I feel emptied. Not emptY. I feel I have been emptied and it is weird to feel so light and so lonely in the mean time. I know this feeling won’t last.
I need to be more specific about feeling “lonely”. I have wondered if I should use the word “alone” but “lonely” is more appropriate even if it is actually something good.
This week my youngest sister asked me a a question that I did not think I was going to reflect on today. She asked me if I ever feel “lonely” to which I answered “no” and I explained to her how it is good to learn to love to be alone once in a while and blah blah blah. A short and nice little sermon to tell her that when she become more mature she will learn that it is better to be alone than to be in bad company. Of course this is not what I told her. I am smarter than that. I just said things in a way that will eventually maybe someday lead her to this conclusion.
But after these past two days I realize that more than never “alone” I never feel “lonely” because I realize that I am always in bad company.
I was able to tell many things that I have written here and some that I haven’t written here (yet?). As I have previously said she is probably the only person on Earth who can understand what I write here.
When I came back yesterday I felt exhausted and I could tell it had been highly because it was emotionally rough but it is only this morning that I felt how much I needed it.
When I woke up this morning I felt I had been emptied like something had been sucked out of me and maybe for the first time in my life it felt like all the noise it my head was gone. I felt silence.
It is the best way I can describe it. Like if all sudden all the noise of the world had stopped and it did not scare me because what I am talking about is the noise of my world and I realized that they are cries and screams and bangs and explosions and more all the time. Not just when I wake up till I go to bed, even at night. I knew I don’t remember my dreams most of the time because those screams become louder but today I have felt for a few hours the difference.
I realize this is highly why I like to be alone better. The row is so loud in my head and in my heart that I have a hard time bearing anyone’s presence because it mainly adds to it or worse very often it echoes to it. The last possibility is close to unbearable.
Anyway during a few hours this morning it felt like all had been sucked out of my world which is what drives every breath out of my lungs. This has been so much out of my dreams that although I have been longing for this I did not even have words or an image to tell exactly what I needed. Here on this blog someone has told me a few years ago about forgiving the problem is that forgiving is both out of subject and out of place in my case. If it were about forgiveness it would be easy and it will be easy when the noises stop. I mean forgiveness is absolutely part of the solution in this way that it is the key that will lock my demons out of my world. During a few hours loving and understanding my mother was a piece of cake. But before I can forgive her I need silence or at least less racket.
During those two days I felt my protective wall crackling and even tumbling down in some places without a need for rebuilt at that time. I felt secured. I did not feel like I was taught by the Spirit anything important but I felt like I was shown that something else is possible. Just to feel and know that it is possible even if takes me all my strength is enough of a hope. I don’t care how bad it hurts or how much energy it takes as long as it is possible. And it could even happen in this life which would be really sweet.
During those two days I told myself that I knew I am loved.
Then as soon as I realized the state I was in that I could associate with peace I knew the adversary would soon remind me of the noise and I felt it slowly coming back. Nevertheless I am writing down those words so as to remember for myself when I feel low of the experience I had and what and why I know it is possible.