feels. I know everything I need to know about but I am still holding on. And there is nothing wrong realyl about it. I can take the time I need but I am mad at myself for not being able to do it again when I know I have been able to do it once. I feel like in a web and the more I try to get out of it the more I feel tangled up in it.

It is not like I am angry and I hate these two leaders anytime I think of them. It is more like they are buttons that can be pushed on to make me angry, feel hurt and therefore make me weaker. And one of them could as well be dead now or not even remember why I could be mad at him because he was already “not that young” back then. It is ridiculous. I am having all these feelings because of someone who can be dead now and not give a d*mn of how I feel because he has a thing or two he needs to take care. I want to be able to erase this things fully, without any “contempt”. I want to be able to really love these men because loving everybody in a Christ-way “but these ones” is just failing and as another local leader put it when I was a teen “I have not come here to fail”.

If anyone has a good scripture or a good experience to share, just feel welcome to type it in here.