Yet I have the feeling that I have failed a little test. the good news is that I have acknowledged it quickly this time and it is fresh enough that I can correct myself. I really think that I was meant to go to the stake center to listen to the GC instead of listening it at home as I usually do. I have prayed so I can catch back what I was supposed to be there for next stake conference (since I don’t go to it either). I hope it can be corrected.
This time it was really not like what I am used to experience. It has been the hardest way for me to identify the Spirit. I can explain but it is this “gentle” push that you can easily mistake for mere coincidence. I am very much like the Apostle Thomas. I need evidences, proofs, a punch in the face to get the message. A gentle push is like Chinese to me, it is very hard to get. Yet, the last time it took me a week to identify it. This time 24 hours and I even had doubts when it happened. I guess it is better…
Yes I am really back.
One of my two goals this year is to improve the quality of my Sabbath days and I found out that writing on this blog could help me focus on something more spiritual.
Today was easier than the other days but my mind is stuck on something that I did wrong. It is not about a sin at all but I hurt people in a very surprising way.
First I handled very poorly a situation. Then when I prayed about the way to make it better…it made things worse. I really felt the spirit but things went from bad to worse.
So I am stuck on this event and how to apologize a way that will really show how much I regret.
See what I believe is not about being perfect but I think that mistakes are worse than sins.
Most of the time sinning is about our personal growth when mistakes is about being a stumbling block in people’s path without involving our own morality. I see also how Satan’s has been able to push the right buttons’ in people’s heart so things would blow out of proportion. This has also been a good kick in the pants for me because I have been wondering why I’d react a certain way in some situations. It is neither good nor bad, it is just that I don’t understand why I am this way when this just does not fit with my personality. All of a sudden the light came and I am no more puzzled by this reaction that I used to have a hard time understanding. I could try to solve it but frankly this is my last concern right now because what I care more about is how to mend things. I know that I am not the only one responsible but I am the only one who can/wants to apologize.
Yeah because I have the feeling it is pointless to expect an apology from Lucifer.
Sorry I had to end this note on a sarcasm. Sarcasm helps me step back and deal with things.
On a more positive note you need to know that I have started my own business. It is really exciting. I have a blog for it that I intend to turn into a professional site as soon as I have the money for it.
So far so good. I have only two weddings coming up this summer BUT I also have appointments and I am building a rather good network. I have to go to parties for that and I hate this kind of event where the Gotha meets but it is the only way to show my face and to get some contract. The last time I went I was able to say hello to a person or two which is MUCH better than my first times. The funnier was when someone just KNEW me “oh my gosh she KNEW me”. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know me.
Those people think they are so important. And yes they are but only on the little space they occupy.
Well, one of my friend is not supportive of how I am doing things at all. He thinks I am going too fast.
First I want to say I am grateful for him telling me what he thinks.
Then he told me something that sounded like beside the point to me and after I got hom I could tell why.
One of the thing he said was that he has the feeling that I am giving up on my goal of becoming a photographer since H came in my life.
It sounded funny to me at first and then I realized it was actully the opposite.
I bought more gears since he is with me and I am doing more picures since we do it together. I am more determined but now it is not to prove something but really because I want to do it for myself. I guess the fact that I am doing something rather than talking about it makes him think that I have given up.
I am sad also because mu friend is going through a rough time (being my best friend’s boy friend) and even if I am not sure to hold the secret of the magic recipe to be happy I know H and I are doing something right which is to communicate and respect each other’s opinion. This is something that my friend just does not know about.
Since day one I have the feeling that he and my best friend don’t know much about each other and have a different goal for their couple.
It is like they know each other’s fault better than they know their qualities. I have often wondered what brought them together beside childhood pains that back when they met they did not identify.
I can’t tell “listen, this is how things really works” because H and I are only doing our best but I think we have both identified some stumbling blocks and know how to pass them.
Now the reason why I feel aweful is because of the woman H was with. I know she brought it upon herself and I should not feel guilty. I don’t feel guilty I just feel sad, very sad. When he broke up with her she cried (of course) and said that she is never going to be with an other man because she will never find someone like him again.
But she should have taken better care of what she had.
I am angry and it is absurd. I just wish I were not in this position.
But I guess mine is better than his or hers…
He broke up with her yesterday. It was very emotionnal.
She did not accept it.
She did not believe it.
Then she wanted to see a picture of me.
Today he told me she was extra nice to try to get him back.
What makes me sad is how she must think that he has cheated on her when he has not but he cant’ tell her that or else he will have to explain to her and she will either think we are crazy or that he is a bastard lying to her.
Monday was weird. I would feel happy and then nervous and then I would worry like crazy but then something that I have learnt to identify came. It was like a blanket of comfort and I knew everything was alright.
We know it is going fast and we know we look crazy but we both feel good about what we are doing and how we are doing it. I must add that I really feel the spirit that tells me I am right. He can always chose to go another way because he will always have his free agency but it won’t change what I feel which is : this is right.
He is going to tell her today that he breaking off with her. Today at 2.00pm my time.
I trust him.
I should say we trust each other.
But still it is not a good time for him and it is going to be even a worse time for her.
I feel bad for her but I am too happy in the mean time.
I knew it had been too long since the last time I wrote but I thought it had been longer than that.
Many things have happened.
I must say that I feel inspired again to write since I have gone through some things that I want to share.
