Here is the woman I am looking for to meet. I want to know her, I want her to be proud of me because I am proud of being her great-great-grand-daughter.

Her name was Marie-Virginie but in the village where she was born, where she got married, where she died, all the girls were named Marie-Something so they would all go by the second part of their name. So she was called Virginie.
Virginie as you guess is the equivalent of Virginia. So in English her name was Mary-Virginia.
Her name, although probably not really thought about by her parents really referred to christ’s mother since she was pretty much named “the virgin Mary” (Virgina coming from the word virgin).
What I know of her is that she was such a good person that for catholic processions she was asked by the priest to walk up in the front so as to represent the virgin Mary. She had three boys and one girl.

Once her husband got into a friendly argument with a friend about weather. From this time on the friend teased them because her husband had been wrong. Her daughter got mad and she taught her daughter to keep it quiet. Why did she do that? Considering that I get irritated also when people over tease me (and become as we say in french “heavy”) I wuold have probably reacted like her daughter. I guess she wanted her daughter not to lose time in pointless fight that could have tainted a longtime friendship. Her husband family had a long time good reputation. There was no point shading it.

Her son was a righteous gorgeous man who married an evil woman and here is part of the genesis of abuses in my family. One of their son was my grand father. One of the many victim in this history who never became a torturer himself.

She is the woman I got my nose from. We have the exact same nose with the same imperfection (although it is a beautiful one, thank you very much). Because of what I have learned from her when I was a teenager I started working toward self appreciation. It took me up to this day to reach this point and I am far from really loving myself all the time. But knowing her, being a little piece of her started me.
I have a pretty horrible family history. But she is like a light house in my ship story.

Hard sunday

I was happy to have my sisters with me today at church. La Blonde did something awesome in sacrament meeting to teach the members that she is the one they should look at and not have their face buried in their hymn book. I was proud of her. I was also so surprised that she did it, that she had the guts to do it. My sister and the sister playing the piano work hard together to give a real meaning to their calling the members don’t realize that hymns are prayers and that they are there for a purpose. Anyway I was proud of her.

Another awesome thing was that the bishop’s daughter in law was at church today again, she came on her own again BUT this time her husband was able to have his arm almost around her during sunday school. This made my day.

Now the hard part about today.
I have realized that my mother is NOT directly responsible for my reaction but I realized that her presence “bloked” my heart. I was not able to enjoy the spirit although I could feel it was there. I find myself in this situation again where I want to please her by pretending that I am neither on her side or on the church side but this is wrong.
Someday I will have to tell her that I intend to come back to the church and that I am sorry for her that she has not understood a thing since the time she left, I am sorry for her if she is not willing to make an effort not to come back or at least to grow up a little.
I told her that the stake presidency is going to be released and she just went crazy about the stake president talking about hos things should be and I just can’t make you feel how horrible it was. I had to scream for her to stop. Yes, my mother is one who does not understand or listen to you or respect you unless you show that you’re stronger in one way or another.
Yes the stake president screwed it up. He did and it is sad. It is also even worse that he does not seem to understand how much he has hurt us. But it is his problem. Our problem was to overcome the pain. It was not his job to overcome our pain. This just does not make sense.
HE SCREWED UP! And he is going to be accountable for it. Our job is to forgive him because not doing it is going to be even harder. And frankly I am even more sorry for my mother than I am for him. I know someday I will be able to explain to him what happened and I know that he will be sad. Honestly this man is stupid but he is not evil and he has tried his best. He failed it as far as we are concerned so what? I am not old enough to be sure that I will never do something as bad. Writting this makes me think that this is what the attonement is about. It was not just for me. It was fo him too. I am not talking about the repentence part because all that he has been guilty of is to have been stupid and not to have seeked enough the spirit for guidance. The part of the attonement I am talking about is this part that enables us to learn from our mistakes and this is the huge difference between my “stupid” stake president and my parents. My parents never wanted to learn from their mistakes because it would take them to move from their comfort zone. Yet if they had done it it would have been easier than the situations they both found themselves in very often that involved much pointless suffering.
My “stupid’ stake president wants to understand and grow.

Anyway, I hope that my mom will quickly send me the pictures I asked for.

Is it Heaven already?

My life is so great right now.
I had the best day ever yesterday.
I am not talking about winning the lottery (although it would be nice) I am talking about one of those days when you feel loved and you feel you can love back without restriction coming from outside. I feel blessed that I had one of those days.
I know my baptism is going to take longer than expected since I have not heard from my bishop this week. I know I am going to have to wait at least until August and if it was hard and horrible at first I have accepted it. It is still hard. I still want to cry when I think about it but I am fine. I really took yesterday as a gift from our Heavenly Father to encourage me in my attitude. I know this way to look at it is childish and I need to grow up more although I have come quiet a bit already. But this is really how I feel and unless someone offers a better way to look at it I will stick with this attitude.

