A little insane

The more time passes the more I am stunned by the sixth sense I had about who and what I needed. Everything has an explanation now and I don’t have to fight for what I know to be true so I am relieved in a way but I am also scared in a way. What else did I know the same way and that I just decided to overlook because it sounded too silly?

Everything I knew I needed in the other is what Pascal is. And when I say everything I need you to pay a little attention here.

Therapists have known for decades that there was something transmitted in the blood of a family when one relative had gone through something traumatic but of course it was partially disregarded since nothing could be proven. Now it has.
Since a few years it has been proven that the traumas one goes through are in our genes and it take several generations to erase it from the genes, then it may take a little longer (or not) to erase it from the descendants’ habits.
I would not open up too much about what made me afraid about getting married and having children because I knew people would mock me but I knew there was something wrong in me. 
the problem is that when I would say this people would burst into out of subject praises that I did not need and I would feel frustrated.
I knew there was too much violence and rape in my family history and as I often said I did not want to transmit “that”. I did not know what “that” was but I knew it was a burden I had carried and that I did not want my children to carry. I felt that it was too heavy for me and that it had almost crushed me. I just did not want to pass it on out of a selfish desire of reproduction.

So what geneticians have discovered is this:
1st generation: Trauma
2nd generation: depression
3rd generation: post trauma syndrome that no one can explain.
4th generation and on: bad habit from the previous generation that can be erased or amplified according to ones path.

You may say that you know people whose parents have gone through horrible things and don’t fit in this pattern.

Because there is a solution.

This pattern is true UNLESS something extra positive comes in opposition to this trauma.
OR if someone with “better” genes comes along in the family gene pool.

Now I know that when I told several times that there was something wrong with me I was right. I sensed it and I have lived according to it and if i have a child it will be for its benefit. It was a cruel fight but in the end it will benefit someone, hopefully more than one.

I now also understand and know that I can rest and contemplate what I have fought and be grateful for those who have helped me in this fight without even knowing it.

As I have said in the past I know my grand-mother has been raped by her father. What makes the situation even worse is that I inherited the specificities of my brain from her and she got it from her father. this made it hard for her mother to relate to her, adding to this that she had issues on her own and 13 children. I understand why she never understood my grand-mother’s cry and why my grand-mother does not understand either what went wrong.
The first fighter is my grand-mother because as my cousin says there is something in the way she talks and live that makes you feel that being “positive” and “christlike” is a matter of life and death to her. It is not just about good feelings and getting to Heaven. You can tell from her intensity that it is about this life now and here.
Now although she tried instinctively to fight it my mother was raped herself.
So my mother was a 2nd generation in this pattern but then a rape was added to her load.

I need to praise my mother as well.

See, on my mission I had a companion who was clearly a racist. She told me her mother had an abortion from a rape she was victim of. Now those who did it were black men. this was the justification she gave me. 
Now the man who did this to my mother was a black help my grand-parents had in their home when my mother was a child.
NEVER did she teach me to hate those of a different color. I can tell that she taught me to be careful of difference of culture in a couple but this was for French-American as well as for French-African. I can tell that she taught me to look beyond what I could see in a person.

It would have been so easy and understandable of her to teach me to hate African and anyone darker than me (which would have been an issue as I am very pale).
Now the disease has taken over and she is unreachable. I know understand what was my mother and what was her borderline illness.
The cruelty of it is that if I can have children I will have to protect them from her presence not because my mother is bad but because she is too sick and I don’t want them to have this influence in their lives.
It is unfair. It feels to me that she is being punished for being a victim. I don’t see anything more unfair. If you do please tell.

I am angry.

I only hope that she will get what she deserves on the other side.

Now this is where Pascal comes into place.

I have fought my best but I still knew that I could not be with the first “good guy”. I needed more than that.

Once I explained to him what is a family home evening and i told him this is something I would like to have in our home even if it is not religiously focused.
He paused and looked at me in the eyes and told me:”well this may come as a shock to you but this how I have been raised as it was this way every evening in at home when I grew up”.
I was indeed shocked. I told him “well someone has suffered!!!” 
The more I know about his family the more I want to be a part of it. It is not a perfect family just a family that can balance what I have in my blood.

2 thoughts on “A little insane

  1. Incredible insight, Gwen. I’m really happy for you right now, even as I am sorry for the load you have had to carry.

  2. I am happy for myself enough but I guess it does not hurt to have someone being happy for me as well.

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