As I thought I was right about my best friend and now she is in pain and I am too.
So this is the bad/sad/teaching part of all the things I have to write about.
I guess I must be doing somehting good with my life (I am not always sure, I only try to be honest) since I am being really blessed in the fields that matters the most for me.
Let’s start with the shortest news: I am doing good with my Aïkido. I did not pass with flying colors but I know I can do better than what I did on the tatami. So this is good enough for me.
And in case you wonder I am the fat one 😉
What else? Oh my gosh can it take less than a day to write about it? I don’t think so therefore I’ll leave it for Monday meanwhile I hope I’ll get a chance to talk with my bishop because I really need to.
No I did not do anything wrong, I just told you I must bedoing something good with my life, but I do need to talk to him about going back to the temple since it has been two years now AND I just need to go to the temple but I guess I need to tell you why. the problem is that it is way to long to type so come back on Monday for the big thing going on in my life right now.
One date did not go through and I was able to go to the other one.
I did a good job.
the guy was seduced.
The problem is that I was not.
I really thought I was more cerebral and I just found out that I am not as much as I thought.
This guy treated me with respect. We had a very highly intelectual conversation for…five hours about any subject: politic, society, books, sexuality, whatever. We are not on the same political side and we had such a great converstaion.
Totaly the kind of guy I was looking for. 200%!
And I just did not click.
The guy contacted me again to see if it is really “no” and I would love to say that I think there is a possibillity of a “yes” but it really does not feel right and I don’t feel like losing my time.
My like of reaction really puzzles me.
At least now I know that it is really NOT that simple. I also know that I can be “intelectually” seductive and that I am looking for more than I thought. I am pretty much looking for God but I have heard that He is already taken.
Now I have a personnal victory to mention.
I have managed to fast.
I am not talking about depriving my body of food. I tend to already do it too often. I am talking about a real fast with my mind focused on more spiritual matters and it was great!
I am not going to put too much pressure on my shoulder and decide that I am going to succeed it each month now. But I am going to seriously work my way to another fast. I like how this time I reached my goal not by accident. I am the one who did it 🙂
I know I need to write more on this blog but I just don’t feel the urge to do it as I used to. Not that I don’t have stuff to write about. It is more like those ideas are so comfused and so not enough elaborated that when I put them on there it feels like they are stupid. Although I really don’t feel they are stupid when thinking about it.
Anyway Aïkido is great. I am still not good but I understand the concept of it better and better. Last time the teacher said the stupidest thing to my best friend’s boyfriend. Had she heard it she would have been so mad that she would have made sure he would never go back. Alright, you need to know that I use the term “boyfriend” because there is not real equivalent in English for what they are to each other. I guess to use the word “husband” would be more appropriate but I know she would hate that.
Anyway, the same way he told me a few weeks ago something that was extremly stupid and hurtful to the point that I just could not come for a week, he said something to her “husband/boyfriend” that made me angry for them. I know he kept it inside but really did not appreciate.
We were talking about my best friend before the class started when the tecaher asked when he would meet her. We laughed because she made it clear that she had no intention to come here. the teacher then decided that she was not fun and told her boyfriend to drop her.
I was shocked.
This guy is really a sweet guy but also one who needs to learn to think before opening his mouth.
I know he did not mean to be rude or to hurt at all but being in his sixties I thought that he could be smarter.
I guess part of the reason why I can’t write is also because I see so much pain around me that I would probably not have much positive things to write about. I ache for those around me who are suffering and although I am strong enough not to let it affect me too much I still have little positive things to talk about.
Was just a dream Sunday.
Sacrament meeting was just wonderful. I felt the spirit so strongly. You could tell all the talks were inspired.
I loved to hear my bishop. this guy is a great guy. He is far from being perfect and more than once did I feel like punching him. But he is the kind of guy who just serach honestly to know God’s will. the problem is that he serach to know it more than to understand it. But you can’t expect much from a former soldier.
I really like this guy.
He is the kind of guy to who God just has to say “do this” or “do that” and he’ll just do it. and when he is on the other side if God tells him “you know what? The muslims had the truth” well he’ll become muslim on the spot. And if God tells him something like “you know what? This all opposite gender thing was really a Earth thing. We are actually all gay in Heaven” he will probably answer siomething like “er…give me a second please” And then will turn gay…just not on the spot this time. It may take him a minute or two to get adjusted to the new piece of info.
I know next sunday may not be as great as the last one but it was so good to get a free re-fill of the spirit. I mean I was not spiritually in need but I must say that I was physically tired (as I am going to be if I don’t go to bed soon!!!!). It was nice. I wanted to hug all the speakers.
One of them talked about tithing. I just hate how EVERYTIME people talk about tithing they have to talk about the blessings we are promised in return. And I hate even more when they talk about the blessings they have gotten from obeying this commandment.
Anyway the speaker just fell into all the wrongs I find in most talks about tithing but it was good still because the spirit was there.
It hard to explain how no matter how much this talk should have made me angry but still I felt it was good. Not liek the spirit was tetifying that blessings are true or whatever stupid thing people could come up to testify about when they feel the spirit. It was just exceptionnally all around. Like dwelling with us no matter what our short comings were.
I just want to remember forever this Sunday.
I prayed for it and tonight I did it.
I controlled my anger when talking to my mother managing to end the phone call before I lost it.
It is only a battle I know but it is one when there was none before and I do feel the Spirit.