I write in English so as to protect myself from essentially myself.
Writing in English forces me to pause and think about what I am writing and the way I do it plus in enables me to keep the remains of my once beautiful master of this language 😛
Writing in English helps me separate what it important in what I am trying to say from what pops up in my mind.
What is funny is that I am realizing that what I am expressing about myself is highly relevant of who I am.
I think my therapist would laugh or have this amused smile on her face again. I guess I may have to get use to it.
I wrote a whole paragraph about how much I hate my country right now for not giving me the opportunity like it happens in the US to love myself. I know not over gifted (I will come back later on this word) are tested and spotted but at least it is ok to think that you could be one.
I know this sound crazy and unbelievable for Americans reading this to think that in a country like France you are put to shame if you are overgifted and therefore people are not tested and even worse we are often destroyed by the system because we don’t fit in. Not that there is a plan to destroy us but the institution got corrupted in its essence. The point of our democracy was to give everybody equal chance to succeed. So far so good but then it was build on the idea that we are born equal in this way that we OUGHT to be the same. And those who don’t fit are to be destroyed. It is not like what our democracy was thought to be but it is how the beautiful idea of giving everybody the same opportunity turned into “everybody has to be the same” I could go into details as why it turned out this way but it would just bring more bitterness and this is not what I want this post to be about.
From now on I will use the word zebra when I write about this subject. It is a lot more appropriate than “overgifted” and beside, from what I gather on the internet nobody really feels “overgifted”. Lost, hurt, happy, down, ugly, rich, poor but not “overgifted”. Maybe gifted when we come to love who we are but never “over”.
Today is the first day I feel less lost and I am starting to like it. I see what God meant when He told me certain things in my patriarchal blessing and as I am typing this I understand some things with even more depth about my excommunication and my coming back and OH MY GOD and I am saying this because I am calling Him to see what I am contemplating and I feel spiritually nauseous and tears are coming up because of what I almost messed up with and why I am so important and it makes me feel dizzy with humility, anger, fear and so much more.
Now I am going to have to kick myself in the pants.
There are so many things I did not write here about about my communication with God before and during and after and… and…and…and I see how He gently brings me back to where He needs me to be. Once again I don’t feel I have a free agency but this time I see there is something more important than my little comfort zone. I don’t believe free agency should be given up by everyone but I see one field in which He does not want to give me any which is the place I have for people around me in the church here in my stake. I don’t believe it is a general rule nor that it should be just that it is the case for me.
Oh and yes….as usually as a good zebra I did not write a line about why this title since my mind has wandered. I found this group on the internet of zebras and I am to meet them next Saturday. I am curious but in the mean time I already know a little what I am to expect: people who will understand me when I speak. They won’t necessarily know what I am talking about and they won’t necessarily like what I like but for the first time in my life communication will be easy because I won’t have to try to decipher them.
It is ok Ray, you may comment 😛