The bus

A few weeks ago I ditched church. Looking back I honestly believe this is one of those situation when I was probably better at home than at church. You know like a kid you ground because he/she has a bad attitude with the other kids.

This morning I ditched on RS. Or I should say I wanted to ditch on RS. I wonder if my feelings will ever change about this organization…oh well my feelings is not the point of my post. I left late and I saw the bus coming down the hill. I thought there was no point trying to catch it since on sunday it usually goes straight down the hill but I felt the spirit urging me to run.

I did not.

Then I saw the bus had actually stopped. I thought I should have run to catch it. Then  the bus did not leave, this is when I understood I really needed to run to catch it. And I did.

So I arrived for RS late and…and…and…and there was not RS.

What the heck?

There were few sisters and they had just slipped into quality chating instead of doing RS. I was surprised to here that my lesson last week has been apreciated. It was THE very subject I did not want to teach about. I thought the lesson in the manual just sucked and I was not going to put up with the stupidities I had been raised on that we keep on hearing (by the way the lesson was number 39 about the law of chastity).

What I did (which seems to have been lived by most of the sisters) was to start off by writting three things on the black board I did not want to hear:

The world

Happiness (and all the substitutes)

More

I had a blank to start with for like 5 minutes. It was funny. The sisters were totally taken aback. You should have seen their mouth opening and no sound coming out of it. But what I think was actually cute is that they all tried it and even if one “failed” they all had consideration for my rule and did their best to follow it.

We finally ended up only discussing sexual education of children which is a subject we mostly all agree on.

Some sisters were rude last week. Like really really rude during my lesson. I thought, I believed firmly, I was the only one thinking they were rude. I was sure the other sisters thought it was okay to behave like they did because their motivation was about the gospel.

WROOOOOOOOOOONG.

I found out today that the other sisters mainly thought it was rude too and that they had no good excuse for behaving this way.

I am happy I caught the bus this morning.

(I don’t know what went wrong when I typed this post, a paragraph is bold when I have not done anything purposely to have it this way and it seems that nothing can be done to change it)

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again and again

I am getting to this point where “progressing” in this way that I can sense the progress and feel the spirit as a result of it like a slap in the face is getting harder. Not that I did anything wrong but I can tell I am getting a little carried away in answers to feelings and questions I have and I know this is when I am the most fragile. My issue is also that right now I need to work really hard and I have little time for spiritual stuff to strengthen my testimony and I need to find this time.
Yet what I found out that is working is to listen over the internet, as I am working, to uplifting podcast or other things.
What I am grateful for/surprised about and that I have a hard time to admit is that I am listening to the mormon Tabernacle choir when I need a little spiritual fresh air.

What is surprising about it?

The MoTab is directly linked to my abusive father who loved to make the windows shake on Sunday mornings with it to wake me up I guess.

Yes the same man who tried to rape me.

I could not hear the MoTab for as long as I can remember without having this Pavlovian reaction of anger and violence. It is really gone. I can tell it is gone and I know this is because I have grown and matured. And I also know this is part of the result of the atonement because I have wanted it and I have let it happen.

It works

We came here to grow, progress, develop, whatever word that can be used in this way this is what we came here for.

If you are following my blog since the beginning you I have had questions and doubts and worries since I came back. Not about the gospel but about my own growth and abilities. I knew I had learned how we can use the tools we have been taught we had, I knew I had understood the power of those tools despite their pointless look when in a hard situation. Yet I was wondering if I was right and if I knew really how to use those tools.

Those are: the prayer, talking to your leader, reading your scriptures, a blessing from the priesthood and one tool I did not use yet but that I may which is fasting. I have been heavily under Satan attack since I came back from the temple and it reached its climax this week end. I knew I could pull it by myself but I also knew the cost of it and what was the result of it. this was the time to try what I was hoping was true.

I prayed harder than ever specially walking to church just so that I would not yield to the feelings of self depreciation that I know is my utmost weak point. I am not talking about feeling low I am talking about feeling so bad that I am ready to take my life. My experience in the temple has taught me that this is in me and it has nothing to directly do with Satan but the fact maybe that those feelings are the aftermath of his work in my family. I expected those feelings to come back after I would get my blessings restored but it did not except maybe for the feeling of danger that may have been in my or the Spirit helping me to get ready. I don’t know.

What I know is that it came back as bad as it was before I was excommunicated after my temple trip but this time I can make the difference between what is right and true and what is Satan’s lie. So I called on what I thought I was entitled and I found out I was right and it works. Or I should say our leaders are right and it works. Let’s try to show some humility. What I think has not been emphasized enough in the teaching I have received as I grew up is how when you need this help from above it is not just about praying and forgetting about it expecting since you just handed your problem over it will be taken care of but it is really about exercising faith.
You are given the power you need to take apart yourself your obstacle. But if you expect that praying is like casting a magic spell and your stumbling rock will be taken away it is not how it works. As I just said you are given knowledge, enlightenment, strength to take apart and learn from this obstacle that Satan puts on your way. This is his strength and his weakness because if we are careful not to forget that he is always on watch and will use any opportunity to make us fall, if we don’t forget that he may be real and here but God is real too and here and has endowed us with much more than Satan has then we can learn from his attempt and understand and grow in so many ways. I know I am passing this test (not done yet) and I know it is only one and I know Satan needs us to fail to prove his point and I don’t think I ever agreed with him so why would I help him?

