Trying to find a way

I must say that I am still disturbed and wonder what is my purpose here? I am fine with not having any but then I need to know.
I can’t have children. Not that I cannot biologically but having been my sisters’ mother and just don’t have a desire to have children specially not that would be “my own”. I have a desire for a relationship I will have chosen to have with beings that will have genes in common with me but not “children”. I know those of you who read my blog understand what I am talking about. I am just restating a thing or two here.
Someone sent me an email telling me that adoption is definitely an option for him. It is for me too but I must say that one of my stupid and crazy thing would be to adopt a disabled child (or two if I have the courage to face the difficulties).
It is not because I am a good person.
You have no idea of how much I just don’t feel any love for most idiots surrounding me. I totally lack of charity which is a shame because I am sure that someday we’ll find out they had some kind of disabilities too. And I must say that I feel absolutely superior to them and I have no feel for fighting this tendency. I am NOT a good person.

The thing is that I would need to do that for someone for who it will mean something and with who it would be a foundation in our couple. I can’t force it on anybody.

I think that it comes from an interview I saw yeeeeeeeeeeears ago on TV. This young woman had down syndrome and was living in an institute. On her wall she had put a picture of another young woman. She was an orphan and the picture was of her sister, the only living member of her family. She was happy to be interviewed and when they asked her about this pic she lowered her head and said that it was her sister but that she never came to see her because she was ashamed of her because she had down syndrome.
How can someone accept to be this way? What is shameful about down syndrome? I know I can’t judge and I am trying hard not to. I just would like to understand.
I swore myself that if I could do something for someone about it I would because yes…they are people not pet you just leave in care of some organization that protects animals.
But this is bound to be only wishful thinking since I would need some kind of stable situation to provide for such a child and it is not likely to happen any time soon.
I don’t know, maybe even if I’d find someone with the same point of view our situation would never enable us to do it anyway.

Sometimes I just ache when I think about this wasted love.

1 thought on “Trying to find a way

  1. I absolutely canNOT understand anybody being ashamed of them. I think people with Downs Syndrome, and any other disability for that matter, are like angels among us. So innocent and pure. I do believe it can be difficult to deal with all their difficulties sometimes and that some people are more able to cope with that, but I just can’t understand the shame aspect. So sad.
    I’m praying for ya’ G, I hope you will be able to find someone to share all your love with.

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