I was able to speak in english for almost 24h straight and on a professional level my project is being enthusiastically welcomed by my boss. I got to talk to interesting and wonderfull people. This is what is celestial kingdom to me. I don’t care for supposedly beautiful places, I care for the kind of people I was able to talk to, the kind who uplift me by their example and the way they talk to me.

Priesthood distrust

Thank you very much Tim for asking me if I need to forgive someone else before I am able to forgive the leaders I talked about before.

And yes the issue is my mother and it would be long and complicated to explain everything since it is not even a linear tell. Of course you may say that it probably goes back before my mother and I will tell you that no it is not “probable”. It is it indeed.

The good thing about coming from people who tend to remain alive a long time is that it keeps some things said or voiced I should say. I know when the abuse started although I am not sure about who did it. I know who was the first victim, I know the family story that was linked with it and although I don’t have all the pieces I think I have enough to find some kind of truth that is the key to my happiness.

In the end, this story about being hurt by manhood and this longing to be part of it anyway harmed me in two ways:

-As I grew up in the building of my identity.

-In the way I looked at men in general and more specifically priesthood holders who were the closest beings to perfection (everyone knows that!!!) or who had to have the priesthood to match “us”, women (scorn mixed with blind admiration)

I think one has enough information about me now to understand a few things that I was taught that were wrong. This is not all because as I said it is a lot more complicated just because there are a lot of other things to consider. But it is clear enough to me for the moment since I don’t feel that comfortable at the moment with expressing more on the subject.

What I have “learned” from my “time out” was that the deep feelings I have always had were ME. In this way that I knew this was wrong, I had an instinct that it was and I almost feel like saying that I had a “memory” that it was wrong.

Men are not bastards.

I don’t have a testimony of it yet but I am sure I am right.

Men are not God.

The priesthood is a blessing and it is a powerfull tool and I should only be sorry for those who feel overwhelmed by it or who feel important in the wrong way. It is like feeling all that because dad allows you to drive his truck. It is nice that He does but don’t let it blind you about your responsability. Be cause this is what the priesthood is: a responsability just the same as we can give birth. It is our responsability not to harm our body so that children can devellop in the best conditions. It is the priesthood holder responsability to be worthy of this power to act in the name of God because you never know when his power is going to be needed.

Writting this I get the utmost respect for you guys and I must say that the understanding of it is rather recent. But most of the time I react as I have been raised to react when a priesthood holder is not up the task. With much scorn and resentment.

I hope the problem is clear.

I want to forgive these leaders. YET I have to work it the hard way because there is no way to do it the short and easy way unless my mother dies and set me free from her intrusive and destroying behavior.

Now to top it all my sweet dady had to prove my mother right.

When I was a young teen I lied anytime I need to. Only to my parents. I did not lie for the sake of it and I did not lie to get a benefit. Or I shoud say I did lie to get a benefit that is called PEACE. I found out that my parents would treat me the same way whether they knew the truth right away or not. So to spare me a little more time before the storm I would lie and prepare myself for what was coming.

Once my parents decided to play pretend and act as “good” mom and dad. They came in my room before I fell asleep and talked nicely to me. My mother asked me why I was lying so much and tried to communicate with me. My father spoke after her and explained to me that he had the priesthood which meant that he could act in the name of God and thus bless me or curse me. I remember it clearly because I had a feeling of cold. The only last comfort spot I had and that had not been destroyed yet by their example was just torn into pieces and I remember feeling alone.


There is something important to add about the power of God and I don’t talk about it often because I don’t like the way it could make other stories look like.

My father did not RAPE me. Not that he did not try.

My mom had gone away for one week to do family research and she left me with him. Once he came in my room as I laid before sleeping and started kissing me and touching me in the most inappropriate areas of my body. He talked to me with the sweetest voice (he never talked to me soft) and asked me with a surprised voice “what? you don’t like it?” I knew what he was doing and I froze. I remember calling with all my soul for God to protect men and he eventually stopped.

I did not pray because I was affraid for myself. I prayed because I knew he was doing something wrong and that my mother would not survive to it.

He tried again later during the week but I was not caught by surprise this time and the timing was not as good. He actually tried it just after out little family prayer. It was only the both of us since my mother was still out of town. Here is my most memorable experience of family prayer.

