Meeting other zebras

It was kind of crazy today.
We were 4. 3 women and 1 man. the man had already met other zebras in the past for the three of us it was a first and it was a first in several ways.
We were able to finish each other sentences when discussing our experience, our feelings and although we had never met or never talked we wer

We able to read through each other, we were able to pretty much tell what the other was going through at the moment we were talking although we were not necessarily experiencing the same.
What I had taken up on doing was to draw this zebra sign. First I thought to write “zebras” but then I thought it was too weird so I made this and walked around with it. It was something “artsy” enough for a “city of design” but only clear for other zebras. It was crazy that they all thought it was a clever idea and never looked down on me or my sign. I think it is the first time in my life that this happens.
I have been thinking about “intelligence” a lot lately and about my last post and I think that the mathematical way to express what I meant would be something like -130-x<∞ which sounds like a joke but it is how I feel it. No matter how much “points” I am away from anyone it may matter when I am speaking if I want it to matter but ultimately it does not because our goal as children of God is ∞
Yet I “knowing” gives me the confidence I have been looking for and beyond confidence it gives me hope.

Handicaped

So this is really funny and telling me much about how people perceive me outside this blog (where you’ll all agree that I show only what I want). I have opened up to my friends about what I found out about myself lately.
I explained to them that this is why I have reacted this way and this way in some situations. I used the same words I have read over the internet and in the book BUT I have never used the word “overgifted”…..the result is that those friends I knew have the hardest time with how I am who are also the friends I have to make the most efforts to adjust have come to the conclusion that I am handicapped.

If I was not sure yet that I can really open up and talk about it only to you Ray and you Mikki now I am.

Of course I have talked to my little sister using this word and to some other people but the people I talked to are not in contact with the people who don’t know so I am not afraid of any leak.

What is nuts (and I know you Ray and you Mikki did not need this  piece of info to have a decent attitude with people with real deficiencies) is that it seems that there are physical common points between the brain of someone with a high IQ and some learning disabilities. If I remember well the difference between the two are electrical over working for people with some specific learning disabilities. I mean it is not just about parents saying “but he/she is smart” it is not about parents trying to convince others than although their child had issues catching up with the other kids he/she is a child of God anyway it is about real scientific evidences that we have little to stand on if we want to justify any kind of superiority unless we’re talking about belonging to the bigger crowd.
BRING IN THE SHOCK THERAPY!!!!
Sorry, I am being facetious here.

The more I think of what I know for sure about myself now the more I think about God and the scripture that says that the glory of God is intelligence (and it seems that I am very glorious, sorry being facetious again). What I believe is that this special ability first is not “more” brain or intelligence or whatever you want it is just “less less” which in mathematics would mean “plus” but not in regard of the ultimate result.
-120-5= -115 but if the goal  is 300 I am very far from the goal, just a little less far.
What makes me think this way is that my specificity is clearly physiological and not divine in this field. God made my brain LESS limited than an average brain which means that I am not in power to really know if I am ultimately smarter than the next homeless on the street. I only know that He limited my brain less but in a world where this could not have  a place and where I would feel crushed because of a lack of space.
Yes Ray, you may ponder about our divine potential and nature and what eternal progression means from there 😛  Of course there are tones of other subject from this but this one is the one that intrigued me the most right now and I start knowing you and how you go from one idea to expand to another one which is actually what I do to.

A wheelchair

In movies we see in France from the US people are always in wheelchairs when they go from the hospital to thei car.

I know it is for insurance reason and more. but in movies people are often surrounded by loving members of their family and friends.

The first time I went to my therapist when I went back home I was crying out of pain cause I don’t like to open up to a stranger about everything about my life. I used to do it when I was younger until someone called me a pathological liar. Anyway I don’t like to talk about myself in real life to real people until someone says something very stupid and I can’t hold it anymore. Then I make allusion with much bitterness. Fortunately I can hold it back most of the time.
Anyway I was crying.
At the train station to take me back home a woman saw me sobbing and from a distance offered me a tissue.
So far nothing seems exceptional  because sometimes strangers can be nice. We have all been this nice stranger at least once in our life. It is not the fact that she offered it it is the way she did it. And she did it the only way I could not feel aggressed and the only way I could refuse it because the way she did it just eased my tears.
Pretty nice isn’t it?

Well let me tell you what happened a week ago.

The church is paying for the therapist and I said that I would pay for the transportation to get there. So of course I look for cheaper ways to travel those 60km. I found a carpooling site which enables me to not only save big money but also to meet new people and discuss and travel in a more comfortable situation and everything you may think of that is nicer about car polling as opposed to taking a train.
So I went there car pooling and I had planed to go back the same way.
Long story short I missed my drive back home. I have never missed an appointment in my life and I am going to be 36.

I walked back downtown to get to a train station feeling both troubled about the money and what God wanted out of this since I had prayed hard that one way or another. Paid big bucks for a train ticket and fortunately there was a train leaving a few minutes later.
I got on and looked for an empty sit. I passed by several but I never felt like choosing these, I needed a spot where I would feel comfortable both physically and emotionnaly. I eventually found one and I sat.

