So yesterday my therapist asked me to read “this” book that I have been told of last month by my nursery girl friend.
The title of the book is too “catchy” to sound serious to me but I guess it comes from the same place as people feeling that the bigger and the worst tasting drugs are the most effective. I guess it is not because I don’t like the title that what is inside is necessarily out of subject or….whatever I guess I should come down to what disturbs me really and what outrages me today.
So this book is not so much about having a high I.Q as it is about dealing the inadequacy resulting from it. I am using “inadequacy” because it is a word that covers much subjects. It is not about bragging around about high IQ it seems that this book is more about helping “overcoming” having this.
Yes, I know I am talking about it as if it were some kind of disease but it is how it feels to me.
On the train, in front of me there was a lady with this book. I was just stunned. I came up to her and we started talking. The reason why I am so angry is that she quoted the book at one point of the conversation and these were my words. I am angry because I guess I need to read the book first but then what do I do with this? How do I explain to people that I CAN’T understand them? I just come in and say “hi dummies! Don’t worry if you don’t understand me, I don’t understand you either but it is only because I have a higher IQ than you do. Nothing personal :” ?
I am angry because I don’t see a solution and because I knew I was different and that there was nothing truly wrong with me but all my life I have been made to believe that I was wrong and that I was not enough of something and that I needed to change when what I needed to change was the way God made me.
Great. Now I am sounding like I am gay and doing my coming out.
I am contemplating over both my anger that I can’t ease and the last thing I wrote. When I talked to my nursery girl friend last month and we talked about the subject of homosexuality she said “I could tell it was a tender subject to you and I have wondered why”. I am not gay but I explained to her why I feel so touched by this subject and now I am realizing that there is a dimension to their situation that I did not understand but I do now. It feels even more unfair and unjust to me now than it did yesterday morning even. I want to scream and want to punch.
I think I would if anyone would be bold enough to say something that pisses me off on this subject on Sunday. Well there is no reason why this subject should come up because in France it is something we usually don’t care to talk about and the only person who’s view on the subject differ from mine is avoiding me as if I had been contaminated with some kind of horrible disease.
Just to say that right now I don’t want to go to church on Sunday BUT I am the one giving the lesson in RS and I don’t want to start skipping a Sunday for this reason because then it will open a door I don’t know if I can shut.