My sister is taking the plane tomorrow. She gets to spend a few days in Utah so some friends before entering the MTC to which she is to report on January, 2nd. I am extremely excited about her leaving because this is just the greatest thing in her life so far but I am also extremely stressed out because she wanted both of her parents to be there when she is set apart AND at the airport.
Her father already said he did not want to be there because of me and my mother. Then he said he would come but not stay in the same room.
He may hate my mother but as far as I am concerned if he is not pleased with what I said he should NOT have come in my bedroom. The jews have a great saying: “If you don’t want people to know about it, don’t do it.”
I wanted Natacha (the stake president’s wife that I told you about before) to be here for support but they have family for the whole week.
So no Natacha for me.
I am a little mad at my sister. Not really mad. I don’t know.
It is just that she knows they have not changed, I wonder what she expects from their presence. This trial is going to be the last one of the year and this is what I am going to focus on 😛
I have wondered about my sister’s wish/desire to have a whole family for both her setting apart and at the airport. I really don’t understand it since she knows how much hatred and pain this revives. I wonder if she is deeply hoping for a miracle or think it is her job to “help” everybody by forcing everyone in the same room/place.
She may be able to do something but I am SURE that the way she does it is the wrong one because I judge her action by its fruits and the fruits are bitter and burning and devastating. As I have said before to her I am tired of being 14 years older than her. I know it is ridiculous because there is nothing she can do about it but I wish she would consider what she is doing and creating instead of what she wishes would happen. This is just not a good time for me. Lately I have regretted even deeper than before to have talked about what my adoptive father did. I have felt even more angry than before because if I had kept my mouth shut less of the bad things would have happened. I know it is not my fault at all and that he is the responsible. I know I can’t take responsibility for him but right now would be more peaceful and easier on me if my little sister did not want us all to be together where I can feel the hatred he has for me and feel my mother’s disease “sweating” all over the place. This is just not fair. I am angry and it is not at her. Sometimes I just hate this plan to “make us grow”.
I have been pondering A LOT about my own mission that I would not call a success. So far I haven’t had any reasons not to think that God wanted to send me on a mission to protect me. Just about an hour ago it came to my mind that part of the reason God wanted me on a mission was because it was the only way I would dare to tell what had happened. I know that if I had not gone I would have kept my mouth shut and denied everything.
Ok so here I am with this new understanding.
So now what do I do with it? Because frankly the fruits of it have not been obviously for the better. I understand that my sight is short and that someday I will understand how it fits in the plan but so far the fruits are very disappointing.
I don’t know.
Maybe the reason I had to talk is the same reason she stubbornly wants “all her family” together. I know I don’t know or understand it all but this is of no comfort.
This time of trial for me has a good thing in it though: this time I am able to feel that God is trying as much as He can to be by my side but he can’t lighten up the weight. He can do his best to help me carry it but He can’t remove any rocks because He did not place them there.