After a few minutes I realized that one of the woman sitting in front of me across the aisle was reading the very book my therapist had asked me to read. I was chocked. I went to her and we started talking and this I how I came to want to read the book because until I talked to her I both wanted to read it and was looking for a way to avoid to do it. One of the thing she told me struck me really hard as she quoted the book and it felt as she quoted something from my life.

No Barnum effect here because nobody in his/her right mind would like to identify to what the book talks about as she explains our difficulties and the problems coming from it much more than why we should be superior. Fair enough because we are not and if anyone feels, after having passed the catchy title, that being over gifted is about superiority then this person either needs to go back to school to learn better how to read or is in bad need for a therapist too. It could even be too late.

What I am trying to get at here is how I feel taken care of when I come back from my therapist. The first time could be seen as only a nice encounter but the second time can’t be denied as God sending cares on my way back home and eventually, after reading the book, I know that the first time was also Him.

After all I have done…

My nursery girl friend has told me in the past that my therapist goes to church when she feels like it and just does not go when she doesn’t feel like it.
Well…this is how it looks from the outside.

On monday I told my therapist about why I don’t like to kiss hello and goodbye and why I don’t like to be around people. It was nice to have her nodding her head in agreement. I did not understand it is because I am a zebra, I did not even know I am one and what it means.

Well, when I called my nursery girl friend to try to know why she read the book she told me that my therapist asked her and her husband to read the book because of their youngest daughter AND him and then she told me that “she knows the situation because she is one too”.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW

It brings a whole new light on her not going to church when “she does not feel like it”.

After going to church I need to sleep for at least 2 hours, some times up to 5 and then I am ready for another good night of sleep after dinner just because of my interaction with people. One way to protect myself is to hide in empty rooms when I can and if I feel that interaction is really too much for me.
She does not skip church because she does not feel like going she does it to protect herself.
I vowed to go to church because I thought that if I started skipping church it would be an open door for slacking but I understand now that if it is really a need I can check with God for either strength to go through church OR validation of me staying home.

I understand now that I won’t be opening a door that I don’t want to open and I need to rest because I don’t know for now how to deal with people on my own.

Since I know I am allowed to be myself and since I have tested quickly people around me to actually realize that JSF (the professor who wrote the book) is right: NO I am not like everybody I feel even stronger that I need to have a bigger relationship with my Heavenly Father (if possible) to make sure I am on the right track when I make a seemingly “no consequences” decision.

Right now I should be in church. I went to RS and gave my lesson then after that a sister hurt my feelings but now I know that no matter how smart she is there is nothing she could have done to avoid me to be hurt. It is not HER it is me but in the mean time it is not my fault so I went home feeling it is ok with God because I need to re-own something that I have lost. I hope I won’t let myself slide too much and this is why I need to get even closer to God because I am walking a dangerous and narrow path. But I have the faith that it is going to be all right.

Meeting the others

I write in English so as to protect myself from essentially myself.
Writing in English forces me to pause and think about what I am writing and the way I do it plus in enables me to keep the remains of my once beautiful master of this language 😛
Writing in English helps me separate what it important in what I am trying to say from what pops up in my mind.
What is funny is that I am realizing that what I am expressing about myself is highly relevant of who I am.
I think my therapist would laugh or have this amused smile on her face again. I guess I may have to get use to it.
I wrote a whole paragraph about how much I hate my country right now for not giving me the opportunity like it happens in the US to love myself.  I know not over gifted (I will come back later on this word) are tested and spotted but at least it is ok to think that you could be one.
I know this sound crazy and unbelievable for Americans reading this to think that in a country like France you are put to shame if you are overgifted and therefore people are not tested and even worse we are often destroyed by the system because we don’t fit in. Not that there is a plan to destroy us but the institution got corrupted in its essence. The point of our democracy was to give everybody equal chance to succeed. So far so good but then it was build on the idea that we are born equal in this way that we OUGHT to be the same. And those who don’t fit are to be destroyed. It is not like what our democracy was thought to be but it is how the beautiful idea of giving everybody the same opportunity turned into “everybody has to be the same” I could go into details as why it turned out this way but it would just bring more bitterness and this is not what I want this post to be about.

From now on I will use the word zebra when I write about this subject. It is a lot more appropriate than “overgifted” and beside, from what I gather on the internet nobody really feels “overgifted”. Lost, hurt, happy, down, ugly, rich, poor but not “overgifted”. Maybe gifted when we come to love who we are but never “over”.