The reason why I don’t like to talk about this story is because of what I know. I know I have been protected. I am not going to say that I have felt any presence. It is just that he stopped right away as if someone was pulling him back. I don’t know why I have been protected and other girls have not. I am sure that many of them must have called God for rescue and did not get any. I did. It is unfair and I do feel guilty sometimes.

But the thing it taught me was that I could call to somehow gather some power from Heaven to get some kind of protection. I think this is what has preserved me from total priesthood distrust. I am not going to have the piresthood anytime soon but I was able to gather His power to protect me. And His power is the priesthood.

Masochism fun

I think I need councelling LOL

Here is my thing: There is something really good in my life right now and it is the hardest stumbling block. The problem is that it distract me from reading my scriptures or focusing on them when I do.
The only solution I have found is pain and whatever comes with it so I can focuse on my goal.

This is the way back to our Heavenly Father: Masochism! Enjoying pain! Pain is fun! Let’s bleed and cry!

Now that I have written this and acknowledged my sin I am sure it is going to be easier to go back to my scriptures.

If you take what I have written seriously I am sad for you. But I do need to focuse better on my scriptures. The worse is that I am reading Alma and chapter 12 is really good and apply to some of my concerns. I intelectually know it but I need to make a harder effort to concentrate.

Now let’s go read chapter 13 :o)

I really wonder how this whole story is gonna end ;o)

Not quiet there yet

(written during sacrament meeting on a piece of paper)

I thought the stake president had come because of me.
Not even close. He came with other members of the stake presidency for ward business but of course he took a few minutes out to talk to me.
“It” is taking longer and it is not his fault. He took time to do everything right because, has he said, had any signature or information been missing then it would have taken much longer. So I am gratefull for a stake president who is aware that this periode is hard on me and tries to make it as short as possible.
But July is the month when the church administration is on vacation and today is already the 22nd of June. This means that if my record is not straighten this week I will have to wait until August to hear about it again.

I thought that he was going to meet with me for another purpose and it is difficult to describe how hard it is.

I try my best not to cry and I just can’t help it. And here I am agin not taking the sacrament and not having the slightest idea of when this will end. I feel tested and I am both sad and gratefull.
Sad because it is hard. Sad because I am just a human being facing the result of her choices and actions. But I am gratefull for this opportunity to be tested on what I have learned. what I understand. My commitment. My will. How much I can humble myself without fully understanding things. I am also gratefull because I am now able to say what is “wrong” with me.

I am not the kind of person who become proud and forget about God when blessed. It is the opposite. The more I am blesed the more I am able to turn my heart to God. But this also means that I am the type of person who gets angry when unfair trials come up. There are to me at least two types of trials: the uplifting ones (what I am going through) in which God may have something to do. And the second type is the kind that comes from others’ actions in which God has nothing to do. Trials that He wishes we did not go through. Trials in which He stands outside, not being able to do anything because it is up to us to come out stronger through the teaching we have received and our own testimony. He is there and we can turn to him but His hands are bound because the only way to prevent it would be to take away free agency and this would mean to put an end to the plan of salvation. This is not an option.

This understanding brought me to this:
All my life I have worked to master the natural (wo)man and I have come to a fairly good level. But I have failed nourrishing and developing my soul. Thus I became “hard” but not strong. Hard things can be broken, strong things are reliable.

This experience I have been through a few months ago made me feel physically that I have a soul that I need to care for. The knowledge I have acquired all these years are good. I am here to acquire it. But this hunger for more knowledge and understanding and love and closeness to our Heavenly Father and whatever you may think of came from the fact that what I thought was ALL was only a piece of what I came here for.

What I want as I am ending this post is to pass this test. Feeling low is ok but this is not the only thing I should feel and this is not the feeling I should get stuck in. There are many things to learn from today and I mean to learn them.

On a totally different level guess who was at church today?

The wife of our previous bishop. She sat with her kids. I know it is not because she was there that she is going to come back to her husband. The decision is up to her. But I was really happy that she was at church and she looked happy to be here.

48 hours

In less than this time I will have seen my stake president and hopefully it will have gone as good as both of us think it is going to go.


We actually both aggree on one thing. Do we actually have a common ground?

Freaked out

This is freaking.

In France when you pay your rent you also have to pay what we call “charges”. This is good for at least cleaning the building but it can include more (and therefore you pay more). My “charges” include the bill for hot and cold water and heat. This leaves me little to worry about.
So each month I pay a certain amount no matter how much I actualyl use.
Now once a year they check out how much I have actually used and either I have to pay for what I used that went beyond what I paid for during the year OR I am refunded the money. What they do is that the following months I either have to pay what I owe OR they take it from my rent.
I am carefull about how much water or heat I use so I was expecting them to refund some money, like around the same amount of money as last year.
My rent (plus the charges) is 292.49€ and last year I only paid like 70€ in july because they owed me about 220€.

