I am sorry for my american friends who are reading my blog because what I have to say is pretty sad.
I think that I know why these vacations are not close to be the celebration I expected and I must say that it comes from the US.
I was eating in a chinese restaurant when it suddenly hit me.
There is a heavy atmosphere that has been almost oppressive since I have arrived and it is not just here in NH it was right when I arrived in Boston.
It feels like people have lost it, this thing that made me feel like this was the place where I wanted to spend my life, this thing that made me feel like anything was possible and anything could be accomplished. I am sure it is not lost forever and that this is due to the time we live in but I don’t believe the financial crisis is the only one to blame. I think that thoses Bush years have also dragged americans out too. The crisis is just nailing it down (whatever “IT” may be).
It is crazy, I never thought I would or even could say this someday but I really have the feeling that the place I should be if I want to have something done with my life is actually my country, France.
It is far from being perfect and everything is to be rebuild along with hiting idiots on the head to make them shut up. But there is something to do. I believe (and I hope that I am right and that we won’t go back to it) that we are getting out of all the socialist crap for something wiser (and probably tougher too). They call my generation a sacrified generation. Hey, if this sacrifice is to see happen what I think will happen please burn me alive!
I have no problem if my life should be on the american continent, I love you. I love this continent and the US more specifically. But guys you are in an awfull state and my country may be the place for me after all…
As long as I can come back often here, because I really love you.
I have fasted to have a clear mind, I have prayed a lot before coming and on the plane.
I can tell for sure that I know what I could get into.
I have prayed about it to have clear mind about my motivations one way or another.
After three days of getting the full “experiment” I can’t tell I have not been warned.
Here is my conclusion:
Not a single person in her right mind would accept this as an end.
So I don’t.
Now if he wants me back in the US and be a part of his life I will but we will have to make sure that we both agree on the fact that some things are not acceptable in the state they are in right now and that we need to work things out.
I think he will aggree but this will mean that he will have to trust me sometimes.
Now the thing is that I wonder when we will have this talk, if we ever.
He is confirming what I thought. His ex is worse than I thought. This is to take in considertion when I well make my mind for sure.
What a borring title again.
Anyway, it is over, I don’t have to wait anymore.
Do you know what’s funny/nice about THIS wait?
When I was waiting all these months to get rebaptized part of my feelings were pretty childish and inapropriate. I mean it is a good thing to be excited but sometimes I was excited more like a child than spiritually excited (yes, it is possible, I have experienced it). this time it is ok to be like a child and to be light and not too serious. Well I have to remember that I am not there JUST to enjoy my time. I am there also to do a few things for the kids in the school I work for, I have to remember to bring a few gifts for my friends, I have to remember I need to talk, talk, talk to practice and get some of my english back (you did not really believe that this was the best I could do, did you?). Then when I come back I need to work hard for the test I want to take to become a teacher.
You never know, even if I want really bad to go back to the US I may as well never do.
The worse (which I think is very likely to happen) would be to have both options failing.
I mean it would be the worse for me but somehow I just don’t feel it would be horrible. It is just the worse in this way that I don’t have any other option on my mind right now. But looking back at my life I know I have come out so many things that I don’t see anything that could really scare me anymore.
There is one thing that I try not to think too much about but it is still here on my mind. I know my little sister would be thrilled if something worked out for me. You may say that this is what family is about but this is pretty new to me. She is genuinly caring about me. She is not that crazy about the US and I know she would miss me but she just wants me to succeed something.
I call her sometimes the ice queen. She is cold. She is shy and even if I know this is only shyness sometimes I wish she were a little warmer. But when something important and good may be happening to me, or when something good is actually hapening to me she has a way to be silent that is different. It feels like she has been punched in the stomach. This is not in a negative way. It is just that instead of refraining from talking she just can’t talk because she does not know what to say.
if things don’t turn out the way I would like them to turn out I will have to be careful not to be too disapointed because I know she will be truly and really sad.
What Gwennaëlle Means
You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don’t appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs. Who does?
You are very charming… dangerously so. You have the potential to break a lot of hearts.
You know how what you want, how to get it, and that you will get it.
You have the power to rule the world. Let’s hope you’re a benevolent dictator! I’ll see about it when I am in a good mood.
You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. Yes ALMOST, some just don’t deserve my attention.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. Like being excommunicated? But for the important things, you pull it together.
You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. This has never been me! where did you get that from? You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. Well this is true. But now I am aware of it and I am more carefull.
You are usually the best at everything I WISH! … you strive for perfection. Not anymore, this is one of the thing that got me in trouble.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. Confident? Sometimes. Authoritative? Sometimes, specially with brats or “just out of jail kids”. Aggressive? Say this again and I’ll punch you.
You have the classic “Type A” personality.
You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don’t get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. If I tell you what it is then it won’t be a secret anymore.
I have packed a few shirts
I have bought two pair of pants in adition to the ones I am already bringing.
I have packed all the goodies.
And I was about to make a joke about the law of chastity but taking where I come from it may not be funny after all.
I need to iron a few more shirts, jeans, pack some underwear.
NOT forget my passport and train ticket (it would kind of spoil my fun). Got my mecicin and prescription. Will keep my quad with me probably since it is so heavy. I am so glad we don’t have all that was oon he golden plates!
