I think that part of my issue about what I know I should be doing is fear, pain and PRIDE.
The pain both past and future: I know how much strength and sacrifice it took me to reach the point I have reached in the past. I feel I am not as much resilient as I used to be. Or maybe I was not resilient, just better at burying what should not have been kept secret.
Fear of not being able to protect myself this time again.
Pride in the fact that I don’t want to give away what I believe not everybody deserves.
The problem is that I know God is not asking me to judge who deserves what I can give and who does not. He has told me so many times in different ways how precious and important I am to Him that I have a hard time bringing myself back to where I should be in the plan. Kind of like being puffed up and flying aimlessly above my path when I should actually be walking it if I want to get anywhere both in this time of my life and on a broader scale.
He knows if He stops making me feel special I will just lose all desire to do what is good for myself. But in the mean time this is what fills me with pride right now and makes me feel like I have rights above mine.
Gosh I bet I am special!
Always either too high or too low. Seriously who would want to be a deity and would would want to have a bunch of children being a pain in the…neck like I am right now?
I feel really sorry. I am not being sarcastic or looking down at who I am. I am sincerely sorry.