I went to an extra aïkido training over the past two days. I have been doing this for three years now and it is the first time I hurt so much. Specially my legs hurt. As usually I felt dumb and inadequate and this year was even worse as I slept only 3 hours during the night between Friday and Saturday. Then I ran early in the morning to go to this training which included much Iaïdo. Basically I went home and almost cried out of being tired and hurting. I had tears in my eyes at least twice on the tatami.
So today was RS free and I went to sacrament meeting. There I had the greatest surprise to find Natacha my nursery girl friend and the stake president’s wife. We had a great time chating after church and it was just what I needed.
I told her that I went to see this therapist who happens to be LDS and I explained to her that I chose not to tell her that I am LDS at first. what she told me helped me a lot to understand that this therapist will understand that I did not tell her right away about our “connections”.
Her story is roughly this: her father died when she was very young. Her mother did not have a job or any kind of education but she was enough blessed that she found a position as a janitor in an apartment building which in these times in France meant free housing and a paycheck. As low as the money may have been they were safe.
I guess her mother was extremely busy because it seems that she is an amazing woman nevertheless her oldest daughter had to take care care of her younger siblings.
Once they were off on their own she started living her own life. Went to university where she studied psychology and is now a very respected therapist. She has her own practice also works in a hospital as well as at the university (we’re talking about a major city here, not some kind of little university) where she gives lectures or classes (I don’t really know). Anyway her opinion is very much respected.
Yet from what I have been told about how she is I understand that she would absolutely NOT be recommended by the LDS social services from what I understand. For example, if she is too tired to come to church well she’ll try to come to church but not beyond what she feels she can do/take. She is also very “unpleased” with many things she sees or hears in the church and the stake president knows her very well. He sent me to her anyway.
What I am trying to tell her through much unimportant things is that if there is ONE thing that I have learned from my excommunication is that I am not supposed to do it all on my own because no matter how strong I am (and God made me very strong) I’ll never be stronger than with the proper help when I need it. And if this help should fail for one reason or another then God will send His angels or His power or however you like to call it to help me.
I have been in a state of anger for the past….7 months maybe? The same kind of anger that initially lead me to excommunication. The difference is that now I can identify it, I can identify God’s love, I can see that this anger is not the end, just a phase I am going through which will bring me eventually more joy and more knowledge which is what I am the more after. Or maybe I ought to say that the both are connected. I was so hungry for what I am experiencing now before I was excommunicated but I was never taught how to feel it. I mean I knew where I was, what state of mind I was in and I knew what I needed to help me go through but I did not know the path.
Now this is the time when I was supposed to tell that the path is christ or the atonement or anything of the kind but these has been used so often that it sounds void of meaning. They are just words. The atonement is the path but what it leads to is not to God’s love because His love is everywhere, it is there for us no matter who we are. It is a path for us to know we are loved. It is like being in a dark room with no door or window or light of any kind and we get lost and start crying for food and water when it is actually in abundance everywhere. The atonement is not the food or the water, it is someone turning on the light.