Here is my excuse:
Last week I gave a talk in which I said that trials and adversity are two different things. We accepted adversity because it was the only way to test and prove ourself. Trials are different, they are the way Satan can discourage us and get the best of us. I mentioned that I felt blessed not to have to deal with any trials at this time.
This week I went to the police station to report that I have been robbed of 800 euros. The last police officer I talked to said that it would take about three months to have my case solved through the investigation. As I talked to my friends today in church about it one of them laughed reminding me about what I had said in my talk last sunday.
I thought about it and I don’t feel it is a trial. Merely adversity. I realized that what makes this not so big of a deal I guess is the faith I have that my Heavenly Father will not allow my business to fail because I have been robbed. He could decide that I have not put enough effort to keep it but not that I should lose it because of this lose. I guess the difference in this very case between adversity and trial is how I decide to consider it with my relationship with God in perspective.
I just (right now) ended a communication with her.
I am a little disappointed and slightly angry but mainly sad.
I love my RS president but she always seems so anxious that things would go well that she can be even aggressive. I don’t want to tell her that because she will not appreciate it and it would not be relevant anyway.
I talked to her yesterday on the phone and she really did not seem ok at all. I sent her an email to tell her that I wanted to support her and she called me tonight. She was a little aggressive at first but I know now it is only because of an excess of emotion not because she had an issue with me specifically. She started beating around the bush about concerns she has about the ward and specifically the sisters.
She and I always seem to oppose in every field and on any subject. We have in common that we can talk about it and laugh too but when it comes to the gospel it can be a touchy subject not to agree on. We usually overlook our disagreement because the gospel is not something we should fight over at all.
Yet it has eventually created some tensions when we talked.
The phone conversation was really good because she eventually broke up on how some things are going (WITHOUT MENTIONING ANY NAME OR GIVING ME ANY CLUE) that enabled me to understand why she seem to be over-reacting so often.
I am just….
I am so sad and angry and… and… and…
To me sustaining a leader in the church is mainly about loyalty. I only wanted to be loyal to her I did not think I would end up seeing things her way. I have my way to think I can help her but I most definitely agree with her concern. I think our disagreement were really a matter of misunderstanding.
Even if my way to look at life and path of life and progression is more “open” than hers there are still subject being “open” would just not make any sense. What I mean is very basic subject like is white actually white or should we discuss the whiteness of white? Is white really important?
I am talking like her right now WOW!
I am just like a CareBear thrown into real life.
Ok so I am just VERY confused right now and I am absolutely not writing the post I wanted to write and I think I need to go to bed and ponder about it.
I have much little things to post about from the past two days and specifically today but I just don’t have the time right now. I’ll do it tomorrow 🙂
I went for an interview to get a temple recommend. Next week I’ll see the stake president but he might not have time to interview me. In this case I’ll make an appointment to meet with him shortly. I have registered on the list for the next temple trip for we’ll stay there a full week. I intend to do infrared pictures of the temple keeping my fingers crossed so it turns out good. Cause it’d be awesome to do such a picture of the temple.
I went on the LDSstore tonight. I did not think my file would have been already updated but I was able to order Gs. Then when I was trying to figure all out cause the size chart is seriously misleading a sister called and I was able to get advise and “order” Gs. I should have them by the end of the week.
I am a little scared because I want to do it right and I hope I won’t feel this disgust I have felt in the past again. I really don’t know at this point what my reaction is going to be. I am trying to hold back my tears cause I really want to wear them but I also know that I can’t control some things and I am afraid of my reaction.
So far things have been going amazingly smoothly and I should really take the time to write about it but I am really afraid and the more I am afraid the more I feel a kind of anger rising up again and I really don’t know where it comes from but from my fear.
I guess this is partly how fear can oppose faith.
I know once I am done writing done those words and closing this post I will feel better because I have felt the spirit strongly for the past ten days and I know I only need comfort and confidence but having my mind busy in typing those words I can’t focus on what God wants me to feel.
So I am ending this here on the promise that I will type more about the past ten days when I get a chance to…when I take the time to 🙂
I really don’t know why I had this thing about not really getting into family history before I would have my blessings restored to me. I think it is because it is so important to me that I wanted to have all on my side so as not to start with any bad experience of any sort. I know it is weird and maybe a little childish or maybe not but this is how I felt.
So for the past few days I have been looking into what I may need to do in any field and on any level.
As I was investigating FamilySearch (much improvement needed there) I got a little frustrated and emotional that I could not find the little work my mother had done on her father’s side. I found out it is on the old Family Search but it did not transfer on the new one. All is great, all is fine. Anyway as I got deeper in the research to plan the family history work I want to do old pains came up again. I thought it was gone.
Part of my anger was linked to those pains and when I came back I was SO SURE it was behind and that I was not going to have them in my life in one way or another. I hate to cry, it takes much energy but holding back tears is not better. No mater how I chose to react I feel hurt and much energy is drained out of my body.
As always I prayed and opened up to our Heavenly Father about it.
I heard that this is something I need. This pain is something that can be associated to a tool for my own progression. I can get rid of it but I should not try because it is very important for me to have it.
Rather I need to be a master over this pain for my own development. The image I had is Aïkido where you don’t use your own strength but use your opponent strength. When you look at very old videos of the founder of Aïkido it seems that they are fake. As if people would throw themselves on the floor not wanting to hurt the Master. The truth is that he new the subtleties of body movement that would make people throw themselves on the floor for fear of worse pain. It was not about not being attacked or being stronger than the opponent.
The closest thing I can use to explain what I received as an answer is this. Probably because it is part of my life. God uses examples that we can understand. But the answer I got is bigger than this example. I understand that this image is only an image not the whole truth.
I registered for Aïkido classes because I had been wanting to do so for 17 years.
Have you noticed how external things can influence your inner world and therefore your understanding? I believe Aïkido is good for me to progress spiritually. I don’t know how much but this martial art, being a budo, is one of the best “side path” to help me on the main road.
I don’t agree with this man on testing but what he says makes also sense.