It could be worse. We could have to carry around the actual golden plates (or a copy of it). Now this would make sundays, seminar, institute so much more fun.
Does anyone see anything I could be forgetting?
Just for your info. I can take 23 kg with me and the goodies suitcase is 12 kg!!!! Good thing that my personal stuff bag is not even half this weight.
I don’t know about you but I think we are living in a wonderful time of human history.
We are going through a time that is without a very good a broad education there is almost no way to understand what is going on. the smartest of us understand that we are at a turn of human history that will be talked about in history clases. I already wonder how they will name our time.
I am excited to live now.
I don’t have a tone of money and I am nobody politically.
Growing up I understood how much the decision that had been taken by people like me had influenced my lifestyle often for the worse. I had often harbored hard feelings against them saying that the better solution (not always the best) was not that hard to figure out.
Now it is my turn to decide for me and maybe my children what our lives are going to be like.
I am glad for the gospel that I was raised in as a child. I am smart but being smart would not have meant much without the proper knowledge and the understanding that the spirit whispers. I am gratefull for the blessing I have to know for sure that my vote for our last presidential election made a change in our history.
I am also gratefull for a Heavenly Father who pulled me back in the fold befoe things got really nasty. I don’t know if I’ll ever know if it was for a specific purpose or just because He loves me and knows that I would have too much of an unnecessary hard time outside, either way does not matter as I write these lines, I am grateful.
I am also grateful for this unic opportunity I have to grow. I understand that this person I have a hard time with is a sould that means much to God. No matter how I feel about her she means as much as I do to His sight. I don’t know how long I still have bfore it is too late. Either of us could die tomorrow and therefore I would not be able to grow and progress anymore. Understanding this makes me feel like working harder on my feelings toward her. I have been feeling this way for years now. It is lost time. Well not totally because I did progress and try to understand myself on this subject during those years. But since I have not figured out what is so wrong I just need to quit trying to understand and just change my heart.
Sometimes understanding the complexity of our feelings is a good thing. No…actually it is always a good thing. But sometimes it is just impossible and saying that we want to understand becomes just an excuse not to do what we are supposed to. I understand that this has become my case and I am sorry for myself that I was blind all this time.
It is over now.
It does not mean that I love her yet (I still have a long way to go). It means that today was the last day I indulge myself. It is not realyl that hard. I just have to decide honestly that I want to change and why I want to change: because I was asked to.
The man came for the electricity today. It was actually my fault and he pretty much did not have to do anything. Had he reported it I would have had to pay probably a hundred euros or more (probably more). so he told me that eh is not going to say it was my fault to my housing company so I won’t be charged for it.
My goal for this blog is to eventually be able to have a totally personnal one. The last time I changed how it looked was extremly simple. Too simple. Actually it was cold.
I like this new one and I think I am going to keep it until I can switch to something better and upgrade my blog.
Anyway, yesterday was a pretty good day until I came back home. I really lost my temper over our appartment and someone else. Two things about it: I was able to recognize it was unfair and that it was basically because I was tired. the other erpson was not there and this is a good thing becaus eI think she would have felt how much I resent her. I have thought about why I really have a hard time loving her and even if I am right, even if I should protect myself from her I still need to chill out, relax, take a deep breath to eventually appreciate th good things about her. I don’t care about the “love thy neighbor” thing. No offense to God and Christ, it is just that my reaction is both stupid and not constructive. This sister has eventually understood that I really don’t like when people kisses me to greet me and specially when she does it. She and her best friend always scare me, I always think that they are about to french kiss me. I bet they think they are showing their love but the thing is that I really don’t feel like sharing this kind of love with them. I LOVE MEN OK?
So I have to work both on my mother issue and this sister issue.
I have noticed something about my mom.
I have been praying to forgive her what she has become. I know it won’t happen in one night. I don’t even expect it to take only a year.
But I have noticed that I am able not to be annoyed when she calls. Ok I failed the last time because my mother has a thing. She always spot the most unconvenient moment to call. A few months ago we joked about it. We decided that whenever she felt like calling me she should wait an hour.
You know what? It worked!
I am very serious.
She then called me at times when it was ok when if she had called me an hour before I would have been really awefull to her because it woul have been the most wrong time of the day.
Some mother have an instinct to call their child when their child needs it. My mother has an instinct for the opposite. It would be funny if the result had not been fights over the years.
Anyway, she called yesterday to talk to my little sister (who does not appreciate my mother calling everyday) when my sister was right in the middle of helping me with the wall papern trynig to prevent me from losing my mind.
I am going to tell her to do again what she was doing before we moved in together: whenever she feels like calling she should wait an hour.
I feel a little sad about myself. I know it will take time to change and I know I am doing the right thing to change but I wish it were going faster. this is kind of stupid because if I should do it so fast then what would be next? The point of this life is to take time to change because this is how we learn. It is just that I am affraid to miss out on something by taking too much time and I just want to know it all right now so as to enjoy it and to be able to help others with what I know.
But frankly, I would not enjoy it if I had it all right now because it is a childish desire. And I can help right now. I think I don’t want to help I want to save.
And this is my Christ syndrome kicking back in. And this is wrong because I am not here to save anyone but myself. And Christ did not save us but made possible for us to save ourself by the atonement and following the commandments.
I still want to save everybody, though.