Freaking Frightening

I have been told by two different people who have nothing in common that I look like I am scared of something about “him”.
Yes I am and I think I am barely figuring out what.
Everything is so perfect that I am afraid for a reason or another it is going to end.
I now trust him and his feelings.
I need to stop being afraid because I know that with a twisted trick of life it is when we fear something that this thing happens.

My instinct tells me it is true, the Spirit confirmed to me twice that this is true AND good and yet something in me wants it to stop before life puts an end to it.
The only way I have found to fight it is to be with him but as we both need to work (and he does more than me) I just can’t have it my way, beside I know it would only be a patch, not the solution. I know he would just love the patch, though. But on a long run it would not be wise.
I really need to talk to my therapist. She asked me for the next time to think about what scares me in this relationship. I thought I wanted to tell her that I am afraid he will become a member and therefore I will lose him. I am sorry to say so but the mormon culture is devastating for so many couples. I am not saying that the gospel destroys families. Heck no.
The mormon culture destroys couples who don’t agree to revolve only around this paradigm. Yet because the gospel strengthen families people are “happy”. I think this is what I have been fearing and envying in the mean time.
I want to family model I have been raised to like but I don’t want the couple model at all.

I really need to talk to my therapist about what I think made this fear I have even more real:

I was sleeping at his place. I often wake up at night to go to the bathroom and of course I did. On my way to the bathroom an incident happened which made a violent row. I knew it was going to wake him up and of course it did. I heard he was awake so I tried to calm him and tell him that it was only me.
I expected him to yell. I have been used to yelling and more in this kind of situation. He needed to sleep because he does a very important job that involves armies not just ours. I would have been normal to me for him to be crossed.
I was devastated.

He rose and I repeated that it was only me.

I was really afraid of his reaction as he went back to bed and did not say anything

Later on he held me very tight in his arms and his breathing changed. I did not understand his reaction because I was expecting anger and his reaction was something I could not decypher. I asked him what it was and he told me “I was scared”.

Had he been crossed even slightly I would have felt better now as I am typing this.

I am so grateful for the gospel and the gift of the Spirit that enables me to see through a blurry vision and that both comfort me and guide me. I know I need to talk, I need to get it out, I need to write it here so as to have a trace of it, this way I’ll be able to talk with my therapist about it and get it out of my life and out of my working system.

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