In my last post I answered to Ray using an allegory that I think best describes how I have felt all my life and how I feel now.
But further than that it brings several subject “on the table”.
I have often felt that the commonly shared idea of equality was evil and like a lot of people (who are using it anyway) I hate labels.
When you talk about equality people will quickly agree with you that it could be the most unfair concept but in the end they always go back to their old habit of claiming we are all equal and that those who are stepping out of the rank should be destroyed one way or another.
Then they hate labels…or claim to because if they can’t label you they are afraid you want to step out of the rank and eventually you’re threat.
We are not equal.
God did not make us equal because then we would not need to learn to listen, to respect, love, compassion and so on. Because it is in our different abilities that we can get a glimpse of Him and learn to know Him.
Now that I know that I am not crazy or a monster or whatever I have been driven to feel about myself because I never fit in I really wonder how I can make other benefit from it.
I am not saying He made us all different (which is a common place and I hate common places) I am saying that he did not make us equal.
He gave most people the ability to run but some run faster than others no matter how much you train.
OK, from people’s different reactions I now know for real that you can’t use the word “over gifted” because it conveys pavlovian reactions about it. I know I am pressing the button “who-do-you-think-you-are?”
The answer to this question is: someone in pain…..do you want my f*cking brain just to see how much better I think I am? Now if you wanted me to be angry you just had the right reaction because not only am I in constant pain but I feel also betrayed because I believed you were better than that and that I could tell you. SEE????? I don’t think I am smarter than you because I thought I could tell you and obviously I was WRONG.
Lesson learned. I mean I have been told through the book, through chatting sessions that it was not well accepted by others and I thought that I would not use the “word-that-should-not-be-said” with people who had not known me for a long time but that I would with some people I trusted enough.
The result is that no matter how much I trust people or think high of them as long as I tell them using other words they behave like “they always knew” which is actually often true BUT if I use the word starting with an “O” then the communication is cut off.
Do you really hate labels people? Because from where I stand you seem to react quiet positively to them.
Anyway I know that I can’t talk about it as freely as people think I can. So I am now up for tone of frustration BUT I also have a group of people I can turn to for solace which is much more than I got the past 36 years.
So now what can I do with this brain that nobody wants to hear of but that is absolutely useless if I want to use it only for myself?
I mean obviously I could do great things for myself but it would be wasting what I have. I mean I can totally benefit from it (which is the least I deserve) but I could get the same benefit my brain can bring me by other ways like lying, stealing, betraying and so on. In the end my life will have meant nothing more than trying to make this time between birth and death a little more comfortable which to me is void.
So now that I KNOW I don’t have to distrust myself when I know with every fiber of my being something how do I help people know too?
All those times I have KNOWN things and then they happened and I have wondered if I was crazy or if people were stupid…..the answer is: neither. So now that I know I am right (with the clear experience of the probability of mistaking) what do I do? Watch the train knowing that nobody will believe me when I say it is going to crash? At least in the past I had the option “you’re crazy” although what I had “predicted” always happened, I don’t have this option anymore.
I guess it is good that I have a therapist who is both like me AND latter-day saint AND older because I really need help.