I can’t believe how long it has been since the last time I wrote.
Things are going so fast now, things are changing so quickly and I have so much to write and no time to do so (or I should say that I don’t have a slave leprechaun to help me with this blog. *sigh*)
Anyway, last Thursday I went to see my therapist and the session went very deep in some things I need help with. I would say that my main stumbling block is the church as a community. I am not talking about a spiritual stumbling block but something that gets in my way on many levels.
Something she said (that I have noticed too) is that when people have a problem with the church it is often because the church represent a parent they have a problem with. It is easier to leave the church than to leave the parent who is the problem.
I knew it applied to me as God embodies the father figure and the church absolutely represents my mother. I have known it for years and I won’t deny that many of my reaction are linked to my relationship with my mother.
Is the church full of mad people who need a therapist much more than they need a church? Oh yes baby. Just like some people need a therapist more than they truly need this football game. But my reactions, I know, are very less effective in my search for happiness.
I won’t talk now about how much the church IS my mother (crazy, dangerous, cruel, selfish, blind…am I forgetting anything?) because it would not be right. My mother is sick.
She is sick and it is not her fault at all and this is partly why it hurts so bad. If it were her fault I could hate her. Instead I am just left with my anger that I can’t aim at anybody and a walking dead-like being that gave me birth but that I can’t reach because it would jeopardize my fragile balance and family life.
I pray everyday that God will take her. Not because I hate her at all but because I want her to be at peace and not to suffer. And I want her to be able to enjoy how much we have overcome her bad treatment even if she won’t be able to interact with us. Because right now she can’t interact with us AND she can’t enjoy it either.
My therapist said “it seems that your mother subject is still a problem”
Yes it is. And it will always be and there is no solution to this problem in this life. So all I can do is not to think about it too much. There are cruel moments when I wish I could call her and talk to her and tell her about Anne. And I have to refrain. I wish I did not have a choice. I hope that someday I can tell that having a choice was a good thing.
I am going to make it short now because this post is already too long.
I am going to write a letter to my new stake president. I am not crazy about him but I know he can’t be as bad as some other leaders I have had. I feel this one is sincere.
The reason I am going to write to him is because I wish I could talk freely and openly about my excommunication and my coming back but it feels like there is no room for such a talk in the church. I believe it is because excommunication is an ugly word that totally misleads people. This way I feel that I can participate positively in the church and not just by being “the misfit” , the one who never think along with the crowd.
I believe that it can help me concerning my issue with the church.