Do you remember I was worring about getting baptized because of tithing?

Well I got the letter today telling me that they owe me…



This means not only that I will be able to pay tithing without worying but I will also be able to save a little money.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you very much but I have not been baptized yet could you not freak me out this way?

I know what you are going to say.

This does not represent a miracle or a blessing coming from obediance to a commandment since this is what I have saved over a year on the water and heat I use and I will answer that this is true.


I will also remind you that I have started this journey back to the church a long time ago with a commitment taking place just a few months ago.


I had a good uplifting sabbath day yesterday.

I really wanted to give RS a last chance before deciding it was really not for me but I got sick during the night and it made it hard to wake up and get ready. SO I arrived a little late. Did it matter? Nope. I arrived 30 minutes late and the lesson had not started yet. Hooooooow surprising. Then, like 15 minutes before the end of the lesson they had someone “give the lesson” since the one who was supposed to give it did not show up. Nice.

I kept my lips so tightly closed that I know I looked like I was mad. I was a little mad and sad and frustrated and… Ok you know what I mean. I so did not want to be there. I so regreted to have made this effort to come to RS.

Then sunday school was ok I guess. Nothing bad which means that it was good. Yes I have lowered my expectations but I think it is right. I can be too demanding sometimes even with myself. Not as much as I used to, though.

Theeeennn sacrament meeting. And this is the part that made this whole day worth living.

During sunday school a lady that I had never seen came in. She sat behind me in the back of the room. when it was over she asked me questions about how to meet the missionaries if she felt like. She asked questions that obviously told about her that she had a hard time understanding how it goes but I eventually was able to explain to her that she could not go to the elders place to meet with them. Anyway I offered her to sit by me during sacrament meeting. She first declined and then accepted.
She explained that she had gone to Poland to visit relatives who happen to be members of the church. They took her to listen to a GA who was visiting the country and when she asked about finding the church in France they pulled out the address of the church here.

It took me time to figure out that she had not attended sacrament meeting so her expectation to see the same as what had been going on in Poland was not going to be met. Ha Ha Ha Ha

But then the best happened.

This young sister came to church late. She is a young mom with two kids and she is going through a very rough time. She is going through more than a lot of women could endure in their marriage and I never thought she was a woman who could go through half of it. She is tired, close to depression and I just don’t know what to do. She let her kids go really wild during sacrament meeting. they made so much noise that it became hard for everyone to hear the speakers. But nobody “SAID” anything.
She quickly changed her place and went to this sister I have a hard time with. The sister took her in her arms where she cried while her kids were running everywhere. She just behaved liek they were not hers, not even looked at them and tried to listen to the talks. And the most wonderfull thing happened in a quiet way that I need to write down because I never want to forget it. All the sisters of the RS who did not have to take care of younger ones just took upon them to calm her children down and relieve her from this repsonsability that is supposed to be hers.
I am not talking about this “let try to keep them quiet” attitude. I am talking about a RELIEF SOCIETY thing. You know…a society that is intended to relieve you from whatever you are suffering from as much as this society is able to.
I have seen the work of love taking place.

The lady saw it also. I don’t know if she will get baptized but I am sure that there are good chances that she will.

I am not a child

But I feel like it. Not that I am immature or whatever it is just that I am realizing how much I need to improve and in this way I feel like a child. Not that I have thought I was perfect before, it is more the fact that I can see now where I need to improve. I used to feel stuck and frustrated because I did not feel the fields I need to get better in. Yet I knew I was not perfect. So I felt stuck.

This patience problem is something I am enjoying. I am not an impatient person but I did not picture my self as specifically patient either. Let’s say that I had no problem with daily stuff but I had not faced something really important since I was a child. So I never had an opportunity like this one to improve. I know this is not wise but if it were possible I would love this time to last forever. Yet I also enjoy the fact that it will end and therefore my learning time is going to end also so I need to work hard before it is too late. I am really blessed to have this understanding. I have the feeling that I can see ahead. Not far but enough to understand a few important things.

I used to be able to have a global vision of the big picture. The thing is that to have a global vision of it you nee to get “higher” and thus you lack details. I remember the big picture and I don’t need it anymore now I want details I want to understand how everything works and for this I need to work on myself harder. I love it. I don’t have the feeling that it is hard. Actually it is really not hard if you do it regurlarly and if you follow some simple rules. These rules are not there to be burdens on or shoulder, they are there to make the burdens easier on us so we can work or way back to our Heavenly Father.
It is all clear now. These are not just words to me anymore, these are simple truths.