I know

I used an allegory last week with a friend and I think I am right on.

She asked me what I thought of this or this commandment. Are they Telestial or Terrestrial commandments?

I went “uh?”

I am not saying that I did not understand what she meant because I have been raised on this kind of discussion but to me they lead to nowhere so I don’t think with this kind of consideration anymore.

I feel that we are like athletes training for something big. So big that we have little understanding of what it is really. If you look at runners they don’t just train and develop  the lower part of their body that is supposed to carry them every muscle is trained for the race even muscles we don’t see such as the heart. Who would think that back muscles could help win a race?

I feel that everything we are commanded is to help develop a spiritual ability that we don’t understand the meaning of until it is better developed and we can feel the change.

I am sadden by my friends outside the church because I see their potential and how they just won’t trained. I am sadden by the members I see who have so much more than my friends outside the church and who just won’t trained their neck muscles because they don’t see the correlation with winning a race and because there a so little mentions of it in modern day advises, or so they think. I am scared when I see how much I understand to even imagine how much I don’t.

I am grateful for the gospel and for the hope it brings me that no matter how much I hurt in this life it is in the end going to turn out not just ok but beautifully for those who will want and accept the atonement.

Two days ago I was at my Stake President’s home. His wife and I are nursery friends. This is SO crazy to think that we were nursery friends. I mean that in France when I was a child nobody could claim to have been nursery friend with anyone. But here we are. There is a second, third and even fourth generation of members of the church rising in France. I remember her when we were babies and our mother were feeding us in the kitchen of the church. What her mother gave her was way too hot and incidentally I guess it was the same for me. Her mother had taught her to breath in and out really fast with an open mouth to help the food to cool down faster in case it was too hot. So she did and I think my mother pointed it out to me and I thought it was clever (clever babies!). I caught it on and did it after for years.

I am proud to tell you now that now I know better than to eat burning food unless I am way too hungry I guess.

We saw each other twice again when we were teenagers and then we lost track of each other until I came back to the church. I accepted to be dragged to a stake activity where I saw “this” woman and I asked someone if her name was not “Natacha” to which I was answered “of course it is Natacha B the wife of the recently called stake president”. I was really in shock to see someone that was linked to such a tender period when I expected to see only strangers. Of course I told the person not to tell her about me which she immediately ignored and ran to her to tell Natacha about me. I felt so horrible. What I hated in the church just happened: your most simple desire is being ignored for someone’s selfish pupose of being linked to “maybe” a good news that one will be able to brag about because it involves the stake president’s wife.

She glanced at me and did not talk to me.

Months later the stake president told me that he had read the letter I did not want anybody to read but the first presidency. Thanks president. You make me feel even worse. I don’t know you. I did not want someone geographically close to read it and you just told me that you read it. I am so glad (sarcasm)! He told me that he wanted me to talk to his wife because  what he had read was very close to his wife’s story.

Me: “uh?” (again)

I knew her life had been rock’n roll but I had no idea we had so much in common.

She invited me over several times because we never had the time to speak and share about. It is just crazy how much our pains are the same. She can understand everything I say. It feels so good also to have someone close I can share with about spirituality without fearing of what I say being labeled as blasphemous. Basically having someone like Ray (yes, you Ray) but closer AND female AND with memories in common because we were born the same year and spent our first years in the same ward.

Concerning the church activities where I felt so bad because I did not want her to know that I was here and did not feel comfortable enough in the church yet, it was just all so awkward and inappropriate, she told me that she had quickly understood I wanted to be alone and not bothered. I did not really want to be alone and just did not know what I wanted but I definitely felt this was way too much for me and did not want to have to look happy to see again someone that I did not know if she remembered me, if she even cared about me. I did not want her to fake caring when it would have been obviously an effort to her. I am not saying that in the church in France everybody is hypocrite because everybody is sincere. I promise they are sincere it is just that they force themselves to love instead of working toward love. I had hated the church because of that. I saw much neurosis coming from this and I just did not want to be part of it again (I still don’t want).

Natacha understands it more than I would have expected anyone in France to be able to understand.

I have been able to tell her about a spiritual experience when I was excommunicated that I have not written here not told to any leaders of the church (her husband included) because I don’t think that anyone could understand it properly. It felt Heavenly good. It made me catch a glimps of what it is going to be like after. Ou stories may have differences but all what we will say as a response will be “I know” and we will be able to finish each other’s sentance. we will feel emotionnal but won’t cry because the positive feeling will sooth any pain that will come up in our heart and the spirit of God will really bind us.

On a side note: I guess the missionaries back then must have had something very appealing to crazy-nuts-insane young mothers. Just kidding. I have to joke about it I am sorry.

Over

I feel really horrible.

My best friend is going to end a relationship of ten years. This is already hard but the horrible part is that I know it before HIM. He is not my best friend but I consider him a friend still. I wish I could tell him something but I have tried a year ago when life gave him a first warning and I found out (to my surprise) that he is as proud as she is AND the same way. We are all proud this is not a big news but we have our way to be and our “fields” of pride. Well I found out that they are exactly the same in this.

I feel like a filthy hypocrite  but what can I say or do?

I hate to be an adult and I hate to witness this. I guess to be outside is better than to be inside and I am so happy they don’t have a child.

I think I also feel bad because I like the new person my friend is in love with although it is really new and I feel like I am betraying HIM by liking her (yes her). I really don’t know how God is doing not to have His heart broken. I know He knows all but still. Can He really be that at peace when we hurt? I am sure that He is not and I would like to learn to have this peace.

The very sad part is that because my friend has so often be wrong in her behavior with him he will look like the poor victim of a gay witch. But I know how much she has tried to make things work. Much more than anyone would give her credit for. Actually when you see her you’d think she would not lift a finger to save her couple when he is the one who has screwed up her efforts. I don’t know if she is right to think that he seems to have pushed her in this direction but I understand why she feels this way. I personally think that they never looked like they were meant to be together and the fact that it last 10 years is just incredible to me.

The sad part is that she has learned from him and he has not from her. So basically those past ten years have been waisted that’s all.

I love general conference

Yet I have the feeling that I have failed a little test. the good news is that I have acknowledged it quickly this time and it is fresh enough that I can correct myself. I really think that I was meant to go to the stake center to listen to the GC instead of listening it at home as I usually do. I have prayed so I can catch back what I was supposed to be there for next stake conference (since I don’t go to it either). I hope it can be corrected.

This time it was really not like what I am used to experience. It has been the hardest way for me to identify the Spirit. I can explain but it is this “gentle” push that you can easily mistake for mere coincidence. I am very much like the Apostle Thomas. I need evidences, proofs, a punch in the face to get the message. A gentle push is like Chinese to me, it is very hard to get. Yet, the last time it took me a week to identify it. This time 24 hours and I even had doubts when it happened. I guess it is better…