Today is the first day I feel less lost and I am starting to like it. I see what God meant when He told me certain things in my patriarchal blessing and as I am typing this I understand some things with even more depth about my excommunication and my coming back and OH MY GOD and I am saying this because I am calling Him to see what I am contemplating and I feel spiritually nauseous and tears are coming up because of what I almost messed up with and why I am so important and it makes me feel dizzy with humility, anger, fear and so much more.
Now I am going to have to kick myself in the pants.
There are so many things I did not write here about about my communication with God before and during and after and… and…and…and I see how He gently brings me back to where He needs me to be. Once again I don’t feel I have a free agency but this time I see there is something more important than my little comfort zone. I don’t believe free agency should be given up by everyone but I see one field in which He does not want to give me any which is the place I have for people around me in the church here in my stake. I don’t believe it is a general rule nor that it should be just that it is the case for me.

Oh and yes….as usually as a good zebra I did not write a line about why this title since my mind has wandered. I found this group on the internet of zebras and I am to meet them next Saturday. I am curious but in the  mean time I already know a little what I am to expect: people who will understand me  when I speak. They won’t necessarily know what I am talking about and they won’t necessarily like what I like but for the first time in my life communication will be easy because I won’t have to try to decipher them.

It is ok Ray, you may comment 😛

It’s ok to be me

I am done reading the book. It is almost the only thing I did yesterday instead of working.
I like how the therapist calls us “over touchy” or Zebras. I like both.
Actually in French “overtouchy” sounds very close to “overgifted” and this is why I like it.
She calls us Zebras because she says that the zebra is of the same family as the horse yet has never been tamed, you can spot zebras from afar because of their stripes yet their stripes is what helps them hide from danger. Eventually the stripes make her think of the scratches of life and eventually stripes are like finger prints: each his own and unique pattern.
I did not feel confident in myself enough to go back to my old self although I knew its potential. I did not know if I had learned my lesson well enough so I can protect myself from hurting too bad. I still don’t know but I now trust my therapist.
I almost laughed out loud when the author of the book mentioned how we test our therapist and how we do it. Gosh maybe it would not be a good thing to meet this woman because she could probably anticipate each of my thought and movement and….FREAKY.
Gosh I am thinking that my therapist probably knew when I was testing her and she sent me to this so as to cut the BULLSHIT I was making her go through. I think I love this woman.

Of course only the author of the book and my therapist would understand this very last sentence and why I am laughing but I needed to write it until I can tell her I love her which would be the ultimate test and this would be unfair. Yet I know that eventually she will feel that I love her and I guess it is better that I don’t tell her because she may feel it as the ultimate test when I don’t mean it although I know it will be.
Pretty much no matter how much I don’t want to make her go through it I will anyway. I guess the answer is to accept that i am going to make her take this test and to accept that she will fail. Basically keep the same spirit I came in her practice for: with no illusion.
the author of the book AND my therapist would probably disagree with my way to approach it. Oh well, let’s see what happens next.

Ray? Don’t try to comment on this. Seriously don’t.

The book

So yesterday my therapist asked me to read “this” book that I have been told of last month by my nursery girl friend.
The title of the book is too “catchy” to sound serious to me but I guess it comes from the same place as people feeling that the bigger and the worst tasting drugs are the most effective. I guess it is not because I don’t like the title that what is inside is necessarily out of subject or….whatever I guess I should come down to what disturbs me really and what outrages me today.
So this book is not so much about having a high I.Q as it is about dealing the inadequacy resulting from it. I am using “inadequacy” because it is a word that covers much subjects. It is not about bragging around about high IQ it seems that this book is more about helping “overcoming” having this.
Yes, I know I am talking about it as if it were some kind of disease but it is how it feels to me.
On the train, in front of me there was a lady with this book. I was just stunned. I came up to her and we started talking. The reason why I am so angry is that she quoted the book at one point of the conversation and these were my words. I am angry because I guess I need to read the book first but then what do I do with this? How do I explain to people that I CAN’T understand them? I just come in and say “hi dummies! Don’t worry if you don’t understand me, I don’t understand you either but it is only because I have a higher IQ than you do. Nothing personal :” ?
I am angry because I don’t see a solution and because I knew I was different and that there was nothing truly wrong with me but all my life I have been made to believe that I was wrong and that I was not enough of something and that I needed to change when what I needed to change was the way God made me.

Great. Now I am sounding like I am gay and doing my coming out.

@11:13 pm

I am contemplating over both my anger that I can’t ease and the last thing I wrote. When I talked to my nursery girl friend last month and we talked about the subject of homosexuality she said “I could tell it was a tender subject to you and I have wondered why”. I am not gay but I explained to her why I feel so touched by this subject and now I am realizing that there is a dimension to their situation that I did not understand but I do now. It feels even more unfair and unjust to me now than it did yesterday morning even. I want to scream and want to punch.
I think I would if anyone would be bold enough to say something that pisses me off on this subject on Sunday. Well there is no reason why this subject should come up because in France it is something we usually don’t care to talk about and the only person who’s view on the subject differ from mine is avoiding me as if I had been contaminated with some kind of horrible disease.
Just to say that right now I don’t want to go to church on Sunday BUT I am the one giving the lesson in RS and I don’t want to start skipping a Sunday for this reason because then it will open a door I don’t know if I can shut.