Hatred and anger

t took me forever to “slow down” to the point I could almost be understood by my environment and “reconnecting” with my real self goes too fast for my body. I keep on having minor troubles that are just a pain in the neck to deal with.

My therapist encouraged me to take a revenge on the first teacher who really started the work of destruction.
Whaaaaaaaaaat? You’re LDS AND a therapist aren’t you supposed to tell me “no” or to direct me on an other path?

Alright. I am just being facetious here as she does encourage me but only because my idea of a revenge is not what you expect I guess.

WOW I realize as I am typing that my anger, which is legitimate, is only an excuse not to face the fact that although I was made believe that I am not capable of doing what I want I actually can do it. Of course I may not have the time to do it all but most of it is still reachable.
WOW I am just finding out an exit for the state of anger and hatred I have been in for the past ten days.
These feelings that are RIGHT are just diverting me from what is important.
I knew it but I guess i needed those ten days to get it myself.

This therapist is really terrible. I told her about my aïkido teacher who is a really nice and wonderful deep inside but….so stupid. I am not saying that he is intellectually stupid because I have long learned that it does not change the value of who you are, I am saying that he is emotionally stupid. He is a living joke.
But he is also a very good aïkidoka and although he has strictly no ability to transmit this knowledge (no matter how high he thinks of himself as a teacher)  I want to stay with this teacher to learn aïkido as a martial art and not as a ballet-like martial thing.
So, I told her how this idiot has bothered me soooo many times with “stop thinking” when I had something to do and this would freeze me even more than if had closed his big mouth. As you can feel I am angry because he has spotted one of the way to make me lose my abilities and I have seen him playing with it.
Therefore I asked my therapist if she would write me a note in my Aïkido papers stating that I can’t stop thinking or I fall!
You guess it. She said yes. And I know she got the joke about it.
I call my teacher a homo erectus . I know that if I should explain to him that it means “the standing man” he would be pleased with it and not get what I mean.

When I have clearly sorted out how my brain works regarding spirituality I will write about it because this is something that is full of teachings both for me and for anyone reading this blog I think.

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