Holy sh….

I am indeed not doing too bad.

I have been reading a forum for people like me and this morning my conclusion is: I may have found my crew I am definitely doing better than a lot of them.

The evident reason for it to me are two things: being my grand-mother’s grand-daughter AND having this personal relationship with our Heavenly Father and God.

Having this brain IS painful but knowing I can turn to my Heavenly Father for love, guidance and support and knowing that I can turn to my God for answers makes a difference that I will be accountable for I think. 

When I read about people’s experience with therapists I am stunned by their record. When I read their reaction I wonder if we are really on the same boat of”gift” which makes me grateful for the grand-mother I have and then when I read their conclusion about life I really feel I am privileged to have this vision that takes me a little further.

Let me make it a little cleared for you.

I went to a child therapist when I was ten and it turned out how it should have with a therapist who was also an idiot: I knew what to tell him and I did so his conclusion was: “she is doing just great”.

The Irony of the situation is that I went to see a therapist because one of my teacher had told my mother that I was crazy because I was doing something that is typical of over gifted children who have not been spotted by the time they are 10. The same teacher played a big role in the destruction of my self esteem by the way.

Then I went to see one after I came back from my mission and WOW. What a difference to talk to someone who knows what he is doing. Anyway I stopped after two meetings because I had understood that this man was only making me face things that I knew but that I did not want to face and that all that I needed was a little courage. This was 12 years ago.

Now I am seeing this therapist who is like me and LDS.
For the first time in my life I have the feeling that I am a coherent being. It was violent to have this feeling that for the first time someone could see me. I believe it is more than a feeling, I think she can see me.
See, all my life I have been labelled because of pieces of me people thought they saw or knew of me and all my life I have known they were wrong. In the end I have developed this attitude of anger and bitterness by flinging in people’s face another picture of me that I made up with what I knew, although I did not understand what it meant but something they could handle enough that they would be far from the truth. The problem is that all my youth I have tried to know who I was and people have told me things that were “the truth because they knew better than me” and I have tried to conform to this beautiful image but I have eventually hurt even more when I was looking for healing.
As I have told a friend this week I feel like I have arrived. I don’t know where but it feels like if I had been running all my life with a load that at times had become too heavy (which was right since I was also carrying things I was not meant to carry and which I managed to drop through my excommunication). Now I have stopped running and although I know what is in my back pack I have found someone who can help me sort it all out and make the best of what is in it.

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