I am writing this for myself because I know this lesson I am learning is light in weight still and I know I will have to learn it again and again, I just never want to forget that I will have once passed it and if I did it once I can do it twice. I also understand that someday I will need much more strength than today and/or that I will need to look for more tools than what I already know and have but I know my Heavenly Father will never let me look for those in vain. Sometimes it will only take more strength more faith than others and I really hope I can grow without failing. Yet I know that if I should stumble the price has already been paid for me so I can rise and move on in my progression. I have experienced the atonement and I know that I am only asked sincerity and faith.

The Priesthood and Dad’s bike

I am tired of women denouncing abuse of  the males who are priesthood holders in our church. Something that life has taught me is that the more you emphasize something the deeper the roots of the problem develops.

I have an allegory that I think fits the  Priesthood that I used once in an email to a priesthood holder and he liked it. Hopefully you will to.

Dad has a garage full of luxury and amazing cars. Even if I am a girl I can’t help but love those shiny and “WOW” cars.

Now you, priesthood holders, have been giving the right to ride….Dad’ bike. Oh my gosh. It is such a crazy bike full of useful gadgets that makes it even more exciting to use. The problem is that you’re not tall enough to fully reach the pedals or to ride it really safely, but Dad gave you the permission. Someday when you can ride the bike to the perfection you’ll be old and tall enough to get a driving license and Dad will let you (oh yes) drive His cars. Maybe you can even have your own, I don’t know, we’re still too young to really know about how this really goes. Anyway you often get so proud on Dad’s shiny bike, this is an image of how rich and powerful Dad is and this is like a sample of what is in the garage and (sorry) you like to get so cocky about it. You’re just kids. But the point is to learn to ride Dad’s car. If you can’t ride it safely, if your attitude is not safe there are very little chances Dad will let you drive his car or even teach you how to drive it.

The second issue is that sometimes you want to take a little sister on the luggage carrier. You always think you can do it and that you’re big enough and stuff but the truth is that we often end up both in the ditch. Not just once, it happens really often to the point that we eventually learn from your driving how we should drive ourself. So you may hold the handlebars but you get often too caught up in your “riding Dad’s shiny bike” and we get hurt due to own ridiculous pride. Some of us want to help you, some think that we should just let you do all the riding….there are many different attitudes about your poor driving. The problem is that you often forget that Dad is watching how you ride the bike and according to your driving you’ll get the fancy car privilege or not. If you’re not paying attention to our advise when our own safety is at stake how in the world will you listen to Dad’s advise when He teaches you how to drive?

You often forget about it.

But sometimes it is for your own benefit because Dad sees how you’re listening to someone not holding the handlebars and how much humility (and brain) your showing by doing so. You forgot about the ultimate point and focusing only on what matters right at the moment so you don’t fall and so you don’t hurt us. Both attitude are good as long as it enables you to drive better because Dad wants to know when you’re ready to learn how to drive and when you can get the keys.

Then one of us want to add a carrier. Sometimes we think it will help your balance, sometimes we don’t, once again there are many situations and many different results. Drama or fairy tale it is all about riding this bike and listening to what we have to say. We can’t see the road like you do but BECAUSE of it we get a feel of the road that you don’t have (ask a blind person about tactical feelings) and only listening to us is not always the smart idea, it really depends on you and us but basically if something does not work and we’re telling you it does not maybe you could listen to us so we don’t have the feeling that we could handle the bar much better.

See, we have had a feel of the road for much longer than you, it is like a sixth sense to us so we would only need the view and the bar to ride this bike much better than you….or so we think 😛

Please remember we are on the luggage carrier. The sit is not comfortable and we hurt when the bike falls. It is no fun at all.

Someday we’ll get driving lessons from Dad too and maybe we’ll be as stupid as you can be and won’t listen to Him. Or maybe we’ll remember the time spent behind your back.  Then we can take turn driving or you can drive and we can give the direction, I don’t know how it will be but right now I am just watching you riding bikes and hearing those little girls screaming they want to hold the handlebars forgetting they are not taller than you and they will also have a hard time reaching the pedals.

I have bad memories of my time in the carrier behind the bike and I don’t like the way I see boys riding bikes around me but it does not mean I want to be in your place.

What makes me tired this time?

I can totally feel I am heading to the same path that lead me to excommunication. The same slight feeling of uneasiness. The same anger roaming like smoke on a concert stage. Nothing big or obvious just some places I have been before.

But I have said before this time I know how to deal with it. Or I think I know. Let’s see if I am right or wrong.