Thank you very much Tim for asking me if I need to forgive someone else before I am able to forgive the leaders I talked about before.
And yes the issue is my mother and it would be long and complicated to explain everything since it is not even a linear tell. Of course you may say that it probably goes back before my mother and I will tell you that no it is not “probable”. It is it indeed.
The good thing about coming from people who tend to remain alive a long time is that it keeps some things said or voiced I should say. I know when the abuse started although I am not sure about who did it. I know who was the first victim, I know the family story that was linked with it and although I don’t have all the pieces I think I have enough to find some kind of truth that is the key to my happiness.
In the end, this story about being hurt by manhood and this longing to be part of it anyway harmed me in two ways:
-As I grew up in the building of my identity.
-In the way I looked at men in general and more specifically priesthood holders who were the closest beings to perfection (everyone knows that!!!) or who had to have the priesthood to match “us”, women (scorn mixed with blind admiration)
I think one has enough information about me now to understand a few things that I was taught that were wrong. This is not all because as I said it is a lot more complicated just because there are a lot of other things to consider. But it is clear enough to me for the moment since I don’t feel that comfortable at the moment with expressing more on the subject.
What I have “learned” from my “time out” was that the deep feelings I have always had were ME. In this way that I knew this was wrong, I had an instinct that it was and I almost feel like saying that I had a “memory” that it was wrong.
Men are not bastards.
I don’t have a testimony of it yet but I am sure I am right.
Men are not God.
The priesthood is a blessing and it is a powerfull tool and I should only be sorry for those who feel overwhelmed by it or who feel important in the wrong way. It is like feeling all that because dad allows you to drive his truck. It is nice that He does but don’t let it blind you about your responsability. Be cause this is what the priesthood is: a responsability just the same as we can give birth. It is our responsability not to harm our body so that children can devellop in the best conditions. It is the priesthood holder responsability to be worthy of this power to act in the name of God because you never know when his power is going to be needed.
Writting this I get the utmost respect for you guys and I must say that the understanding of it is rather recent. But most of the time I react as I have been raised to react when a priesthood holder is not up the task. With much scorn and resentment.
I hope the problem is clear.
I want to forgive these leaders. YET I have to work it the hard way because there is no way to do it the short and easy way unless my mother dies and set me free from her intrusive and destroying behavior.
Now to top it all my sweet dady had to prove my mother right.
When I was a young teen I lied anytime I need to. Only to my parents. I did not lie for the sake of it and I did not lie to get a benefit. Or I shoud say I did lie to get a benefit that is called PEACE. I found out that my parents would treat me the same way whether they knew the truth right away or not. So to spare me a little more time before the storm I would lie and prepare myself for what was coming.
Once my parents decided to play pretend and act as “good” mom and dad. They came in my room before I fell asleep and talked nicely to me. My mother asked me why I was lying so much and tried to communicate with me. My father spoke after her and explained to me that he had the priesthood which meant that he could act in the name of God and thus bless me or curse me. I remember it clearly because I had a feeling of cold. The only last comfort spot I had and that had not been destroyed yet by their example was just torn into pieces and I remember feeling alone.
There is something important to add about the power of God and I don’t talk about it often because I don’t like the way it could make other stories look like.
My father did not RAPE me. Not that he did not try.
My mom had gone away for one week to do family research and she left me with him. Once he came in my room as I laid before sleeping and started kissing me and touching me in the most inappropriate areas of my body. He talked to me with the sweetest voice (he never talked to me soft) and asked me with a surprised voice “what? you don’t like it?” I knew what he was doing and I froze. I remember calling with all my soul for God to protect men and he eventually stopped.
I did not pray because I was affraid for myself. I prayed because I knew he was doing something wrong and that my mother would not survive to it.
He tried again later during the week but I was not caught by surprise this time and the timing was not as good. He actually tried it just after out little family prayer. It was only the both of us since my mother was still out of town. Here is my most memorable experience of family prayer.
The reason why I don’t like to talk about this story is because of what I know. I know I have been protected. I am not going to say that I have felt any presence. It is just that he stopped right away as if someone was pulling him back. I don’t know why I have been protected and other girls have not. I am sure that many of them must have called God for rescue and did not get any. I did. It is unfair and I do feel guilty sometimes.
But the thing it taught me was that I could call to somehow gather some power from Heaven to get some kind of protection. I think this is what has preserved me from total priesthood distrust. I am not going to have the piresthood anytime soon but I was able to gather His power to protect me. And His power is the priesthood.