A pain in the…

I think that part of my issue about what I know I should be doing is fear, pain and PRIDE.

The pain both past and future: I know how much strength and sacrifice it took me to reach the point I have reached in the past. I feel I am not as much resilient as I used to be. Or maybe I was not resilient, just better at burying what should not have been kept secret.

Fear of not being able to protect myself this time again.

Pride in the fact that I don’t want to give away what I believe not everybody deserves.
The problem is that I know God is not asking me to judge who deserves what I can give and who does not. He has told me so many times in different ways how precious and important I am to Him that I have a hard time bringing myself back to where I should be in the plan. Kind of like being puffed up and flying aimlessly above my path when I should actually be walking it if I want to get anywhere both in this time of my life and on a broader scale.

He knows if He stops making me feel special I will just lose all desire to do what is good for myself. But in the mean time this is what fills me with pride right now and makes me feel like I have rights above mine.
Gosh I bet I am special!
Always either too high or too low. Seriously who would want to be a deity and would would want to have a bunch of children being a pain in the…neck like I am right now?
I feel really sorry. I am not being sarcastic or looking down at who I am. I am sincerely sorry.

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4 thoughts on “A pain in the…

  1. I often wonder the same thing–do I really want to be a god/goddess? I love my kids, but I don’t know if i want to deal with billions more of them and all their problems. I think I’d rather just follow some selfish pursuits of my own…lol
    At least you see what issues you are facing, that’s the first step in tackling the hills ahead of you. I’ve been absent lately, so am just trying to catch up on some of your posts tonight. G, it sure sounds like you’ve been having a rough year. Sending my prayers out that things look up for you in 2012, that the issues with your family can begin to be healed–though I’m sure that’s going to be a long and painful process. But, it wouldn’t be worth it if it was easy.
    Happy New Year!

  2. I think, when we get to the judgement deciding our progression to being Gods/Goddesses, it will help us to once again have the perspective gained from remembering our life before this one. We’ll remember the feelings we had when we fought to have the privelage of coming to this life and some of the child-like trust we had that if Father and Mother said we could do it, then re really could do it.

    Sometimes it doesn’t help us to look toward the top of Everest and despair about how far it is, but to look back and see how far we’ve come; the times when we overcame seemingly unsurmountable obstacles, the times as strode forward confidently toward an unseen cravasse and having come through, and the times we were carried and cared for through avalanches.

    You are a stronger woman, a stronger person, than you were at the start of the year. Your struggles and victories have been an inspiration to many, including many whom you have no idea you have effected.

  3. Thank you Frank. I don’t know where this comes from but as I often say; it is better than a kick in the pants.

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