I have been thinking about this blog and the fact that I need to write here to tell where I am.
I am in a place of anger.
The end of last year was rough emotionally but I decided to keep it just under the surface instead of burying as usually and pretend this is nothing and I am fine. the reason why I did this was because I knew I was going to see a therapist to help me deal with…with what?
Oh with my whole life I guess.
We don’t have “church” therapist in France. We just have a few therapist that happen to be LDS. I was highly encouraged by several people I respect to go and talk to this one and I did. She does not know for now that I am LDS. she may get a hint of she sees my work as a photographer for I have taken a picture of the wife of our stake president of whom I have talked before since she was my nursery friend when we were two years old. My little sister thinks it is cool that we were friends back in those days. Yes, everybody love her in the stake probably even more than they love the stake president.
She asked me why I wanted to talk to her so I told her that she had been greatly recommended to me by some of my friends. She then asked me who and I said that for now I did not want to talk about it. I was surprised at the way she brushed it away as if it were really not important. I liked it a lot.
I did not want to tell her right away that I am LDS because I wanted to hear what she has to say if “I am not LDS”. It worked perfectly, she asked me a question I know she would not have asked me if she had thought I am LDS. After talking to her I felt partly dirty, partly low, partly I don’t know but it was negative and I did not feel like going back but 48 hours after I felt better and now I am eager to meet with her gaain. I think that I partly feel so bad because I told someone who does not me or my full story yet how much I hate my mother. I think this hate is very recent and very logical. I have hold on so long on the hope that I was capable of changing something that would improve our relationship and her life. I found out last year that it is out of my reach and actually was never within my reach and I feel angry. Maybe this anger and hate is actually the last thread that holds me in this relationship and I just can’t let go. But she is my mother and the only and last piece of family I once almost had. It feels like she is probably the reason why I can’t project myself in a family situation and therefore work toward having a family on my own. I guess if I were to let go of something I can’t really identify my whole life would be easier and happier.
Anyway, here I am agin at a point of my life that I don’t like and that is getting old for going back to this point so often but the good thing and good news is that I have enough experience now to know that it has nothing to do with God’s responsibility. The past days I have actually remembered a strange feeling I have had when I came back to the gospel. What I have to tell about why I came back always unsettle members even the most open minded ones so I’ll keep it for myself a little longer I guess and share only with you this: at one point I had a feeling of wonder because it felt like I caught a glimpse of the perfection of this plan I am a part of. I remember loving it and feeling: it is perfect. The sad thing with the word “perfect” is that it is both incorrect and a little wrong on the edges.
The word “perfect” means “finished”. If something needs to be added or if you can add something to an initial subject then the subject is in its essence imperfect. I have caught a glimpse of a glimpse of how beyond perfection this plan is. I am saying that it is beyond perfection because the plan does not need this word to be qualified.
This plan is.
Using a word like “perfect” helps us as mortals to reach intellectually the plan but it is almost mocking it to use this word. I mean it would be mocking it if it were about looking down at it or disregarding it but since it is about helping us understand it is ok to use this word. Yet I feel uncomfortable with the use of this word because I am sadden by the shortcomings of human languages.
With this knowledge I know how important it is for me to overcome this feeling of mine I have toward my mother but it is the biggest task I have had in my whole life I think and I don’t know how I can do it all in this life. Yet I know that I can’t progress in this life in any field of my life without overcoming this.
I so don’t want a daughter. I so don’t want her to have to go through this kind of feelings and trial too because at this point of my life I can’t picture having a daughter and failing where my mother and her mother and her mother have failed.
Well I am going to be 36 so my wish is on its way to be fulfilled 😛